Grief

When Your Demons Come Home to Roost

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Letters from Hell #6

Today is a bad day. This has been a difficult weekend. For no (every) reason whatsoever, I have been feeling profoundly sad bordering on depressed. This is a stuck kind of sorrow compounded by a prescription antidepressant that makes it really difficult for me to cry. I feel like I’ve got a 20 ton boulder sitting on my chest, just behind my sternum.

Usually, I know what to do with this kind of sorrow.  I sit with it. I allow myself to feel it. I apply Tonglen or Ho’oponopono to it. This time, neither seem to be budging the load.

I allowed myself a weekend of self-care. I planned for nothing and allowed myself to simply rest. I didn’t much have a choice as I’ve also been feeling the consequences of autumn allergies. To put it bluntly I feel like SH*T. I don’t do well when I’m sick. I tend to fall into judgment, self-loathing, and self-flagellation at the hands of my inner critic who looks an awful lot like the “Shame nun” from Game of Thrones. “Shame.  Shame.  Shame.”

I’m not good at being vulnerable. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t want to invite anyone into my vulnerability. There is really nothing anyone can say that will make it better when I’m feeling this way. I know I just need to wait it out.

This morning I wrote in my journal.  These are the words that surfaced:

Taking this moment to pause. Suffering fall allergies and the pure exhaustion of a forced life. How much have I forced my self to be and do ____________ instead of just being myself. I’m tired. I feel stuck, but I’m not sure I really care. I’ve worn out my dreams.

I’ve worn out my dreams.

My dreams of a forever love.

Dreams of becoming a successful writer.

Fantasies of becoming a sought-after teacher.

Herein lies at least one face of this deep sorrow. I’m grieving. I’m grieving the failure of the goals, wishes, and dreams I had for my life and which I pursued with a vengeance. No one can say that I didn’t try (though I know some who will tell me I didn’t try hard enough or in the right way – to them I say, whatever).

Life doesn’t always give us what we want. And when we don’t get what we want, we can be like Sisyphus vainly attempting to roll the boulder up the mountain, killing ourselves in the process, or step aside, letting gravity take the boulder to where it naturally wants to go.

At some point in our lives, we are all faced with a crowd of our unrealized dreams. We can cling to or try to revive these dreams, or we can surrender to the fact that maybe these dreams were never meant to be fulfilled and/or that the journey was the point, and not the destination.

It still makes me mad. I know what my gifts are and on some days it just kills me to know that they are not being utilized.

I grieve this as well.

As the Rolling Stones once said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you’ll find, you get what you need.” (Hmmm….that might be bullshit too….unless they’re including getting what we need only by the skin of our teeth.)

Being human is hard. Today is one of those days where it feels especially hard. I don’t like feeling sad or vulnerable. I don’t appreciate the demons of self-doubt, personal loathing, or shame that dance around in my head when I’m feeling this way. I also know better than to try to “change my thoughts” (toxic positivity) in an attempt to make the demons go away.

Instead, I sit with the demons. I call each of them forward. And I do my best to LOVE them. Each of them arose out of some kind of need – whether it be the need to belong, the need to believe the lies of perceived authority, or to keep me in compliance with the system, they came as some kind of support. Additionally, they show up to remind me of the deep pain I’m still carrying from trauma I’ve experienced in my life, along with an invitation to tend to yet another deeper layer of that pain that is now ready to be seen, felt, processed and released.

As is always true of the spiritual journey – wash, rinse repeat. So back to the demons I go to hear what they have to offer me in the way of healing this time.

Thank you sirs, may I have another.

Letters from Hell #1

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

Beloved Friends,

I saw a meme yesterday that read:

What if in 2020 we all died and this is hell?

These are the first words that have made any sense of the world in which we are currently living, because beyond all that we see on the surface of things, it sure feels like hell.

For me, my heart is broken over all of it – but mostly over the violent division that seems to currently define our nation, if not the world. It seems everywhere I look the finger of blame is being pointed in the opposite direction from where it should be pointed – away instead of toward, because…..

This hell in which we are living, is one of our own making.

When humanity makes gods of men, looking outside of ourselves for guidance, authority, leadership and direction, this is what we get. A bunch of unqualified, overly loud individuals getting rich off our willingness to give them our power.

In this current version of hell, censorship is king. If the “Emperor” doesn’t like what you say about him, then through money and power, you are silenced. Or, if the Emperor is in need of a martyr, one will be created.

