anxiety

She Said the Thing

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

The truth of chronic illness

This past week, I had what I thought was going to be a routine session with my acupuncturist and Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner. It ended up everything but routine as that morning ended up being “one of my bad days” with unexpected and anxiety provoking symptoms. The acupuncture treatment helped ease the symptoms and Megan gave me instructions to follow up with my primary care doctor “just in case” there is more that needs to be explored. (My primary care and I are currently exploring a possible thyroid issue.)

It wasn’t this that made this week’s session remarkable, however, it was the thing Megan said. I’m not going to be able to repeat it verbatim but it was the exact acknowledgement that I needed to hear. In her compassionate seeing, Megan recognized the very real fact that most of the time, I feel like shit. Following that up with the masking that I do to make it through each day despite feeling like shit. I took Megan’s hand in mine and through tears, thanked her for SEEING ME.

Because this is the reality, I do feel like shit pretty much every day. Between Epstein-Barr, permanent vestibular neuritis, panic attack disorder, being a highly sensitive person, neurodivergent, and having polycystic kidney disease, my baseline is somewhere around 50-60%.  I’m tired and cold all the time. I’m always suffering some version of mild vertigo (giddiness). My chronic headaches have been better, but as I write I’m on day 6 of a constant dull ache. I’m on all the medications to manage my kidney disease, and every one comes with their own set of side effects. Ugh.

I don’t write this in search of pity. I share this to reveal the whole truth about chronic illness and to point out that we live in a world that has no real support for the chronically ill. Instead, we’re forced to put on a happy face, go out into the world, work to earn money to pay our bills, grocery shop, exercise, stay fit, eat right, and not complain about the fact that while we are doing all these things to make it in this world, we often feel like complete shit. Pushing through the pain, fatigue, etc. then just makes us feel worse.

The chronically ill are invisible in our world; and yet we make up 60-90% of the American population. This means that every day, 60-90% of the people we encounter are feeling like complete shit while trying to complete the tasks required of them in a capitalistic culture. Other than disability income (which very few qualify for), there are no safety nets. Zero. Zilch. Nadda.

I can’t speak for others who suffer with chronic illness, but for me, I’ve carved out a way to make a living that (somewhat) accommodates for my vulnerabilities. At the same time, it is a constant effort to show up for work. I’m fortunate to have clients who understand if I have to miss a day or reschedule.  Making this choice, however, costs me in real US dollars so I reserve that right only on my worst days. Often I show up even when feeling like I really just need to stay home and do nothing or sleep. I’m also grateful for the unexpected and often miraculous ways that financial support shows up, allowing me to be more gentle, compassionate, and caring toward my fragile body.

And today, I’m especially grateful to Megan Bartelt, L.Ac. Dipl. Ac. for through her words, I am finally feeling seen. 

Rising Above the Chaos

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

As the world as we know it continues in its collapse, there are bound to be times of unbridled chaos:

  • Chaos created by those who stand to lose power.
  • Chaos manifesting as distractions, impulsive actions, and irrational and rash decisions.
  • Chaos instigated as an attempt to control a narrative.
  • Chaos created in the hopes of causing confusion.
  • Chaos as the reaction to above-mentioned chaos by those unable or unwilling to acknowledge their own anxiety and sense of unease in the face of said-chaos.
  • Chaos in the irrational anger, frustration, and impatience that arises in the face of unacknowledged and unmanaged fear.

Human-created chaos and human-reactions to chaos, most simply, are symptoms of the death throes of a world imploding. When the life we have known approaches its end, humans’ initial tendency is to cling to what has been, and that clinging most often manifests in rash attempts to manipulate and control their own dying.

Death, however, cannot be controlled. When a way of being has lived out its usefulness, it comes to a natural end. Nothing can stop it. Neither should one try.

In the face of a dying, however, humans are rarely rational. This is especially true in those who do not know how to acknowledge or manage the natural fears that arise in the face of endings. This unacknowledged and unmanaged anxiety comes out sideways in angry, rash, impulsive, and often irrational actions. These actions can be enormously obvious such as deploying military troops “to help eliminate crime” in areas where crime has already been effectively managed, or as subtle as rudeness or road rage.

No one is immune to the natural fear of endings. We have two choices in the face of these fears: allowing the collective chaos to sweep us away in a storm of our own anxiety and worry, thereby triggering our own responses to fear; or acknowledging the anxiety that we are feeling and employing the tools and resources we have for mitigating and managing fear.

