co-dependency

Building Your Fortress of Peace

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

Because I have an overly active mind and one that is geared toward looking for how things could be better, I am vulnerable to the co-dependent compulsion to want to fix things and save people. This inherent and conditioned way of being has gotten me in trouble my entire life – most often because people either didn’t ask for my help or advise, or they don’t have the true desire to make the changes that would be necessary to better their lives or the unhealthy situation in which they find themselves.

The end result is that rather than being a help for others, I find myself haunted by wishes, hopes, and dreams for other people’s salvation, which are ultimately a harm to me as these thoughts increase my frustration and anxiety, and often lead to the resentment and depression that arises when our gifts are not being utilized.

Recently, I became acutely aware of this tendency in myself to focusing on other people’s pain and fixating on trying to fix it. The current political climate has only made things worse. In all of this, I have become aware of the fact that all I’m doing is harm to myself by continuing to engage in this habitual behavior, and that it was time to stop.

Stopping the compulsion of allowing my own energy, gifts, thoughts, and intentions to be drawn away from me and toward other people’s difficulties, fears, and pain is easier said than done. It takes diligent and focused effort to undo sixty years of conditioned behavior. I am, however, determined to end this cycle so that my gifts can be better utilized, and so I can return myself to peace.

The first step of this practice began with admitting the problem. Then, I turned my attention inward (to the Divine within) and asked for guidance and support in ending this behavior.

What first came through was the “sealing the jar” practice I shared the other day.

Then, it came in a focused mindfulness practice where I focused my thoughts and attention on a still place within myself – specifically, gazing within myself to a spot between my eyes, inside my skull.

Today, what came through was a deepening of that practice in which this focused attention began to build itself first into a castle, eventually becoming a fortress (I saw the fortress as a kind of Winterfell). This is a practice I’m happy to share here, trusting that you will find your own expression of a similar practice.

The practice, as always, begins with awareness.  In this case, becoming aware of all the ways in which your energy, thoughts, desires, hopes, are dragged outside of you and toward another person or group of persons. You may recognize the energy being drawn off of you in your own feelings of worry, fretfulness, anxiety, or concern. (It’s not that concern for others is bad. It’s that fixating on other people’s concerns distracts us from what we need to be doing for ourselves to remain at peace.) Once you are aware of the energy being drawn off of you, instead of following the thoughts or the energy, draw your awareness and thoughts inward. As described above, I found it helpful to focus on a place deep in my mind, specifically to a place between my eyeballs, inside of my skull. (I know, weird image, but it worked for me.)  NOW, hold your focus on that spot. WHEN you find your mind and attention drifting outside of you, bring it back to that focal point. Do this again and again and again (infinity), every single time you find your attention drifting somewhere outside of you. Over time, as you tend to this practice. you will begin to feel a decrease in anxiety and an increase in peace.

As you become familiar with this practice and chip away at the conditioned habit, you will begin to notice increasingly subtle ways in which your energy is being drawn off of you. Now it is time to build your fortress. Remaining in the practice of inward gazing, begin to become aware of the energy around you. The more we keep our energy to ourselves, the more safe and secure we are able to feel in our bodies.  This increasing sense of empowerment over maintaining our own state of inner peace becomes like a stone wall surrounding us. In essence, as we remain with this practice we are unconsciously building a fortress around ourselves where we feel safe, secure, and protected. The next part is the fun part – taking note of what your castle or fortress looks like?  Allow your fortress to blossom in your mind, taking on its own unique appearance. This fortress will be the touchstone you can return to every time you feel your peace disturbed by external people or situations.

The truest gift of this practice is empowerment for it is not someone outside of you who is providing this sense of safety or protection, it is yourself.  You have always had this power, but have been conditioned to believe otherwise. As you take back your own power through this practice, you are saving yourself, and coming to understand that the only person that ever needed saving was you and that you are the only one who can truly save you.  No longer will you be compelled to seek outside of yourself for someone to save you as you have saved yourself.

Patriarchal conditioning is partly to blame for our search for both an outside savior, and for the belief that it is our task or duty to save or fix others.

In this 6-week LIVE online course, you will learn to identify the patriarchal conditioning that continues to imprison you and learn how to undo this conditioning so that you might know a sense of inner peace and empowerment.

