Undoing Conditioning

We’re the Ones We’ve Been Waiting for

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

As I write this, American and Israeli troops, under the direction of their respective “leaders,” have waged war against Iran. My heart and my prayers go out to the innocent and for all who will come into harm’s way in this unjustified (IMO) attack.

The world has gone mad, and I am the first one who will willingly board the Mothership when she comes to take us all home. Unfortunately, this desire to be rescued by otherworldly beings is more than likely a fairytale we tell ourselves as we struggle to make sense of the insanity of this world and find some shred of comfort in a time where there is none (or seems to be none).

It’s the same compulsion that drives fantasies of the rapture or the physical “second-coming.”

It’s also the same delusion that has us believing (wishing, hoping, dreaming, pleading) that our elected officials have anyone else’s interest in mind but their own.

Salvation does not come from those indentured to the system – EVER. It can only come from those who are already free. As such, the hard reality is that no one is coming to save us because we are already here.

WE are the ones who are called to speak truth to power, call out the evil in our midst, and stand up against terror and injustice.

We are called to do this, each, in our own unique way, according to our individual gifts and calling. THIS is what the system wants us to forget and what the system has spent lifetimes beating out of us. In a system which seeks only power and control, there is no room for individual gifts or the empowerment of those gifts. As such, everything within the system is designed to keep us from our gifts and from the fruits that they will bring. In place of our gifts, we are trained to be obedient workers in a system that makes us poor and a very small minority exceedingly rich, while being convinced that obedience to this system is what makes us free. HAH!  The biggest lie of all. 

The reality is that as long as we are obedient to the system, allowing its conditioning to rule us, we will never be free. Instead, we lie back waiting for the Mothership or Congress to show up and do their damn jobs.

No one is coming to save us but ourselves. This is what we’ve been made for and why we find ourselves here during this time in human history. We are here to save ourselves, and this salvation begins right here, right now, within each and every one of us as we begin the processes of 1) unraveling from the system and 2) coming to know the truth of who we are outside of society’s chains.

We are here and we are the ones here to save us. How are you responding to that call?

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Support Our Mission

With deep gratitude, and inspired by my fellow monastic, Cynthia Bourgeault, I am providing an opportunity for those who feel so-called to support my work in the world. I am inviting this support to be of the heart as a freely given (not coerced in any way) expression of your recognition and acknowledgement of the value you see in the (mostly invisible) work I am doing in support of the betterment of our world:

  • Providing ongoing messages of inspiration, and hope.
  • Shining a light on deception, disparity and injustice.
  • A life devoted to mindful presence.
  • Equipping and empowering loving presence and action in myself and others by healing the wounds that imprison us in fear.
  • Activating and unblocking the flow of Love through healing practices, prayer, and community engagement.

As the capitalistic world does not acknowledge the value of this invisible work, I am turning to you for support. I know you see me.  I know you value who I am and what I have been doing on behalf of our world.  If you feel called to this, I thank you.

What Are Your Gifts?

Uniquely Gifted, created by Lauri Ann Lumby, OM, MATS  was created to support you in knowing the truth that YOU are uniquely gifted to experience meaning and purpose in your life and to find fulfillment in the use and engagement of your gifts, first for yourself, and then, in service to the betterment of the world.  Your gifts were given to you so that you might enjoy happiness, and your gifts are meant to be shared so that the world can become a better place for all of us to enjoy.   You cannot become the person you were meant to be – achieving your greatest potential – without discovering, cultivating, nurturing and then sharing your gifts; and the world cannot become what it was meant to be without the gifts you have to share.  For your own sake, and for the sake of the world, I thank you for giving yourself the permission and the time to explore your magic and discover your gifts! 

Learn more HERE.

Slaying the Demons of Conditioning

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Conditioning is made up of the rules we were told we must obey, lest we suffer dire consequences. Conditioning also consists of the behaviors we have adopted under the false pretense that if we do, we will be loved, valued, and successful. Conditioning NEVER comes from within us but is always imposed upon us by some outside perceived (often self-appointed) authority.

