dependency

A**HOLE

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Contrary to what some (perhaps many) might say, I’m NOT an asshole. Contrary to what I jokingly say about myself, I’m NOT an asshole. I only jokingly say that I’m an asshole as a way to protect myself from those who honestly believe I am (an asshole).

People say I’m an asshole when they don’t like certain things about me. When my actions or words make them uncomfortable or hold them accountable to their own behaviors. Here’s a list of what some (many?) don’t like about me:

  1. I know who I am. I know my gifts, and my challenges and I’m confident standing in either.
  2. I have a clearly defined sense of right and wrong. I uphold these values within myself and hold others to these same values. (A dear friend once said that I have more integrity than anyone he has ever known.)
  3. I am growing more comfortable in the fullness of my emotions. I can feel sorrow, anxiety, depression, despair, joy, excitement, and anger and am somewhat comfortable expressing these.
  4. I’m VERY passionate about certain things and I’m not afraid to express this passion.
  5. I have a deep desire for justice in our world and will freely speak out against injustices.
  6. I feel anger DEEPLY (or I might be confusing passion for anger). When I witness an injustice, when my needs are not being met, when someone deeply hurts me, I feel anger. I’m not very good at expressing anger (because “you’re a bad person if you are angry), so it usually gets turned inward into seething resentment. Then I become SILENT and withdrawn until I’ve had time to process that anger.
  7. I have exceptional boundaries. As an introverted empath who is highly sensitive to the energy of others, my boundaries have become even more iron clad.
  8. I hear and can see people’s thoughts. I can read their personal energy. I KNOW when someone is lying to me, trying to keep secrets, or trying to manipulate me. I want to ask of certain people I know who repeatedly try to hide things from me, “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE FOOLING?”
  9. I’m not afraid to cut people off who have been intentionally cruel to me, betrayed me, lied to me or tried to cheat me. This is equally true of those who purposefully and thoughtfully infringe on my boundaries. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than put up with other people’s morally questionable or needy behaviors.
  10. I don’t do needy. I will slam the door at the first sign of dependency’s tentacles. Bye!
  11. Perhaps related, I am independent, self-sufficient, and for most of my life, I have been the source of my own need-fulfillment. I fill my own cup. It’s not my job to fill yours. I might be able to support you in learning to fill your own cup, but I won’t fill it for you.
  12. I do not and will not enable others. My mission is to empower, not to feed our dying system of co-dependency.

For this and (perhaps many) other reasons, there are some in the world who think I’m an asshole. I’ve even said the same of myself, but I know that’s not really true.  If it is, it’s only because we live in culture that is profoundly arrested in its development that has no idea what to do with self-actualized humans except to condemn them. I’ve been condemned and I’ve survived this too. (another reason for people to hate me. 😊

When You Can’t Help Them

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

One of the deepest griefs is when we realize that no matter our efforts or good intentions, we cannot help those who don’t want to be helped or who have no desire to change.

No matter the gifts we have or how another’s life might benefit from those gifts, even when they ask to partake of our gifts, if they’re unwilling to apply these gifts, they will remain in whatever state of misery they’ve gathering around themselves.

I remember someone once asking for my guidance and support on a particular matter. Knowing my guidance wouldn’t sway them, I said no. They begged and pleaded, and I kept saying no, duly warning them, “You’re not going to like what I have to say.” They insisted, while promising they trusted me and took great stock in my wisdom. Finally I gave them what they asked for. They haven’t spoken to me since.

Another time, I knew a certain relationship would fail. This time I held my tongue. What business was it of mine who someone decides to marry? Instead, I waited and watched – all the time recognizing the confirmation of what I already knew. When the end I always knew was coming finally arrived, in a moment of what I thought might be support, I shared what I had always known – that the relationship would fail. They also haven’t spoken to me since.

Even when people insist they want our gifts, they do not. Not unless they are the kind of person who truly wants to grow and who is able and willing to be radically accountable to their wounds while acknowledging the reason why they have clung to them so strongly. Only then might our gifts be of help. Otherwise, we cannot help them.