Author: Lauri Ann Lumby

When September Ends

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I’m hoping that what comes through me here today provides some sort of comfort, or at the very least, validation and affirmation for the small community that finds its way here.

September sucked.

I can’t even begin to point at the whys or the hows of it, but September was a truly challenging month, for me, and for many others I know. I would be easy to point our fingers at the obvious – certain political and global events that cast the world into a frenzy. But that’s only on the macro. Closer to home, it seems that every person I know was faced with some sort of bizarre fuckery during the strange month of September.

For me, the strangeness included bizarre human behaviors, out of left-field conflicts, unhealthy people trying to project their unhealed shit on me, and over $600.00 in unexpected expenses.

All of the above is pretty much par for the course, but when I’m draining what little I have of a savings account to cover September’s extra expenses, I find myself in a place of real doubt and fear, and all of my most vulnerable questions resurface.

“Not having enough ($)” really is my core fear and the one that has been the most stubborn lesson for me in this life.

So this morning, as I dared to look at my checking account balance, and felt the visceral fears arise, I did the only thing I know to do:

I prayed.

Then I was led to a few resources that provided comfort and reassurance. In these I was reminded that THIS MOMENT is a temporary thing. THIS MOMENT is not the herald of doom.  Neither is it the object of my fate.

I was also reminded of the strange miracles that happened in the midst of September’s perceived struggles – miracles that arose out of what initially felt like doom. Certain ghosts of my past paid me a visit and, in these visits, old wounds and deep pain resurfaced. But once I was able to identify the theme, the miracle appeared, and a profound reconciliation took place.

This is what happens with struggle when we allow ourselves to BE WITH IT instead of trying to run away. I didn’t run when the ghosts re-emerged. I allowed myself to be with the depth of emotion and the heights of the pain. I sat with it. I raged. I wept. I raged some more.

Same with the money. I see the fear. I am aware of it. I’m fully conscious of the doubts that surface when I’m in the glut – mostly I question my place in this world and what I’m doing “wrong” with this one life I have. But like ghosts, I sit with the fear. I feel it. I pray. I ask for guidance.

This morning the guidance came. Recently, I have included a daily reading of poetry into my practice. This morning, these words from Mary Oliver pierced my anxious mind:

“Going to Walden is not so easy a thing

As a green visit. It is a slow and difficult

Trick of living, and finding it where you are.”

THIS!  We’re all looking for “Walden,” aren’t we? No matter how we define that, we are looking for that place of peace. Thoreau sought it and found it in his time at Walden Pond, but it was not the pond itself that was the source of peace. Thoreau discovered the true source of peace was within him – but he had to get quiet enough to find it. Walden gave him that quiet.

Whereas we are tempted to believe that escaping the hustle and bustle of our everyday life and struggles is what we need to find this peace, Oliver points out that everywhere is Walden. Rather, WE are Walden. What we are seeking is right here, right now, exactly where we are, and whatever is transpiring around us. We just need to be still enough, and willing to FEEL the full extent of our unease, to find it. Peace is where we are – no matter where, what, or how that is.

September comes. September ends. And still our fears remain. We do not, however, need to be the victim of those fears. Allowing ourselves to be with whatever struggles life hands us, while identifying and being with the resulting fears, is ultimately the pathway to peace.

THIS MOMENT is not our fate. Instead, it is the source of our salvation – when we have the courage to be with it….because as is always the case, “this too shall pass.”

What struggles did September bring to you?  How did you find your way through them?

The Magdalene Order of Melchizedek is a 2-year training program providing participants instruction, guidance and support in the deep work of inner liberation.

Learn more here.

Not Your Celebrity’s Kabbalah

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Welcome to the official launch of my newly revisioned Order of Melchizedek Training!  This is a training that has been around for awhile, but which needed to be reconfigured – certain courses removed, and others added. Additionally, as times have changed, so too have the images related to this intensive training program. Without further ado, let me introduce you to the newly envisioned Magdalene Order of Melchizedek – the primordial tradition of mysticism and magic.

In short, the Magdalene Order of Melchizedek training is a comprehensive and intensive dive into the most ancient systems of personal growth and transformation which later influenced and inspired Hebrew, Gnostic, Coptic, Orthodox, and Christian schools of mysticism. Whereas these ancient systems bear no identifiable origin or name, they have been most clearly articulated through the Jewish Kabbalah.

