Mission/Purpose/Calling

Waiting and Watching

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

The current universe energies are weird. According to my astrologer friends, this week is supposed to be the worst of the year. Strangely, I’m experiencing just the opposite. “The worst week” for me were the two previous weeks – where my personal energy felt very volatile, fragile, vulnerable, highly emotional, disproportionately reactionary, and I did not feel like myself at all! 

Yes, the energies this week are strange. I’ve felt disturbances in the force. I’ve felt underlying anxieties and fears.  I had the sensation of “something wicked this way comes.”  AND, I suffered the heartbreak of learning that someone I care about might be racist, transphobic, and xenophobic (among other things).

And yet, even with all of this, I still feel a strange sense of calm. It’s a kind of “waiting and watching” calm. The calm before the storm? Perhaps.

Tuesday evening, I experienced a visitation of sorts in my dreams. The only way I can describe the visitation was that of a teacher – male in appearance and distinctly dark complected with dark (almost black) hair. In the dream, there were no words exchanged, only a deep gaze – as if into my soul, and through that gaze, I felt learning being imparted to me. It felt like a download of information and knowledge. There was nothing specific within the download or identifiable, just the sensation of being filled up with a kind of ineffable flow of energetic substance. I woke up with the dream fresh in my mind along with the sense of having been prepared or being prepared for……something. This download “continued” throughout the day and was experienced as physical sensations of energy moving down through my body. I had the sense of this being the integration of what I “learned.”

I have no idea of what I learned. There are no words to give to it. It simply felt like necessary preparation for that which I do not and may never know or understand.

So now I wait. I wait and watch as humanity continues along its current trajectory. There are so many things at the tipping point – and in any moment the whole house of cards might collapse upon itself.  AND there’s nothing I can or need to do to hasten it along or prevent its coming. All I can do is wait and watch – an objective witness to whatever the collective decides to do with what God has given them and with the catastrophe they have created for themselves.

Calling All Warriors

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

As the RNC pulls out of Milwaukee, and the DNC moves toward penetrating Chicago, (puns intended), we find ourselves at a dangerous crossroads – all roads leading toward disaster.  At this crossroads we have an opportunity to make a deal with the devil, or find ourselves another way through this mess.

Indeed, we are staring the death of the republic in the face. Horrible to look at and yet we cannot look away!  This is an ending we have sadly brought upon ourselves.

As with the fall of Rome, we are facing an inevitable death – and die it will.  But unlike the Romans, we are being given a choice in the empire’s end.  We can allow ourselves to be destroyed by it – or rise above (or as I prefer – to burrow beneath).

Whether you are a “rise above” or a “burrow beneath” person, the formula is the same:

Be witness.

Hold center.

Be a tower/beacon of light (or darkness whatever the case may be).

Anchor love.

As a shadow worker, my job is to go to ground – to enter fully into the darkness that it may be transformed – darkness made of humanity’s fears and unhealed wounds.  Like a cicada, I dive deep into the detritus of humanity’s pain, wriggling and writhing until the pain has been released.  This I do safely in the shelter of my sanctuary that I call home.

Equally called to be a light bringer, I go about my day to day endeavors simply being me.  I have experienced that in my presence, either shadows are revealed, or others become more aware of their light.  Whatever the effects – the recoiling rejection brought forth by shadow’s emergence, or the welcome of light’s/love’s reflection – I’ve learned to hold it all.

Nothing is personal.

If any of this rambling speaks to you – you are one of the warriors to whom I’ve addressed this message. We’ve been given a difficult call – to witness to the end of the world (as we’ve known it), BUT we’ve also been given the wisdom, knowledge, and tools to endure.  Our task is this:

Endure and Survive.

Love-speed sisters and brothers, we are in this together.  Even if solitary – we are never alone!

Be witness.

Hold center.

Be a tower/beacon of light.

Anchor love.

It is all we came here to do.

With deep gratitude and love,

Lauri

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Witness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

I have no task now

but to bear witness.

To bear witness

to humanity’s destruction.

The warnings have been given.

The prophecies shared.

Yet they continue to turn a deaf ear

to the obvious.

The end is nigh.

What more to do

but wait

and watch,

thinking…

“I told you so.”

