shame

You, Me, and the Apocalypse

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

caring for ourselves during societal collapse

I don’t know how many times I have to write about this for me to get it, but here we are again. (a nod of gratitude to the Netflix series of the same name for the title of today’s musing)

We are living through the collapse of the empire – the world as we have known it – and unless we are somehow benefitting from said-collapse, we are negatively feeling it.  The impact of this collapse has a universal component – some suffering more than others from the almost nuclear fallout of an unsustainable system imploding upon itself. The recent battle over SNAP benefits and healthcare subsidies are two such examples.

As an empath, I am feeling the effects of this collapse mostly physically. My whole body hurts. I’ve had a headache and vertigo for a week. I’m exhausted. My anxiety feels palpable. It feels as if my entire system is collapsing under the weight of what I have no choice but to see, hear, and feel. This seeing, hearing, and feeling, are coming out in symptoms that might even be concerning. Is the collapsing world actually killing me?  On some days it feels like it might.

I could repeat what I have already written ad nauseum about the inevitability of this collapse. Suffice it to say, humanity brought this upon itself in creating systems built on fear, power, and control. Systems built on anything other than unity and love cannot endure. Henceforth, here we are.

Being that we have no control over this collapse and there is nothing we can do to save humanity from themselves, what are we to do? The short answer is this: CARE FOR OURSELVES. As is always true, the only person over whom we have any measure of control (even this is debatable), is ourselves.

For empaths, and others feeling the weight of societal collapse, caring for ourselves means turning the tables on the societal rules that have kept us imprisoned by achievement, duty and obedience to the system. No longer can we (or should we) attempt to continue at the pace expected of us by western society. “Drive, strive, achieve,” in and of themselves are unsustainable. For the sake of our own well-being, many of us will have to unplug from this paradigm, creating space for ourselves where we are of value, simply for who we are, not what we do. This is a difficult task as we have been conditioned by lifetimes of reproach and shame to live by society’s rules.

Humanity was never meant to exist in a hierarchy. Instead, we were meant to live in collaborative support of one another – ensuring that the needs of the all, not just the few, are met.

Caring for ourselves begins by saying no. Saying no to anything and everything that is not life-giving. Saying no to the expectations of others. Saying no to the enculturated shoulds. Saying no to manipulation, fear, power, and control.

Saying no starts with identification. How has the system attempted to manipulate you? (advertising is one obvious example, as is the entire system of politics). Where have you been told you were less-than because of something that is inherently you (skin color, gender, sexual orientation, neurodiversity, economic status, ability to work, etc.)? Where have you been taught to feel shame for your needs, emotions, way of moving through the world.

Shame is the number one weapon of the status quo, and thereby, the collapsing system. Unlearning shame is one of the most important and helpful things you can do for yourself.

After learning to say no, the next step in caring for ourselves is learning how to say yes. Saying yes to all those things that we need to feel supported. Say yes to naps. Say yes to acts of coziness. Say yes to that which feeds you emotionally, mentally, and physically. Say yes to what feeds your soul, gives you joy, and makes you feel content.

Life is not about meaning. Neither are we here to find fulfilment. We are here to find peace in the midst of the human experiment even/especially when the experiment seems to be failing. Caring for ourselves means finding equanimity in the violent throes of societal collapse while being open to the rapturous visions of something new trying to take its place.

How are you surviving this apocalyptic time?

Support for these times:

Perfection vs. Wholeness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

There exists a major flaw in the new age, self-improvement, enlightenment, and ascension industries:

The goal of human development is not perfection.

Instead, it is wholeness.

Wholeness means that we are content and grounded in ourselves “warts and all.” Whereas we may be ever-striving for personal growth, individuation, and self-actualization, we have moved beyond picking apart and shaming ourselves for the inherent imperfections of being human. While self-awareness and personal accountability provide evidence of psychological and emotional maturity, wholeness allows for the fact that mistakes will still occur and that our value is not diminished by those mistakes. Wholeness empowers us to understand that the mind is going to do what the mind is meant to do – which is to keep us safe, and that our thoughts alone have absolutely nothing to do with the events of our lives. We have gained the wisdom in acknowledging that life happens and that we are neither the creator nor the destroyer of our fate. When illness or tragedy strike, we allow ourselves time and space for grieving without the added burden of the shame-based beliefs that these were somehow our fault because of our thinking or punishment for something we did “wrong.”