The Magdalene Order of Melchizedek, however, is not your celebrity’s Kabbalah. This training bears no resemblance to the “red string” Kabbalah that has been lauded by pop stars and the Hollywood elite. We do not promise wealth, outside power, or fame.  

Neither is this training an attempt to appropriate the closely guarded Jewish mystical schools. As I am neither Jewish, nor have I studied with modern Jewish masters, it would not be appropriate for me to claim knowledge of their methods.

Instead, drawing from (as close to as possible) original source material and incorporating my lifetime(s) of cross-cultural mystical and theological studies, this training gets to the heart of the mystical intention which is, and has always been – UNION. Union with Source (that which some might call God), Union with our truest Self (what some might call our “God-self”), and Union with all of Creation.

LOVE is the ultimate goal of this training. LOVE, not of intellect or emotion, but LOVE that is embodied. Embodied Love is arrived at through a thorough and deep process of identifying, healing, and transforming all that is within us that has forgotten we are Love.

To support and facilitate Embodied Love, the Magdalene Order of Melchizedek guides you through ancient symbols, tools, and practices that illuminate the woundedness within us that seeks to be healed, while providing the foundation for healing those wounds. You are additionally supported through one-on-one mentoring.

The Magdalene Order of Melchizedek is not for the faint of heart. Neither is this a shiny object to be claimed. Instead, it is a deeply personal, intimate, and often challenging process for catalyzing change with an eye toward empowerment that endures. As creator and facilitator of this training, I will hold your feet to the fire, while providing comfort and encouragement through that fire. The Magdalene Order of Melchizedek is not a process to do alone, but only in the company of one who has walked that fire before you.

Learn more here

When Your Demons Come Home to Roost

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Letters from Hell #6

Today is a bad day. This has been a difficult weekend. For no (every) reason whatsoever, I have been feeling profoundly sad bordering on depressed. This is a stuck kind of sorrow compounded by a prescription antidepressant that makes it really difficult for me to cry. I feel like I’ve got a 20 ton boulder sitting on my chest, just behind my sternum.

Usually, I know what to do with this kind of sorrow.  I sit with it. I allow myself to feel it. I apply Tonglen or Ho’oponopono to it. This time, neither seem to be budging the load.

I allowed myself a weekend of self-care. I planned for nothing and allowed myself to simply rest. I didn’t much have a choice as I’ve also been feeling the consequences of autumn allergies. To put it bluntly I feel like SH*T. I don’t do well when I’m sick. I tend to fall into judgment, self-loathing, and self-flagellation at the hands of my inner critic who looks an awful lot like the “Shame nun” from Game of Thrones. “Shame.  Shame.  Shame.”

I’m not good at being vulnerable. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t want to invite anyone into my vulnerability. There is really nothing anyone can say that will make it better when I’m feeling this way. I know I just need to wait it out.

This morning I wrote in my journal.  These are the words that surfaced:

Taking this moment to pause. Suffering fall allergies and the pure exhaustion of a forced life. How much have I forced my self to be and do ____________ instead of just being myself. I’m tired. I feel stuck, but I’m not sure I really care. I’ve worn out my dreams.

I’ve worn out my dreams.

My dreams of a forever love.

Dreams of becoming a successful writer.

Fantasies of becoming a sought-after teacher.

Herein lies at least one face of this deep sorrow. I’m grieving. I’m grieving the failure of the goals, wishes, and dreams I had for my life and which I pursued with a vengeance. No one can say that I didn’t try (though I know some who will tell me I didn’t try hard enough or in the right way – to them I say, whatever).

Life doesn’t always give us what we want. And when we don’t get what we want, we can be like Sisyphus vainly attempting to roll the boulder up the mountain, killing ourselves in the process, or step aside, letting gravity take the boulder to where it naturally wants to go.

At some point in our lives, we are all faced with a crowd of our unrealized dreams. We can cling to or try to revive these dreams, or we can surrender to the fact that maybe these dreams were never meant to be fulfilled and/or that the journey was the point, and not the destination.

It still makes me mad. I know what my gifts are and on some days it just kills me to know that they are not being utilized.

I grieve this as well.

As the Rolling Stones once said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you’ll find, you get what you need.” (Hmmm….that might be bullshit too….unless they’re including getting what we need only by the skin of our teeth.)

Being human is hard. Today is one of those days where it feels especially hard. I don’t like feeling sad or vulnerable. I don’t appreciate the demons of self-doubt, personal loathing, or shame that dance around in my head when I’m feeling this way. I also know better than to try to “change my thoughts” (toxic positivity) in an attempt to make the demons go away.