Tools for managing the fears we naturally experience in the face of a dying world (as we know it) include: medication, meditation, movement, music, mindfulness and mindful actions and activities. Mindful activities can include anything from cooking to gardening, hiking, exercise, making love, and more. Really, anything that allows us to rise above, or move beneath the chaos of a world in its death throes works. It doesn’t matter what form our practice takes. What matters is it allows us to be present with our anxiety and move through it so we are no longer a prisoner of our own anxiety, or vulnerable to the fear-driven actions of others; but instead, we are peaceful, content, and safe as the world around us goes up in flames.

How are you rising above or moving below the chaos to find your own place of comfort and safety?

The Fallacy of Certainty

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

The topic of certainty came up with my daughter the other day as we were sharing news of an acquaintance who had recently joined a certain church. We were both somewhat amazed that a person of intelligence, reason, and critical thinking would enthusiastically embrace a religion that espouses a very narrow interpretation of … well … everything. As my forever wise daughter observed, “Well, trauma will do that.” Indeed.

For me, trauma has had the opposite effect. Instead of seeking after certainty, I run from anything that seems to be promising certainty. Why? Because life has shown me that other than death, absolutely nothing is certain. But then I wonder, is my response due to trauma, or simply the accumulated observations of sixty years?

Some of the life experiences that showed me the falsehood of certainty proved to be traumatic. By and large, however, uncertainty seems to simply be the truth of life. Anyone that would suggest otherwise is either still clinging to an illusion of certainty, or just plain lying.

In life, nothing is certain. We don’t know if we’ll be born, how long we’ll live, from what we will be safe (hunger, disease, poverty, etc.), or when we’ll die. We don’t know where our life path will lead us and we cannot predict, once on a path, if or how we’ll reach its destination – if ever, or if along the way the path might change or simply fall away. Or maybe we reach the hoped-for destination, and it blows up in our face.

Life is funny that way. A whole lot of unknowns with only one truly predictable outcome:

DEATH

No matter how our lives unfold, death is the final destination. It is the only outcome that is certain. The rest is up for grabs. Everyone knows this. And yet……and yet…..everywhere we look there is someone trying to convince us that they have the key to certainty. Religion that claims to be the sole purveyor of truth. Spiritualists who claim to have a monopoly on the afterlife. Gurus who will gladly take your money for the magical blessing that will ensure enlightenment. Healers who claim to own the trademark to what will save you from dying. Physicians who have the remedies to, if not save your life, at least delay your dying. Politicians who make empty promises about a hopeful future. Coaches to shower their athletes with empty dreams of a professional career. Universities who promise an abundance of fulfillment and wealth after completing a course of study. Life-coaches who also claim to hold the keys to fulfilment and wealth. Authors who promise a formula for manifesting what you want, or “calling in the one.”

All of these are pandering to and profiting from humanity’s insecurities and fears – specifically the fear of the unknown – what we might alternatively call “the fear of life itself.”

Life itself is terrifying. It’s unpredictable. Unstable. Often unsafe. We experience suffering and the pain of betrayal. We know the deep grief of loss. We suffer disappointment. We are the witnesses of violence and death.

We know this about life, and yet we persist. The human instinct for survival is STRONG. But so is our tendency toward denial. We don’t like the anxiety and fear that uncertainty brings, so we  look for anything and everything that might promise otherwise. We look for the perfect job, the magic pill, the charismatic teacher, the soulmate, the book, the coach, the healer……or the mountain we are willing to die on, that gives us the promise of certainty and we embrace it enthusiastically, even bringing our friends and family along for the ride. In one way or another we are all guilty of this.  And yet, every single time, that which promises certainty eventually proves itself wrong and we find ourselves staring down the barrel of uncertainty.

This is just part of being human and having a human experience. We are not, however, doomed to this endless cycle of uncertainty, false hope, and disappointment. Instead of seeking after certainty, we can simply accept that life is – uncertain. Once we accept this truth, and learn to be with the anxiety of uncertainty, we can flow through life from a place of contentment and ease. This doesn’t mean we won’t experience anxiety or fear, but we will have the tools to move through the anxiety and return to a place of equanimity where we can simply enjoy where we are in this moment and appreciate the wonder and beauty that life brings despite all of its uncertainty.

