This weekend my heart is heavy over the many deaths this week which have been brought into my awareness, including the death of a close friend.
This has been an anxious week of vigil, waiting, and then “sitting shiva” over not only my friend’s death, but the deaths of so many others who I know either closely or by acquaintance. I’ve also been in the throes of grief – experiencing every face of grief, seemingly all at once. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and sorrow. In the midst of this grief, I also find myself tempted by self-judgment. I’m coming to believe this judgment may be part of the bargaining stage of grief. “If I hadn’t been foolish enough to care about this person then I wouldn’t be feeling so bad.”
Death is hard and often brings up questions. Death is NOT a guarantee of closure. Death leaves many questions unanswered and conflicts unresolved. We can’t go back to clarify confusion or ask for explanations. All we can do is sit in the discomfort of vacancy and a whole lot of unknowns. Death brings confusion and there is nothing we can do to resolve that confusion.
So we sit, and twitch. We pick at our wounds. We grieve. We battle our inner self-talk. We rage. We sit in the state of paralysis unable to do, or think, or even find stillness in being. In death, we are reminded of how excruciatingly human, vulnerable, and fragile we are, and we are invited to be with this humanness until we can accept this as who we are.
Perhaps this is the stage of “acceptance” that grief experts speak of. It’s not about acceptance of the loss of the person we cared for, it’s about accepting the most vulnerable, wounded, and fragile parts of who we are and loving ourselves anyway.
I have grown increasingly weary of the new thought, new age, la la positivity movements and their “can-do” attitude subtly laced with shame and guilt. You know the routine:
“Think the right thoughts and you’ll get what you want.”
“If you don’t have what you want it’s because you aren’t thinking the right thoughts.”
“Don’t like your current life state? Change your thoughts!”
“The state of your life is what you agreed to before you came here.”
“Suffering is an example of past life karma.”
“You must have done something wrong in a past life for this to happen….”
“You created this.”
“You create your reality.”
“If you want more you have to work hard.”
Yadda Yadda Yadda
On all of this I call BULL SHIT!
Seriously, the very last thing we need in our lives is a reinforcement of the messages many of us grew up with: “You did something wrong. There’s something wrong with you. It’s your fault. God is punishing you. God will punish you.”
Guilt. Shame. Blame. Over-responsibility.
Again, I call bullshit on this all.
Life is life. Period.
Sometimes in life we experience joy and ease. Sometimes life sucks and we die. Sometimes good things come from hard work. Sometimes only pain comes from hard work. Somedays we feel happy and joyful. Other days we feel depressed. Sometimes it seems we have the power to create our reality……..OR……..was the creation a function of privilege?
At 59 years old, I’ve learned there is really no rhyme or reason to life. Sometimes really bad people do nothing and seem to get everything they want. Often, really good people work really hard and get nothing. Perfectly healthy, really good young people get sick and die by no fault of their own, and absolutely terrible human beings get sick with a terminal illness and live for fucking ever! No amount of thinking the right thoughts, praying the right prayers, or so-called life contracts or past life experiences change the circumstances of the human condition.
The human condition JUST IS. We have joy. We experience suffering. We find ease. We struggle. And none of this is our fault!!!!! Our thoughts don’t dictate our life. Prayers and spells don’t change the course of fate. Life just is. And the last thing we need in the already difficult experience of being human is someone gloating about their good fortune and then telling us we don’t have what they do because we signed a life contract or thought the wrong thoughts. F*CK that SH*T!
But here is what we can do with life: Find resources and tools that help us to survive it!
Find a therapist.
Secure a spiritual director.
Ask your doctor for medicinal support (Zoloft is my friend).
Phone a friend.
Cultivate a daily practice that creates the space in which you can return to a place of inner peace.
Exercise.
Do what you love when you are able.
Drink coffee. Eat chocolate. Love what you love in healthy amounts.
Find meaningful work if you are able, and if not, find something that doesn’t kill your soul.
Enjoy nature.
Create space to be fully present to your feelings: ALL OF THEM!
Honor your sorrow, depression, loneliness, and sense of abandonment. They all have something to teach you.
Find practices to free you from any and all guilt and shame based conditioning.
FREE YOURSELF from any and all person/teachers/tools that try to heap shame or guilt upon you.
And remember this: YOU ARE A PRECIOUS AND GLORIOUS CHILD OF LOVE/God. And if you have forgotten this, find tools to help you remember!
And if all else fails, exercise my favorite mantra: F*CK This SH*T!
I’m writing today as a kind of “energy report” but I’m not sure these are even the proper words. More accurately, I’m writing to share some deep observations of what seems to be happening for those of us who are here to be and share Love in the world.
This may not be universal, but I know for myself and those with whom I am in close contact, we have been sequestered. This is not surprising considering we are in the middle of an eclipse portal between the lunar eclipse on March 25th and the upcoming full solar eclipse on April 8th. This is a big deal eclipse for the US as it makes a wide swath across the nation and will be visible across much of it.