Instead, I sit with the demons. I call each of them forward. And I do my best to LOVE them. Each of them arose out of some kind of need – whether it be the need to belong, the need to believe the lies of perceived authority, or to keep me in compliance with the system, they came as some kind of support. Additionally, they show up to remind me of the deep pain I’m still carrying from trauma I’ve experienced in my life, along with an invitation to tend to yet another deeper layer of that pain that is now ready to be seen, felt, processed and released.

As is always true of the spiritual journey – wash, rinse repeat. So back to the demons I go to hear what they have to offer me in the way of healing this time.

Thank you sirs, may I have another.

Navigating Loneliness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

Loneliness is a natural consequence of spiritual awakening. As we grow spiritually, turning inward to come to know and more fully embrace our true selves, we find the world and the life we were living less satisfying. We find ourselves seeing the illusion and falsehoods of the traditional systems of the world and find these increasingly uncomfortable. We find that we no longer fit in with the jobs, people, and experiences to which we had been giving time and attention. As we grow spiritually, we find that we never really did fit into these roles, but that these were just masks we wore to be accepted and acceptable to the system.

The more we tend to our inner journey, the less interest we have in spending time or energy with anyone or on anything that isn’t supportive of our truth. We cut away the relationships that are harmful or draining while cultivating a more peaceful and gentle life. Eventually, we discover that our “friend” circle has become very small – made up mostly of other people who have done similar spiritual work on themselves – and our relationships with these people are less about a need for belonging or gaining acceptance, and more about mutual sharing, support, and respect.

The need to belong is one of the greatest hurdles to becoming whole. The need to belong arises out of a codependent need for acceptance, and the price of that belonging is often no less than our souls. We lose ourselves in our compulsive need to be loved and accepted when the only love we truly need is the love we have for ourselves. Many become stunted in their spiritual growth because they are afraid of losing that (false) sense of belonging and because they are afraid of being alone.

Being alone is in fact one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves. It is in solitude that we are quiet and still enough for our deepest wounds, unhealed traumas, unnamed and unmanaged fears have the room to surface. It is because of this predictable dynamic that many avoid the solitude that their soul desperately needs. Loneliness is one of the aspects of our conditioning that surfaces in that space of being alone.

Loneliness is at once natural, and a conditioned response based on fear. As a species, it has been demonstrated that we need community to survive. Being wholly alone is not healthy for anyone. We need human interaction. As a species, we are interdependent. We could not survive without the collaborative work of the pack – each individual sharing their own unique gifts for the sake of their own fulfillment, and in service to the all. Loneliness, in this case, is a gentle reminder that we need human connection.

Loneliness as a response to fear, however, is less about our natural inclination toward tribal interaction, and more about the shield that flies up in protection of the ego (false self) when we are getting closest to our deepest wounds. The ego could be said to have its own life based on conditioning and on the fears that keep us imprisoned in the system. The ego defends itself when it feels threatened. It does not want us to heal or grow because with every step toward healing, a piece of the ego dies. Loneliness is one of the shields the ego throws up in defense of itself.

When loneliness arises in our consciousness, our first inclination is to find a solution to loneliness – to make it go away. We desperately seek after anything that will fill that emptiness that accompanies loneliness. Some turn to food, drugs, or alcohol. Others turn to compulsive activity. Others seek for someone (anyone) to make them feel less alone. Sometimes, the someone arrives disguised as love, but most often proves itself to be just another face of dysfunction.

These efforts to fill the hole left behind by loneliness will always fail, as the result of these attempts are fleeting and impermanent at best. Eventually, we end up right back in a pit of loneliness, except this time, the pit has grown deeper.

The actual remedy to loneliness exists, not in resisting it or trying to make it go away, but in being with the loneliness to find out what it has to say to us. What is the fear that loneliness has hiding behind or beneath it? Is it the fear that we are not loved? Is it the fear that we are alone? Is it the fear that we are insignificant and have nothing to share in the world? Once we can identify the fear, then we can do the work of healing it, and in that healing, becoming free of that fear.

One of the greatest gifts I have given to myself, was a 30 day loneliness practice. I was somewhat newly divorced and thinking I needed to find a new person who would love me. It turned out the person I was really looking for to love me was myself. The loneliness practice supported me in arriving at that knowledge and in doing the healing work that allowed me to be mostly free of loneliness.