All of this to feed the beast of division. Those in power believing that in dividing the nation, they will gain more power. Strangely, it seems their tactics are working as the powerful few gain increasing wealth as the world falls around their feet. What will be left when they are done? A world of ash where beauty once stood? No wonder they’re looking for a way to settle on Mars.

Many of us have known this was coming, but nothing could have prepared us for how truly awful it really is. The long, slow, excruciatingly painful death of the world built on fear, power, and control. Daily, I plead with the universe, DIE ALREADY!

I’m exhausted for the end of things, hoping that when this is all over (will it ever be over?) humanity will find a way to live in peace. But for the love of God, how long is this going to take?

Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.  I’m not sure how much more any of us can take. We seem to be suffering from a collective sort of PTSD and recent events have only made it worse (thank you Justine Joslyn for this reminder!). 

I know my PTSD is triggered. I feel vulnerable, raw, and highly emotional. My head hurts. I feel the physical effects of cortisol raging through my body producing flu-like symptoms. My heart hurts. I am finding it hard to breathe. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Yesterday, it was all I could do to sit on my couch and pray.

And when I’m at work, I feel broken and flawed. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and that everything I’m doing is a mistake. I feel unqualified for a job for which I am, in truth, overqualified. I feel ashamed in my imperfection.

This is not me. At least, this isn’t normal me. This is me under panic and in a heightened state of activation. I am finding it hard to focus. I am doomscrolling for something – anything to make me feel safe.  I know better than this – but I can’t help myself.

I feel desperate – desperate for a moment to breathe, a moment to feel safe, a moment of peace in which the world isn’t suddenly exploding with some new tragic or devastating news. I hate it here.

But just when I’m ready to completely give up on humanity, wishing and hoping for this all to be over, I am reminded by the wisdom of youth, in this case my daughter. Yesterday I texted her, “The world just needs to end already.” This was her heart-wrenching, wise response:

“I want the world to get better. There’s still stuff I wanna do.”

UGH!  Knife to the heart! A knife to my heart that broke me wide open. In her wise words, my daughter spoke what we all want:

We want the world to be better. We want it to be better for ourselves, but even more so, for our children and our children’s children. For these, we must hang on to hope – cling to it even. With these words, I will leave you with this:

With the deepest love,

Lauri

From the Eagle’s Perch

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

There is no doubt that we are living through troubling times. Between the chaos in the world and uncertainty around humanity’s survival, it is easy to lose hope. So much of what we have come to rely on is proving to be on shaky ground. What we once clung to for security has shown itself to be nothing more than an illusion at best, a bold-faced lie at worst. All that which has been rooted in fear is rising to be seen as the manipulation that it is.

Humanity is waking up. But in this waking up, all our dreams of security, surety, and safety are being shattered. With the death of every dream, we grieve. Grieving includes shock, trauma, terror, denial, bargaining, rage, depression/immobility/dissociation, and deep sorrow. In tending to our grief and the expected unknowns that follow death we may fall into negativity and despair, believing all is lost.

When we examine this awakening from the center of our grief, fear is a natural response. As a species, we like to believe we are in control of our fate and the unfolding of the plans we have made. When new worlds are being born, it is often difficult, if not impossible, to see glimpses of these new worlds as everything around us seems to be collapsing. Remaining too close to the symptoms of collapse can keep us from seeing the opportunities that are being born in the midst of it, and what these opportunities might bring on the other side. This is where seeing from the eagle’s perch becomes a helpful practice.

In the past, some have accused me of being a prophet. If prophet means one who knows how to read the sign of the times, then I accept that accusation as true. Life has shown me that I do see and that what I see almost always happens to be true. Some don’t like me because of this gift because they cannot stand in my presence and not be seen for who they truly are. Those with nothing to hide stand securely under my gaze. Liars, on the other hand, tend to run.

As it relates to world events, I see in a similar way. I see patterns with predictable outcomes based on similar patterns from the past. History, if not healed, DOES repeat itself (all we have to do is look to the war in Gaza to see this truth realized). Through this sight, I am able to predict an outcome of an event or experience if it follows a certain trajectory. The good news is that trajectories can change, therefore changing the outcome. Knowing this, I have often used my voice to warn of the likely outcome of a certain trajectory, hoping that humans might listen and change their own path (we have the power to do this!).

