Breathe

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Breathe deep and exhale.

Breathe as you’ve never breathed before.

Breathe into your soul’s longing

and

let

it

go.

Breathe into your worries and

set

them

free.

Breathe into your shattered and broken heart

that

it

may

find

comfort.

Breathe into your mind that

it

may

find

ease.

Breathe into this moment and receive it –

with open arms free of judgment

and the temptation to define.

Breathe all the way to the

soles

of

your

feet

That roots might sprout deeply into the earth

anchoring you in quietude and peace.

copyright Lauri Ann Lumby

Believe in the Darkness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

Believe in the darkness

and the spaces in between

for these are your teachers –

where you are forced to face your demons

and stare down the face of emptiness.

It is here, in the void, where all wisdom lies.

Where your sharpened edges are made smooth

by sitting with your discomfort

and sense of unease.

As life grows darker you must become small.

Contracting all you are –

your hopes

and dreams

and childhood wishes –

until you disappear into the no-thing,

until you become one with the no-thing.

until you become the no-thing itself.

It is here in the greatest stage of contraction

when all becomes invisible –

indistinguishable from the darkness

and emptiness of the void

where you shall glimpse the infinite potential

that resides at the center of nothing

and feel the rising pressure of a new world waiting to be born.

Believe in the darkness.

copyright Lauri Ann Lumby

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Living in Dark Times

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

We are living in dark times. In the United States where I live, we are facing very real threats to our liberties and our freedoms. In the past I have hesitated to call these actions “evil” because I do not believe in an external force of evil that is set out to harm us. As I no longer believe in an anthropomorphic “devil,” I cannot believe in evil as a malevolent force outside of us.

I still don’t believe in evil as an external god-like force, but after a week of deep prayer and meditation, especially around the evils I have experienced in my own life, I arrived upon an understanding of evil that I can agree to:

Evil is the physical manifestation of humanity’s fears.

When put into the context of what I believe about our human journey – its purpose and goal – which is to remember our original nature as Love/One by healing and transforming our unhealed fears, non-loving conditioning, trauma, woundedness, etc. I can believe in evil in this way.

Evil arises out of our collective fears and unhealed wounds.

History has shown this to be true. Nazi Germany – the Jewish Holocaust – and now the ongoing genocide in Palestine.  Naziism arose out of the unhealed fears/wounds of WW1, which led to the Holocaust.  Unhealed wounds over the Holocaust could be argued as the root of anti-Palestinian sentiments, oppression, and now genocide which has become the hallmark of Netanyahu’s hard-right Zionist movement. (to be clear…..I am not antisemitic. I am anti-genocide).

Caste

Something similar could be said of the United States – the core of our current (ongoing) troubles can be summed up in Isabel Wilkerson’s exploration of caste – a system based in the belief that “one kind of person is more deserving of freedom than another kind.” When western Europeans first settled in what later became “America,” they brought with them the wounds of the caste systems in which they were imprisoned. Never healing these wounds, they ended up inflicting the same kind of system on the indigenous who were already here, and later on every single group that was deemed “less than.” Caste, as Wilkerson argues, transcends racism. As such, Caucasians also suffer the effects of caste.

This unacknowledged caste system is at the root of our troubles and at the heart of it resides the unhealed wounds and fears of our collective past resulting in a lot of angry people who for generations have been ignored, oppressed, trod upon, denied dignity, honor and respect. When we examine this description, we see that nearly all of us qualify as suffering from caste in one way or another. The only ones who don’t suffer are those who have positioned themselves as “the ruling caste.” In the United States, these are extremely wealthy white men (and their complicit women) who have both stolen and been voluntarily given too much power.

Stolen power is easy to identify. Voluntarily given power is more difficult to comprehend. Who, in their right mind, would give an already powerful human more power? In short – those who feel most victimized by caste and who are desperately looking for someone to save them – specifically, those of the higher caste who promise to elevate another’s caste once put into power.

This is the work of evil – capitalizing on another’s unhealed wounds, vulnerability, and sense of powerlessness so that they might gain more power. The goal of evil is never to help or assist the “lesser-thans,” it is only to wrest more power from them.

Spiritual Warfare?

But what can we do in the face of such evil? Are we indeed powerless as the powerful and victimized would have us believe? The short answer is NO!  We are not powerless and we do have tools and resources to help us combat this evil.