“I told you so.”

copyright Lauri Ann Lumby

A Seer’s Angst

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

As I woke up to the news of an apparent assassination attempt on former president, Donald Trump, I found myself overcome with deep, inner frustration. The frustration felt like a tightly coiled spring inside of me that desperately wanted to explode into a deafening and earth-shattering scream ala Tommy Shelby:

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE PEOPLE F’ING LISTEN TO ME??????

It’s not that I had foreseen the attempt on the former president and tried to warn someone about it. It was more about what I COULD see in the video footage of the apparent attempt and what I could FEEL in the collective energy around it. Let’s just say I have questions.

Conspiracy theories aside, for my entire life I have seen and known things and have tried with all my might to express what I’m seeing/feeling while at the same time providing guidance and insights on how to avoid disaster or at the very least lessen the damage. Also for my whole entire life

NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO ME!

And yet, every single thing I see/saw/foresaw/predicted has proved itself true.  I could go down the list from the houseguest I knew to be faking her cancer diagnosis (I was seven at the time), to a one-time friend’s failed marriage to the Oshkosh Arena disaster. I saw it all and where I was able, tried to warn people – anyone.  Nobody listened.

While today the seeing continues, still nobody is listening. I have done everything within my own power and means to share what I see and sense with the world, but instead of being heard, I see my words going out into the ethers and then disappearing into the void – unheard and unseen. The ongoing frustration I feel over this leaves me feeling like screaming into the void:

Which brings me to the existential question: What good is the gift of seeing and knowing if nobody is willing to receive the sharing of that gift? Why would “God” give me these gifts that seemingly have no use to anyone – perhaps even myself? What good is knowing that a venture is doomed when no one else seems to care – or worse, that you will be punished in some way for sharing what you know (oh yes…I’ve experienced this!). It’s insane. 

Or rather, the feeling of knowing and seeing and having nowhere to go with what I know makes me feel insane – like I’m being gaslit and ghosted by the entire human race. I know I’m not alone in this. I have spoken at-length with fellow seers (not the ones who just call themselves that – the ones who actually ARE) and the feeling is mutual. We get bombarded with what we see/feel/know and it creates an overwhelming sense of urgency in us to share what we know, but when we do, all we’re left with is the feeling of our words falling on deaf ears, leaving us with an all-consuming feeling of existential and insatiable frustration. As you might imagine, it’s super annoying to be forced to live a life of existential angst simply because human beings absolutely refuse to hear or see what they don’t want to know.

Spiritual Warfare

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

Yesterday started like any other day. I woke up at the end of deep, multi-dimensional dreaming. I was tired and a little worn, but I got about my day. Did my morning practice. Had breakfast. Answered a few emails. Went to yoga class. Picked up a prescription at Walgreens. Had a ZOOM meeting with a potential collaborator. Had lunch…

THEN…IT…HIT…ME

A steel wall of SOMETHING. The something felt like exhaustion and anxiety, pressure, weight and dread. I felt like I could pass right out standing. I tried to take a nap and found I could not. I took my afternoon coffee and read for a little then my soul screamed “Dairy Queen.” I grabbed my purse and head outside and again got hit by a steel wall of SOMETHING. I could barely see. The sun was too bright and too strong. I felt sick, nauseous, anxious, and afraid. I muscled a drive to Dairy Queen to get an Oreo Cookie Blizzard (why….by the way are medium Blizzards almost $6.00 when just a couple years ago they were $3.00?????). I came home and enjoyed my Blizzard (chocolate IS a remedy against dementors) while my body was quaking with SOMETHING. The anxiety was palpable and overwhelming and IT WASN’T MINE!  My whole body felt ill and like it was under attack.

Then came the call, “You doing ok?  I’m struggling. Ears ringing non stop. Disoriented and feeling like I’m under water. Literally gasping for air. Trying not to die. Holding space for you (protection from the evil eye symbol).”

OMG!  It’s not just me! Another spiritual warrior reached out to say, “Some major shit is going down and we’re being called to the front. Going into prayer.”

I thanked my friend.  Said “ditto.” Then I did the same. I went deep into prayer, sending healing and peace to whatever that SOMETHING is/was.