Further, I am able to see far beyond the current timeline and trajectory to the ultimate outcome. As it relates to human beings, I see two possible destinations: self-created extinction or the creation of a better world. It is entirely possible that humanity will choose extinction by refusing to rid itself of that which is rooted in fear, which then results in the human compulsions of greed, gluttony, lust for power, wrath, envy, sloth and pride.  These, if not healed will be the end of us all.

More likely, I see humanity making a different choice. I see humanity growing weary of a world created in gluttony, greed, etc. and in that weariness, seeking another way. Already, I have seen evidence of this movement from weariness to not only seeking but creating change. As much as I am often frustrated by humanity’s stubbornness and ill-will, I not only believe, but SEE that far more humans are generous, loving, peaceful, and kind. These are the humans who I see as coming together to change the tide. In fact, they already are – we just have to bring ourselves to a higher view in order to see them.  To bring ourselves to that higher view, we must transcend our own fears of the dying world, heal our conditioned fears and rise above that which would otherwise bring us down. Only in doing our own inner work are we able to clearly see the purpose of this collapse and the promise of a new world trying to be born.

An important note: Seeing from a higher perch doesn’t happen because we engaged in “positive thinking.”  Neither is it because we have become masters of spiritual bypass or disassociation. Instead, it is the result of deep, inner healing and practice where we are actively pursing the transformation and release of everything that has been made out of fear. In doing this work, WE are the ones who are coming together to choose a new world – one made out of kindness, generosity, and love; and not the one made out of fear.

How are you transforming your fears and unhealed wounds so that you can not only see, but participate in bringing forth this new world?

Being a Death Priestess

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I am a Death Priestess. 

Here to bear witness to the end of the world.

The collapse of an empire.

The implosion of patriarchy.

To weather the upheaval and chaos of a world in its undoing

while providing comfort to a terrified and grieving humanity.

The American experiment has failed.

Or rather, it has arrived at its foregone conclusion.

The natural outcome of a nation built on sand.

The weaknesses of the empire being revealed

and in those gaps evil has made a home.

Through the unfolding of events

we are being made to see it all –

the loathsome and the hideous.

But beneath all of this,

another world is being made.

Seeds already planted –

taking root and growing

out of the ash of the old.

A true resurrection.

Something new is happening here.

Do you see it?

For a Death Priestess is about

so much more than death.

We are also midwives –

ushering in the emergence of something new.

This one born of Love

rooted deeply in Truth

and formed in the Wholeness of Union.

So shall it be.

And so it is.

A Day of Mourning

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 9 Comments

Today, we are supposed to be celebrating the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the birth of our nation and the freedoms granted by the Constitution of the United States. Today, this all feels like a joke. What can we possibly celebrate as millions of Americans are poised to lose the very services that allow them to be free, and millions have already lost those freedoms?

Today I will not be celebrating. Instead, I have set aside the day for grieving and prayer.

I know all of this is part of the death of the empire. I also hold on to the hope that this death will be clearing a way for something more just, compassionate, and free. Today, however, I just don’t see it. Those in power seem to be hell-bent on making America a home for the grotesquely wealthy at the expense of everyone else.

Instead of rambling on about all my heart of heart hopes this to be, please feel free to peruse my past writings about this death, or join me, as together we grieve the death of what we were told this nation could be.

I am with you in your grieving.

With love,

Lauri

Supplementary Articles:

Independence Day 2023

July Fourth

Seeing Beyond Appearances

Death Throes of the Empire

Endings

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

I’m writing this for the sake of transparency and to be open and honest about the vulnerability that comes with endings.

Endings: It seems that the work I have passionately nurtured over the past thirty years is coming to an end. I’m not going into the details of this because the details are boring and unimportant. What matters is that many people have been served and found benefit in my in-person and online courses and training programs. I am grateful to have been able to serve in this way and for the creative inspiration that brought these courses and services into being.

Endings: are weird. I should be sad, but I’m not. I have been sad and the grief has gone from despair to terror to writhing, to surrender. Today, I find myself resigned. As St. Paul said, “I’ve fought the good fight. (2 Timothy 4:7)” I’ve been obedient to the inner guidance that compelled me to create these courses and share them. I’ve done what I know how to do to extend invitations for people to participate. I’ve shown up as a facilitator and guide. For a time, people showed up to enthusiastically participate. Over time, that has dwindled. Now there is nothing.

Endings: It’s ok. “To everything there is a season….turn, turn, turn…” But I have to ask, what comes after reaping?

