conditioning

The Big Sorting

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I’m day four into recovering from laparoscopic abdominal surgery and I finally have some energy to put some recent observations of the world and my/our place in it in writing.

This is a strange time. To put it into the simplest of terms, humanity is involved in a massive kind of sorting – the likes of which I’m not sure we’ve ever seen. As is always the case with human beings, but even more so now with the reality of global communication, this sorting is happening on both the micro and macro levels. At the heart of this sorting is the question of choice – are we (individually and as a collective) choosing truth or falsehood.

Between our human conditioning, past woundings, and the collective distribution of falsehoods, the choice is not easy. Making the choice even more challenging is the reality that in the dualistic world in which we’ve been living, success and advancement are often achieved through deception; and because human beings find hype and tabloid delivery entertaining and exciting, it is what most commonly sells.

Truth, on the other hand, doesn’t sell.

Case in point: Since the age of 12, I have been a devoted student of the Magdalene. I have read every scholarly work out there, and studied the research of every scholar. What we can discern as plausible truth about the Magdalene is actually pretty boring. Based on available research, the Magdalene was most likely an ordinary Jewish woman who found herself drawn to a traveling preacher and who became enraptured by his teachings. Ancient texts confirm that she was likely Jesus’ most devoted student and the one who most wholly absorbed his deepest teachings. She was taught in secret because she grasped things the other disciples did not. She was the one chosen to be witness to (maybe even facilitated) Jesus’ resurrection and deliver the news to the other disciples. After Jesus’ resurrection, it is possible that she traveled to share Jesus’ message and teachings of Love. Where she went is under some debate though there are enough local legends to support the possibility that she went to Egypt, France, and possibly Ephesus and less possibly Britain. That is not to say, however, that her disciples didn’t carry her message to these far-flung places. It was said that Mary was intimate with Jesus – but whether that was sexual, or merely a beloved spiritual partnership, we will never know. We will also never know if Mary and Jesus had a child. I’m not opposed to this idea, but there is really nothing to prove it one way or another. Like I said, boring. There’s really nothing special here, which is partly why I suspect the version of the Magdalene that I stand by doesn’t sell. I don’t use flashy words or popular new age terminology in reference to the Magdalene because there is nothing scholarly or academic to support it. Are any of those versions of the Magdalene possible – sure.  But until science proves otherwise, they are not truth.

Which brings me back to my point about the big sorting. Together we are experiencing a time of great sorting, and together, it is our choices which will determine the future course of humanity. Will we continue to be a species living from agreements and systems rooted in falsehoods and deceptions, or will we together be advocates of truth?

My choice is and has always been truth. And believe me, truth has cost me. My commitment to truth makes it impossible for me to fit into the current system. I literally become physically ill when in the company of deceivers, liars, and systems that lie. Everything in me wants to scream when I discover corruption or deception in an institution with which I am affiliated. Repeatedly, I have had to leave institutions behind because of the lies they refuse to see for themselves, or for which they are actually proud. As a result, I have had to stand alone in a little place I’ve carved out for myself. The good news is that where I was once alone, I now find myself surrounded by an increasingly growing network of others who find themselves equally unable to abide by the deception and corruption of the dying world and who want only to stand on the side of truth and love.

I also find myself increasingly aware of those who continue to choose falsehood. This is the personal part of the sorting. This part is difficult. It’s one thing to stand in our own truth, it’s another to watch someone we care for choose deception and falsehood because it benefits them in some way. It’s not our job to change their choice.  All we can do is be witness to their choice. Grieve the disappointment we might feel and let them be.

Here’s the nitty gritty of things. For me, this big sorting is all about witness consciousness.  As it relates to the world, I watch, I observe, I wait. I make note of the deceptions and the way falsehoods are delivered and I observe who buys into them. Equally, I watch for those who see through the deceptions and corruptions to the deeper truths waiting to be revealed. I refrain from challenging, confronting, or pointing out that “the emperor has no clothes,” trusting that the system itself is in its own kind of sorting. Humanity is sorting itself out. On a personal basis, it is observing what and who in my life are rooted in truth and what may not be and deciding how I want to engage with that, or not. At this writing, the sorting is still taking place with no definitive answers about what is staying or what needs to go. I’m also aware that the time for decisions is not yet ripe so I continue to wait and watch. The truth will show itself when its time is right and no sooner than that.