Yes, I said combat. I’ve never been one to jump on the “spiritual warfare” bandwagon, because that platform is rooted in the idea of a malevolent external source over which we have no power, and equally benevolent forces who we must call to our aid – again because we ourselves are powerless.

I do not believe in our powerlessness. Instead, I believe that when we understand the root cause of evil in our world, then we have an entire arsenal of weapons at our disposal – ones we can engage in and call on anytime and which are in our own power to use and through their use effect change.

To effect this change, we must first understand that the root of evil is unhealed wounds and unacknowledged fear. We must then understand that the transformation of evil occurs when we individually and collectively work to heal those fears. Finally, as  Ulrich E. Duprée reminds in his book Ho’oponopono – the Hawaiian Ritual of Forgiveness, the fears and unhealed wounds we see in others are merely a reflection of the same fears in ourselves. When we engage in practices which support our own healing, there is a ripple effect that helps to bring healing to others.

With this, I offer two solid and effective practices for healing the unhealed fears and wounds in ourselves which can then help to support healing in others:

Ho’oponopono:

Recite the following mantra, directing the words toward yourself and to any feelings of fear or woundedness you might feel within yourself:

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

I love you.

Thank you.

Michael the Archangel Prayer:

An oldie moldy from my Catholic upbringing. Again, pray this prayer TO the fears and unhealed wounds within yourself. Feel free to change the language to fit your own personal beliefs:

Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.

Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.

May God rebuke him we humbly pray; and do Thou,

O Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the Power of God,

cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits,

who prowl through the world seeking the ruin of souls.

Amen.

If you have other tools that you have found to be helpful, please share them in the comment section below!  We are all here to take part of the healing of humanity so that one day we can all truly be free!

July Fourth

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

Today I don’t celebrate.

I grieve.

We are not,

nor have we ever been

free.

How can a nation built on genocide,

subjugation, and slavery call itself free?

The blood on our hands is the red in our flag.

White is the rage of freedoms deprived.

Blue is the bruising of eyes, and arms, and backs

of all those beaten down by discrimination, hatred, and bigotry.

We are not and we have never been free.

I weep for a nation that calls itself free

while over half a million are homeless…

where people are continually deprived of adequate food, shelter, and healthcare,

where our education system is being dismantled

and books are being banned.

Where women are no longer free to make decisions about their own health,

and where so many go without

while others bask in the wealth they could not spend if they tried.

How can we call ourselves free when

our tax dollars are going to fund another nation’s genocide and

when the blood on our hands is more than just our own?

Our nation is not free.

It never truly was.

So no – I do not celebrate July fourth.

Instead, today I grieve.

copyright Lauri Ann Lumby

Illness and the Monastic Call

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

In Shamanic traditions, a sudden, dramatic, or enduring illness is often recognized as a sign of an individual having a shamanic calling.

“In indigenous cultures a shaman was a person who had some kind of deep initiation experience, whether it was a life-threatening illness, a near-death experience, a psychotic break . . . (R. Inge-Heinze)”

The same seems to be true of those in our modern world called to monastic living. This, at least, has been true for me and for many of those I know who find themselves living a monastic kind of life.

Notice I didn’t say we chose a monastic life. Instead, it seems to be forced upon us – often kicking and screaming. Upon reflection, this isn’t surprising considering that our culture wants and expects us to be anything BUT monastic.

Western culture is completely lacking in examples, models, or paradigms of non-vowed individuals living monasticism as a lifestyle. There are no educational or formative paths for individuals choosing monastic living except for those entering into religious life. Instead, our culture presents us only with examples of how to be a productive, contributing member of society – typically “work” that makes other people money. Nowhere does our culture invite us to explore the possibility of an inward, solitary, meditative life defined by being. Instead, our life choices are all directed outwardly, defined by what we do, how much and how hard we do it, our value defined by this doing.

In a world where we are valued and defined by our doing, and our personal goals are built around this doing, it is no surprise that a true monastic calling has to force its way past all of this in order to get our attention. We have to be awakened out of the fog of everything we’ve been told and all the expectations we have set for ourselves in order to hear this calling. Most often, it seems, we have to be brought to our knees or to the very edge of death before we hear the true calling of our soul – one that has absolutely nothing to do with doing, and everything to do with being.