The hierarchical, patriarchal world that is currently going up in flames obtains its power through conditioning – what might also be called manipulation – a seemingly endless list of rules accompanied by the punishment one will receive for defying those rules.

Non-loving conditioning keeps us imprisoned by the system, but what the system doesn’t know is that as increasing numbers of us turn away from this conditioning, the system will lose its power, disintegrate into dust, and then we will be authentically free. We will be free to live the life the vast majority of us crave – one built on love for ourselves, one another, and the world.

Slaying the demons of conditioning begins by naming the demons – identifying them and their place in our lives. As you read through the following list, identify which of these demons you have been subject to, the role it has played in your life, and what of it still remains. As you are reading, also allow for other demons of conditioning to arise in your consciousness:

  • The demon that has told us that men are of greater value than women.
  • The demon that treats women and children solely as property.
  • The demon that values white people of European descent over people of color.
  • The demon that tells us straight is good and gay is bad.
  • The demon that trained us to be obedient to an external authority.
  • The demon that trained us to believe we cannot know our own truth, but must find it outside of us.
  • The demon that defines masculinity and femininity.
  • The demon that speaks solely in binaries.
  • The demon that taught us that humans are to have dominion over nature and that by virtue of that dominion, we have the right to take what we want in whatever way we want to without regard for the health of our planet.
  • The demon that tells us who we belong to and what the rules are for that belonging. (ie: As one raised Catholic, I was conditioned to seek belonging from my community and to follow the rules that would insure that belonging).
  • The demon that sets beauty standards for women and men, judging anything outside of those standards as unworthy.
  • The Capitalistic demon that defines success based only on money, power, fame, and accumulation.
  • The same Capitalistic demon that dictates the methods for acquiring that “success” through hard work alone (ie hard work alone will make you successful).
  • The demon that evaluates intelligence based solely on IQ or academic grades.
  • The demon that created hierarchical obedience.
  • The demon that told us to feel shame when bad things are being done to us, and to feel even more ashamed for reporting those bad things.
  • The demons that use media and advertising to manipulate us through our insecurities to act in the way they want us to act (ie. Believing their lies, buying their products).

In short – conditioning is all based on lies – lies that favor those in power, making the rest of us subservient to them. If we want to be free of this manipulation, we need to slay the demons of conditioning.

Slaying these demons begins with identification and is finished by simply saying NO.

Name the demon that has had influence over you and then simply say NO to it. Refuse to give that demon heed. Just say no – again, and again, and again, until that demon is once and for all silenced.

And if saying no isn’t enough, then please reach out for additional support. There are simple and practical tools for freeing ourselves of the demons of conditioning, we just need to learn them and practice them.

Practices for Demon Slaying

Click here to learn more

Work with Lauri one-on-one

For over twenty-five years I have been a source of support for individuals through the most vulnerable and tender parts of their human journeys. I have counselled people through the unexpected death of a child. I have supported couples facing the “dark night” of their marriage. I have been a welcome guide and mentor in the human journey of spiritual growth and development. I have provided healing for those experiencing mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. I have been a source of support through midlife crises, divorce, job loss, empty nest, and other deeply transformational times of transition.

Whether working with me over the phone, via ZOOM, or in my home, you will find a warm and welcoming place here where you can step away from the chaos and unrest of the outside world and be supported in returning to your heart – for it is there you will find rest, peace, and the answers to life’s questions. My hearth-fire is always burning. You will find comfort and safety here.

With love,

Lauri

email lauri@lauriannlumby.com to schedule a session.

Choosing Timelines

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

As the year of the Wood Snake draws to a close and the year of the Fire Horse has not yet begun, we find ourselves within a choice point. As we have allowed all that no longer serves us to be consumed by the snake, we now reside within the emptiness of the Void between what has been and what has not yet come into being.

At this juncture we are being given the ultimate choice – will we remain on the path that is driven by perceived powers outside of us, or step off that path and onto the road of claiming our own power and authority?  Personal power, inner authority, and executive functioning are the gifts of the Fire Horse, should we choose to accept them. But first, we must get really clear on how we have given our power away to those we have considered our “authorities.”