Here: With and For You

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I spent yesterday with two of my besties. Over coffee, lunch, and a long walk, we chatted about each other’s lives, as friends will do. The greater part of the conversation, however, was around the events that are currently playing out in our world. Most pointedly, the transfer of power in American governance. The unanimous feelings were anxiety mixed with dread – not, as one might expect because of the individual coming into power – but because one can never know exactly what this individual might actually do. Words might say one thing. Actions might prove otherwise.

We are worried and anxious. Not just because of the transfer of power, but because of all that is unfolding at the hands of the human species. We are standing at a crossroads as a species and if you’re not anxious then you are either part of the problem, or not paying attention.

Never, it seems, have we been bombarded by so much chaos, uncertainty, anxiety, and dread. Nothing is as it once was.  Once-treasured institutions are collapsing. The world is either at-war or burning. We’ve been made to see the true corruption and evils hiding behind the masks of those individuals and institutions we once held as sacred.

For many, this constant bombardment has left us feeling emotionally and mentally as if we have suffered through a war. For those who are currently suffering through war, the impact is far greater.

The world as we have known it IS COLLAPSING, and we are being forced to bear witness to the collapse. We are made to experience the chaos and fear of collapse. The collapsing is ongoing and relentless, and we are left wondering, “what if any of this will remain?”

Perhaps nothing. Maybe not even ourselves. The reality of this brings us face to face with our own mortality and the possibility of death.

We are all suffering through the dying of what we have known. BUT, you need not do this journey alone. I am here – with you and for you. For sixty years I have been cultivating the resources and tools to restore myself to peace and resolve when the anxieties of the world become too great. If I can do this for myself, I can do this for you. Whether you are in need of a listening ear, or tools that you can use yourself to make it through this dying, I am here for you.

All you need to do is reach out. If you have my cell number, text me.  Otherwise, my email is lauri@lauriannlumby.com.  I am here as a source of support. We can meet one-on-one in my home, over the phone or via ZOOM. Wherever and however you are, DO NOT weather this journey alone. You have support. I am here with and for you.

With love,

Lauri

The Practice of Non-Interference

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

The world is ruled by letting things take their course.

It cannot be ruled by interfering

(Tao Te Ching Verse 48)

  • The wildfires in California.
  • The genocide in Sudan.
  • The destruction of Gaza and Syria
  • The war in Ukraine
  • The aftermath of Hurricane Helene

These are just a few of the devastatingly destructive experiences that are in the forefront of our minds – all in some way brought about by the actions of human beings. We pray for those affected. We hold them in our thoughts. We wish, and hope, and plead for things to change so that the world might live in peace and humans might be safe from other people’s actions.

When we have the resources and the opportunity and it is within our power to do so, we take action – like my friends with The Beacon Network who have been boots on the ground providing help and support to those areas impacted by Hurricane Helene. Most of the time, and in most cases, however, there is literally nothing we can do. All we can do is stand back and watch these events unfold and perhaps grieve for those affected and hope these devastating experiences never come our way.

Grieving, and hoping, however, do nothing to ease the anxiety we feel over the suffering of others. Whether our anxiety is fear over the possibility that these kinds of events might find their way to us, or empathetic concern for those harmed, the impact is the same. We experience fear, unrest, worry, concern, and maybe even panic. In an attempt to calm our anxiety, we ruminate about all the ways we might protect ourselves from such disasters, how we might help those who have been harmed, we fixate on the terror that those who are facing these horrific events might be feeling. Again, none of this calms our anxiety. In fact, it likely makes it worse.

Fixating on the devastation others are experiencing or creating for themselves helps no one – lease of all ourselves, most of all those affected. All this misplaced worry does is cause us harm and prevents us from being present to what is around us and within our field of influence or control.

We cannot fix it. We cannot solve it. We could have done nothing to prevent it. We cannot save humanity from the devastation brought about by their own actions. As is true each and every day, the only one we can truly save is ourselves – and even that is debatable (when it is our time, it is our time, period!).

Soooooooooo, what do we do when humanity is destroying itself and the world along with them? We get out of the way.

I know!  I know!  I can hear the collective gasp, “How can we just stand back and watch the world go up in flame?”

This is where the wisdom of the ancients provides us some guidance and support:

From Ecclesiastes (3: 1-8):

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

From Jesus (MT 6: 25-27):

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

From HH the Dalai Lama:

“If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can’t be solved, worrying will do no good.”

From the Quran (Surah Al-Imran Ayat 173):

“Sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs.”

From the Tao Te Ching (vs 48):

In the pursuit of Tao, every day something is dropped.

Less and less is done

Until non-action is achieved.

When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.

The world is ruled by letting things take their course.