As it relates to illness specifically, my calling to monastic living began in my childhood where I was plagued by illness, but no one would have recognized it as such. It wasn’t until midlife when this calling caught up with me, specifically through first an anxiety disorder, and then through a debilitating virus that caused permanent damage to my vestibular (inner ear) nerve leaving me with intermittent symptoms that impede my mobility – especially as it relates to driving, and that makes me sensitive to crowds, noise, and movement, and which on some days can cause me acute physical pain. In close proximity to this virus, I also became acutely aware of my empathic abilities (I’d always had them, I just now became aware of them). These abilities make it difficult, if not painful, for me to be “out in the world.” With all of this, I’ve been forced out of the constant activity that was familiar to me. Instead, I have turned inward and been made to embrace a quieter, more gentle, reflective existence.

My experience with illness related to making a choice for monastic living is not unique to me. Every single person I know who has found their way into this kind of existence has suffered a similar kind of fate. Whether it be a debilitating accident, a physical medical condition, chronic illness or what might be diagnosed as a mental health issue, there always seems to be something that forces us out of the “regular” world and into a world of our own.

Arriving at this new way of being is one thing – accepting it as a new way of life is something else entirely. In order to do so, we have to 1) decide we’re not crazy or that there’s something wrong with us. 2) grieve the loss of the former life with which we had become familiar. 3) detach from other people’s judgement of us and our new life. 4) unravel from all the conditioning that tells us we can’t spend our lives just being. 5) let go of our own compulsive need to be filling up all our time with doing when all we really need to do is be. And 6) find pleasure and grace with simplicity and peace.

This is Our Fate

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

For the past five days I have been trying to put into words the collective horror over last Thursday’s presidential debate. First, I had to be present to my body as it processed the empathic reaction to collective trauma – manifesting in my body as vertigo, headaches, and deep profound fatigue. Panic also paid me a visit. Then I had to navigate the tangled forest of illusions and projections, pulling back from my own temptation to point fingers, name-call, and cast blame. Finally, I had to pull away the veil of distractions that wanted to draw me into political analysis. Only after all of this was I able to arrive at what is truly happening at the root of the hatred, chaos, and separation we are witnessing from outside ourselves so that my words might help support us with a way forward, and if not a way forward – at least a way through.

To put it simply, the presidential debate and our reactions to it have nothing to do with Donald Trump, Joe Biden, or the future of our nation. Instead, the debate and the presidential election is simply a reflection of America’s fate and by association, the fate of all of humanity. In other words, in perfect clarity, the debate showed us that unless we, as a collective, make some clear and drastic changes, we are wholly and completely f*cked!

We are f*cked, not because of who might be president, but because of all the fear, separation, selfishness, greed, bigotry, and hatred that has brought us to this place – all of which is self-created. We have done this to ourselves. Out of our own unacknowledged fears and unhealed trauma, we have created separation where separation need not exist. We have privileged ourselves over others. We have taken more than we needed while depriving others of the very things they need to survive. We have cast dispersions on our fellow-humans simply because we perceive them to be different. We have created hatred of others based on skin color, gender, sexual orientation, race, nationality, religion, body shape and size, and every other way we have chosen to discriminate against others. We have destroyed our environment for the sake of greed. We judge others for their education or lack thereof. We despise others simply out of jealousy. We want what we don’t have and despise what we do. We take from others. We kill to get what we want. We wage war on other nations, or even within our own nation, simply because we want what we perceive others to have. We destroy entire races of people simply because we can.

Humanity has done a really shitty job of being human. Now, it seems, we’re getting what we deserve. Everything we despise in “the other” is a reflection of what is unhealed within ourselves and the Universe will continue to bring this hatred and separation before us until we figure our shit out. At one time it was hatred toward the Jews. Then it was hatred toward Muslims. Then it was hatred of Arabs. Then it was hatred of blacks. Then it was hatred of Mexicans. Then it was hatred toward the poor. Then it was hatred toward women. Then it was hatred toward homosexuals. Then it was hatred toward transgendered humans. Then it was hatred toward Republicans. Then it was hatred toward Democrats. Then it was hatred toward conservatives. Then it was hatred toward liberals.