The authorities of the past include:

  • Our perceptions about “God.”
  • Those we call “teacher.”
  • Those we have voted into power and entrusted with making decisions for us.
  • Celebrities.
  • Parents.
  • Pastors, priests, etc.
  • Employers/bosses.
  • Human Resource departments.
  • Union leaders.
  • So-called gurus.
  • Peer groups.
  • The media.
  • “Influencers.”
  • Romantic partners.
  • Our children.
  • And just to get the point across: GOD!

In one timeline, we will continue to rely on those outside of us to tell us what is true, what to do, how to act, while allowing them to make decisions for us (believing the lie they are working on our behalf). In this agreement, we are forever subject to the fearful and selfish whims of those we have put into power, and we will only and forever find ourselves powerless.

The timeline, into which the Fire Horse invites us, is that of personal power and authority. In learning how to accurately discern truth on our own, and owning that truth, we come to realize that not one human being knows more about who we are or what we need than ourselves. We are able to see through the illusion of falsehood behind which most people of “power” reside. We see that their motivations are their own and have nothing to do with our wellbeing or what we might need as an individual or a species.

For thousands of years we have lived within this dynamic of giving our power away – and look what it has gotten us…..a species on the brink of its own extinction by its own hand, and a world forever at war – not because people can’t get along, but because those we have placed in power can never get enough.

To this, we say “enough.”

Or do we?

For sixty years, I have lived this lesson, first doing what I was told and believing what I was taught because that was what made one a “good girl.” At a young age, I began to see through the cracks of this illusion and have spent the past 50+ years learning to discern my own truth by trusting what my gut tells me, above all else. Living that truth, however, has never been easy. From kindergarten on I have experienced the punishment that comes from challenging the status quo and questioning that which we are not meant to question. My gut has always proven itself to be true, but that has not made the journey any easier – I’ve lost community, so-called friends, belonging, and the ability to be “successful” within the current system and its rules.

Standing in our own authority costs us everything upon which the current system depends. I have found, however, that I can live no other way. If you found yourself drawn to this blog, I’m guessing you, also, cannot live any other way. The good news is that in the year of the Fire Horse, it will be those who choose to embrace their own inner authority and trust what their own heart tells them is truth, that will thrive. Those who remain in the path of attachment to the status quo, enslaved by external authorities will find themselves suffering in the same dumpster fire in which the world of fear, power, and control is currently heading.

Which timeline are you going to choose?

Learn about our mission here.

Between Two Worlds

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

Sisters and brothers, I am writing this from a place between time and space – a space between two worlds – between a world that has been and a world that is yet to be. The world as we have known it has been dying – rapidly and violently – accompanied by a cacophony of voices – some crying out in rage, others wailing out loss, many mumbling in confusion, and some have simply grown silent out of either shock or fatigue.

There is no judgment here. There is no right or wrong way of processing a catastrophic end. We are all simply trying to survive an end we predicted but could never have imagined would be this bad.

It is shocking to see the ever-unfolding revelation of human corruption. Every day we are met with another all-time low:

Oh my God this is bad.

Oh my God, this is really bad!

Oh my God, it can’t get worse than this!

Yes, it can. And yes, it likely will. But the news isn’t all bad. In fact, even the worst of what we have seen so far is good (or at the very least, serving a higher good) when we see it through the proper lens. For the end to finally come (come on already!), every single falsehood upon which the illusion of freedom has been built must be revealed to be seen. Every single corruption upon which the Empire was built must show itself. Every failure of the system must be known. Every lie, every betrayal, every evil, every sin, must come forth so that when the current system finally completes its collapse, we will know what needs to be different as we build the world that is yet to be.

But we’re not there yet. Right now, we are in the gap. The gap between what is dying and what is yet to be. In the gap, we wait. We watch. We observe. We protect each other. We do our best to keep ourselves and each other safe. We mark the outrage. We speak truth to power. We hold ourselves and our loved ones as we grieve. We extend kindness to each other as together we are simply trying to survive a world in its demise. We allow ourselves the fallow time to simply be as our body, minds, and spirit process the horrors, the tragedies, and the fear – our own and that of the collective.