This sequestering feels deep, quiet, and still. For myself, I haven’t had much to do but be. Actually, it’s been glorious. I’ve been living my favorite kind of life – private, silent, gentle, with lots of time for reading, creating, learning, praying, and just being. We even got socked in last night by a HUGE snowstorm that effectively closed most of Wisconsin. Hey, I will never be disappointed with a snowday where I get to stay home, do nothing, and be cozy.
But there’s much more to this sequestering than snowdays. While we are being sequestered, set apart, told to stay home and stay put, while we’re perhaps being deprived of anything related to doing or making things happen, the world out there is about to LOSE ITS SHIT!
The two biggies that draw my attention: The war in Gaza. The US Presidential election.
I’m not going into details because if you’ve been paying attention, you know.
It feels like the universe is holding its breath and we are holding ours with it as it all seems like a powder keg is about to go off. And go off it will. These conflicts need to come to a head, and they will. Two metaphorical representations of that which has never served and which desperately needs to come to an end.
So we wait. We watch. We take note. We pay attention. BUT WE CANNOT be emotionally involved. We must stand back as objective witnesses to paradigms in their death throes, because WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN, we have to be here, ready and able to step forward in whatever way we are called.
Until then, we wait, sequestered, holding our breaths, and waiting for the moment we can exhale. It’s back to work for me tomorrow, but today I think I’ll be spending the majority of the day in prayer.
I’m interested in hearing how you are experiencing this sequestering. Please share in the comment section below!
Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance.
Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.
They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?”
“They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”
Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”
Jesus said to her, “Mary.”
She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).
Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”
Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen the Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her.
Beyond our own personal reflections on the gospels, there are a few things we may be able to surmise from the texts, especially for our current purpose of understanding what might really have taken place during the events surrounding Jesus’ resurrection.
In each and every gospel account, Mary Magdalene is named as one who is witness to the resurrection. The same cannot be said of any other “named” witness.
Scripture scholars further highlight this point in noting that Mary is named. Scholarly consensus holds that for a woman to have been named, she must have had a central and critical role in the story of Jesus (remember, women had no personal value within the culture of first-century Palestine). Mary is named in every gospel account of the resurrection, including that portrayed in the Gospel of Mary Magdalene (one of those that didn’t make the cut).
Beyond being named in scripture as witness to the resurrection, Tradition has always honored Mary Magdalene as first witness to the resurrection, so much so that in the very early Church, Mary was identified as “Apostle to the Apostles,” for this is what she was.
“But what about Peter?” we might ask. He is named in both the gospel of Luke and the gospel of John. There is an easy explanation for Peter being named in Luke’s gospel. Scripture scholars tell us it is unlikely that the author of Luke was a direct follower of Jesus. Instead, Luke was most likely a follower of St. Paul, who actually never met Jesus personally. Paul (as Saul of Tarsus) was initially a persecutor of the followers of Jesus, himself ordering the stoning of St. Stephen, the first martyr. Paul later had some sort of mystical experience through which he encountered the risen Christ and then became a champion for the Jesus cause. Paul likely gained his knowledge of the Jesus story from Peter and the other male disciples who presided over the first Christian community in Jerusalem, long after Mary Magdalene left the scene (more on that in the next lesson). By this time, it is likely that the Petrine (Peter) agenda had already been cemented within the Jerusalem community. Because Mary played such an integral part in the resurrection experience, she could not be omitted altogether, but her role was easily downplayed by having Peter, himself, witness to the empty tomb.
Then there is the gospel of John. John’s gospel is markedly different from any of the other gospels and seems to be of a genre unto itself – a gospel that is a theological reflection on the first 100 years of the Jesus movement and on some of the traditions, rituals, and practices that had already become part of the emerging Christian tradition. While one of the later gospels written, John’s gospel also possesses parts of the Mary Magdalene tradition that are not present (or are downplayed) in the other gospels including the Wedding at Cana, the story of the Samaritan Woman at the Well and the Anointing at Bethany. In regards to the story of the resurrection, John’s gospel presents a study in contrasts. First, Mary goes to the tomb. She then runs to tell Peter, who comes to the tomb to see that it is empty. After Peter (and the unnamed disciple) departs Mary sticks around and has a direct and personal encounter with Jesus, who then tells her to go tell the other disciples.
The conflicting information in this gospel has confounded me for years, until I brought this reading into deep prayer and meditation. Through this approach, the answer became glaringly obvious. The gospel of John contains two separate stories of the resurrection account – one in which Mary is the witness, another where Peter is given privilege. It is my personal belief that the passage regarding Peter was inserted into the Mary story to suit the later Christian Church (second – third century) who sought to put forth a decidedly patriarchal and hierarchical agenda and who had already designated Peter (in tradition if not in fact) leader of the early Church and the first Pope (Historically, Peter never acted in any role similar to that of Pope. There is also doubt as to whether or not he actually made it as far as Rome). Within this agenda, there can be no room for a woman who was obviously commissioned to a leadership role by none other than Jesus, himself. But, don’t take my word for it. Go back and re-read the resurrection account from John and then decide for yourself.
Indeed. We are here. Everyone can see it. Even those who benefit from the current patriarchal, hierarchical, capitalistic systems.
Why else would our world be so chaotic and have the appearance of a complete and total shit show?