Endings: Nothing. Nothing comes after reaping.  After reaping is fallow time. It’s a time to rest and to wait. It’s a time to simply be. For now, this is what I’m doing. I know better than to beat bushes and chase after potential new opportunities. I know better than to try to hold up something that is already dead. I know better than to force something that is not yet ready to come into being.

Endings: Waiting in the no-thing is hard. Unfinished sorrows come up to be revisited. “Shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” whisper in our ears. With nothing to do we grow restless and impatient. We are tempted to try to “make things happen” when we are really only supposed to be anchored firmly in the void. Fears around survival make their appearance. “How will you pay your bills?  How will you cover rent? What will you do about money?” We are conditioned to act, but during these fallow times, our conditioning no longer serves.

Endings: Wait. Watch. Listen. Be present to whatever faces of grief and temptation show themselves. Refrain from doing or taking action until whatever is coming to take the place of what is ending shows itself. And know that the new, when it comes, will be obvious and exactly what I need at this place in my journey for whatever time I have left on this planet.

Endings: are a blessing for they clear the way for something new and better to take its place – often something we might never expect for ourselves and potentially something beyond our wildest dreams. I am willing to surrender to this ending so that new life might come in – whatever that new life might be.

Endings: another thing I’ve learned is that I am not in charge. Source/God alone knows what it has planned for me. “Let it be done to me according to your word.”

PS: for those who will want to worry, I’m really ok. Sad, yes. Unsure about what is to come, yes. And while I don’t exactly know what this ending will fully look like, it’s been a long-time coming. I’ve experienced endings before and know that here too, something is coming to take its place. It just hasn’t yet shown itself. Without my interference, it will and I will know it when it arrives. Thank you for your kind thoughts and support through this time of unknowing. Love, Lauri.

The Fallacy of Certainty

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

The topic of certainty came up with my daughter the other day as we were sharing news of an acquaintance who had recently joined a certain church. We were both somewhat amazed that a person of intelligence, reason, and critical thinking would enthusiastically embrace a religion that espouses a very narrow interpretation of … well … everything. As my forever wise daughter observed, “Well, trauma will do that.” Indeed.

For me, trauma has had the opposite effect. Instead of seeking after certainty, I run from anything that seems to be promising certainty. Why? Because life has shown me that other than death, absolutely nothing is certain. But then I wonder, is my response due to trauma, or simply the accumulated observations of sixty years?

Some of the life experiences that showed me the falsehood of certainty proved to be traumatic. By and large, however, uncertainty seems to simply be the truth of life. Anyone that would suggest otherwise is either still clinging to an illusion of certainty, or just plain lying.

In life, nothing is certain. We don’t know if we’ll be born, how long we’ll live, from what we will be safe (hunger, disease, poverty, etc.), or when we’ll die. We don’t know where our life path will lead us and we cannot predict, once on a path, if or how we’ll reach its destination – if ever, or if along the way the path might change or simply fall away. Or maybe we reach the hoped-for destination, and it blows up in our face.

Life is funny that way. A whole lot of unknowns with only one truly predictable outcome:

DEATH

No matter how our lives unfold, death is the final destination. It is the only outcome that is certain. The rest is up for grabs. Everyone knows this. And yet……and yet…..everywhere we look there is someone trying to convince us that they have the key to certainty. Religion that claims to be the sole purveyor of truth. Spiritualists who claim to have a monopoly on the afterlife. Gurus who will gladly take your money for the magical blessing that will ensure enlightenment. Healers who claim to own the trademark to what will save you from dying. Physicians who have the remedies to, if not save your life, at least delay your dying. Politicians who make empty promises about a hopeful future. Coaches to shower their athletes with empty dreams of a professional career. Universities who promise an abundance of fulfillment and wealth after completing a course of study. Life-coaches who also claim to hold the keys to fulfilment and wealth. Authors who promise a formula for manifesting what you want, or “calling in the one.”

All of these are pandering to and profiting from humanity’s insecurities and fears – specifically the fear of the unknown – what we might alternatively call “the fear of life itself.”

Life itself is terrifying. It’s unpredictable. Unstable. Often unsafe. We experience suffering and the pain of betrayal. We know the deep grief of loss. We suffer disappointment. We are the witnesses of violence and death.