It cannot be ruled by interfering.

In short, the wisdom teachers know through their own personal experience that the closer one draws to Source (God, Tao, Presence, Truth, Love, etc.), the more we are able to meet the reality of the human experience from a place of equanimity. We are able to ride the joy, the sorrow, the celebration, and tragedy without getting caught up in any of it. In the face of tragedy, especially, we experience our initial human and empathetic reaction (anxiety, fear, worry), but we are then able to walk ourselves back and see the tragedy through the wider lens of the human experience and recognize that this too serves a higher purpose. Maybe the tragedy begins to wake people up. Perhaps it calls them into action. Maybe it invites them to make a change in their own life. Or quite possibly, they see it as something over which they have no influence or control, so they are able to let it go and experience the restoration of peace.

As human beings, survival is our first instinct, so it is natural to feel anxiety or worry in the face of devastation. Equally is it natural for our instinctual response to drive us to seek out ways to keep ourselves safe. It is wisdom, however, that allows us to move beyond those initial instinctual reactions and ask ourselves over what we actually have influence or control. If nothing, then the invitation is to let it go, trusting the natural unfolding of the human experience while turning back to ourselves which in truth is the only place we can actually know peace.

Into the Wilderness provides a process and protocol to support you in cultivating inner peace, non-attachment, and to heal from the conditioning that drives us to try to interfere in those things that are actually outside of our control.

  • Online course
  • At your own pace
  • Pay what you are able.
Learn more HERE.

Seeking Safety in a World Gone Mad

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 3 Comments

A couple side notes before I begin: 1) I realize my sense of feeling unsafe is NOTHING compared to those struggling to live in war zones or areas plagued by famine. 2) As a white, (somewhat) middle class American, by objective standards I’m safer than 90% of the people on the planet. 3) I have what I need to survive and for this I’m grateful. 4) This is for the empaths, who like me, get inexplicably panicky for no apparent reason except the state of our world. Now….I will proceed.

There’s a reason I don’t leave my home unless I absolutely have to. Yesterday I was reminded of this fact.

I was enjoying a cup of coffee at one of my normally safe places with dear friends. We were having a beautiful conversation when I noticed a white, older man, sitting alone at a table. He was wearing a MAGA hat (I have no problem with conservative values and “the party of Lincoln” Republicans…but this was something different). The hat, I could normally ignore. It was his t-shirt that I found disturbing. Across the front of his shirt was a message that said, “Traitors should be executed.” Below the message were portraits of President Biden, Vice President Harris, and Senator Ocasio-Cortez.  His shirt literally advocated for vigilante violence against these specific individuals!

Now here’s the deal – I saw him. I made note of his shirt. I could tell he was making other people nervous. I’m not sure if he was hoping to be confronted (in an obviously progressive setting) or just wanted to make a statement. He wasn’t there to do business as he was drinking from a single-serving bottle of wine he had stashed in his backpack. I didn’t have any specific feelings of fear, or even judgment of him. Instead, I felt sad.  I wondered what had happened to him in his life to cloak himself in such hate. Again, I didn’t really feel afraid, just sad.

That all changed as I left, however. As I walked out the door and to my car, I was suddenly overcome with panic. My heart started pounding, I felt dizzy and light headed. I could feel the edge of a panic attack. I got myself home, did some deep breathing, and eventually gave in and took a small dose of Lorazepam for anxiety.

Welcome to the life of an empath. Here I am, minding my own business, enjoying time with friends at my favorite place, not feeling a stitch of panic or anxiety of my own. But suddenly WHAM, I get blasted with what might have been my own delayed anxiety, but was definitely the anxiety of others, including that man. I was especially concerned for the employees of said-establishment who I could tell were nervous, and who could have potentially been targets for a certain kind of prejudice.

If you are an empath, you are familiar with these kinds of experiences. (I actually think all human beings are empathic – it’s just some who are acutely aware). Based on the SOS texts I’ve been getting and my own personal experiences, these empathic experiences are increasing in frequency, duration, and strength as we approach the US presidential election – and they’re only going to get worse.

I don’t like to entertain fear or wish to stir panic, but I suspect that there will be violence related to the election – no matter who wins. It may be sometime before a winner is declared. If it goes a certain way, the transfer of power is not likely to be peaceful.

In other words, we can expect a whole lot more anxiety before this is all over – our own, and that of anyone else who is paying attention. We are at a crossroads for our nation and crossroads are dangerous places where deals with the devil are made. Crossroads often inspire violence. Crossroads can be terrifying times.