Wholeness understands that life itself is neutral and free from judgment. Life is not out to get people. Neither does life choose favorites. Each human being is here for their own journey – a journey that really has nothing to do with our own. Wholeness leaves each to their own. This does not mean, however, that in wholeness we don’t judge, condemn, curse, or rage about the actions of another. This is simply us being human. Life doesn’t judge. Humans do.

Wholeness allows for the gritty aspects of our humanness. Whereas we may be actively pursuing a reduction in judgement (of self and others), a decrease in anxiety, a lessening of rage, a dwindling of jealousy, we recognize that we are not here to be perfect, we are here to be human.

As human beings, we are perfectly imperfect. So what if we rage on about the injustices in our world, or hold grudges against those who have harmed us? None of these means we have failed in our desire to ascend, grow in enlightenment, or become self-actualized. In fact, if we can forgive ourselves of our humanness, and take each “mistake” as a lesson, then we have successfully grown in wholeness.

Wholeness, not perfection is the purpose of the human journey. Isn’t it time we shake free of the burden of shame, including that which has been heaped upon us by a self-help industry wrapped up in its own illusions of perfection while denying people of the Love that they already are?

Enriching Your Practice

Click on the images below to learn more.

When Your Demons Come Home to Roost

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Letters from Hell #6

Today is a bad day. This has been a difficult weekend. For no (every) reason whatsoever, I have been feeling profoundly sad bordering on depressed. This is a stuck kind of sorrow compounded by a prescription antidepressant that makes it really difficult for me to cry. I feel like I’ve got a 20 ton boulder sitting on my chest, just behind my sternum.

Usually, I know what to do with this kind of sorrow.  I sit with it. I allow myself to feel it. I apply Tonglen or Ho’oponopono to it. This time, neither seem to be budging the load.

I allowed myself a weekend of self-care. I planned for nothing and allowed myself to simply rest. I didn’t much have a choice as I’ve also been feeling the consequences of autumn allergies. To put it bluntly I feel like SH*T. I don’t do well when I’m sick. I tend to fall into judgment, self-loathing, and self-flagellation at the hands of my inner critic who looks an awful lot like the “Shame nun” from Game of Thrones. “Shame.  Shame.  Shame.”

I’m not good at being vulnerable. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t want to invite anyone into my vulnerability. There is really nothing anyone can say that will make it better when I’m feeling this way. I know I just need to wait it out.

This morning I wrote in my journal.  These are the words that surfaced:

Taking this moment to pause. Suffering fall allergies and the pure exhaustion of a forced life. How much have I forced my self to be and do ____________ instead of just being myself. I’m tired. I feel stuck, but I’m not sure I really care. I’ve worn out my dreams.

I’ve worn out my dreams.

My dreams of a forever love.

Dreams of becoming a successful writer.

Fantasies of becoming a sought-after teacher.

Herein lies at least one face of this deep sorrow. I’m grieving. I’m grieving the failure of the goals, wishes, and dreams I had for my life and which I pursued with a vengeance. No one can say that I didn’t try (though I know some who will tell me I didn’t try hard enough or in the right way – to them I say, whatever).

Life doesn’t always give us what we want. And when we don’t get what we want, we can be like Sisyphus vainly attempting to roll the boulder up the mountain, killing ourselves in the process, or step aside, letting gravity take the boulder to where it naturally wants to go.

At some point in our lives, we are all faced with a crowd of our unrealized dreams. We can cling to or try to revive these dreams, or we can surrender to the fact that maybe these dreams were never meant to be fulfilled and/or that the journey was the point, and not the destination.

It still makes me mad. I know what my gifts are and on some days it just kills me to know that they are not being utilized.

I grieve this as well.

As the Rolling Stones once said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you’ll find, you get what you need.” (Hmmm….that might be bullshit too….unless they’re including getting what we need only by the skin of our teeth.)

Being human is hard. Today is one of those days where it feels especially hard. I don’t like feeling sad or vulnerable. I don’t appreciate the demons of self-doubt, personal loathing, or shame that dance around in my head when I’m feeling this way. I also know better than to try to “change my thoughts” (toxic positivity) in an attempt to make the demons go away.