To me, the Magdalene was the one who most wholly absorbed the depth of Jesus’ teachings on Love. These teachings, are ultimately about discovering our own Truth and then moving through the inner obstacles to living that Truth. Abraham Maslow called the fulfillment of that journey “Self-Actualization.” It is for this reason that my Magdalene formation program is about personal growth and self-discovery.

Learn more HERE

Building Your Fortress of Peace

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

Because I have an overly active mind and one that is geared toward looking for how things could be better, I am vulnerable to the co-dependent compulsion to want to fix things and save people. This inherent and conditioned way of being has gotten me in trouble my entire life – most often because people either didn’t ask for my help or advise, or they don’t have the true desire to make the changes that would be necessary to better their lives or the unhealthy situation in which they find themselves.

The end result is that rather than being a help for others, I find myself haunted by wishes, hopes, and dreams for other people’s salvation, which are ultimately a harm to me as these thoughts increase my frustration and anxiety, and often lead to the resentment and depression that arises when our gifts are not being utilized.

Recently, I became acutely aware of this tendency in myself to focusing on other people’s pain and fixating on trying to fix it. The current political climate has only made things worse. In all of this, I have become aware of the fact that all I’m doing is harm to myself by continuing to engage in this habitual behavior, and that it was time to stop.

Stopping the compulsion of allowing my own energy, gifts, thoughts, and intentions to be drawn away from me and toward other people’s difficulties, fears, and pain is easier said than done. It takes diligent and focused effort to undo sixty years of conditioned behavior. I am, however, determined to end this cycle so that my gifts can be better utilized, and so I can return myself to peace.

The first step of this practice began with admitting the problem. Then, I turned my attention inward (to the Divine within) and asked for guidance and support in ending this behavior.

What first came through was the “sealing the jar” practice I shared the other day.

Then, it came in a focused mindfulness practice where I focused my thoughts and attention on a still place within myself – specifically, gazing within myself to a spot between my eyes, inside my skull.

Today, what came through was a deepening of that practice in which this focused attention began to build itself first into a castle, eventually becoming a fortress (I saw the fortress as a kind of Winterfell). This is a practice I’m happy to share here, trusting that you will find your own expression of a similar practice.

The practice, as always, begins with awareness.  In this case, becoming aware of all the ways in which your energy, thoughts, desires, hopes, are dragged outside of you and toward another person or group of persons. You may recognize the energy being drawn off of you in your own feelings of worry, fretfulness, anxiety, or concern. (It’s not that concern for others is bad. It’s that fixating on other people’s concerns distracts us from what we need to be doing for ourselves to remain at peace.) Once you are aware of the energy being drawn off of you, instead of following the thoughts or the energy, draw your awareness and thoughts inward. As described above, I found it helpful to focus on a place deep in my mind, specifically to a place between my eyeballs, inside of my skull. (I know, weird image, but it worked for me.)  NOW, hold your focus on that spot. WHEN you find your mind and attention drifting outside of you, bring it back to that focal point. Do this again and again and again (infinity), every single time you find your attention drifting somewhere outside of you. Over time, as you tend to this practice. you will begin to feel a decrease in anxiety and an increase in peace.

As you become familiar with this practice and chip away at the conditioned habit, you will begin to notice increasingly subtle ways in which your energy is being drawn off of you. Now it is time to build your fortress. Remaining in the practice of inward gazing, begin to become aware of the energy around you. The more we keep our energy to ourselves, the more safe and secure we are able to feel in our bodies.  This increasing sense of empowerment over maintaining our own state of inner peace becomes like a stone wall surrounding us. In essence, as we remain with this practice we are unconsciously building a fortress around ourselves where we feel safe, secure, and protected. The next part is the fun part – taking note of what your castle or fortress looks like?  Allow your fortress to blossom in your mind, taking on its own unique appearance. This fortress will be the touchstone you can return to every time you feel your peace disturbed by external people or situations.

The truest gift of this practice is empowerment for it is not someone outside of you who is providing this sense of safety or protection, it is yourself.  You have always had this power, but have been conditioned to believe otherwise. As you take back your own power through this practice, you are saving yourself, and coming to understand that the only person that ever needed saving was you and that you are the only one who can truly save you.  No longer will you be compelled to seek outside of yourself for someone to save you as you have saved yourself.