Learn more HERE.

Contained Radiance: How Best to Serve Humanity in the Face of Collapse

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 4 Comments

On Monday, January 20, 2025, Donald J. Trump will be sworn in for the second time as President of the United States. Whether you are hopeful or terrified in the face of another four years of Trump, the result will be the same.  The empire will continue to burn itself to the ground. President Trump may hinder or hasten that collapse – only time will tell.

In the meantime, we do the only thing we can do:

  • We hold space for that which is meant to occur.
  • We bear witness to the collapse.
  • We care for ourselves and our loved ones.
  • We observe our reactions and acknowledge the fears being triggered.
  • We do the work of healing and transforming our unhealed wounds,
  • Most importantly, we guard our energy and the precious spiritual gifts we’ve been given to help usher humanity through this collapse.

The collapse is happening with or without us. We cannot prevent it.  Neither can we stop it. Nor should we. The power of the patriarchy has run its course along with the hierarchical systems that have been established on fear, power, and control. We must allow the collapse so that something new may takes its place.

Yes, collapse is uncomfortable. Yes, it can be terrifying. Indeed, many will lose property, wealth, and even their lives as the world seeks to right itself. Yes, there will be sorrow and we will grieve these losses.

And there is nothing we can do about it. Instead, we are called to do something for ourselves.

The something we are called to do at this time, is to confront the holes in our soul that have been caused by all the ways and times that we have given our energy away in an effort to help, heal, or save, and that energy was either rejected or taken advantage of. The time of limitless giving in a culture that limitlessly takes, has come to an end. Instead, we are called to seal up the holes left behind from all the ways in which our energies and our sacred gifts have been misused.

This week, in working with my online community, I saw our souls as being held within a jar. For many, if not most, our jars are full of holes where our magic is being stolen from us or from where we are giving it away. It is time for us to seal those holes so that our magic might be safely contained. For every hole we seal, the light of the Divine within us gains power and grows in radiance. The goal is to seal every hole so that the light of the Divine within us might be safely contained so that it might better serve ourselves and our world – not as a commodity to be given or taken away, but as the radiant light of Love that just is – the light that not only transforms ourselves, but transforms our world.

It is through this contained radiance that we can best serve our world at this time. Guard and protect your energy. Draw it inward. Seal up the holes. And let your radiance shine.

Guarding Our Power

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I’m inviting you to join me in a purposeful, reflective pause. STOP and closely examine all the places in your life where your energy and power are being drawn from you:

  • Places where you say yes when you want to say no.
  • Situations where you do things out of a sense of duty or obligation.
  • Relationships in which you feel called to help or fix another.
  • Experiences where you can see what would be best and want to offer your expertise.
  • Friends and family, clients and strangers who seek guidance but who habitually disregard that guidance.
  • Situations in which you assume your guidance is wanted but in fact was never requested.
  • Those to whom you run at their first call of distress, hoping to help or take away that distress.
  • Experiences where you continually hope and wish for things to change, but they never do.
  • Those who want more from you than you can actually give.
  • Those who seek your listening ear but do nothing to heal or transform the situation about which they complain.

I’m inviting you into this reflection because you are not alone in this. I am woefully guilty of falling into the trap of co-dependency where I believe not only is it my job to help others, but believing I actually can.

We cannot help others who are unwilling or incapable of helping themselves.  We cannot help those who don’t believe they need help. Every time we try, a hole is drilled into our soul and a piece of our power is drawn out. That power, then is no longer available for us to access, as it is held in the others hand. I call this entanglement. There are certain relationships and experiences in which we become so entangled we may not even see how much of our power we’ve given away.

Contrary to the way in which we have been conditioned (women especially), our power is not meant for others. Instead, our power is meant to serve the purpose of our soul – to know and be Love in the world. This Love is not co-dependent, seeking to help or heal others. Instead, Love is meant to provide an example that others might follow. In witnessing the Love that we are, they may ask us how we came to know that Love. We may share with them the tools that helped us get there, but we cannot do the work for them. The danger with this Love is that it is magnetic and many are drawn to that Love – not to understand how to achieve that themselves, but to draw a bit of it from us. Do not let them.