For the loneliness practice, I turned to Tonglen. Tonglen is a mindfulness practice from the Tibetan Buddhist practice that supports us in being with our pain, our loneliness, and our fears.  Being with these wounded aspects of ourselves allows us to be healed of them. Here are my instructions for Tonglen taken from my online course “Starting a Spiritual Practice:”

Tonglen—a Tibetan Buddhist Healing Practice

Tonglen is a simple breathing and visualization practice that helps us to release powerful,

negative feelings and emotions.  Instinctively, when we experience a negative feeling or  

emotion, we are compelled to push the feeling away.  Tonglen invites us to do the opposite – to bring the feeling in so that it can be healed, transformed and released.

1) First, we FEEL the feeling. We allow ourselves to welcome it instead of pushing it away.

2) As we feel the feeling, we identify where in our body we are feeling it. 

3) If possible, we name the feeling (is it shame, hatred, anger, resentment, sorry, guilt, betrayal, etc.)

4) After we have identified where in our body we are feeling and feeling and if possible,

identified what the feeling is, then we breathe into the feeling.  More specifically, we breathe into the place in our body where we are feeling the feeling….while allowing ourselves to feel it. 

5) After breathing into the feeling, we breathe out love. While breathing our love, we might

also visualize what love looks like—maybe it is light and it has a color, perhaps it is the shape of a heart or the wind.  

6) As we breathe out love, we imagine it going out into the world, maybe even to any person

or persons who may be somehow connected to the negative emotion we are feeling. 

7) We continue this process of feeling the feeling, breathing it into our bodies and breathing

out love until we either feel a shift, or simply run out of time.  If during the practice we find

ourselves brought to tears, this layer of pain or woundedness has been freed and released.

8) Tonglen can be turned to again and again and again for the release of negative emotional

states.  We can us it both symptomatically (as a negative feelings arises) or therapeutically

(for example, daily if working on deep seated negative emotions or old and lingering emo

tional wounds).  

To free ourselves from the imprisonment of loneliness and its resulting fear, apply Tonglen to loneliness. With this I recommend a two-pronged approach. The first is a foundational approach.  In this, set aside 10-20 minutes each day to be with loneliness, applying the practice of Tonglen. The second is the symptomatic approach. WHEN you find yourself feeling lonely, apply Tonglen to that loneliness. Tonglen can be done at any time, anywhere, no matter what activity you are engaged in. It is a powerful tool for freeing ourselves from the loneliness that might otherwise drive us to act in non-loving or unhealthy ways toward ourselves. Tonglen also allows us to be freedom of the ego’s shield of loneliness so that we might increasingly escape the system that keeps us imprisoned in the false self, thereby freeing us to live more and more as our truest self.

Lauri Ann Lumby, MATP, provides one-on-one mentoring and support for those who are in the process of their spiritual journey and who are awakening to their highest selves and their most authentic truth. Lauri helps you to shed the layers of the ego made up of conditioning, past wounds and trauma, and fear so that your Soul might be free to live as its truest self.

Learn more here.

Seeking Refuge in Hell

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Letters from Hell #5

Increasingly, people I know and with whom I am close are retreating from the everyday world. Me included. This retreat is partly an act of self-preservation, but even more so, it is a result of their awakening.

The self-preservation piece is obvious. People no longer want to be part of a world that is built on fear, power, and control. They no longer want to participate in the violent division that currently defines our world. They no longer want to fight or even be witness to the ignorance and hatred that fuels the fires of the hell humanity has created for itself. Instead, they are choosing peace and a sense of safety over ongoing conflict. They are choosing to separate from the noise so they may enjoy quiet. They are retreating into a sanctuary of their own making, based on what they have come to learn about themselves and their truest needs, wants, and desires.

This brings me to the awakening part. A dear spiritual brother recently shared with me a lecture given on the “disappearing” that was once predicted by Carl Jung. In short, Jung theorized that as human beings become individuated (Abraham Maslow called this self-actualization), they would come to realize that the system in which they were conditioned to participate no longer works for them. They see the system for what it is – false, abusive, and harmful and begin to find ways to detach themselves from the system. As they do so, they discover what their soul really wants and needs to feel whole, and they begin to choose that. For many, this choice leads them away from the outside world and into a space that is more quiet, peaceful, content, and gentle. This quiet place becomes their refuge from a world in which they no longer belong (if they ever really did).

