empathy

It’s Not My Job to Save the World

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Before I dive into this reflection, I want to state that in no way, shape, or form, is this reflection definitive. Instead, it is part of an ongoing exploration of perceived mission, purpose, and calling. In this reflection, the central focus of the quandary is around what it means to be an empath and how we are, or are not, called to use this gift.

In the world of pop culture spirituality, the word empath has been increasingly tossed around. Some, including me, have jumped on the bandwagon, taking empath as a title, as well as a superpower, and in doing so, waving the banner of the special nature of this gift.

Is being an empath a superpower? Is it a gift Divinely imparted to those special few who are called to “hear the cries of the world,” who then employ their equally special gifts of healing to save the broken world?

Or is being an empath a defense mechanism that we developed so that we might carve out a safe place for ourselves in an otherwise violent world?

Ultimately, I believe the ability to feel the emotional state of those around us, along with the expanded sense of empathy that allows us to feel global phenomenon (like collective fear, approaching storms, pending earthquakes, solar flares, etc.) is a function of both nature and nurture. It seems to be true that some people are born with heightened sensitivities. There is also a strong argument for empathy as a developed skill born out of our own need to be safe.

Regarding the latter, further developing the empathic abilities that may have already been within me, has proved immeasurably helpful. It has given me the ability to sense danger, to read people’s emotions and intentions, to know when someone is a safe person to be around, and when one is pure evil. Being an empath has also helped me in interpersonal relationships – especially with those for whom I care, because it allows me to sense when they are upset, disturbed, angry, etc. which then allows for a healthy and helpful conversation. It allows me to intuitively know when someone might need support, but maybe doesn’t know how to ask.

There is a place for being an empath in my life that has shown itself to be healthy and helpful.

There is also a place where being an empath has gotten me in trouble.

We live in a culture (and I am of a gender) in which we are conditioned to be co-dependent. We are told it’s our job to make other people happy, to be a champion for the voiceless, to fight against injustice, and ultimately….to save the world. Being an empath without proper boundaries can feed this co-dependency, making us believe we are some sort of champion for the downtrodden, and savior of the world. The gift of empathy can further give us the feeling of being special or set apart from others, thereby feeding our ego and our pride.

Empathy is a gift, but it can also be a curse. For one thing, I’m not sure it’s safe or good for us to feeeeeeeel everything!  I know it’s not good for me. Feeling everyone’s feelings, every emotion, every intention, then heap on the collective fear and violence of our world, and I am bound to short circuit – which is exactly what I did last week. It became too much. My anxiety was off the charts. I felt like a cat full of static from having been brushed the wrong way. This short-circuiting caused me reach out to my doctor who authorized an increased dosage of my sertraline which has slowly eased my sense of being flayed.  I then took some time off to rest and reflect.

In the midst of this reflection, I was reminded that it is not my job to save anyone, let alone the world. Despite all I’d been taught and conditioned to believe, the only person I have the power of saving (and even this is debatable) is myself. I can’t change other people’s behaviors. I can’t change their beliefs. There is literally nothing I can do to rescue them from the trap they have created for themselves. My experience of being an empath does nothing to help those around me (except as I mention above), and my so-called healing powers will do nothing to solve the crisis in the Middle East, or to absolve the fear and unhealed wounds that would cause someone to inflict violence on another.

The only thing I can do with the sensitivities I have, the knowledge I’ve gathered, and the wisdom I’ve gained, is to:

  1. Care for myself.
  2. Be a source of support for others seeking to care for themselves.

Period. Other people’s crises are none of my business. Another’s pain is not mine to heal. I can do nothing to force evil to become good. I can’t change the direction of the tide. Humanity is on a course of its own making and there is not a single thing I can do to fix or change it.

So for today, I’m setting aside my superhero cape, laying down my bullhorn, and stepping away from humanity’s pain so that I can place my focus where it needs to be – on myself. Only in saving myself (with God’s help) can I ever hope to be a guide and support for others who also want to save themselves.  

Is it Vestibular, PTSD, HSP, or Empathy?