The power of Love that we are is a precious thing. It is what feeds and sustains us. It is what allows others to be awakened and to seek out that Love for themselves. This is the Love that Jesus spoke of and the Love that changes the world. This Love is not for us to give, but for others to find within themselves. We may provide inspiration, but we are not the source.

For those who have uncovered this Love within themselves, we know how hard the journey is to know that Love more fully. The power of this Love is ours to protect. Protecting that Love requires a reprogramming from what we have been taught about what it means to Love. Love isn’t doing harm to ourselves to care for another. Love is not doing for another what they should be doing for themselves. Love does not intrude on the journey of another, but allows people the freedom to live their lives, learning their own lessons and making their own mistakes.

For me, protecting the power of Love begins with identifying those places in my life where that power is being drawn from me through co-dependent entanglements. Next, it is my job to STOP participating in that entanglement. This is no easy task due to the trigger response that is engrained in so many of us to want to help another’s distress. In order to stop this response, I have had to learn the signals in my body that let me know my co-dependency has been triggered. For me, it is a feeling in my solar plexus (gut) or on my left shoulder of energy being drawn from me. I literally feel as if I have to run to the individual expressing distress. Instead of running, I STOP. I repeat a silent mantra (“it’s their shit not mine”) and then I STAY PUT. I cannot express the strength it takes in me to stay put and not run after the distress.  And I am not perfect in this practice. I repeatedly fail and continually find myself in entanglements. But I’m learning and I’m improving. Every day, I’m a little better at guarding my power and taking back that which I have given away.

Love is a journey and a process, and the work is never done but in the heart of this work is a great treasure.  As we free ourselves from co-dependent behaviors, we have access to more of our own inner power and the Love that dwells within us. We have no idea the miracles that can come about when fully embodying that Love!

No. I Can’t Help You

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Confession:  I’m a fixer. Part of being a fixer is a gift. The other part is a defense mechanism and a curse.

The gift part of being a fixer is the ability to see what could be improved in an environment so that it might more successfully thrive. It is also the ability to see what could cause a situation, environment, relationship, etc. to fail and to offer course-corrections that would help to prevent that failure. This improvement-oriented gift has been further developed in me through years of education and experience in a wide range of professional fields. Those who have sought me out for these gifts and applied my guidance have benefitted greatly. I have benefitted by applying these gifts to myself.

The fixer defense mechanism, on the other hand, rises up in me when I feel unsafe in an environment thereby triggering my own survival instinct to seek out ways to restore my feelings of safety. With the energy of hyper-vigilance, I seek out the “wrong” in the environment and then I attempt to fix that wrong. These efforts almost always blow up in my face.

The challenge of being a fixer is that there is no clear line between gift and defense mechanism. Often, these bleed into each other, usually resulting in catastrophe – if not for “the other” then most definitely for me. As a fixer, it is sheer torture watching institutions, individuals, humanity, making the same mistakes over and over and over while refusing to apply the actions that could help them.  Many don’t really want to be helped. Even when they ask for help, they may not really want that help. Most often, they are unwilling to take the necessary actions that would help them.

In the past several years, my “fixer” tendencies have come up for review. Where and how are they helpful? When are they problematic? The answer is complicated, but to put it simply:

  1. When someone invites my professional support and guidance, offer it, but with no attachment to outcome. They may apply it.  They might not.
  2. Identify those who continually ask for support but who really don’t apply it and learn how to disengage. It’s ok to say, “No, I cannot help you.”
  3. If they haven’t asked for my professional support, KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

The reality is that there are three kinds of people:

  1. those who want help and will do the work to help themselves,
  2. those who say they want help but really don’t,
  3. and those who definitely do not want help.

For my own mental and emotional wellbeing, I have had to learn (and relearn, and learn again) how to tell the difference while also caring for myself when overcome by the frustration and grief that surfaces when witnessing humans walk the path of their own destruction.

(PS: Being a fixer is also a form of co-dependency. Alanon, ACA, and AA principles have proven helpful in healing myself of this pattern. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change….”)

Helping You Help Yourself!