“Fear. Separation. Hate.  Fear. Separation. Hate.”  This is the mantra humanity seems to live by. Until we heal this fear and its resulting separation, we will never truly be free, and we will never know the peace and safety we all desperately long for. To heal this fear, separation, and hatred, we have to turn our gaze inward and away from all the projected blame outside of us. We have to stop blaming and fearing others and look deeply at ourselves. We have to learn to sit with our fears and be present to our discomfort. We have to be courageously honest with ourselves – our own hatreds – and examine their cause. In what ways have we suffered disappointment and pain? How have we been the recipient of another’s unhealed wounds? In what ways have we forgotten that we are Love? Then we have to get really intimate with these wounds (seeking help and support where needed) within ourselves and in doing so, allowing them to find healing. Only in doing the deep work of healing ourselves and encouraging and supporting others in doing the same can we ever hope to experience peace in our world. Until that time, we will continue to suffer the consequences of our own unhealed wounds.

This is our fate. We have done this to ourselves. Collectively we have the power to undo it, but we may be running out of time. As such it is urgent that we stop projecting blame outward and start taking a look at ourselves. This alone is where our power resides – not in any of the distractions outside of us which are simply reminders of the inner work we still have left to do. Yes, we have the power to change our world, but first it starts with ourselves.

The Journey of Healing Ourselves

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Magdalene Course Bundle Special

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A Day in the Life

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Yesterday, while working with a client, the topic of monastic living came up. One question that emerged in the conversation was “What does living monastically look like?”  It’s a practical question – and the answer is “it depends.” I can only speak for myself, but in conversations with other friends who have embraced a similar calling/lifestyle, I imagine the answers are somewhat similar. But first, we have to define the question.

The question “what does monastic living look like,” is really a question that means “what do you do all day?”  As we live in an action-oriented world where our perceived value is defined by what we do, this is the most frequent inquiry about monastic living. Again, the answer is “it depends.” On some days there is a lot of doing. On other days, there is little to no doing. Let me give you an example from this very week.

Monday of this week was a day defined by doing. My day looked somewhat like this:

6am wake up.

6-7 am meditation practice

7-8 am check emails, finish some work tasks.

8- 8:20am get ready for yoga class

8:20 leave for yoga.

8:45 – 9:45 yoga class

10 am – shower, etc.

11am lunch

1130 am – 7pm work. Strapped to my computer doing office manager tasks for the ballet studio I work for with a dinner break squeezed in.

7-9 pm – enjoyment.  Reading. Sitting in quiet. Watching TV.

9pm. Bed

Monday was a day of a lot of doing. Tuesday, in contrast, what an entire day of NOTHING. I did my normal morning routine (minus the yoga). I put in a couple hours of admin work. I had brunch with my son. I took a nap. I read a little.  I sat in silence. I may have watched a bit of TV.  But, essentially nothing. After all the energy output on Monday, I didn’t have anything to put into Tuesday, so I didn’t.

Then Wednesday came and it was a busy day with clients, admin work, and then more nothing.

In my experience, monastic living is less about what we do and how we be. For me, the center of it all is my daily practice, and the rest unfolds from there. On some days I have things planned/scheduled, but beyond that, I take each day as it shows up with the energy that I have available to me in that moment. As a recovering compulsive planner and over-doer, my life is now more about allowing what needs to present itself to present, and then stepping into what is asked of me. When nothing is presenting, I remain with the no-thing, not pushing or forcing some sort of doing (aka productivity) out of the no-thing. Much of monastic living is about learning to live in this now moment and allowing ease. The rest seems to take care of itself.

The Practical Reality of Monastic Living

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Living monastically in the modern world begins with an understanding of the practical realities of making this choice. Of course, others may have a different experience of this, but this is how it’s worked out for me (often times kicking and screaming).

Living Really Really Simply

Let’s start with the dollars and cents of it – and here I’m going to be really really transparent.  

In 2023, I made $26,000. $13,560 of that went to rent.  Out of that balance I have to pay my regular living expenses (heat, electric, phone, internet, water, groceries, car insurance, gas, renter’s insurance, health insurance,) along with the expenses related to running a business. That leaves me with very little extra. I have just enough for entertainment via a few streaming channels that I share with my children, a few simple meals out, purchasing a few books on Amazon, and that’s about it. I’m not complaining.  This is a choice I have made and my personal needs are quite low. That being said, many of the things that many Americans take for granted – vacations, new furniture, designer clothes, etc. are not available to me. Nearly everything I own is either thrifted or found deeply discounted. These are the choices I’ve made because I choose peace over the stress other choices would cause me. Not that I’ve really had a choice.