Poverty and homelessness are raging.
Inflation is running rampant.
Corporations are getting fat off profits while Americans starve.
Corporations have destroyed the environment.
Wars are raging around us as Corporate America gets fat off the spoils of war – wars the US is paying for.
As all of this is happening, the puppet masters of our nation are purposefully trying to distract us with thoughts of blame, taking advantage of our human tendency toward projection:
“It can’t be the system that’s wrong! It must be those other people.”
(whomever those others are to those who want to hate them.)
The truth at the heart of all the chaos, inequity, and injustice is that the lies of patriarchal capitalism are being revealed.
It is not the fault of a singular political party, a person’s race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or ethnicity.
The fault, indeed, is with the system. A hierarchical, patriarchal, capitalistic system created with the sole purpose and intent to increase the wealth of white, male, landowners. The first American Revolution was not fought for the sake of our freedom (as we have been taught). Instead, it was fought for the sake of the wealthy few who sought to have this nation for themselves and to have it unencumbered by the laws of Britain. They didn’t care for the people who were already here. They didn’t care for the rights of women. They didn’t care for anyone other than themselves, but they worked really hard to convince us otherwise.
The mess we are in today began over 200 years ago when white, wealthy men came up with their “great idea.” An idea that was flawed from the beginning and which has continued to create systems that favor the liberty of one single demographic. An idea that has proved itself to be unsustainable. As the powerful few are getting rich, the world itself is being destroyed.
America is a nation divided – not by race, religion, or gender (as the puppet masters would have us believe) – but by power. The powerful few getting fat off the backs of the other 99.9%. As Jesus said, “Every nation divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand.” (Matthew 12: 25)
This is what we are witnessing. The collapse of an empire under the weight of its own unjust inception. And in the face of this collapse, we have a choice. Do we follow the distractions of the empire as it works to pit us against each other, or do we come together in our collective suffering and rise up? In rising up, we rise above the chaos and confusion, distractions and projections, and come together with one common goal – to right that which was made wrong 200 years ago.
The second American revolution will not be fought with guns or bombs but will instead be won through a collective desire to create a new world – one in which the needs of all are met, where compassion and justice reign, and where all are free to enjoy the liberties that are currently enjoyed only by a powerful few. Sing with me:
This past week, Donald Trump won the Iowa caucus. My initial reaction was WTFingF? My second thought was a deep disgust for those who voted for him (not that the other candidates are any better). My third thought was a memory – a memory of when he won the presidential vote in 2016. My first response then was complete and total shock. For a day I processed the sense of being betrayed by the American people. Then, I went into deep prayer and pleaded with the Universe to help me understand the meaning of Trump’s victory. The answer from the Universe was immediate – a visceral replaying of the scene from the Ten Commandment’s movie when the angel of death passes through Egypt. I was then told directly, “Donald Trump is playing the role of the Angel of Death – that which passes through, ushering in the death of all that no longer serves.”
Understanding all the lies, corruption, and evil that lay hidden in our nation, I could accept that perspective. Trump’s presidency proved this out – pulling away the veil of all that lay hidden behind the façade of American culture and governance – corporate greed, racism, xenophobia, sexism, misogyny, bigotry, government corruption, etc. etc. etc. The effects of those four years have been far-reaching, traumatic, disgusting, and repulsive. That was just the beginning.
Behind and beneath the surface, the Trump machine continues. The evils that he espouses and embodies churns beneath the surface, while he seemingly avoids any consequence for his criminal actions, likewise those who claim him to be their messiah.
There can be no doubt that Donald Trump is either evil or stupid – the willing pawn of powerbrokers manipulating him from behind the scenes, deeply entrenched with all those who believe as he believes. Fearful, hateful, willfully ignorant people who see themselves in Donald Trump and visa versa. To think of another four years of Donald Trump as president, supporting and advocating for evil, admittedly fills me with terror and dread.
In this, I am reminded that angels can also be demons:
Demons Walking Among Us
There are indeed demons among us –
Broken, wounded humans stubbornly rooted in fear –
Ignorant of, yet defined by their wounds –
The effect coming out sideways.
Tentacles of manipulation attempting to control
through guilt and shame-based insults and projections of blame.
“You’re the cause of my discontent.”
When called out for their behaviors
or boundaries set,
lashing out with escalating shrieks.
Becoming slithering shadows or terror and intensifying attacks.
Giving away their power while simultaneously fighting to get it back.
Feeling powerless.
Feigning Power.
A counterfeit.
Bullying.
Fawning.
Flattering.
Demeaning.
Condemning with their own condemnation.
Never once accepting responsibility
or holding themselves accountable to their own wounds.
These are the demons who walk among us.
It’s impossible to help or heal them
for it is in an eternal state of victimhood that they are fed.
Whether he proves victorious or not, I am aware of the deep corruption and evil in our culture that needs to be exposed so that it can be healed, and that perhaps until the sources of racism and bigotry and fully exposed they cannot be transformed. I just hope it’s not through Trump that this healing needs to come about. As it relates to the (very real) possibility of another Trump presidency, I am hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.
Online courses to support you in confronting demons:
Lauri Ann Lumby 