Soul School with Lauri Ann Lumby provides the basics of self-discovery and personal development. Rooted in embodied educational practices, mindfulness, and creativity, you will be supported in discovering your unique giftedness, healing the obstacles to living out those gifts for the sake of your own fulfillment, and empowered to enjoy a life of authentic freedom.

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It’s Not My Job to Save the World

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Before I dive into this reflection, I want to state that in no way, shape, or form, is this reflection definitive. Instead, it is part of an ongoing exploration of perceived mission, purpose, and calling. In this reflection, the central focus of the quandary is around what it means to be an empath and how we are, or are not, called to use this gift.

In the world of pop culture spirituality, the word empath has been increasingly tossed around. Some, including me, have jumped on the bandwagon, taking empath as a title, as well as a superpower, and in doing so, waving the banner of the special nature of this gift.

Is being an empath a superpower? Is it a gift Divinely imparted to those special few who are called to “hear the cries of the world,” who then employ their equally special gifts of healing to save the broken world?

Or is being an empath a defense mechanism that we developed so that we might carve out a safe place for ourselves in an otherwise violent world?

Ultimately, I believe the ability to feel the emotional state of those around us, along with the expanded sense of empathy that allows us to feel global phenomenon (like collective fear, approaching storms, pending earthquakes, solar flares, etc.) is a function of both nature and nurture. It seems to be true that some people are born with heightened sensitivities. There is also a strong argument for empathy as a developed skill born out of our own need to be safe.

Regarding the latter, further developing the empathic abilities that may have already been within me, has proved immeasurably helpful. It has given me the ability to sense danger, to read people’s emotions and intentions, to know when someone is a safe person to be around, and when one is pure evil. Being an empath has also helped me in interpersonal relationships – especially with those for whom I care, because it allows me to sense when they are upset, disturbed, angry, etc. which then allows for a healthy and helpful conversation. It allows me to intuitively know when someone might need support, but maybe doesn’t know how to ask.

There is a place for being an empath in my life that has shown itself to be healthy and helpful.

There is also a place where being an empath has gotten me in trouble.

We live in a culture (and I am of a gender) in which we are conditioned to be co-dependent. We are told it’s our job to make other people happy, to be a champion for the voiceless, to fight against injustice, and ultimately….to save the world. Being an empath without proper boundaries can feed this co-dependency, making us believe we are some sort of champion for the downtrodden, and savior of the world. The gift of empathy can further give us the feeling of being special or set apart from others, thereby feeding our ego and our pride.

Empathy is a gift, but it can also be a curse. For one thing, I’m not sure it’s safe or good for us to feeeeeeeel everything!  I know it’s not good for me. Feeling everyone’s feelings, every emotion, every intention, then heap on the collective fear and violence of our world, and I am bound to short circuit – which is exactly what I did last week. It became too much. My anxiety was off the charts. I felt like a cat full of static from having been brushed the wrong way. This short-circuiting caused me reach out to my doctor who authorized an increased dosage of my sertraline which has slowly eased my sense of being flayed.  I then took some time off to rest and reflect.

In the midst of this reflection, I was reminded that it is not my job to save anyone, let alone the world. Despite all I’d been taught and conditioned to believe, the only person I have the power of saving (and even this is debatable) is myself. I can’t change other people’s behaviors. I can’t change their beliefs. There is literally nothing I can do to rescue them from the trap they have created for themselves. My experience of being an empath does nothing to help those around me (except as I mention above), and my so-called healing powers will do nothing to solve the crisis in the Middle East, or to absolve the fear and unhealed wounds that would cause someone to inflict violence on another.

The only thing I can do with the sensitivities I have, the knowledge I’ve gathered, and the wisdom I’ve gained, is to:

  1. Care for myself.
  2. Be a source of support for others seeking to care for themselves.

Period. Other people’s crises are none of my business. Another’s pain is not mine to heal. I can do nothing to force evil to become good. I can’t change the direction of the tide. Humanity is on a course of its own making and there is not a single thing I can do to fix or change it.

So for today, I’m setting aside my superhero cape, laying down my bullhorn, and stepping away from humanity’s pain so that I can place my focus where it needs to be – on myself. Only in saving myself (with God’s help) can I ever hope to be a guide and support for others who also want to save themselves.