Now is not the time to build. Now is the time to HOLD. To hold on to center as best we can – knowing that as tragedies strike, we will get pulled away from center in our anger and our grief. We honor our need to rage, to speak out, to defend. And then we bring ourselves back – TO LOVE. Love that can see beyond the surface violence to the unraveling of corruption. Love that can see the tragic woundedness of men that would make them want to perpetuate violence. Love that sees the actions of Love in a sea of hate and understand that with each loving act, a new world is being born.

Support for Dying Times

The Collective Shadow of the US

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

On Wednesday, January 7, 2026, around 9:30 in the morning, Renee Nicole Good of Minneapolis was murdered by an ICE agent, shot in the face when she refused to comply with his unlawful order. The murder took place in the residential area of East 34th Street and South Portland Avenue in the Powderhorn Park neighborhood. Minneapolis, and all the world with them are mourning this tragedy and angered at the gross miscarriage of justice that would allow a mostly untrained officer to execute a mother of three without cause.

As the story continues to unfold, the whole world is watching and wondering, will this finally be the tipping point the United States needs to get out from under this reign of terror?

Sadly, I suspect not. If those in positions of perceived authority haven’t acted yet, I doubt the killing of an innocent white woman will motivate them to do anything now. Not because our so-called elected officials are evil (though some, including me, might argue this point), but because they, and the system they continue to support, are simply a reflection of the collective unacknowledged, and therefore unhealed shadow of this nation.

The ICE agent, yet to be named as of this writing, who murdered Renee Nicole Good, is like the characterization of most ICE agents: an angry, racist, possibly sexist, white man who is projecting his own fears and insecurities on those he has been told, and believes, are the cause of his suffering. Apparently women are included among those he hates. Or, woefully untrained in how to manage conflict or how to de-escalate a crisis, reacted out of panic or fear in shooting the mother of three who refused to comply with his unlawful requests.

Or maybe he shot her simply because she had the courage to say no.

We may never know what drove the ICE agent to kill Renee Good, but we can guess at the knee-jerk reaction that would incite anyone to even draw a gun.

The ICE agent reflects our shadow. He IS our shadow.

As I’ve said before, the United States was firmly established in misogyny and racism. Whereas policies have been implemented and laws passed that give us the illusion of freedom and equality, as any woman or person of color will tell you, we are not truly free. Neither are we treated equally under the law. In order for the United States to heal and become the dream it has presented to the world, it first has to acknowledge this truth, along with all the other truths the US does not want to admit. As Hasan Piker stated in a recent podcast, “The United States is the biggest terrorist of all time.”  He’s not wrong. Terror from the inside and terror on the outside. And until we address these difficult truths, we will never heal, and nothing will ever change.

Rest in peace Renee Nicole Good and may justice one day be served.

Not for the Masses

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

For years I have struggled to understand and make peace with the reality that very few people are attracted to the Magdalene work that I provide, and even fewer complete it. Now I get it:

The Magdalene is not for the masses!

While likely hundreds of books have been published in her name and a similar number of online resources are available, many of which offer their own versions of “Magdalene training” or offer retreats and pilgrimages in the name of the Magdalene, it is not to the resources and support I provide where people tend to gravitate. Formerly, I took this personally. Now, I acknowledge it as a victory of sorts – a victory, not for myself, but a victory for those who are called to the work I facilitate, especially to those who complete it.

The work of the Magdalene was never meant to be easy. Neither is it something to be entered into lightly for the purposes of puffing up the ego or making oneself feel special. If it was a challenge for Mary, who earned the title of Magdalene through her commitment to and mastery of these teachings, so shall it be for those who courageously embark upon this journey.

It was not to the masses, nor to the other disciples that the risen Christ was revealed. Neither were any of the other disciples ordained to continue the depth work facilitated by Jesus. It was only to Mary, called Magdalene, that these things were given.

The work of the Magdalene is hard. It requires discipline, tenacity, persistence, and a 100% commitment to radical personal accountability. The journey Mary completed under Jesus’ tutelage revealed to her the path through which one is able to overcome the inner demons (fears, unhealed wounds, societal conditioning) that prevent one from knowing their true nature as Love in Union with the All. With single-minded focus, Mary confronted each and every unhealed wound, false perception, non-loving conditioning, and fear which blocked her way from knowing this Love and in doing so, became the embodiment of Love – as Jesus himself had done. There is no other direct follower of Jesus said to have completed this work (with the possible exception of John – though recent scholarship suggests the writings attributed to John may in fact, have come from, Mary, herself).