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Yesterday, I had to leave work early. I had to leave out of a combination of stimuli that triggered – perhaps all – of the conditions I have: chronic vestibular neuritis, PTSD, HSP (highly sensitive person), along with my ability to feel the energy and emotions of others (empathy) so much so that it overwhelms my nervous system. The result was a combination of overwhelm, PTSD symptoms (inability to concentrate, focus, etc), anxiety, and a blaring migraine with a bit of dizziness. While any one of these conditions could have caused the symptoms I experienced, upon reflection, it was a combination of stimuli and conditions that created the perfect storm, making it near impossible for me to continue working while the stimuli not only continued, but increased. Thankfully, I have an understanding employer who is fully aware of my sensitivities and the deficits that sometimes accompany this combination of sensitivities. My work is also flexible, some can be done from home, and my responsibilities for that day were relatively minimal. My employer gave me a supportive smile when I told her I was going home, as she was aware of the challenges I was facing that night.

Not every employer would be so understanding or supportive.

I know I am one of the lucky ones.  In America, 2% of the population are considered empaths, 6% will have PTSD at some point in their lives, 15-20% are diagnosed as HSP, and over 35% of adults over the age of forty suffer from vestibular disorders. I suspect these figures are understated! My point is that a whole lot of people suffer from one or several of the conditions with which I sometimes struggle, and very few employers are understanding of or willing to make accommodations for said-conditions. With none of these conditions does one appear “sick.” For most of these conditions the symptoms are difficult, if not impossible, to describe, causing many, including medical professionals, to believe the issues might be “in your head.”

Literally, vestibular disorders are in our heads! For myself, I have chronic inflammation of the vestibular nerve which makes me sensitive to movement, sound, smells, lights, barometric pressure – and so much more. When I’m “triggered,” the results vary. Sometimes I just feel icky. Other times I’m bowled over by vertigo. Sometimes the vertigo isn’t full-on spinning, just a feeling of disorientation or unease. I sometimes get aura migraines, and other times full-body migraines where I can do nothing but lay on the couch with lights off and a blanket over my head. I NEVER know when the symptoms might arise but there are certain things that are consistent including driving (especially at freeway speeds), snow and rain, windshield wiper movement, low barometric pressure, and red wine. Ironically, red wine is also one of the remedies I have found for when I have a full-on migraine. Weird.

PTSD is even more subtle for me and thankfully with medication I haven’t had a panic attack in several years. I continue, however, to find myself sensitive to crowds, loud noises, a multitude of stimuli, and certain situations and/or conversations. One thing I’ve come to notice, which I don’t remember having before the experiences that brought about the PTSD – I now have some sort of auditory processing disorder – which could also be related to the vestibular issues. The disorder goes like this: if I’m in a crowd of people and someone, or multiple someones are talking to me, I literally can’t hear them.  All I hear is “wha wha wha wha.”  As one friend described it  – “Charlie Brown’s teacher.”  I can hear the sounds, but I cannot make out the words.  For years I thought I was hard of hearing.  My hearing tests all prove to be in the range of normal, and yet, these symptoms persist.  As an office manager, this condition makes my job difficult and overwhelming at times, and I have to repeatedly ask people to repeat themselves while explaining about the processing disorder.

As it relates to HSP and being an Empath, (insert shoulder shrug emoji).  If you are either of these, you get it. If not, there’s likely no way to explain it. The best way to describe both of these is that I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel  everyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyything. Your emotions. Sometimes your thoughts. Pending earthquakes, hurricane, or other global phenomenon. I sometimes know when something bad is about to occur. I can read your energy. I feeeeeeeeeel if you are a good or bad human being. I can tell by your body language if you’ve been abused. Sometimes I see it. It’s bad enough when it’s only one person I’m feeling, or one global phenomenon…….but if it’s a room of people or the whole planet is losing its shit, it becomes overwhelming which makes it difficult to stay fully present, to think clearly, and to remain focused. On some days it’s so bad that I can’t perform normal administrative tasks or even read a book or magazine for pleasure. After periods of intense stimuli, I just don’t have the bandwidth.