It is for this reason, that for healers, light and shadow workers, starseeds, empaths, and anyone else who is here to be love in the world – our number one concern at this time is our own safety and the safety of those we care for the most. We each have our own tools – USE THEM.

  • Create a safe place for yourself.
  • Meditate and Pray.
  • Wrap yourself in protective prayers, amulets, oils, flower essences, colors, etc.
  • Invoke the archangels, your ancestors, your favorite deities.
  • Light candles.
  • Cleanse and smudge yourself and your space regularly.

And most of all – DO NOT engage. Don’t engage with hate. There is nothing we can do to convince another of anything they don’t want to believe. No amount of facts or data will change the mind of one constricted by racism, sexism, etc. Hate will continue to hate. Our task is instead, to be LOVE.

The truth is that in this election, things may not go the way we want. That bridge we’ll cross when we get there.  In the meantime, keep yourself safe.  Gather your loved ones close. Know who you can turn to if you find yourself overwhelmed by the fear and REACH OUT. If faced with hate, be and respond with love.

The Effects of Trauma

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Trauma is weird. Trauma is weird because we don’t always know we’re experiencing trauma until its effects accumulate and begin to come out sideways. Trauma is also weird because every person experiences trauma differently.  Some traumas are obvious and expected, others are not. If you are in a war zone and having to deal with constant life-threatening situations, you would expect that you might experience some adverse effects from that trauma. Some people, however, seemingly don’t. If you are in a physically abusive marriage or suffered sexual assault, you would expect to suffer the effects of these traumas. One does not necessarily expect disappointment, heartbreak, loss, or betrayal to be experienced as trauma – but for some they are.

Trauma is weird. My trauma is not from war or physical abuse. What I can now identify as the traumas that eventually led to a diagnosis of CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), I did not necessarily think of them as traumatic at the time. I’m a strong, independent woman and that’s how I got through those traumas – truly by sheer force of will and stubbornness – mixed in with a good dose of resentment. I made myself survive.  I forced myself to weather the storm. I pushed myself through it all – never attending to the deep heartbreak I was feeling because at the time I was just trying not to collapse under the weight of it all.

Well….eventually that all caught up to me. All that forcing did was push the trauma deeper and deeper into my psyche where it built up and accumulated until it started coming out in symptoms of depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, and eventually full-blown and traumatic panic attacks. I’m also convinced that all of this pent up trauma is what made me vulnerable to the bizarre ear infection that permanently damaged my vestibular nerve – causing my now ongoing issues with vertigo, etc. which now prevents me from driving any distance without great effort and no longer allows me to drive on the freeway – dramatically hindering my previously taken for granted freedom of mobility.

Trauma is weird. I have tried to explain my trauma in the past and to those listening, it just doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t really make sense to me either. I can point to the situations, experiences, individuals and say – “it’s their fault.” But really, my trauma is less about fault and more about cause. The cause, if I’m truly honest with myself, was LOVE, and the trauma that one experiences when that love is betrayed.

That’s it in a nutshell. Every trauma I’ve experienced has ultimately been about the betrayal of love.

The easiest for me to speak about is my ecclesial trauma because in this case, there are no innocent bystanders who might be hurt by my words. I feel perhaps I’ve written of this ad nauseum, but in a nutshell – I once passionately and deeply loved the Church and the mission of Love I embraced on their behalf. I found my calling in the Church. I was enthusiastically supported in that calling, both financially and otherwise by the Church. I had planned to continue my formation and advancement in Church ministry as far as would be allowed for a woman. Then I wasn’t. All because I took Jesus’ call to Love seriously and accepted that call to heal and teach. It’s a long stupid story and on the outside to call this trauma might seem trite, but I can honestly attest that leaving the Church was harder for me than divorce and the trauma I suffered that ultimately led to my leaving is the greatest heartbreak I have ever experienced. My Church turned its back on me. If you understand the nature of spiritual abuse, you get it.

The other traumas I will continue to hold close to my heart. Suffice it to say, all were deep and indelible betrayals of love. When trauma is a result of betrayal, it becomes personal – and that’s a whole different kind of trauma – which is why it’s so difficult to describe and even more challenging to explain. It’s not as a result of a hit, a punch, or war, it because of a broken heart.  