Patriarchal conditioning is partly to blame for our search for both an outside savior, and for the belief that it is our task or duty to save or fix others.

In this 6-week LIVE online course, you will learn to identify the patriarchal conditioning that continues to imprison you and learn how to undo this conditioning so that you might know a sense of inner peace and empowerment.

Learn more HERE.

Guarding Our Power

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I’m inviting you to join me in a purposeful, reflective pause. STOP and closely examine all the places in your life where your energy and power are being drawn from you:

  • Places where you say yes when you want to say no.
  • Situations where you do things out of a sense of duty or obligation.
  • Relationships in which you feel called to help or fix another.
  • Experiences where you can see what would be best and want to offer your expertise.
  • Friends and family, clients and strangers who seek guidance but who habitually disregard that guidance.
  • Situations in which you assume your guidance is wanted but in fact was never requested.
  • Those to whom you run at their first call of distress, hoping to help or take away that distress.
  • Experiences where you continually hope and wish for things to change, but they never do.
  • Those who want more from you than you can actually give.
  • Those who seek your listening ear but do nothing to heal or transform the situation about which they complain.

I’m inviting you into this reflection because you are not alone in this. I am woefully guilty of falling into the trap of co-dependency where I believe not only is it my job to help others, but believing I actually can.

We cannot help others who are unwilling or incapable of helping themselves.  We cannot help those who don’t believe they need help. Every time we try, a hole is drilled into our soul and a piece of our power is drawn out. That power, then is no longer available for us to access, as it is held in the others hand. I call this entanglement. There are certain relationships and experiences in which we become so entangled we may not even see how much of our power we’ve given away.

Contrary to the way in which we have been conditioned (women especially), our power is not meant for others. Instead, our power is meant to serve the purpose of our soul – to know and be Love in the world. This Love is not co-dependent, seeking to help or heal others. Instead, Love is meant to provide an example that others might follow. In witnessing the Love that we are, they may ask us how we came to know that Love. We may share with them the tools that helped us get there, but we cannot do the work for them. The danger with this Love is that it is magnetic and many are drawn to that Love – not to understand how to achieve that themselves, but to draw a bit of it from us. Do not let them.

The power of Love that we are is a precious thing. It is what feeds and sustains us. It is what allows others to be awakened and to seek out that Love for themselves. This is the Love that Jesus spoke of and the Love that changes the world. This Love is not for us to give, but for others to find within themselves. We may provide inspiration, but we are not the source.

For those who have uncovered this Love within themselves, we know how hard the journey is to know that Love more fully. The power of this Love is ours to protect. Protecting that Love requires a reprogramming from what we have been taught about what it means to Love. Love isn’t doing harm to ourselves to care for another. Love is not doing for another what they should be doing for themselves. Love does not intrude on the journey of another, but allows people the freedom to live their lives, learning their own lessons and making their own mistakes.

For me, protecting the power of Love begins with identifying those places in my life where that power is being drawn from me through co-dependent entanglements. Next, it is my job to STOP participating in that entanglement. This is no easy task due to the trigger response that is engrained in so many of us to want to help another’s distress. In order to stop this response, I have had to learn the signals in my body that let me know my co-dependency has been triggered. For me, it is a feeling in my solar plexus (gut) or on my left shoulder of energy being drawn from me. I literally feel as if I have to run to the individual expressing distress. Instead of running, I STOP. I repeat a silent mantra (“it’s their shit not mine”) and then I STAY PUT. I cannot express the strength it takes in me to stay put and not run after the distress.  And I am not perfect in this practice. I repeatedly fail and continually find myself in entanglements. But I’m learning and I’m improving. Every day, I’m a little better at guarding my power and taking back that which I have given away.

Love is a journey and a process, and the work is never done but in the heart of this work is a great treasure.  As we free ourselves from co-dependent behaviors, we have access to more of our own inner power and the Love that dwells within us. We have no idea the miracles that can come about when fully embodying that Love!

Moving Gently

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Often, when I reflect on what I want out of my life, the phrase moving gently surfaces. The idea of moving gently is so contrary to the way I have formerly moved and to the way in which we are often conditioned in this society that it has taken me time and much practice to realize this gentle movement in my life. Now, when I am able to sink into this gentle movement it feels natural, nourishing, and life-giving. In the times when life throws me back into situations where gentle is either not possible or difficult to attain, I feel violated and as if my life force is being sucked out of my being. This contrast encourages me to choose gentle movement wherever I am able and to free myself of those things that don’t allow for gentle.

