migraines

The truth of chronic illness

This past week, I had what I thought was going to be a routine session with my acupuncturist and Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner. It ended up everything but routine as that morning ended up being “one of my bad days” with unexpected and anxiety provoking symptoms. The acupuncture treatment helped ease the symptoms and Megan gave me instructions to follow up with my primary care doctor “just in case” there is more that needs to be explored. (My primary care and I are currently exploring a possible thyroid issue.)

It wasn’t this that made this week’s session remarkable, however, it was the thing Megan said. I’m not going to be able to repeat it verbatim but it was the exact acknowledgement that I needed to hear. In her compassionate seeing, Megan recognized the very real fact that most of the time, I feel like shit. Following that up with the masking that I do to make it through each day despite feeling like shit. I took Megan’s hand in mine and through tears, thanked her for SEEING ME.

Because this is the reality, I do feel like shit pretty much every day. Between Epstein-Barr, permanent vestibular neuritis, panic attack disorder, being a highly sensitive person, neurodivergent, and having polycystic kidney disease, my baseline is somewhere around 50-60%. I’m tired and cold all the time. I’m always suffering some version of mild vertigo (giddiness). My chronic headaches have been better, but as I write I’m on day 6 of a constant dull ache. I’m on all the medications to manage my kidney disease, and every one comes with their own set of side effects. Ugh.

I don’t write this in search of pity. I share this to reveal the whole truth about chronic illness and to point out that we live in a world that has no real support for the chronically ill. Instead, we’re forced to put on a happy face, go out into the world, work to earn money to pay our bills, grocery shop, exercise, stay fit, eat right, and not complain about the fact that while we are doing all these things to make it in this world, we often feel like complete shit. Pushing through the pain, fatigue, etc. then just makes us feel worse.

The chronically ill are invisible in our world; and yet we make up 60-90% of the American population. This means that every day, 60-90% of the people we encounter are feeling like complete shit while trying to complete the tasks required of them in a capitalistic culture. Other than disability income (which very few qualify for), there are no safety nets. Zero. Zilch. Nadda.

I can’t speak for others who suffer with chronic illness, but for me, I’ve carved out a way to make a living that (somewhat) accommodates for my vulnerabilities. At the same time, it is a constant effort to show up for work. I’m fortunate to have clients who understand if I have to miss a day or reschedule. Making this choice, however, costs me in real US dollars so I reserve that right only on my worst days. Often I show up even when feeling like I really just need to stay home and do nothing or sleep. I’m also grateful for the unexpected and often miraculous ways that financial support shows up, allowing me to be more gentle, compassionate, and caring toward my fragile body.

And today, I’m especially grateful to Megan Bartelt, L.Ac. Dipl. Ac. for through her words, I am finally feeling seen.

Do you ever get the feeling you weren’t really made for this world? That this world simply feels too loud, violent, harsh, bright, etc. etc. etc.? Me too! Do you suffer with symptoms that might indicate that this world is indeed too harsh for you? Symptoms like anxiety, panic attacks, vertigo, unexplained pain, fatigue, depression, sun or light sensitivity, tinnitus, migraines, or any other number of “unexplained illnesses with seemingly no cause and definitely no cure?” Me too. Do you find it (increasingly) difficult to be around people and have an aversion to crowds? Me too! Have you been told there might be something wrong with you? That you need to seek medical or psychological help to overcome your symptoms? Have you been told to just get over it? Do people look at you like you’re nuts when you try to explain these symptoms and how they make you feel? Have you been tempted to believe these voices because it’s what our society tells us as well? Yep. Me too!

What if there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU and the “symptoms” you are experiencing are your body’s way of telling you the world is wrong and that it has the potential to cause harm to something precious and sacred inside of you?

What if your “symptoms” are not a disease,

but instead are signs of your magic?

On day five of a full body migraine, with no evidence of a cause and no sign of a cure, this is what I am considering. What if all the symptoms I’ve been trying to manage or make go away (migraines, physical pain, intermittent vertigo) are signs of my magic – magic trying to be made known while also seeking my protection.

The truth is, I’ve been so busy drinking the patriarchal Kool-aid (work= success, hard work = more money, doing has value, being is laziness), that I have missed the opportunity to see these experiences in another light. To see these signs in another light, we must ask ourselves what magic needs? This may differ from person to person, but for me,

My magic needs:

Solitude.
Quiet.
Gentle movement.
Stillness.
A safe place to live and work.
Deep listening.
Deep seeing.
The freedom to do things in my own way and in my own time.
People with whom to share my magic.
Vehicles through which I can share my magic.
A simple lifestyle.
Honesty.
Integrity.
Authenticity.
Sacred practice.
Meaningful and purpose-filled work.
Loving friendships.
Sacred community.

Recently my magic has also reminded me to bloom where I’m planted and has done so forcibly by making it impossible for me to stray far from home (without my protective charioteers).

(The travel thing is the hardest thing for me right now! I want the freedom to go where I want to go when I want to go there – but apparently my magic has other ideas.)

This is what I’m talking about! What if the things we’ve been calling disabilities, disorders, disease, impairments, illness, etc. etc. etc. are none of these, but are instead, our magic

wanting to be known and
letting us know what keeps our magic safe and what puts it at risk.

Remember: they once burned witches!

While this is (currently) illegal in this country, believe me, our culture finds other ways to punish and do harm to women who demonstrate certain kinds of power. While they might not be able to burn us, their actions might make us feel as if they are!

Bearing this in mind, it might be helpful to take another look at our magic and the threats to its safety.

Where have your gifts been questioned/challenged?
Where have you been punished/demonized/pathologized for your gifts (sensitivities, intuitive sensations, inner knowings, visions, prophecies, etc.)?
Where have you been told you’re crazy for knowing/sensing certain things?
When have you walked into a room and had the immediate sensation you should run?
Where have people clung to you and drawn energy and power from you, making you feel drained?
What environments or people feel draining?
What feels like pressure to you (expectations, the wagging finger of “should”)?
When have you been told you’re being judgmental when you share your bad feelings about a person you hardly know?
When have you been called a bitch for setting boundaries?
Where have others tried to damage your reputation or harbored jealousy over you?

All of the above are examples of how our magic is being threatened, along with an invitation to be more mindful of what our magic needs to feel safe and sacred. There is no one who can care for our magic but ourselves. There is no one who can create the space and environment in which our magic can survive and thrive but ourselves. Isn’t it time we do for ourselves what we so readily do for others?

Your magic is a sacred gift. Give yourself permission to treat it that way – no matter what society tells you otherwise!

What is Your Magic?

Each and every one of us has our own unique magic. Soul Gifts provides an opportunity to explore the depths of what your gifts might be so that you can claim them, while freeing yourself from the burden of trying to carry gifts that are not yours.

Learn more HERE