No matter the cause of the trauma, the effects are mostly the same: anxiety, depression, panic attacks, chronic illness, hypervigilance, memory issues, situational avoidance, disassociation, feelings of overwhelm and cognitive impairment, auditory and visual processing disorders, chronic pain, and so much more. There are medications and therapies that help mitigate the effects of trauma, but in my experience, the effects never fully go away and are always lying in wait to rear their ugly head again – like recently. For whatever reason, my trauma decided to rear its ugly head causing ongoing increased anxiety and breakthrough panic. Whatever I had been doing proved to be no longer enough so now I’m (by doctor’s orders) taking a break from external stimuli, adjusting to an increase in medication, and looking at what other lifestyle changes or adaptations I need to take to continue to care for my trauma-affected mind, spirit, and body.

As an aside, I’m profoundly grateful to my employer who allows for accommodations so that I can continue to work and make a living. AND there are not enough supports in our system for people who have suffered the effects of trauma. For many, work is literally impossible and for the majority, there are not enough accommodations available to help them be part of providing for their basic needs without doing further damage to themselves. If my nervous system had its way, I’d be living in a cabin deep in the woods and all my needs would be provided for so I could just take care of myself, living as gently and quietly and softly as I need. Just sayin!

The Burden of Other People’s Shame

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

We live in a world that is psychologically and emotionally underdeveloped. As a result, we are continually living under the burden of other people’s unhealed wounds, unacknowledged fears, anxiety, or shame.

We are globally conditioned to accept the projections of other people’s wounds as our own, often resulting in feelings of guilt or shame for things that are not even ours to carry.

We are so conditioned by these patterns of projected blame that as I write these words, the majority of those reading might have no idea about what I’m speaking. Let me put it plainly:

When we suppress, repress, or ignore our own unacknowledged fears, anxiety, or shame, and when we deny our past wounds and trauma without doing the work of healing them, they are bound to come out sideways in actions and behaviors that are harmful to ourselves, and others, and sometimes both.

Let me provide an example of this pattern of projected blame of which I have been guilty in the past:

As a divorced mother of two, finances have often been tight. As a result, I have suffered anxiety around money. Afraid there wouldn’t be enough to pay our bills, and anxious about unexpected expenses or (not unreasonable) requests from my kids. In the early years after divorce, I often found myself snapping at my kids when they would ask for money for essential and non-essential needs, or complaining about back to school shopping and all the added expenses that came up that time of year. It wasn’t my kids’ fault that money was tight or that I was anxious about money, but I’m certain that it is possible that my reactions to expenses a) caused them to feel guilty b) may have instilled anxiety about money in them. ☹ Eventually, I caught my actions, but the damages had already been done. (Sorry M and W!) I continue to have anxiety around money and guilt when I spend money, but at least I can acknowledge it and no longer project blame over my own fear onto other innocent parties.

This is just one simple example of how we, as humans, project blame, guilt, shame, anxiety, on to other innocent parties, instead of taking the time to identify our own wounds, acknowledge them, cease from making them someone else’s fault, and do the deep inner work of healing them so that we are a) no longer doing harm to ourselves and b) no longer doing harm to others.

I’m convinced that these unacknowledged fears, shame, guilt, past traumas, etc. are the cause of every single conflict in our world, from the simplest misunderstanding between friends to the global catastrophes of war.

As it relates to war, here’s another easy example. The holocaust of World War II was wholly a result of Hitler’s Germany needing a scapegoat from the traumas of WWI. The easy scapegoat was a race of people that unwittingly became the projection of these unhealed wounds. 6 million people were violently imprisoned and killed because of these projected wounds. One race of people made to carry the blame for another group of people’s shame, grief, fear, etc. Fast forward to today, and the recipients of that projection (Benjamin Netanyahu and his followers) are now projecting their own unhealed wounds by enacting their own holocaust against the Palestinians.

Unhealed wounds of shame, guilt, anxiety, trauma, etc. projected outward simply create more of the same. Wound begets wound. Shame begets shame. Hatred fosters hatred. Unhealed trauma is likely to cause trauma to another.

Let me make this really personal by asking a few questions:

  • When have other people blamed you for their anger, impatience, frustration, etc., saying that it is somehow YOUR fault that they are feeling that way?
  • How often have you been blamed for other people’s failures?
  • When have you been made to feel ashamed for who you are and/or who you want to be?
  • When has another tried to make you the cause of their unhappiness, sense of lack, inability to be successful or to perform?
  • When did you then find yourself reacting by trying to make the other party happy, take over a task for them, rush over to ease their anger, etc.?