This is what it looks like to be called to spiritual warfare (for lack of a better word). Any day at any time something visible or invisible is happening in the world that calls us “to arms.” Our arms are not guns or bombs.  Instead, our arms are prayer and the healing balm of Love that resides within each of us that is called forth whenever collective healing is needed in our world. It’s intense work and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I’m glad to do it – as if I ever had a choice!  God is funny that way.

A Day in the Life

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Yesterday, while working with a client, the topic of monastic living came up. One question that emerged in the conversation was “What does living monastically look like?”  It’s a practical question – and the answer is “it depends.” I can only speak for myself, but in conversations with other friends who have embraced a similar calling/lifestyle, I imagine the answers are somewhat similar. But first, we have to define the question.

The question “what does monastic living look like,” is really a question that means “what do you do all day?”  As we live in an action-oriented world where our perceived value is defined by what we do, this is the most frequent inquiry about monastic living. Again, the answer is “it depends.” On some days there is a lot of doing. On other days, there is little to no doing. Let me give you an example from this very week.

Monday of this week was a day defined by doing. My day looked somewhat like this:

6am wake up.

6-7 am meditation practice

7-8 am check emails, finish some work tasks.

8- 8:20am get ready for yoga class

8:20 leave for yoga.

8:45 – 9:45 yoga class

10 am – shower, etc.

11am lunch

1130 am – 7pm work. Strapped to my computer doing office manager tasks for the ballet studio I work for with a dinner break squeezed in.

7-9 pm – enjoyment.  Reading. Sitting in quiet. Watching TV.

9pm. Bed

Monday was a day of a lot of doing. Tuesday, in contrast, what an entire day of NOTHING. I did my normal morning routine (minus the yoga). I put in a couple hours of admin work. I had brunch with my son. I took a nap. I read a little.  I sat in silence. I may have watched a bit of TV.  But, essentially nothing. After all the energy output on Monday, I didn’t have anything to put into Tuesday, so I didn’t.

Then Wednesday came and it was a busy day with clients, admin work, and then more nothing.

In my experience, monastic living is less about what we do and how we be. For me, the center of it all is my daily practice, and the rest unfolds from there. On some days I have things planned/scheduled, but beyond that, I take each day as it shows up with the energy that I have available to me in that moment. As a recovering compulsive planner and over-doer, my life is now more about allowing what needs to present itself to present, and then stepping into what is asked of me. When nothing is presenting, I remain with the no-thing, not pushing or forcing some sort of doing (aka productivity) out of the no-thing. Much of monastic living is about learning to live in this now moment and allowing ease. The rest seems to take care of itself.

The Practical Reality of Monastic Living

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Living monastically in the modern world begins with an understanding of the practical realities of making this choice. Of course, others may have a different experience of this, but this is how it’s worked out for me (often times kicking and screaming).

Living Really Really Simply

Let’s start with the dollars and cents of it – and here I’m going to be really really transparent.  

In 2023, I made $26,000. $13,560 of that went to rent.  Out of that balance I have to pay my regular living expenses (heat, electric, phone, internet, water, groceries, car insurance, gas, renter’s insurance, health insurance,) along with the expenses related to running a business. That leaves me with very little extra. I have just enough for entertainment via a few streaming channels that I share with my children, a few simple meals out, purchasing a few books on Amazon, and that’s about it. I’m not complaining.  This is a choice I have made and my personal needs are quite low. That being said, many of the things that many Americans take for granted – vacations, new furniture, designer clothes, etc. are not available to me. Nearly everything I own is either thrifted or found deeply discounted. These are the choices I’ve made because I choose peace over the stress other choices would cause me. Not that I’ve really had a choice.

A Choice We Don’t Really Choose

Monastic living is not a choice we make. It is chosen for us – often kicking and screaming. No matter how hard we try to fit into a traditional (Institutional) model, we cannot. These models elude us – making it impossible for us to get a “real job” or live a “normal life.” Every attempt we make at creating a life that fits any sort of traditional western paradigm fails. Every time we try to pursue traditional western definitions of success (money, power, fame) we end up bloody from beating our head against the wall. Remember that story of Jesus being tempted in the desert by Satan and the temptations he is offered?  SAME!  We may be tempted with these but no matter how hard we try, we cannot have them. It’s almost like monasticism is forced upon us.  Yeah, we could go against “God,” but that never goes well does it? Instead we learn to SURRENDER to what is and let our Soul carry us.