This choice for refuge is available to all of us, when we so-choose it. Whether actively individuating, or simply wanting to find peace in a world at war with itself, finding refuge is simple:

  1. STOP engaging with the divisive tactics of the hell in which we are living. Don’t participate in the arguments, the projections, or the blame.
  2. Embrace the position of objective witness. Observe the dying world without reaction. See it. Observe it. Make note of it. But don’t get sucked into it.
  3. WHEN the dying world triggers your fears and unhealed wounds, instead of reacting out of those fears, STOP and engage in the many spiritual tools you have for easing and transmuting those fears.
  4. Start, or double-down on your daily spiritual practice. Make this your number one priority.  
  5. Be mindful of how and with whom you want to spend your time. Say NO to those people and activities that drain you or compel you to engage in division.
  6. Make your home a sanctuary. Gather around you the things that give you comfort and make you feel safe.
  7. Cultivate a routine of self-care. Choose at least ONE activity per day that feeds your soul – read, write, take a walk in nature, visit an art gallery, have coffee with a dear friend, watch a movie or documentary that informs or inspires. Cook a wholesome and delicious meal.
  8. Nap. The violence and discord of the dying world makes us tired. Get extra sleep and nap when you need to.
  9. Tell the “should” voice in your head to SHUT T.F. UP. “Should” is one of the strongest weapons of conditioning and is one of the ways we remain tied to the system. Cut the cord. Let it go. DO what you love and let the non-loving conditioning go.

Whether we acknowledge that the world we are living in is a kind of hell, or are simply outgrowing the conditioning that has kept us imprisoned by the system, refuge is necessary in our journey of finding peace and contentment in our lives. That refuge is available to you right now, if you so-choose.

Simple Tools for Finding Refuge

Hell Isn’t All Bad

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Letters from Hell #4

Living in hell isn’t all bad. Hell definitely has its perks:

  1. Living in hell allows us to clearly see the world humanity has created for itself – one that springs forth out of fear and which seeks after power and control in the hopes of mitigating that fear.
  2. Living in hell shows us daily the consequences of this quest for power – greed, gluttony, and the violence that humanity wields in their never-ending quest for MORE.
  3. Hell has been increasingly peeling back the layers of humanity’s corruption and all the lies that have been cultivated to justify injustice.
  4. Hell allows us to see who people truly are, including the lies they continue to tell themselves so they might benefit from the system hell created.
  5. Hell also shows us who we are not.
  6. Every second of every day, hell shows us the system that allows for its survival, along with how to escape that system – if only we would pay attention.

The doorway into hell is the same path by which we can escape. Humanity, as a collective, is not doomed to an eternity in hell. As individuals, we are not condemned to waiting for everyone else to wake up before we can make our own escape. The steps necessary for our escape are simple:

  1. We willing to see the hell-system for what it is – a system that is based on and manipulates us through fear.
  2. Harness the skills of observation required to identify all the seemingly infinite ways in which the system is attempting to manipulate you through fear (or shame).
  3. When you notice the system attempting to trigger your fear/shame – SAY NO!
  4. Instead of giving into the fear, STOP and turn your gaze inward – what is the fear that is being triggered? Where did you first experience this fear/shame?
  5. Engage in the mindfulness/meditation practices that you have for releasing/healing/transforming that fear.
  6. Wash, rinse, repeat.

As the journey into hell was created by a thousand steps, so too is the journey out. Escaping hell is all about identifying every wound, trauma, fear, and past conditioning that ties us to the system, and then unraveling ourselves from them. The journey out of hell is about healing through heightened awareness, and radical personal accountability. The more we see the ways in which the system controls us, the more power we have for making our escape.

Whereas the cacophony of the system wants us to believe otherwise, hell is not what the majority of humanity wants. At our core, most of us yearn for peace. We long for connection. We ache for compassion and kindness. And we’re driven toward justice. To escape hell, we cannot allow the system to convince us otherwise – for humanity is made of Love and it will ultimately be to Love that we will return.

For Support Along the Journey:

2 year training package
Transforming Fears
Self-Awareness
One-on-One support

Letters from Hell #3 – Jesus

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 4 Comments

In hell, everything is a distorted and twisted version of its true self. This is especially true of the man called Jesus, after whom Christianity was given its name.