We know this about life, and yet we persist. The human instinct for survival is STRONG. But so is our tendency toward denial. We don’t like the anxiety and fear that uncertainty brings, so we  look for anything and everything that might promise otherwise. We look for the perfect job, the magic pill, the charismatic teacher, the soulmate, the book, the coach, the healer……or the mountain we are willing to die on, that gives us the promise of certainty and we embrace it enthusiastically, even bringing our friends and family along for the ride. In one way or another we are all guilty of this.  And yet, every single time, that which promises certainty eventually proves itself wrong and we find ourselves staring down the barrel of uncertainty.

This is just part of being human and having a human experience. We are not, however, doomed to this endless cycle of uncertainty, false hope, and disappointment. Instead of seeking after certainty, we can simply accept that life is – uncertain. Once we accept this truth, and learn to be with the anxiety of uncertainty, we can flow through life from a place of contentment and ease. This doesn’t mean we won’t experience anxiety or fear, but we will have the tools to move through the anxiety and return to a place of equanimity where we can simply enjoy where we are in this moment and appreciate the wonder and beauty that life brings despite all of its uncertainty.

Accepting Support

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

For over twenty-five years I have been a source of support for individuals through the most vulnerable and tender parts of their human journeys. I have counselled people through the unexpected death of a child. I have supported couples facing the “dark night” of their marriage. I have been a welcome guide and mentor in the human journey of spiritual growth and development. I have provided healing for those experiencing mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. I have been a source of support through midlife crises, divorce, job loss, empty nest, and other deeply transformational times of transition.

Whether working with me over the phone, via ZOOM, or in my home, you will find a warm and welcoming place here where you can step away from the chaos and unrest of the outside world and be supported in returning to your heart – for it is there you will find rest, peace, and the answers to life’s questions. My hearth-fire is always burning. You will find comfort and safety here.

Learn more here

Mentorship with Lauri includes:

  • Personality, Temperament, and Gifts Assessments.
  • Exploration of the Soul’s calling.
  • Uncovering and transforming the obstacles to living out that calling through a variety of mindfulness, creativity, and shamanic practices including Lauri’s trademarked Authentic Freedom™ protocol.
  • Depth work – identifying ungrieved losses, unhealed wounds, past traumas, ancestral trauma, and learning shamanic practices for transforming and releasing them.
  • Shadow work – uncovering the unintegrated and often rejected parts of self and bringing them into wholeness.
  • Ongoing support.
email lauri@lauriannlumby.com to schedule

No One is Coming to Save Us

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

One of the biggest lies of patriarchal institutions is that they are here to help and/or save us. As we are witnessing firsthand in yesterday’s flurry of executive orders, populations that once believed they had our government’s protection, no longer do.

Whereas we may be tempted to cast a finger of blame upon certain governmental officials for depriving us of what we once believed to be rights, the fault does not lie with them alone. In the simplest of ways, they are simply acting as patriarchal institutions often do – keeping human beings enslaved to the whims of the powerful (and fearful) few.

Power, as we see it in patriarchal institutions, is not built on strength. Instead, their power is based in fear – fear over losing what they value the most – money – measured both in wealth and possessions. In order to keep or grow their perceived power, someone else has to suffer. Like hungry locusts, patriarchal institutions gobble up everything around them with no thought for the survival or thriving of others.

In our culture, patriarchal institutions include: governance, banking, corporations, healthcare, education, technology, and religion. All of these exist to manipulate and control the general population for the sake of their own selfish needs. They do this by keeping us afraid while also promising that we could not survive without them. We need them for our wellbeing and in exchange for our servitude, our needs will be provided for, and we will be safe and protected.

Bullshit!  Not a single one of these institutions actually has our highest good in mind. Instead, they seek profit over well-being, and power over advancement of the species. To this end, they want to keep us ignorant and unaware of the deceptions behind the mask of their false promises.

No one is coming to save us. In fact, the only one who can save us is ourselves. It is by facing the lies of the dying patriarchy that we will find our salvation. Once we see past the lies and stop waiting and expecting our government (for example) to have our highest good in mind, only then can we begin to save ourselves. We save ourselves by freeing ourselves of these expectations, grieving the loss of our former dependency on the outside “savior,” and then doing the work of caring for ourselves. In caring for ourselves, we are free to be who we are made to be – unique, special, courageous, and authentically/inwardly strong. It is here where true power resides. From this place of inner power, we are able to step forward as our own savior and gather with others who have also saved themselves and who are now ready to help others find the way.

