finding peace

When September Ends

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I’m hoping that what comes through me here today provides some sort of comfort, or at the very least, validation and affirmation for the small community that finds its way here.

September sucked.

I can’t even begin to point at the whys or the hows of it, but September was a truly challenging month, for me, and for many others I know. I would be easy to point our fingers at the obvious – certain political and global events that cast the world into a frenzy. But that’s only on the macro. Closer to home, it seems that every person I know was faced with some sort of bizarre fuckery during the strange month of September.

For me, the strangeness included bizarre human behaviors, out of left-field conflicts, unhealthy people trying to project their unhealed shit on me, and over $600.00 in unexpected expenses.

All of the above is pretty much par for the course, but when I’m draining what little I have of a savings account to cover September’s extra expenses, I find myself in a place of real doubt and fear, and all of my most vulnerable questions resurface.

“Not having enough ($)” really is my core fear and the one that has been the most stubborn lesson for me in this life.

So this morning, as I dared to look at my checking account balance, and felt the visceral fears arise, I did the only thing I know to do:

I prayed.

Then I was led to a few resources that provided comfort and reassurance. In these I was reminded that THIS MOMENT is a temporary thing. THIS MOMENT is not the herald of doom.  Neither is it the object of my fate.

I was also reminded of the strange miracles that happened in the midst of September’s perceived struggles – miracles that arose out of what initially felt like doom. Certain ghosts of my past paid me a visit and, in these visits, old wounds and deep pain resurfaced. But once I was able to identify the theme, the miracle appeared, and a profound reconciliation took place.

This is what happens with struggle when we allow ourselves to BE WITH IT instead of trying to run away. I didn’t run when the ghosts re-emerged. I allowed myself to be with the depth of emotion and the heights of the pain. I sat with it. I raged. I wept. I raged some more.

Same with the money. I see the fear. I am aware of it. I’m fully conscious of the doubts that surface when I’m in the glut – mostly I question my place in this world and what I’m doing “wrong” with this one life I have. But like ghosts, I sit with the fear. I feel it. I pray. I ask for guidance.

This morning the guidance came. Recently, I have included a daily reading of poetry into my practice. This morning, these words from Mary Oliver pierced my anxious mind:

“Going to Walden is not so easy a thing

As a green visit. It is a slow and difficult

Trick of living, and finding it where you are.”

THIS!  We’re all looking for “Walden,” aren’t we? No matter how we define that, we are looking for that place of peace. Thoreau sought it and found it in his time at Walden Pond, but it was not the pond itself that was the source of peace. Thoreau discovered the true source of peace was within him – but he had to get quiet enough to find it. Walden gave him that quiet.

Whereas we are tempted to believe that escaping the hustle and bustle of our everyday life and struggles is what we need to find this peace, Oliver points out that everywhere is Walden. Rather, WE are Walden. What we are seeking is right here, right now, exactly where we are, and whatever is transpiring around us. We just need to be still enough, and willing to FEEL the full extent of our unease, to find it. Peace is where we are – no matter where, what, or how that is.

September comes. September ends. And still our fears remain. We do not, however, need to be the victim of those fears. Allowing ourselves to be with whatever struggles life hands us, while identifying and being with the resulting fears, is ultimately the pathway to peace.

THIS MOMENT is not our fate. Instead, it is the source of our salvation – when we have the courage to be with it….because as is always the case, “this too shall pass.”

What struggles did September bring to you?  How did you find your way through them?

The Magdalene Order of Melchizedek is a 2-year training program providing participants instruction, guidance and support in the deep work of inner liberation.

Learn more here.

Building Your Fortress of Peace

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

Because I have an overly active mind and one that is geared toward looking for how things could be better, I am vulnerable to the co-dependent compulsion to want to fix things and save people. This inherent and conditioned way of being has gotten me in trouble my entire life – most often because people either didn’t ask for my help or advise, or they don’t have the true desire to make the changes that would be necessary to better their lives or the unhealthy situation in which they find themselves.