Moving gently brings up images for me of the Bronte sisters and Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women – Victorian women (albeit privileged) who lived in a time when quiet reading, long walks in the moors, the needle arts, and writing were honored as time well-spent. Moving gently also brings up thoughts of medieval nuns like Hildegard of Bingen whose lives were defined by prayer, tending their gardens, providing counsel, caring for the sick, and completing the daily tasks of running a monastery.

These images provide but a glimpse of all the aforementioned lives required, but it is the energy-sense of these images, much more than the literal truth of them that provides food for thought and seeds for discernment.

Moving gently is about having a felt-sense of gentle and choosing this wherever possible in ones life. It is about measuring each experience and encounter and comparing it to what gentle feels like. Then it is about choosing what measures up and discarding the rest. As it turns out, choosing to move gently has application in all areas of my life. Here are some real-life examples:

Exercise: I used to be a gym rat, spending hours a week forcing my body into a size six form through vigorous exercise and weight lifting. Now, I relish in the gentle movements of yoga and Chi Qong. I’m no longer a size six (thank you menopause), but I feel good in my body.

The Drive to Succeed: I spent the vast majority of my life driving, striving, and forcing myself into the western world’s definition of success. I drove myself to be number one in my class. I sought positions that dangled the money carrot. I followed all the rules of SEO marketing and professional networking to try to be a success in my own business. Now, I do none of these. Instead, I listen deeply to my soul and when I feel called to work, I do.  When things come to me that feel life-giving, I receive them. I create what I want to create and leave the rest to God. Somehow it always works out – often by the skin of my teeth, but it works out.

Popularity and People-Pleasing: (puke emoji). I used to believe it was my job to make other people happy. Formerly, I worked hard at being friendly, outgoing, welcoming, and approachable. I wanted people to like me, and I would change and adapt in the hopes of getting other people’s approval. No more. Now, I am me. If people don’t like me, that’s more a reflection of them than it is of me. Instead of wanting to be popular, I now prefer to be unknown and unseen. In my mind, I like to think of my invisibility as the Diana Prince to the Wonder Woman hidden underneath. I no longer need to wave the banner of my magic to get people’s attention. If my gifts are meant for them, they will find me.

The Use of My Time: Formerly, my time was put toward efforts that I hoped would produce popularity, money, fame, even power. Now, my time is spent gently. If I have nothing “to do,” I spend my time in prayer and contemplation. I seek out opportunities for learning. I read and study. I read for enjoyment. I move my body gently. I feed my body simply. I enjoy quietude. I listen to music. I spend time with friends. I work with clients when the opportunities present themselves. I moderate student discussion in my online classes. I facilitate a weekly meditation circle. I tend to the responsibilities of my “chop wood and carry water” job. I pay my bills. I carry my love out into the world. I no longer engage in debate. I have freed myself from trying to convince anyone of anything. I have released resentment. I have let go of my need to fix, change, or save the world and the people within it.

I’m not saying it’s perfect. But identifying my soul’s need to move gently and going about the process of making this choice, I feel more peaceful and content than I have ever felt in my life. Oh yes, I sometimes stray from this and my battle armor is always close at hand, but at least I know what my soul prefers and that the freedom to choose gentle is almost always there.

I Care Too Much

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 6 Comments

I have a confession to make.  I talk big about cultivating the fine art of detachment and learning not to care, but in reality, I care too much. It’s a problem:

  • I care about the state of our world.
  • I care about humanity’s wellbeing.
  • I care about the lack of peace and the pervasive nature of conflict.
  • I care that some humans are truly evil and intentionally cruel.
  • I care about the health of our environment and the safety of our water and food.
  • I care about injustice.
  • I care that people are starving, homeless, without adequate medical care, living in war-torn countries where their safety is continually threatened.
  • I care that people die in unnecessary wars.
  • I care that the best humanity can come up with for resolving conflict is war.
  • I care about ignorance and the bad decisions human beings make because of a lack of verifiable information.
  • I care that there are people in the world who thrive on manipulating and abusing others.
  • I care…I care…I care…

More than all of this, I care about the people I love. I want the best for them.  I want them to be happy, healthy, well cared for, and safe. I want them to succeed in whatever they set out to do. I want them to have peace, to know contentment and to experience joy. I want them to feel loved.