As Mary’s accomplishment was rare, so has it been throughout history. It is only our pop-culture spirituality that might suggest otherwise. Contrary to mass-marketed spirituality, enlightenment cannot be bought. It can only be uncovered in bits and pieces as we diligently tend to every single obstacle to Love – including (especially) ourselves. This is not the work for the faint of heart. Instead, we must look in the mirror with excruciating scrutiny:

  • What are the lies we’ve told ourselves?
  • What are the attachments we’ve formed?
  • How are we feeding our egos with dreams of popularity, fame, power, or wealth?
  • Where are we making excuses for our inhumanity to our fellow human beings?
  • Where are we harboring hatred?
  • How are we hiding our true selves for the sake of other people’s approval?
  • Where are we depriving ourselves of the things we need to fit into the status quo?
  • How have we bought into capitalistic deceptions and in what ways have we sold our soul to “make it?”
  • What are the sensitivities we’ve ignored, the reactions we’ve excused, or the violence we’ve justified – toward others and to ourselves?

Few, I have found, are willing to be so honest, and fewer still are willing to accept the kind of accountability that true transformation requires. And that’s ok. Like Jesus, the Magdalene wears many faces – a symbol for some, an inspiration for others, and to those called to the depths – a psychopomp leading them on a journey through the underworld where their wounds may be transformed and their truest light revealed.

My most-recommended books on the Magdalene:

Bourgeault, Cynthia, The Meaning of Mary Magdalene – Discovering the Woman at the Heart of Christianity, Shambhala Publications, 2010.

DeQuillan, Jehanne, The Gospel of the Beloved Companion, Athara Editions, 2010.

Leloup, Jean-Yves, The Gospel of Mary Magdalene, Inner Traditions, 2002.

What Are We Celebrating – Really?

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

What is Christmas – really?
We claim to be celebrating
The birth of a child
Who later became a man.

But what version of the man do we honor?
The one who taught us Love,
Or the one who causes us to hate?

I will always choose the former,
Yet I’m amazed at how many continue,
In his name,
Choosing hate.
It makes me not want to honor
The birth of the child
Lest some confuse me
With those choosing hatred in his name.

Neither am I comfortable calling myself “Christian”
For all the baggage now heaped upon the name.

  • The name raised as a banner in war.
  • A name forced upon others under threat of death.
  • The name hurled in condemnation over those feeling no other option than choice.
  • A name used as justification for the subjugation of women, children, and the foreigner.
  • A name that has built walls, and prisons, and instruments of torture.
  • A name men in power claim, who couldn’t see Him if He was staring them in the face.

Because of all of this,
Christmas to me has become
Just another day –
And like all other days,
A time to reflect on Love,
And how to Be and Live it more fully –
Just as Jesus did.

Being Gentle with Ourselves

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

It is near impossible to ignore the death throes of the dying empire. We are bombarded with the symptoms every day – often every minute of every day. It is constant and relentless.

What we may forget to heed, however, is the credit we are due for enduring the constant assault on our being – our bodies, minds, and spirits are all suffering from the assault of a world gone mad. Admittedly, “enduring” might be overreach when on most days simply surviving feels like an enormous effort. The fact that you’re reading this, however, tells me that at the very least, you are surviving. Perhaps just by the skin of your teeth – but you’re still here.  That’s the point.

The dying world is not meant to destroy us (though there will be those destroyed by the collapse). It will test and challenge us. In direct opposition to our conditioning, the purpose of the test is not so that we might exert our strength or bolster our will. Instead, the invitation in the face of the dying system is to learn how to be soft. Instead of toughening us, the empire’s collapse is meant to make us more gentle. Gentle with ourselves – and others.