Say what you will about the Catholic Church (I will not argue), in the parishes and schools in which I was raised, above anything else, we were taught that Jesus was Love. Therefore, by association, so too was God. Rather, Jesus came to remind us that despite humanity’s desire to make God in their own image, God was, in fact, Love.  Period. End of sentence. End of paragraph. In the Church in which I was raised, this God loved all of humanity without condition. It didn’t matter your race, your nationality, your gender, or even your religion, God loved all infinitely and abundantly.

The Jesus that taught this Love is not the Jesus that exists in hell. Instead, the Jesus of hell (and therefore the God he represents) plays favorites. This Jesus divides humanity into “true believers” and “the damned.” This Jesus encourages his followers to hate those who are not like them – to hate people of color, women, people who follow other gods (isn’t there only one God? At least that’s what I was always taught), essentially anyone who isn’t a straight, white, male. Even more strange than this, the Jesus in hell is American.

I’m not sure how a brown-skinned, middle eastern Jewish man became American, but to Christian Nationalists, it is America who has received a special blessing from Christ along with the command to convert the whole country (and then the world) into Evangelical, Fundamentalist Christianity.

Like I said, the Jesus in hell is bizarre! This Jesus is a stranger to me. I don’t know who he is or where he came from.

Actually, that’s not true. I know exactly where he came from because I’ve seen it happen with my own eyes.

The Jesus in hell is born out of humanity’s fears.

I’ve seen it over and over and over. Seemingly normal human beings who have been able to live in harmony and peace with people of differing beliefs and lifestyles, suddenly turning toward fundamentalism in its many forms. Every single time, this dramatic turning around is precipitated by something traumatic that casts the individual into fear, and its ugly bed-fellow – shame.

Let me provide a few examples from my own Catholic experience.

  • The young woman who found herself unexpectedly pregnant and who chose to terminate the pregnancy and who never sought out the help that might have supported her in self-forgiveness, who later turned to fundamentalist Catholicism (yes, that’s a thing) so she could be absolved of her guilt (she never did accept the fullness of God’s love that would have allowed her to release her shame, dying with that shame).
  • The young adult man who experienced an enjoyable sexual encounter with another man but became ashamed of the act as he was unwilling to accept that he might be gay. He also turned to fundamentalist Catholicism so that he might earn God’s forgiveness.
  • The adult woman who was once excited and open about some of the “new age” authors of the 90’s, who later discovered her child was being molested by a family member. She dropped all “new age” authors believing they were the cause of the trauma that happened in their family and then became a devout fundamentalist Catholic.
  • The young couple who discovered their child had a debilitating and ultimately fatal disease who suddenly turned to fundamentalist Catholicism hoping through it they could pray away their child’s disease.

For those not raised Catholic – fundamentalist Catholicism is known in a strict interpretation of Catholic dogma (letter of the law), often leaning toward a pre-Vatican II expression of Catholicism. Some of this leaning go so far as to reject the Vatican II council completely and seek out congregations that perform the Latin mass. Some take it further and reject Catholic social teachings along with anything that suggests people of other faiths might be “saved.”

I get it.  I understand how fear can provoke us to seek out something that might absolve us of that fear. The same is true of shame. For some, peace is found in absolutes and in the belief that in abiding with these absolutes, they are right(eous). Some even find freedom from shame in embracing “salvation.”  Proclaiming Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior gives many people the peace they need to mitigate the anxiety of living in an uncertain world. Jesus resides in this peace.

Jesus, however, is not in the division and hatred that is sometimes (even often) espoused in denominations created in his name – this includes the Catholic faith in which I was raised.

Jesus is not in the hatred. He is not in the division. He is not in the calls to war. Not once did he ask people to be soldiers in or kill in his name. He never spoke about sexual orientation or condemned people of differing beliefs. Jesus isn’t even Christian. He was a Jew. Period.

And yet, the Jesus in hell is all of this. Whispering hatred in his followers’ ears. Urging them to side with genocide. Tempting them to condemn the immigrant. Forbidding them from feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, caring for the sick, liberating the prisoner. The Jesus in hell goes so far as to tell his followers that the more money they have the more they are loved by God and that they should hoard that money and do whatever it takes to amass wealth, power, and privilege. This Jesus has told his followers that the man who currently holds office who is a proven rapist, thief, and liar, was chosen and is the Beloved of God, and is here to usher in the Second Coming.