A Choice We Don’t Really Choose

Monastic living is not a choice we make. It is chosen for us – often kicking and screaming. No matter how hard we try to fit into a traditional (Institutional) model, we cannot. These models elude us – making it impossible for us to get a “real job” or live a “normal life.” Every attempt we make at creating a life that fits any sort of traditional western paradigm fails. Every time we try to pursue traditional western definitions of success (money, power, fame) we end up bloody from beating our head against the wall. Remember that story of Jesus being tempted in the desert by Satan and the temptations he is offered?  SAME!  We may be tempted with these but no matter how hard we try, we cannot have them. It’s almost like monasticism is forced upon us.  Yeah, we could go against “God,” but that never goes well does it? Instead we learn to SURRENDER to what is and let our Soul carry us.

Submission and Obedience

Talk about defying western logic!  Monastic living requires that we set aside our personal wants, desires, hopes, dreams, and ego-attachments. To fulfill this calling, we have to surrender our entire selves to some sort of creative intelligence that is not our own (that which some might call “God.”). We have to submit to the guidance of this inner force – even when we believe we aren’t receiving a single shred of guidance. And we have to obey it. What about “free will” you might ask?  I’m not sure as it relates to a monastic calling we have free will. Yes, we could defy the nature and movement of our Soul, but I’ve learned it’s not worth it. It’s so much easier to submit to this calling than to fight the “will of God” – or as one friend calls it, “Universal Intent.”

At the end of the day, living monastically in the modern world is not a choice anyone in their right mind would make – that is why to those who are free to live a regular life, we and our choices appear insane. But for us, the only way we can remain sane is to live the life of a monastic no matter how countercultural that might be.

Living Monastic

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

As an unmarried adult woman of a certain age, living monastic looks a lot differently than how one might imagine. I’m not living in a convent. I haven’t taken vows of chastity, celibacy, or poverty. I don’t wear a habit. I sometimes wear sensible shoes, but only as a matter of comfort, not because it’s dictated by my order. Instead, I’m free to date (if I ever find anyone worthy). I dress as I choose. I earn less than the median income for where I live, but that’s a matter of choice not imposition. I live in a comfortable apartment by myself that I have turned into my personal sanctuary.

Monastic living for me is less about the externals (how things appear from the outside) and more about the ways in which I choose to spend my time and how I choose to be in the world.

Time, for me, is a precious commodity, and one I use wisely. I don’t waste my time on meaningless interactions or the expectations of our culture. Instead, my time is spent in the way in which I want to spend it which starts and ends with silence. As an introvert, I thrive in silence. Silence is my practice. It’s how I tune into myself and Source. Silence is my prayer, my meditation, and my life-blood. Silence is the place I begin each day and to what I return when I find myself disturbed by the world or by my own unhealed wounds. It is in silence that I find comfort, guidance, and healing and often how I share my own gifts like the times I feel called to send healing and love to our broken world. My entire day revolves around this silence and I guard it with my life.

Everything else revolves around that silence including all the doing that must be done in order to exist in this world – managing a household, taking care of chores, grocery shopping, cooking, working to earn a living, (this is the chop wood and carry water part of monastic living), and all the things I do for my own growth and enjoyment – reading, watching TV, writing, spending one on one time with friends, hanging out with my children, doing yoga, and being out in nature.

Also surrounding this silence are all the ways in which I show up in service to humanity – as a spiritual counselor and mentor to others, facilitating classes or groups, officiating at a funeral, and executing my office manager duties at a local ballet studio.  These are just the things that look official – you know, a vehicle for sharing my gifts and for making a living (chop wood carry water).

Beyond these obvious ways of doing is an even deeper showing up for me. This showing up is not about what I DO, but about how I BE. This being includes – being generous, being kind, being thoughtful, being welcoming, being friendly, being gentle, and sometimes being fierce. If I were to give a word to all this being, it would be LOVE – the kind of Love that isn’t all rainbows and unicorns but is sometimes like a shield or a sword – cutting through the bullshit, setting and maintaining boundaries, saying no, and being really really real with the challenges, difficulties, and evils in our world. Sometimes love is delivered in hard truths that some just don’t want to hear, at other times it’s delivered gently, but it is forever and always about love.

Living monastically in the modern world is a personal and counter-cultural choice that I know is not for everyone, but it is 100% for me. Arriving here has been almost sixty years in the making and I’m grateful for all of the experiences that have led me here.