Submission and Obedience

Talk about defying western logic!  Monastic living requires that we set aside our personal wants, desires, hopes, dreams, and ego-attachments. To fulfill this calling, we have to surrender our entire selves to some sort of creative intelligence that is not our own (that which some might call “God.”). We have to submit to the guidance of this inner force – even when we believe we aren’t receiving a single shred of guidance. And we have to obey it. What about “free will” you might ask?  I’m not sure as it relates to a monastic calling we have free will. Yes, we could defy the nature and movement of our Soul, but I’ve learned it’s not worth it. It’s so much easier to submit to this calling than to fight the “will of God” – or as one friend calls it, “Universal Intent.”

At the end of the day, living monastically in the modern world is not a choice anyone in their right mind would make – that is why to those who are free to live a regular life, we and our choices appear insane. But for us, the only way we can remain sane is to live the life of a monastic no matter how countercultural that might be.

Living Monastic

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

As an unmarried adult woman of a certain age, living monastic looks a lot differently than how one might imagine. I’m not living in a convent. I haven’t taken vows of chastity, celibacy, or poverty. I don’t wear a habit. I sometimes wear sensible shoes, but only as a matter of comfort, not because it’s dictated by my order. Instead, I’m free to date (if I ever find anyone worthy). I dress as I choose. I earn less than the median income for where I live, but that’s a matter of choice not imposition. I live in a comfortable apartment by myself that I have turned into my personal sanctuary.

Monastic living for me is less about the externals (how things appear from the outside) and more about the ways in which I choose to spend my time and how I choose to be in the world.

Time, for me, is a precious commodity, and one I use wisely. I don’t waste my time on meaningless interactions or the expectations of our culture. Instead, my time is spent in the way in which I want to spend it which starts and ends with silence. As an introvert, I thrive in silence. Silence is my practice. It’s how I tune into myself and Source. Silence is my prayer, my meditation, and my life-blood. Silence is the place I begin each day and to what I return when I find myself disturbed by the world or by my own unhealed wounds. It is in silence that I find comfort, guidance, and healing and often how I share my own gifts like the times I feel called to send healing and love to our broken world. My entire day revolves around this silence and I guard it with my life.

Everything else revolves around that silence including all the doing that must be done in order to exist in this world – managing a household, taking care of chores, grocery shopping, cooking, working to earn a living, (this is the chop wood and carry water part of monastic living), and all the things I do for my own growth and enjoyment – reading, watching TV, writing, spending one on one time with friends, hanging out with my children, doing yoga, and being out in nature.

Also surrounding this silence are all the ways in which I show up in service to humanity – as a spiritual counselor and mentor to others, facilitating classes or groups, officiating at a funeral, and executing my office manager duties at a local ballet studio.  These are just the things that look official – you know, a vehicle for sharing my gifts and for making a living (chop wood carry water).

Beyond these obvious ways of doing is an even deeper showing up for me. This showing up is not about what I DO, but about how I BE. This being includes – being generous, being kind, being thoughtful, being welcoming, being friendly, being gentle, and sometimes being fierce. If I were to give a word to all this being, it would be LOVE – the kind of Love that isn’t all rainbows and unicorns but is sometimes like a shield or a sword – cutting through the bullshit, setting and maintaining boundaries, saying no, and being really really real with the challenges, difficulties, and evils in our world. Sometimes love is delivered in hard truths that some just don’t want to hear, at other times it’s delivered gently, but it is forever and always about love.

Living monastically in the modern world is a personal and counter-cultural choice that I know is not for everyone, but it is 100% for me. Arriving here has been almost sixty years in the making and I’m grateful for all of the experiences that have led me here.

The Only Thing Missing?

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

My long-held vision of living a monastic life has always included a cabin deep in the woods to which I can escape and be alone without the bother of humanity. I have dreamed in detail about this cabin and the life I might enjoy there. This cabin is the only thing missing from my so-called monastic life.  But is it?????

