boundaries

Pearls to Swine

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

“Do not give what is holy to the dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” (Mt 7:6)

It has been said that when we have a lesson to learn, we are continually given opportunities to learn it, until we finally get it. Can I be done with this lesson now, please?????

My entire life I have struggled with the issue of giving my “pearls to swine” – attempting to share my gifts, my knowledge, and my expertise with those who have no appreciation for, give no value to, or have even demonstrated contempt for my gifts. Every time I give into temptation and attempt to share my gifts with “swine,” it blows up in my face, The image that surfaces for me of what this “blowing up in my face” feels like is one of me giving a gift and the recipient crumpling it up and throwing it back in my face. (This literally happened to me once, so I know the origin of this image.)

This lesson is an intense struggle for me for several reasons:

  1. I want to share my gifts. I almost feel like I can’t help but try to share my gifts. It’s like there is a force within me that is compelled to openly share my gifts. In fact, I believe it is the nature of our gifts to want to be shared.
  2. We are taught that our gifts are meant to be shared – freely and without encumbrance.
  3. We were also taught that the purpose of our gifts is a) for the sake of our own fulfillment and b) for the betterment of humankind.

With all these forces at work, driving us to seek out, discover, nurture, cultivate and then share our gifts, what are we to do when people show us over and over and over that they have no interest in or use for our gifts, when they literally stomp on our gifts and throw them back in our face?

This is the answer I had been seeking when the words from Matthew’s gospel (above) appeared in my mind like a flashing billboard.

The easy answer is to STOP attempting to use, share, offer, my gifts to those who repeatedly refuse them. That’s just good boundaries (which brings to mind another scripture):

 “And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.” (Mt 10:14)

Boundaries are easier said than done when our gifts are bubbling over like a pressure cooker – longing, desiring, and compelled to be put to use. For me, I can’t just turn off my gifts. When I share my gifts and they are openly and gratefully received, I feel a sense of rightness.  There is a sense of reciprocity, and the feeling of a circuit being made complete. When my gifts are not received, or outright rejected, I feel the frustration of the circuit being incomplete, or (as in the case of rejection) as if the plug has been pulled right out of me. Depleted of energy, I collapse.

For me, this collapse is at once physical, emotional, and spiritual. I feel bereft, empty, forsaken, disappointed, even despairing. It would be easy to assume that this collapse is simply an emotional reaction to feeling rejected – like I’m taking it personally. Admittedly, there is a bit of that but not nearly as much as I had felt in the past. Instead, it feels more like the consequence of physics. As in the case of electrical energy, when the plug is pulled, preventing the energy (gifts) to reach its intended destination, the device simply stops working. When energy is prevented from reaching its destination, the energy builds up, pressure increases, and the device implodes upon itself.

I feel that this may be how it is with our gifts. Our gifts are meant to be activated. They are meant to be shared. They are meant to be received so the circuit might be complete. But there will always be those among us with whom we are compelled to share our gifts who are not interested in receiving them or who will wholeheartedly reject them.

Shake the dust off our feet and walk away? Stop trying to share our gifts? Sit on our hands and bite our tongues as the gift inside of us is trying to escape?

Yes. But what do we then do with the energy inside of us that seeks to be fulfilled? And what do we do with the very real sorrow that surfaces when we know our gifts would prove to be of benefit if only they could be received?

Honestly, I do not know. This is the quandary I’ve been sitting with and the prayer I have been offering up to the universe. It’s the prayer that has plagued me as I wonder where are those who are able to receive my gifts and how might I find them? I’ve grown exceedingly tired of swine.

A**HOLE

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Contrary to what some (perhaps many) might say, I’m NOT an asshole. Contrary to what I jokingly say about myself, I’m NOT an asshole. I only jokingly say that I’m an asshole as a way to protect myself from those who honestly believe I am (an asshole).