The end result is that rather than being a help for others, I find myself haunted by wishes, hopes, and dreams for other people’s salvation, which are ultimately a harm to me as these thoughts increase my frustration and anxiety, and often lead to the resentment and depression that arises when our gifts are not being utilized.

Recently, I became acutely aware of this tendency in myself to focusing on other people’s pain and fixating on trying to fix it. The current political climate has only made things worse. In all of this, I have become aware of the fact that all I’m doing is harm to myself by continuing to engage in this habitual behavior, and that it was time to stop.

Stopping the compulsion of allowing my own energy, gifts, thoughts, and intentions to be drawn away from me and toward other people’s difficulties, fears, and pain is easier said than done. It takes diligent and focused effort to undo sixty years of conditioned behavior. I am, however, determined to end this cycle so that my gifts can be better utilized, and so I can return myself to peace.

The first step of this practice began with admitting the problem. Then, I turned my attention inward (to the Divine within) and asked for guidance and support in ending this behavior.

What first came through was the “sealing the jar” practice I shared the other day.

Then, it came in a focused mindfulness practice where I focused my thoughts and attention on a still place within myself – specifically, gazing within myself to a spot between my eyes, inside my skull.

Today, what came through was a deepening of that practice in which this focused attention began to build itself first into a castle, eventually becoming a fortress (I saw the fortress as a kind of Winterfell). This is a practice I’m happy to share here, trusting that you will find your own expression of a similar practice.

The practice, as always, begins with awareness.  In this case, becoming aware of all the ways in which your energy, thoughts, desires, hopes, are dragged outside of you and toward another person or group of persons. You may recognize the energy being drawn off of you in your own feelings of worry, fretfulness, anxiety, or concern. (It’s not that concern for others is bad. It’s that fixating on other people’s concerns distracts us from what we need to be doing for ourselves to remain at peace.) Once you are aware of the energy being drawn off of you, instead of following the thoughts or the energy, draw your awareness and thoughts inward. As described above, I found it helpful to focus on a place deep in my mind, specifically to a place between my eyeballs, inside of my skull. (I know, weird image, but it worked for me.)  NOW, hold your focus on that spot. WHEN you find your mind and attention drifting outside of you, bring it back to that focal point. Do this again and again and again (infinity), every single time you find your attention drifting somewhere outside of you. Over time, as you tend to this practice. you will begin to feel a decrease in anxiety and an increase in peace.

As you become familiar with this practice and chip away at the conditioned habit, you will begin to notice increasingly subtle ways in which your energy is being drawn off of you. Now it is time to build your fortress. Remaining in the practice of inward gazing, begin to become aware of the energy around you. The more we keep our energy to ourselves, the more safe and secure we are able to feel in our bodies.  This increasing sense of empowerment over maintaining our own state of inner peace becomes like a stone wall surrounding us. In essence, as we remain with this practice we are unconsciously building a fortress around ourselves where we feel safe, secure, and protected. The next part is the fun part – taking note of what your castle or fortress looks like?  Allow your fortress to blossom in your mind, taking on its own unique appearance. This fortress will be the touchstone you can return to every time you feel your peace disturbed by external people or situations.

The truest gift of this practice is empowerment for it is not someone outside of you who is providing this sense of safety or protection, it is yourself.  You have always had this power, but have been conditioned to believe otherwise. As you take back your own power through this practice, you are saving yourself, and coming to understand that the only person that ever needed saving was you and that you are the only one who can truly save you.  No longer will you be compelled to seek outside of yourself for someone to save you as you have saved yourself.

Patriarchal conditioning is partly to blame for our search for both an outside savior, and for the belief that it is our task or duty to save or fix others.

In this 6-week LIVE online course, you will learn to identify the patriarchal conditioning that continues to imprison you and learn how to undo this conditioning so that you might know a sense of inner peace and empowerment.

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The Practice of Non-Interference

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

The world is ruled by letting things take their course.