Yes, there is something deep in my being that longs to be deep in the woods, in my own little cabin, safe and sequestered away from human beings. I grew up with a cabin such as this – one my paternal grandfather built from a kit and placed deep into the woods of his parents’ 1800’s homestead. Some of my fondest memories of childhood are of the times we spent at the cabin “up at the lake.” It was there we were free to explore: picking wild blueberries, catching frogs, building forts out of fallen branches, fishing off the dock, learning to canoe, and swimming at the beach. It was a wild, untamed place where we were allowed to be even more feral than we already were as children of the 70’s.

My favorite thing about being “up at the lake” was the quiet. Deep in the woods the quiet has its own nature. It is still.  It is hush. But between the silence you could hear the rustle of leaves, the chirping of long skinny green frogs, the twittering of birds, and the call of the loon. The silence in the woods is one in which, when you listen deeply, you can hear the earth breathe.

The cabin in the woods provided me with the foundational experience of that kind of silence. This is the kind of silence I long for. Heretofore I believed that the only way to experience this kind of silence was deep in the woods in a cabin like the one my grandpa built. Life, however, has not cooperated in fulfilling the dream of my own cabin in the woods.  Instead, I find myself living in an apartment in an 1800’s remodeled school building smack dab in the middle of the bustling downtown of Oshkosh, Wisconsin (as bustling as a downtown can be in a town of only 65,000). Not quite a cabin, but a sanctuary, nonetheless.

The reality is that I know myself and one of the things I know about myself is that I do enjoy certain urban amenities. Oshkosh, I recently learned, falls into the category of “15-minute cities.” This means that everything one might need is within a 15-minute drive from home. In Oshkosh, it’s more like 3-10 minutes. I appreciate this kind of convenience. Even more so, I find I thrive in an environment where there is a quaint but artsy coffee shop along with easy access to creativity. As conservative as Oshkosh can be, there is an active, artistic, subculture. These are my people and where I find comfort and companionship. (companionship for me meaning, people I can relate to and have intelligent conversations with). Whereas Oshkosh was never in my life-plan, I’ve been here for just over 30 years and it has become a home.

While I still fantasize about running away to a cabin deep in the woods, I have found that the silence I discovered in nature can also be found in the hustle and bustle of a semi-urban community and that I need look no further than outside my office window for the trees that allow my soul to breathe. As it turns out, I’m not missing anything. Everything I need to live a monastic life has been right here all along.

Exactly Where I Wanted to Be

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

This morning I find myself feeling a little bit like the fairytale heroine who went out looking for her soul’s longing only to wake up one day to realize she already had it and has had it for quite some time.

This is exactly where I find myself with the realization that has been a long-time coming in the midst of me already living it. Who knew?

My soul knew!  The longing has been there for as long as I can remember – even without my young self being able to give it words. Based on the models in which I was raised, the words I can now give to what my soul has longed for (and as it turns out has already been living) is: MONASTIC LIVING – in the modern world.

As it turns out, my home is my “monastery.” My practice is my “church.” My showing up in the world is my way of being of service to humanity. 

These things I have always known, but not in a way that allowed me to fully embrace it. Instead, I’ve been wiggling and writhing through the conditioned ego-attachments of our culture which dictate our understandings of success as defined by material wealth, notoriety, and power.

Additionally, I’ve had to wage an inner battle with pop culture spirituality that tells us the only work that matters is that which bears a certain appearance and comes in a particular package. Nowhere in this model are we told that EVERYTHING we do has the potential to be a kind of service to humanity – everything from my office manager work at the ballet studio to my frequent visits to my favorite coffee shop, to showing up to yoga class, posting on social media, or grocery shopping. True service is not about what we do, but how we are showing up as Love (compassion, joy, peace, gentleness, insight, counsel, companionship, care, etc.) in the world.

Monastic living in the modern world is exactly what I’ve been doing and increasingly so since being given an opportunity to fully immerse myself during the Covid-19 shutdown in 2020. The Covid-19 shutdown fulfilled my longing and I was one of those screaming “NOOOOOOOO” when the shutdown was brought to an end and I had to return to the “real world.” As it turns out, the real world is just as monastic as being locked in my home for three months – I just needed to find my way through the tangled forest of ego attachments and cultural conditioning to realize it.

As it turns out I’ve not only been creating, but actually living my monastic life all along!  I’m already exactly where I’ve long said I wanted to be.