The truth is none of this was ever your fault. Instead, it was the other party’s inability to acknowledge and take responsibility for their own SHIT.

The conflicts between human beings will never be resolved until we begin to take responsibility for our own shame, unhealed wounds, etc. and stop making it everyone else’s problem. While we cannot control what other people (or nations) might do, we can begin this healing by taking responsibility for ourselves and we can start that work today.

We can also stop taking responsibility for other people’s blame.

Spiritual Warfare

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

Yesterday started like any other day. I woke up at the end of deep, multi-dimensional dreaming. I was tired and a little worn, but I got about my day. Did my morning practice. Had breakfast. Answered a few emails. Went to yoga class. Picked up a prescription at Walgreens. Had a ZOOM meeting with a potential collaborator. Had lunch…

THEN…IT…HIT…ME

A steel wall of SOMETHING. The something felt like exhaustion and anxiety, pressure, weight and dread. I felt like I could pass right out standing. I tried to take a nap and found I could not. I took my afternoon coffee and read for a little then my soul screamed “Dairy Queen.” I grabbed my purse and head outside and again got hit by a steel wall of SOMETHING. I could barely see. The sun was too bright and too strong. I felt sick, nauseous, anxious, and afraid. I muscled a drive to Dairy Queen to get an Oreo Cookie Blizzard (why….by the way are medium Blizzards almost $6.00 when just a couple years ago they were $3.00?????). I came home and enjoyed my Blizzard (chocolate IS a remedy against dementors) while my body was quaking with SOMETHING. The anxiety was palpable and overwhelming and IT WASN’T MINE!  My whole body felt ill and like it was under attack.

Then came the call, “You doing ok?  I’m struggling. Ears ringing non stop. Disoriented and feeling like I’m under water. Literally gasping for air. Trying not to die. Holding space for you (protection from the evil eye symbol).”

OMG!  It’s not just me! Another spiritual warrior reached out to say, “Some major shit is going down and we’re being called to the front. Going into prayer.”

I thanked my friend.  Said “ditto.” Then I did the same. I went deep into prayer, sending healing and peace to whatever that SOMETHING is/was.

This is what it looks like to be called to spiritual warfare (for lack of a better word). Any day at any time something visible or invisible is happening in the world that calls us “to arms.” Our arms are not guns or bombs.  Instead, our arms are prayer and the healing balm of Love that resides within each of us that is called forth whenever collective healing is needed in our world. It’s intense work and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I’m glad to do it – as if I ever had a choice!  God is funny that way.

Why Bother?

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

examining the blurred line between surrender and depression

This title, Why Bother, even describes how I’m feeling in this moment as I attempt to put these thoughts in writing. On one hand I’m sick to death of my own inner voice. On the other hand, I know I have friends, colleagues, clients and students who might share these sentiments. Is this just what happens as we approach our sixties or is there something more afoot?

In short (who am I kidding, I’m never short with my words), I have arrived at a place in my life where daily I’m faced with the question, “Why Bother?” while also acknowledging a deep sense of letting go combined with an even deeper sense of surrendering to what is (or what seems to be). Some might call it acceptance. Others might accuse me of being depressed. Yes? No? Maybe so? Does it even matter what we call it when it just simply is?

For the vast majority of my almost sixty years, I have worked my butt off!  As a child, I pursued academics with two specific goals in mind: to become class valedictorian and to get into the college of my choice where I would pursue Engineering just like my dad. In the end, I achieved neither, but I worked hard in pursuit of those goals. In college I did the same. I worked hard, studied, hard, all with an end-goal in mind – get a good job that makes lots of money. Again, none of these goals panned out, but not for lack of trying.

Somewhere around 1994, I experienced a profound change of direction and found myself called into what I believed to be my life purpose and mission. I pushed myself in my studies. I developed opportunities to put my learning into actions. I gained respect in my field and eventually landed a job that I planned to pursue to the highest rank possible for a woman working in the Church – Parish Director. As these goals began to bear fruit, the rug was violently pulled out from under me and I found myself again, on another path.

We plan and God laughs!

Before going on about career stuff, I must also acknowledge my marriage. I had a vision. I had goals. I worked my ever-loving ass off to make the impossible succeed. I did not fail -but the marriage did. Again, not for lack of trying!