Learning to be gentle starts with ourselves. It begins with a thorough examination of our conditioning and all the ways we were ridiculed, condemned, criticized or rejected for being sensitive, kind, quiet, compassionate, caring, sharing, and gentle. The examination continues by exploring how our conditioning told us how we should be instead: strong, brave, courageous, competitive, tough, bullet-proof, etc. In the world that is dying, we have not been rewarded for being gentle – only for being tough. The new world that we are moving into will reward us for being gentle.

Choosing that new world starts today. Give yourself credit for the suffering you have endured in your life thus far. Acknowledge the losses, betrayals, deceptions, and heartbreaks you have suffered. If you have suffered trauma, offer yourself grace when your past traumas are triggered. Give yourself permission to do nothing, to wallow, to “rot” (as Gen Z’s say). If your panic or fear are triggered and your brain goes numb, allow yourself to check out. Be quiet. Be still.  BE NON-Productive (our value is NOT determined by our productivity – as much as we’ve been told otherwise)!  Defy the capitalistic, patriarchal expectations around striving after achievement, seeking to be known or seen. Popularity does not determine our value!  When you’re feeling sad – be sad. Weep, cry, wail, flail. Do whatever you need to do to be present with your feelings and then take a rest. Nap. Sleep. Read. Listen to music. Take a day or three to do absolutely nothing. Hide under the covers. Retreat into your cave. Walk slowly and gently. Be conscious of your breathing and slow it down. Close your eyes and just listen to the quiet of the universe. Meditate. Pray. Be simple with your meals. No one expects you to be Martha Stewart. Say no to invitations. Don’t buy into the shoulds of holidays. Skip the decorations and the pressure.

And more than any of this – be gentle with yourself. Cease from judging your feelings and just accept them as they are. Don’t condemn yourself for your sensitivity – celebrate it. Hold yourself in gently fierce loving care when you feel like you are falling apart. Be compassionate with yourself when you break down or shut down or dissociate. Don’t measure your day by how you are feeling. If it takes you 3 days or a week to get through a trigger response, then that’s exactly what you needed. Celebrate your willingness to give yourself exactly what you need.

Journeying through the collapse of an empire is an experience like no other. As it’s been several hundred years since the most recent collapse of western civilization, we’re entitled to feel burdened and overwhelmed. We also know from the past that it is not the loud or the brave who survived, but those who knew how to move quietly, slowly, even invisibly, and who more than anything, knew how to be loving toward themselves, gentle and caring toward others. Let this be our invitation as we navigate the death throes – that our gentleness be our salvation.

The Things We Cling To

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

The journey toward self-actualization, enlightenment, individuation, and personal mastery (all words meaning essentially the same thing) is rough. In our western, capitalistic culture in which personal development has been commoditized, we’ve been told to expect unicorns and rainbows, when instead, we are faced with hellfire and brimstone. Personal mastery is not for the faint of heart. Neither is it for the weak. Instead, it requires persistence, discipline, and the willingness to confront and lay down every attachment and mask that hides us from our true selves.

Our true self is LOVE. Period.

Another way of describing the journey is the transformation of every single thing within us that has forgotten we are love. In doing so, we are simultaneously remembering how to love ourselves for all that we are – warts and all.

Self-actualization is not about perfection. Instead, it is about becoming increasingly aware of our human frailty and loving even that.

In coming to recognize, acknowledge, accept and love our imperfect perfection, we are invited to identify and release all the things we cling to that stand in the way of radical self-love. Much of what we cling to has been beaten into us by our culture. Some have surfaced out of past woundings. Many emerge out of trauma. Others we cling to simply because we are human. Here is my list of the things we cling to that are often the most difficult to release:

  • The desire to belong.
  • The need for approval from others.
  • The longing to be seen.
  • The yearning to be heard.
  • The need to be right.
  • The desire to know.
  • The need to be in control.
  • The yearning to be desired.
  • The habits, patterns, behaviors, status to which we have become familiar.
  • The illusion of success.
  • Conditioned beliefs about value and achievement.
  • Our health.
  • Life.

The truth of the human experience is that everything is temporary and nothing can be controlled. We are not here to make other people happy. Neither are we here to gain other people’s approval. Belonging is an illusion, and it is only the false self that needs to be seen, heard, or loved. Our value is not dependent on any one else’s definition or rules of measurement.