Neither governance, religion, education, healthcare, or any other patriarchal institution is here to support or guarantee our highest good. It is for this reason (among others) that we must do the work of saving ourselves.

On the Verge of Tears

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 5 Comments

As I read through the comments on Sunday’s blog, the energy and words I heard were, “always on the verge of tears.” I heard these words as true for me, and wondered if it has also been true for others.

I believe we have a lot to cry about.

As one who has been on the forefront of the human consciousness evolution, calling myself (among other things): lightworker, shadow worker, depth worker, healer, guide, prophet, witch, and starseed, I have been both witness to and participant in what many have called (incorrectly) ascension.

To put it in simple terms: I have felt a calling and a drive to be part of a movement to provide humanity with the healing it needs to live more fully from love and less from a place of fear. Since 1994, this work has consumed me.

It’s been a bittersweet journey. I’ve seen the benefit of deep inner work within myself, in my ability to parent my children, in my work with clients and in conversations with friends and collaborators. I have found a community of people in Oshkosh, and beyond, who are involved in similar and complementary work. I have established an online community of a few who are equally committed to being love in the world for the sake of the betterment of the human experience. I am connected with hundreds of people online who are committed to this kind of work through their own unique gifts.

And yet….I find myself weary. I know many others who have also grown weary.

Human beings are a stubborn lot. Firmly attached to the status quo. Resistant to change. Often seeing change-makers and visionaries as the enemies, leading some to resist that change through violence. It seems humanity would prefer to live in a world of hatred and fear than to do the deep inner work of healing that which causes them to be non-loving toward themselves and others.

Remember when this work was supposed to be completed by 2012?  (insert hysterical sarcastic laughter) How we find ourselves approaching the end of 2024 and not much has changed. Human beings are still making war and solving conflicts through threats of violence. Humans continue to be greedy, destructive, and jealous.

In short, humans kinda suck.  It’s why I refuse to claim membership within the human species. I’m not sure what I am, but not one who thrives on being cruel to other human beings. (admittedly, some might consider me cruel – but in reality, I just have really good boundaries!)

When I look at humanity, I feel sad. I’m sad that they would choose hatred over compassion, fear over love, violence over peace. I’m dumbfounded by the dogged clutching after separation, division, prejudice, and discrimination.

Perhaps I wouldn’t be so saddened by humanity’s choice if I hadn’t discovered another way. This “other way” was somehow present in my heart from the moment of my birth/conception. I also found that “other way” in the peace movement of the late 1960’s and early 70’s. I further found it in the social justice work performed by the church in which I was raised. Most acutely I discovered it in Jesus’ teachings – not as they were taught to me from the pulpit, but that which I discovered through my own meditation, prayer, contemplation, and study, additionally reflected in the spiritual teachings of the ancients whose books have fallen into my lap over these very many years.

I know I’m not alone in this. Everyone with whom I have been doing this work, talking about this work, supporting this work, speaks of “another way.” This “other way” came to us. We did the work to be healed by it and to be made more whole. We’ve tried to share it with others. We’ve even provided the resources and tools for human beings to learn to become this love themselves.

And yet…..here we are.

I am weary. I am sad. Pretty much every day I feel on the verge of tears. Tears over what? Not getting my way? Tears over all that I/we have given up to do this work? Crying over the things that could have been had we not been called into this movement of love? Weeping over what others seem to have/enjoy that were never an option for me/us? Tears over the friends, family, clients who feel away over the years? Grief over all those millions who have died simply because humanity refused to set aside their separation and learn how to love?

Indeed.  There is a lot to cry about.

And maybe this is part of the limbo I spoke about. Maybe we need this in-between time to process all we’ve been through. Perhaps we need this time to grieve – to grieve all we personally lost, all we were made to leave behind, all the difficulty and struggle we’ve experienced in choosing love over fear. Grieving all the times we’ve been misunderstood, ignored, ridiculed, condemned. Weeping over the deep loneliness that comes in doing this work.

If indeed we are at the end of something and preparing for something new to take its place, grief is not only predictable but appropriate.

When we feel on the verge of tears, the invitation is to embrace these tears as part of our grieving, and in giving those tears release, allowing healing to take its place. Or if you’re like me and you’re on medication that hinders your ability to cry, find those things that help to bring them on. Yesterday for me, it was watching the “Making of Mary Poppins” documentary on Hulu – the bird lady does it to me every time!