Then there’s my kids – yeah – I won at that. No, it’s not a contest, but I can confidently acknowledge the role I played in supporting my children in being the absolute best versions of themselves as they could possibly be. No, I wasn’t perfect. I sometimes lost my temper. I occasionally yelled at my kids. My anxiety often got the best of me. I’m sure they are carrying around conditioned thoughts or behaviors influenced by my own unhealed wounds. BUT, I look at them today and I could not be more proud – of them, and myself for my attempts at loving them into being who they are today. In this I can say I succeeded.

Back to the career stuff – without boring you with the details about which I’m sick of speaking – I worked hard, really hard, at what I understood to be my mission and purpose, and worked even more vigorously at it after the Church rug got pulled out from beneath me. I pursued further education. I voraciously consumed books on personal development, grief, and shadow work, etc. all while building, promoting, and managing my own business offering resources and support for individual self-actualization.

  • I wrote and published books. Eleven to be exact.
  • I created and facilitated over 30 courses in personal development – both in-person and eventually online.
  • I worked with countless students and clients who felt called to pursue their own inner work.
  • I networked with and collaborated with other people in the field in support of our shared mutual growth.
  • I penned thousands of blog posts to support the visibility of my work and to educate and inspire readers.
  • I wrote for myself and was guest writer for many online and hard-copy publications.
  • I put SEO practice into my work.
  • I did what I was told to do by various so-called experts.
  • I gathered a strategic team to help support a necessary rebranding.
  • Speaking of rebranding – I’ve done that too many times to mention.
  • I believed in the promises offered to me by influential people in the field to “help make my business successful.”

Since 2003, I have done all this. I’m grateful for all those who received from the gifts I shared in the world. I acknowledge the benefit my sharing has been for many. I’m humbled by the relationships that have blossomed out of the simple act of me sharing myself in the world.

Yes, great good has come from thirty years of pursuit. And yet, I have nothing of a material nature to show for all my hard work. I have zero savings. No investments. I own nothing but my car and the contents of my apartment. To heap on additional frustration, as of 2020, my work, my passion, my mission, my business has all but died. Yes, there have been a few new students and clients popping up from time to time along with the return of those with whom I hadn’t work in years. But for the most part – not much to nothing has been happening.

At some point in the last several years, I have been forced to increasingly acknowledge that what I thought was my mission and purpose is over. It’s complete. Perhaps all I pursued was simply for my own sake and those clients and students were only along for the ride (as one of my Zen friends reminds, “We’re all just here in our own sit.”) I sometimes wonder if the search for and pursuit of meaning and purpose is simply an illusion that feeds our big fat egos.

But I’m really good at what I do/did.  There was a passion that drove me. My gifts became enlivened and additional gifts were discovered, cultivated, and shared. St. Paul says this is what we should be doing – using our own unique gifts in support of the mission of love. I’ve done all that.

And yet…..and yet…..what do we do when there is nothing left? No one coming forth to receive our gifts. No inspiration to create anything new. No energy or excitement about diving back in to try reviving that which is already dead.

I got nothing. I’m spent. I have nothing more inside of me to promote, advertise, or feed my business – and at this point I wonder, “Why bother?” I’ve done all I can. Perhaps it’s lived out its life and that life has come to an end. Maybe it’s time to hand the baton to the young ones who still have the energy to start a new life.

I do not. I’m done pushing that boulder up the hill only to have it roll back down over my own dying body. I’m tired. I’m spent. One some days I feel defeated, but mostly I feel resigned. In spite of all my efforts, nothing can reverse the direction of a dying tide. It is what it is. I did what I felt called to do. I ministered to those who found their way to me. I gave my best effort and brought my best self forth. Some enjoyed the benefits of my sharing. Others found their way to another path. Some gave up the work for reasons I can only guess. Some turned away because it was easier to blame me than to face their own demons and do the deep inner work of personal healing and transformation. And I was there for it all.

So what happens now? I have a part-time job that has its frustrations but at least it helps me to pay the bills. Beyond that, I’m not sure I care. Not because I’m depressed, but because if there is one thing I’ve learned in the 59+ year journey is that WE ARE NOT IN CHARGE! Some other force is driving the boat and we can either exhaust ourselves fighting against it or go along for the ride. At almost sixty, I’m choosing to go along for the ride because any other choice is futile. This is where the “Why bother” comes in. In going along for the ride (surrendering/accepting), there’s nothing left to do, only something to be. The something I choose to be is peaceful, living with ease, gently, lovingly, and with kindness toward myself and others – or as one friend recently shared: “There is nothing more to do other than to be that which cannot be seen,” which as it turns out might just be a fancy way of saying, “Why bother?”