I can’t with this Hell-Jesus. He’s a liar and a horribly twisted and distorted version of the Jesus of Love. He is everything that the Jesus of Love is not. And yet, he is the one that people are increasingly turning to as the world falls apart. So much so, that the Jesus of Love is really difficult to find. I’m just grateful for all the experiences, resources, and tools that have come into my life that have helped me, not only to discover, but to personally know the God that is Love. My prayer, is only, that more turn to this Love (by whatever name you call it) for it is the only way that humanity might one day know peace.  

Letters from Hell #2 – Rest

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

This morning, my thoughts have turned to rest. Specifically, rest, that it seems I am needing a great deal more of. I never needed rest before – or at least I acted like I didn’t need it. I would work from before dawn to after dusk Monday through Sunday. Weekends were taken up with chores – cooking, cleaning, yardwork, being a mom, etc. etc. etc. There was no time for rest – rather, I rarely took the time.

But now, as we’ve been living in hell, it seems like all I want to do is rest.

I can’t help it. I’m tired. Damn tired.

Living in hell is exhausting. Between “hearing (and feeling) the cries of the world,” the increasing division and violence, and the constant bombardment of traumatic events and chaotic actions, I have very little left to give – to anything – other than survival.

It’s no wonder when the weekend comes all I really feel like doing is sitting at home, reading, napping, and watching TV. I have zero bandwidth (or money) for much else. I don’t want to go anywhere or be by anyone. And please don’t ask me to go somewhere where there will be crowds. I get enough of the energy of people during the week, and I really cannot tolerate any more.

I suspect I’m not alone in this – at least among those who are paying attention. As a healer and an empath, I feel it all  – every person’s emotions, feelings, anxieties, frustration, anger, and fear. I can’t help it. My body is like some kind of processor for all the darkness that is erupting in our world. It comes into me and moves through me. It seems I have no choice in the matter. It’s part of what I’m here to do and be. And trust me, it is not out of pride that I share this – because I would not wish this “job” on anyone.

With no choice in the matter, I do what I must to survive: 

First, my home is my sanctuary. I have created it into a place of refuge and safety. It is my hermitage, my monastery, my cloister. With three-foot-thick concrete walls, it is a fortress in which I feel safe. I am here mostly alone or in the company of loved ones or special clients. To the world, my home is invisible. To be found, you must have been given an invitation.

Second, when I’m not at the job that provides the income I need for basic survival, I’m at home. Except for visits to the yoga studio, running basic errands, visiting my favorite coffee shop, I’m home. At home, I am deeply immersed in my practice – meditation, prayer, reflecting, writing, reading, and praying some more. Increasingly, in prayer is how I spend my time. I need it. The world needs it.

Third, I’ve learned to embrace rest. When I’m tired, I nap. When it’s not a “work day,” I rest. In this also, I find I no longer have a choice. I need it after all the energy it takes to live in this hellscape, to be forced to be out in the world, and to be one of the many witnessing and supporting humanity as it decides its own fate – an eternity in hell, the end of the human race, or if they will finally agree to embrace the opportunity they’ve always been given – which is to be Love.

Letters from Hell #1

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

Beloved Friends,

I saw a meme yesterday that read:

What if in 2020 we all died and this is hell?

These are the first words that have made any sense of the world in which we are currently living, because beyond all that we see on the surface of things, it sure feels like hell.

For me, my heart is broken over all of it – but mostly over the violent division that seems to currently define our nation, if not the world. It seems everywhere I look the finger of blame is being pointed in the opposite direction from where it should be pointed – away instead of toward, because…..

This hell in which we are living, is one of our own making.

When humanity makes gods of men, looking outside of ourselves for guidance, authority, leadership and direction, this is what we get. A bunch of unqualified, overly loud individuals getting rich off our willingness to give them our power.

In this current version of hell, censorship is king. If the “Emperor” doesn’t like what you say about him, then through money and power, you are silenced. Or, if the Emperor is in need of a martyr, one will be created.

All of this to feed the beast of division. Those in power believing that in dividing the nation, they will gain more power. Strangely, it seems their tactics are working as the powerful few gain increasing wealth as the world falls around their feet. What will be left when they are done? A world of ash where beauty once stood? No wonder they’re looking for a way to settle on Mars.

Many of us have known this was coming, but nothing could have prepared us for how truly awful it really is. The long, slow, excruciatingly painful death of the world built on fear, power, and control. Daily, I plead with the universe, DIE ALREADY!

I’m exhausted for the end of things, hoping that when this is all over (will it ever be over?) humanity will find a way to live in peace. But for the love of God, how long is this going to take?

Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.  I’m not sure how much more any of us can take. We seem to be suffering from a collective sort of PTSD and recent events have only made it worse (thank you Justine Joslyn for this reminder!). 

I know my PTSD is triggered. I feel vulnerable, raw, and highly emotional. My head hurts. I feel the physical effects of cortisol raging through my body producing flu-like symptoms. My heart hurts. I am finding it hard to breathe. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Yesterday, it was all I could do to sit on my couch and pray.

And when I’m at work, I feel broken and flawed. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and that everything I’m doing is a mistake. I feel unqualified for a job for which I am, in truth, overqualified. I feel ashamed in my imperfection.

This is not me. At least, this isn’t normal me. This is me under panic and in a heightened state of activation. I am finding it hard to focus. I am doomscrolling for something – anything to make me feel safe.  I know better than this – but I can’t help myself.

I feel desperate – desperate for a moment to breathe, a moment to feel safe, a moment of peace in which the world isn’t suddenly exploding with some new tragic or devastating news. I hate it here.

But just when I’m ready to completely give up on humanity, wishing and hoping for this all to be over, I am reminded by the wisdom of youth, in this case my daughter. Yesterday I texted her, “The world just needs to end already.” This was her heart-wrenching, wise response:

“I want the world to get better. There’s still stuff I wanna do.”

UGH!  Knife to the heart! A knife to my heart that broke me wide open. In her wise words, my daughter spoke what we all want:

We want the world to be better. We want it to be better for ourselves, but even more so, for our children and our children’s children. For these, we must hang on to hope – cling to it even. With these words, I will leave you with this:

With the deepest love,

Lauri

The High Cost of Othering

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 6 Comments

This post is not about Charlie Kirk – but if the shoe fits (shrug emoji)

I don’t understand why this is the case, but human beings seem to be pre-programmed to create division. I admit that I too am sometimes guilty of creating division in my mind even as my highest intention is toward unity and oneness. To some degree, I’m not sure we can help wanting to put each other into categories that define human beings by self-created divisions like religion, race, nationality, gender, etc. As much as we maybe can’t help separating ourselves, there is a cost to this dividing – as world events continue to show us.

It seems that the highest cost of this division arises out of, “othering.”  Characterized by polarizing terms like “us” and “them,” othering happens when an individual who identifies themselves as part of a particular human-made category (ie: Christian) then places this membership as higher than or better than the seemingly opposing category (ie: not Christian). Othering creates the false belief that the category/group to which one “belongs” is more right than other human categories. This othering pits those in the “favored” group against those who are not of this group. In the world as we know it today, this othering is easily recognized in such divisions as:

  • White/people of color
  • Republican/Democrat
  • Christian/everyone else (and then every us vs them division within Christianity and even within an individual Christian community)
  • Rich/poor
  • Educated/uneducated
  • Those who know/those who don’t
  • Straight/Queer
  • Male/Female

Othering arises out of ignorance (as in lack of information). Othering surfaces when one’s response to what one doesn’t understand is judgment. Judgment is one way in which humans have learned to temporarily ease the natural anxiety that arises in the face of what we do not know. Unless that judgment is corrected through curiosity and wonder, human beings will turn that judgment into a weapon. Weaponizing othering is the ultimate price of this division – the consequences of which we are seeing increasingly every day.

Us vs. them does not work. Instead, it pits humanity against humanity. Dividing human against each other results in misunderstandings at best, genocide at worst. “Us vs. Them” is what created Nazi Germany and what has led to the wholesale destruction of Palestine and its people. “Us vs. them” is what compels humans to create laws that punish anyone they perceive to be different than them. “Us vs. them” causes an individual to pick up a gun and assassinate an individual or shoot up a whole school. “Us vs them” is what causes one to celebrate a person sowing division as a martyr.

Othering, at the end of the day, is an uninformed choice. It is judgment in the face of what we do not know or understand. Judgment is a defensive reaction to anxiety, one that many have not learned to move beyond. Fear in the face of the unknown is natural, but when we allow ourselves to acknowledge the anxiety and move past it to curiosity, then we are able to seek after the knowledge we need to make the unknown known. When the unknown is known, it no longer presents a perceived threat. Coming to know the unknown helps to build a foundation of understanding that then allows us to sow harmony instead of conflict, unity instead of division, and collaboration over competition. If humanity seeks to survive it will only do so when we stop creating “the other” and seek, instead, to learn and understand our unique gifts and how that diversity is what, ultimately, makes us one.