People say I’m an asshole when they don’t like certain things about me. When my actions or words make them uncomfortable or hold them accountable to their own behaviors. Here’s a list of what some (many?) don’t like about me:

  1. I know who I am. I know my gifts, and my challenges and I’m confident standing in either.
  2. I have a clearly defined sense of right and wrong. I uphold these values within myself and hold others to these same values. (A dear friend once said that I have more integrity than anyone he has ever known.)
  3. I am growing more comfortable in the fullness of my emotions. I can feel sorrow, anxiety, depression, despair, joy, excitement, and anger and am somewhat comfortable expressing these.
  4. I’m VERY passionate about certain things and I’m not afraid to express this passion.
  5. I have a deep desire for justice in our world and will freely speak out against injustices.
  6. I feel anger DEEPLY (or I might be confusing passion for anger). When I witness an injustice, when my needs are not being met, when someone deeply hurts me, I feel anger. I’m not very good at expressing anger (because “you’re a bad person if you are angry), so it usually gets turned inward into seething resentment. Then I become SILENT and withdrawn until I’ve had time to process that anger.
  7. I have exceptional boundaries. As an introverted empath who is highly sensitive to the energy of others, my boundaries have become even more iron clad.
  8. I hear and can see people’s thoughts. I can read their personal energy. I KNOW when someone is lying to me, trying to keep secrets, or trying to manipulate me. I want to ask of certain people I know who repeatedly try to hide things from me, “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE FOOLING?”
  9. I’m not afraid to cut people off who have been intentionally cruel to me, betrayed me, lied to me or tried to cheat me. This is equally true of those who purposefully and thoughtfully infringe on my boundaries. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than put up with other people’s morally questionable or needy behaviors.
  10. I don’t do needy. I will slam the door at the first sign of dependency’s tentacles. Bye!
  11. Perhaps related, I am independent, self-sufficient, and for most of my life, I have been the source of my own need-fulfillment. I fill my own cup. It’s not my job to fill yours. I might be able to support you in learning to fill your own cup, but I won’t fill it for you.
  12. I do not and will not enable others. My mission is to empower, not to feed our dying system of co-dependency.

For this and (perhaps many) other reasons, there are some in the world who think I’m an asshole. I’ve even said the same of myself, but I know that’s not really true.  If it is, it’s only because we live in culture that is profoundly arrested in its development that has no idea what to do with self-actualized humans except to condemn them. I’ve been condemned and I’ve survived this too. (another reason for people to hate me. 😊

When Our Light Attracts Darkness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

When we seek to live the path of Love our light draws others toward us like a moth is drawn to the flame. Some are attracted to us because they recognize in us something of their own truth. Perhaps we carry within us something that will help them to harness and live their own light. Maybe we have experience and knowledge that will help them with their own healing, growth, and empowerment. In these situations, the relationship that unfolds is reciprocal.  We have an opportunity to share our gifts and the other has an opportunity to be empowered in their own. In this sharing we find fulfillment and so do they. Light begets light.

Not only does our light attract light, but it also attracts darkness. Some of this darkness may simply be woundedness in others that has a potential to find healing through the sharing of our gifts. When the drawing of this darkness empowers the other to seek and receive healing and do the work of further supporting that healing on their own, the experience, as explored above, is reciprocal. We have an opportunity to share our gifts and the other is healed and empowered through that sharing. Here, light transforms the darkness, thereby unleashing the light. 

Not all darkness drawn to us seeks this kind of healing and empowerment, however. Instead, it is the kind of darkness that seeks to feed off our light. Parasitical in nature, this is the darkness that takes and gives nothing back. This is the darkness that seeks to be enabled and refuses to do its own inner work.  This is the darkness that doesn’t want to be healed because they are content in their misery, blind to their own darkness, or gaining advantage over others through their darkness. Perhaps they enjoy being cruel to others or thrive off the pain they cause others through their non-loving actions.

These are examples of darkness that seeks the light off of which it can feed.  In some cases, this darkness is jealous of the light, so it feigns friendship, pretending to be a source of support when instead it means to destroy. In other cases, the darkness seeks to take advantage of those of a kind and generous nature. Sometimes the darkness senses our own vulnerability and seeks their own ends by using these vulnerabilities against us. In some cases, this darkness has no substance of its own and hopes that by simple association they too will be cast in a better light.  This is the kind of darkness that takes our light and uses it for its own end. Instead of experiencing fulfillment in engaging with this darkness, we are depleted. We may find ourselves feeling despairing or depressed, exhausted or fatigued, even physically and emotionally ill.

We cannot help that our light draws others toward us. What we can help (to some degree) is what we let in. We will never be perfect in our ability to discern between those drawn to us who will find empowerment with us, and those who seek only to take. But for the sake of our own wellbeing, we must seek to know and understand the signs and symptoms of parasites so that we might refuse them. We must also learn and cultivate practices for freeing and healing ourselves from the presence of parasites when we discover we have unwittingly let them in.

Darkness will always find a way to our light. We decide whether to let it in or how long to allow it to remain.

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