So yeah…….with (what felt like) a hundred people in the building and their children talking, making messes, asking for attention, some of them screaming…..I had had enough. Was it due to vestibular issues, PTSD, HSP or Empathy?  The answer is YES.  All of the above.

Again, a huge thank you to my employer and for the universe who put me in their path so I could have a supportive place to work from which I could escape if things become too intense. And my heart goes out to those who aren’t equally supported in their place of employment or who struggle to find employment due to what can often be debilitating symptoms – symptoms that are so invisible that disability won’t even take a look at them.

Videos for This Week

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Strange Symptoms, Empathy and the Call of the Mystic

The call of the mystic is often accompanied by the gift of empathy – the ability to feel what other people are feeling, and to feel things that are happening in the world. This gift of empathy is often identified by strange, otherwise unexplainable physical and emotional symptoms: physical pain, vertigo, ringing in the ears, dizziness, nausea, migraines, visual disturbances, unexplained sorrow, anxiety, grief, fear, etc. While it’s important to consult a medical doctor in the event these symptoms have a medical and treatable cause. If not, it might just be that you’re an empath.

Soul Lessons – Tonglen

In this video, you will learn about and be guided in a Tonglen practice. Tonglen is a powerful and effective practice for transforming our inner wounds, compulsions, past trauma, and societal conditioning. It’s a great remedy for guilt, shame, loneliness, anxiety, and so much more.

The Way of Love – The “G” Word

This week’s Way of Love Video Podcast explores the “G-word.” Humanity’s evolution as it relates to our concepts of that from whence we came. Is it the old man in the sky? A many-armed God? Or will our human conceptualizations of the Source always fall short of what “G” really is?

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Being a Human Barometer is Hard

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 3 Comments

It seems no matter how much training and practice I have put in to being an objective observer of this world, remaining emotionally detached from the ongoing violence that plagues our world, my body has something else to say. When collective attention is directed at another of the many violent events of our world, I feel it. No amount of spiritual practice or discipline seems to change that.  I feel the violence in every cell of my physical body, and it hurts.  It hurts both physically and emotionally as the collective emotions around said-events creep into my being.  As my mind is saying, “another day another shooting” (how sad is it that for many of us it has come to this!) my body is collapsing in on itself – writhing in the collective pain of disappointment, fear, sorrow, and an increasing feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness. 

Being a human barometer is hard.

Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in the shoes of another so that we can understand their struggle, their suffering, and their pain.  Being an empath places us in those shoes whether we choose to be there or not.  Being an empath allows us to literally feel the physical sensations and emotions of another.  Being an empath is like having a body that is constantly testing the “pressure” of our world.  Like a barometer, we cannot turn ourselves “off.”  We are always “on” feeling what is happening in our world, or what is about to happen.   We might not know what it is we are feeling…but believe me

WE ARE FEELING IT!

As a Capricorn who has mastered the fine art of detachment, who is doggedly self-sufficient and (on good days) believes I can accomplish anything, I keep forgetting the debilitating reality of being an empath. When the barometer that I am reads “high pressure” I simply cannot function. My ego tries to push through it so I can do “the work” I have been programmed to believe I need to be doing to “survive” in this world and to be “a productive member of society.”  The harder I push against the high pressure reading, the sicker I become, reminding me of the Buddhist saying, “What we resist will persist.”  UGH! 

Being an empath is hard!

So what is one to do?  As the past week has reminded me, there is NOTHING I can do.  Instead, I am invited to surrender.  To just be. To sit in the yuck.  To feel it.  To dive deep into it.  To bring it into my prayers and to surround whatever it is I’m feeling with love.  I find I really have not other choice.  I can’t turn the barometer off and I cannot turn away from the pain of our world.  What I can do is remember that as I am allowing myself to be with the pain that the world may not be able to be with on its own, in some small way the pain is being healed and the path cleared for humanity to begin making a different choice – even if it kills me.

What are your experiences of being an empath?  How have you come to understand this gift and its calling?