We live in a world that is psychologically and emotionally underdeveloped. As a result, we are continually living under the burden of other people’s unhealed wounds, unacknowledged fears, anxiety, or shame.
We are globally conditioned to accept the projections of other people’s wounds as our own, often resulting in feelings of guilt or shame for things that are not even ours to carry.
We are so conditioned by these patterns of projected blame that as I write these words, the majority of those reading might have no idea about what I’m speaking. Let me put it plainly:
When we suppress, repress, or ignore our own unacknowledged fears, anxiety, or shame, and when we deny our past wounds and trauma without doing the work of healing them, they are bound to come out sideways in actions and behaviors that are harmful to ourselves, and others, and sometimes both.
Let me provide an example of this pattern of projected blame of which I have been guilty in the past:
As a divorced mother of two, finances have often been tight. As a result, I have suffered anxiety around money. Afraid there wouldn’t be enough to pay our bills, and anxious about unexpected expenses or (not unreasonable) requests from my kids. In the early years after divorce, I often found myself snapping at my kids when they would ask for money for essential and non-essential needs, or complaining about back to school shopping and all the added expenses that came up that time of year. It wasn’t my kids’ fault that money was tight or that I was anxious about money, but I’m certain that it is possible that my reactions to expenses a) caused them to feel guilty b) may have instilled anxiety about money in them. ☹ Eventually, I caught my actions, but the damages had already been done. (Sorry M and W!) I continue to have anxiety around money and guilt when I spend money, but at least I can acknowledge it and no longer project blame over my own fear onto other innocent parties.
This is just one simple example of how we, as humans, project blame, guilt, shame, anxiety, on to other innocent parties, instead of taking the time to identify our own wounds, acknowledge them, cease from making them someone else’s fault, and do the deep inner work of healing them so that we are a) no longer doing harm to ourselves and b) no longer doing harm to others.
I’m convinced that these unacknowledged fears, shame, guilt, past traumas, etc. are the cause of every single conflict in our world, from the simplest misunderstanding between friends to the global catastrophes of war.
As it relates to war, here’s another easy example. The holocaust of World War II was wholly a result of Hitler’s Germany needing a scapegoat from the traumas of WWI. The easy scapegoat was a race of people that unwittingly became the projection of these unhealed wounds. 6 million people were violently imprisoned and killed because of these projected wounds. One race of people made to carry the blame for another group of people’s shame, grief, fear, etc. Fast forward to today, and the recipients of that projection (Benjamin Netanyahu and his followers) are now projecting their own unhealed wounds by enacting their own holocaust against the Palestinians.
Unhealed wounds of shame, guilt, anxiety, trauma, etc. projected outward simply create more of the same. Wound begets wound. Shame begets shame. Hatred fosters hatred. Unhealed trauma is likely to cause trauma to another.
Let me make this really personal by asking a few questions:
- When have other people blamed you for their anger, impatience, frustration, etc., saying that it is somehow YOUR fault that they are feeling that way?
- How often have you been blamed for other people’s failures?
- When have you been made to feel ashamed for who you are and/or who you want to be?
- When has another tried to make you the cause of their unhappiness, sense of lack, inability to be successful or to perform?
- When did you then find yourself reacting by trying to make the other party happy, take over a task for them, rush over to ease their anger, etc.?
The truth is none of this was ever your fault. Instead, it was the other party’s inability to acknowledge and take responsibility for their own SHIT.
The conflicts between human beings will never be resolved until we begin to take responsibility for our own shame, unhealed wounds, etc. and stop making it everyone else’s problem. While we cannot control what other people (or nations) might do, we can begin this healing by taking responsibility for ourselves and we can start that work today.
We can also stop taking responsibility for other people’s blame.
Lauri Ann Lumby 