We have value, and are loved, simply because we are. When we remember the Love that we are, and release these attachments, only then are we free enough to love ourselves for all that we are, and to see that love in others – no matter how broken we or the other might appear.

Releasing the things we cling to most stubbornly brings us into the field of personal mastery. There might not be unicorns or rainbows here, but there is true and enduring freedom.

Tools for Releasing Attachments

Ugh!

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

For the thirty-or-so of you who continue to read my articles, thank you for your patience these past few weeks. In short – this care-giver is all cared out! I know in this I’m not alone.

The past several weeks have been heavy with intensity, anxiety, and dare I say, INSANITY. When I think things just can’t get worse in our world another shoe drops.  Just when I pray, “surely this is the tipping point that will bring the whole house of cards down upon itself,” it is not. It seems instead of wholesale collapse, the empire is dying one mortar chip at a time.

And we are all exhausted from the waiting and weighting. It is heavy work to be a visionary, prophet, lightworker, healer, starborne, starseed, and carer when the only paradigm we have ever known is coming to it’s self-created violent ending. Moreso even than the system itself, we have been bearing, upholding, and supporting those who are finding themselves anxious, frantic, nervous, and worried in the face of a collapse about which they may not even be aware. We have been a source of support for others while desperately trying to be support for ourselves.

For the past several weeks, I have found myself in complete survival mode. Between a world in collapse and some new (not really) health issues that have surfaced, it’s all I can do to get out of bed in the morning – not because I’m depressed – because I am bone weary and soul tired. On my good days, I’m honored when people seek me out for support. On my bad days, I’m sick to death of other people’s shit. (Not everyone’s shit….just those unwilling to tend to their own work.)

Does this make me a bad person? No, it just means I’m tired and as usual, excruciatingly human.

Humans exhaust me. When I’m tired, unwell, impatient, frustrated, and fumbling, I exhaust myself. Again, I know I’m not alone in this. I likely exhaust others. (ha ha).  But seriously, so many who reach out to me speak of their own disgust with themselves.

When the world is turning itself inside out, we can no longer survive as the person we once thought of ourselves as being. As the masks behind which the human-made world are falling away and the evil behind it all is being revealed, our masks also must fall. The masks I have worn are those of perfectionist, good-girl, straight A student, achiever, hard worker, honest, strong, brave, courageous, fiercely independent, and generously loving. Behind these masks, I am these things, but not always. I too am vulnerable, anxious, terrified, jealous, petty, unforgiving, harsh, and the deceit I indulge is that of people pleaser.  “I’m fine,” is a bold-faced lie and while I have love of all humanity, I sometimes wish a violent death upon those I call my enemies – or at the very least – a heaping portion of karmic retribution.

As the world has been collapsing and masks have been torn away, so too have we been forced to admit the full truth of who we are. We can no longer hide behind the expectations of a capitalistic patriarchal society.  Neither can we live under the burden of the driving, striving, and blind ambition favored by our world.

We must live our truth – or die. “Just hanging on” is no longer enough. Instead, we are invited to LET IT ALL GO. Quit trying to fit in. Quit lying to ourselves. Quit trying to be strong. Quit trying to help or care for those unwilling to help themselves. Quit forcing ourselves to take action where no action is needed and where our gifts have been denied. Quit denying the reality of aging and the physical consequences of illness.  Instead, we’re invited to embrace them. (Hollywood, Instagram, etc. beauty standards are simply another part of a world that is dying. Have you seen what is happening to Hollywood actresses? So many of them now look like corpses.  Gross!) Quit pretending we are well when we are not. Quit “faking it to make it.”

And more than anything else:  DARE to love yourself enough to choose what is life-giving for you, even/especially when what is best is to sleep.

And finally, DO NOT forget that if you are one who sees and believes in the hope of a new world, this new world is being born through you. As such, your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies are hard at work growing and getting ready to birth that new world. Be gentle and loving toward yourself as you would be with a brand new babe. In this birthing, we are fragile and vulnerable. Treat yourself as such!

With love,

Lauri