It cannot be ruled by interfering

(Tao Te Ching Verse 48)

  • The wildfires in California.
  • The genocide in Sudan.
  • The destruction of Gaza and Syria
  • The war in Ukraine
  • The aftermath of Hurricane Helene

These are just a few of the devastatingly destructive experiences that are in the forefront of our minds – all in some way brought about by the actions of human beings. We pray for those affected. We hold them in our thoughts. We wish, and hope, and plead for things to change so that the world might live in peace and humans might be safe from other people’s actions.

When we have the resources and the opportunity and it is within our power to do so, we take action – like my friends with The Beacon Network who have been boots on the ground providing help and support to those areas impacted by Hurricane Helene. Most of the time, and in most cases, however, there is literally nothing we can do. All we can do is stand back and watch these events unfold and perhaps grieve for those affected and hope these devastating experiences never come our way.

Grieving, and hoping, however, do nothing to ease the anxiety we feel over the suffering of others. Whether our anxiety is fear over the possibility that these kinds of events might find their way to us, or empathetic concern for those harmed, the impact is the same. We experience fear, unrest, worry, concern, and maybe even panic. In an attempt to calm our anxiety, we ruminate about all the ways we might protect ourselves from such disasters, how we might help those who have been harmed, we fixate on the terror that those who are facing these horrific events might be feeling. Again, none of this calms our anxiety. In fact, it likely makes it worse.

Fixating on the devastation others are experiencing or creating for themselves helps no one – lease of all ourselves, most of all those affected. All this misplaced worry does is cause us harm and prevents us from being present to what is around us and within our field of influence or control.

We cannot fix it. We cannot solve it. We could have done nothing to prevent it. We cannot save humanity from the devastation brought about by their own actions. As is true each and every day, the only one we can truly save is ourselves – and even that is debatable (when it is our time, it is our time, period!).

Soooooooooo, what do we do when humanity is destroying itself and the world along with them? We get out of the way.

I know!  I know!  I can hear the collective gasp, “How can we just stand back and watch the world go up in flame?”

This is where the wisdom of the ancients provides us some guidance and support:

From Ecclesiastes (3: 1-8):

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

From Jesus (MT 6: 25-27):

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

From HH the Dalai Lama:

“If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can’t be solved, worrying will do no good.”

From the Quran (Surah Al-Imran Ayat 173):

“Sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs.”

From the Tao Te Ching (vs 48):

In the pursuit of Tao, every day something is dropped.

Less and less is done

Until non-action is achieved.

When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.

The world is ruled by letting things take their course.

It cannot be ruled by interfering.

In short, the wisdom teachers know through their own personal experience that the closer one draws to Source (God, Tao, Presence, Truth, Love, etc.), the more we are able to meet the reality of the human experience from a place of equanimity. We are able to ride the joy, the sorrow, the celebration, and tragedy without getting caught up in any of it. In the face of tragedy, especially, we experience our initial human and empathetic reaction (anxiety, fear, worry), but we are then able to walk ourselves back and see the tragedy through the wider lens of the human experience and recognize that this too serves a higher purpose. Maybe the tragedy begins to wake people up. Perhaps it calls them into action. Maybe it invites them to make a change in their own life. Or quite possibly, they see it as something over which they have no influence or control, so they are able to let it go and experience the restoration of peace.

As human beings, survival is our first instinct, so it is natural to feel anxiety or worry in the face of devastation. Equally is it natural for our instinctual response to drive us to seek out ways to keep ourselves safe. It is wisdom, however, that allows us to move beyond those initial instinctual reactions and ask ourselves over what we actually have influence or control. If nothing, then the invitation is to let it go, trusting the natural unfolding of the human experience while turning back to ourselves which in truth is the only place we can actually know peace.

Into the Wilderness provides a process and protocol to support you in cultivating inner peace, non-attachment, and to heal from the conditioning that drives us to try to interfere in those things that are actually outside of our control.

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Learn more HERE.