The problem with caring, is that I am not in control over any of the things I care about. That drives me insane. It is excruciating to observe humanity and to see all the unnecessary violence, conflict, and hatred. It is even more difficult to watch those you love make decisions that will cause themselves or someone else harm. It is especially challenging when you have some experience in a certain area and can predict the harm that will come when one takes a certain path. This is hundred-fold true when you have a tiny bit of pre-sentience and a thousand-fold true when you are an empath, or when someone you love asks for guidance, and you give it, and they choose the exact opposite.

It actually hurts me to see some choosing certain paths. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about any of it. So I writhe in agony. I become frustrated, angry, and impatient. I get balled up in self-righteousness. My anxiety escalates and my depression deepens. Sometimes it’s so bad my PTSD is triggered. It sucks.

Then I apply every single spiritual practice I know for detaching and letting go. Sometimes it helps. More often not. Or if it does, the effects are only temporary, and I find myself right back in the place of caring.

UGH!

There are days I want to shake my fist at God: “Why did you make me care???”  There are other days I try to bargain, “Can’t you make me NOT CARE like so many people seem to do?”  Then there are the days where I make myself not care – I have to get angry to not care, and then I feel guilty and like I’m being a complete asshole.

UGH!

Caring is a curse, but I’m not sure I would want to be any other way. Someone has to give a shit!  Right!?  If I don’t care, who will? If someone doesn’t care what will come of this world?

But then I look at what we call “God.”  Does “He” even care? I sometimes think not. Instead, it seems that God leaves us to our own devices and lets the chips fall where they may – consequences, natural law, karma, and all that jazz.

If God doesn’t care, then why do I?  It’s a serious question.

Some might call caring “codependency.” Yeah, I can own that. I do care – often too much. The too much is an ebb and a flow. Better on some days than others. When I’m feeling vulnerable, or anxious, or unwell, it might be worse. When my PTSD is triggered it’s definitely worse. Unraveling from being a first-born and certain cultural conditioning is hard. Healing from childhood wounds and forced extroverted niceness (brought about by multiple moves) takes time. People pleasing and over-responsibility have to be unlearned.

It’s a journey. But as hard as I am on others, I’m a million times harder on myself. I should have this thing down by now. Right!?

WRONG!  Not even close.  Turns out I’m human, fragile, vulnerable, and imperfect and broken just like everyone else. And more than anything else, I am not in control over the fact that I am excruciatingly human – and that just kills me.

Conditioned by Shame

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Shame is one of the forces of manipulation that we are currently unraveling from at this stage in our cultural/spiritual evolution.  Specifically – the shame we have been conditioned to feel by the patriarchal/hierarchical power structures who for the past 5000 years have ruled our world.  These power structures, which are rooted in fear, power and control, have fashioned “rules” from which they benefit while the rest of us suffer.  Shame is the tool they use to get us to comply with their rules. Let me offer a few examples:

  • If you anger, disappoint or turn away from “god” you will go to hell and here are the ways you will anger and disappoint “god.”
  • If you don’t dress a certain way, carry a certain purse, if your body isn’t a certain size, people won’t love you.
  • If you don’t succeed in school, you are a failure.
  • If you didn’t learn the lesson, or if you did learn it but can’t communicate it in the way we expect you to, you will get a bad grade.
  • If you don’t pay your bills on time, you will be punished.
  • If you don’t make a certain amount of money, you are a failure.
  • If you are sick and need medical care, but don’t have money to pay for it, you are lazy.
  • If you are a working mother and can’t get to work on time because you have to take your child to work, you will be fired.
  • If you got pregnant out of wedlock, you are a whore.
  • If you are having sex outside of marriage you are also a whore.
  • If you are raped, it’s your fault.

The list goes on and on and on.

These are the threats that have been doled out to us by the existing power structures to imprison us with fear and manipulate us with shame. 

NO MORE! 

It is time for us to unravel from this shame by:

  1. Refusing its power over us.
  2. Taking back our own power.
  3. Healing the wounds that have been implanted within us by this shame so that we are less likely to be vulnerable to shame’s manipulations.

Join us for our first Master class of 2023:

Freedom from Shame

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

6:30 – 8:30 pm central time

LIVE via ZOOM

Learn more and enroll HERE

Enrollment limited to 25. Register now and reserve your seat.