Instead, I sit with the demons. I call each of them forward. And I do my best to LOVE them. Each of them arose out of some kind of need – whether it be the need to belong, the need to believe the lies of perceived authority, or to keep me in compliance with the system, they came as some kind of support. Additionally, they show up to remind me of the deep pain I’m still carrying from trauma I’ve experienced in my life, along with an invitation to tend to yet another deeper layer of that pain that is now ready to be seen, felt, processed and released.

As is always true of the spiritual journey – wash, rinse repeat. So back to the demons I go to hear what they have to offer me in the way of healing this time.

Thank you sirs, may I have another.

Undoing Toxic Capitalistic Conditioning

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

I am not afraid to publicly admit my vulnerability or share my woundedness. I have observed that in being open and transparent, others are often able to find healing themselves, or at the very least validation for their own feelings and experiences.

Most recently, the thing with which I am most struggling is my sense of failure and shame over where I find myself in my life. Nowhere in my life have I succeeded in the ways in which we are measured or judged in a capitalistic society. I’ve never been given opportunities for wealth. I’ve never had enough discretionary income to save or invest. I don’t have a wall full of awards. I’m not popular in the capitalistic sense of popularity. I’ve never even been “Almost Famous.”

Instead, the opportunities I’ve been given led me to a kind of calling that cannot be measured through externals but only by what is within. At one time, I received validation, affirmation, support, praise and even a sort of notoriety through said-calling, but even that was taken from me (rather, I chose obedience to a calling over obedience to an institution).

Since leaving the institution of the Catholic Church, I’ve been out in the world doing what I have felt called to do. But as of this moment, even this seems to be falling away. Instead of having something somewhat tangible to hold, I find myself doing work to pay my bills that in some ways has its own kind of reward, but which strongly suppresses what I consider to be my truest gifts. There is a sense of emptiness and loss as my gifts lay dying on the ground while I’m just trying to survive in a world that was not made for me.

I’m tired. I feel empty. I’m quite close to abandoning any and all hope of fulfillment in the sense that we’ve been conditioned to believe we are deserving of.

One thing I’ve learned in this life is that we don’t deserve shit. Hard work does not equal success. Neither does a so-called Divine calling. But how, really, is Divine Calling measured?

  • Jesus was crucified.
  • Joan of Arc was burned at the stake.
  • Edith Stein was sent to the gas chamber.
  • Maximilian Kolbe died by lethal injection.
  • Gandhi was assassinated.
  • Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated.
  • Nelson Mandella was imprisoned and tortured.

A Divine Calling provides no guarantees. And yet, for some of us, it seems we have no choice but to follow this so-called Divine path, sacrificing capitalistic rewards for something else.

Today I’m not sure what that “something else” might be. Instead, I feel like I’m drowning in a sense of failure and its accompanying shame. The voice of this shame is continually trying to convince me I did something wrong, I chose the wrong path, and my true gifts don’t really matter. Everyday I feel like I’m bumping up against an impenetrable wall keeping me from my gifts and those who find them to be of value. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking.

And I know I’m not alone. This is why I’m baring my soul. I see you. In know who you are. You are my closest friends and companions who have equally “failed” in the capitalistic sense. You are the intuitives, neurodiverse, visionaries, prophets, and sensitive souls who have found this world simply too much to bear. Many of you struggle with “chronic illness,” in a world for which you were not made. I see you.  I know you.  I’ve heard your stories. Our stories are very much the same.

This too was Jesus’ story and the story of many who followed him:

“I have given them your Word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.”  John 17: 14-16

Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world.” John 18:36

As those who are called to be and do the work of Love in a world that wants to divide through hatred, we, like Jesus, are not of this world. Instead, we are working on a different plane (so to speak). The work we do is vibrational. It is spiritual. It is energetic. It is intangible and subjective. It cannot be measured by either mathematics, physics, or capitalism. While we may know and believe this in the depths of our soul, this does not free us from the conflict between what our hearts know and what the world wants us to believe. This is where our spiritual practice becomes ever-more important. For me it is this:

  1. I first had to recognize the sense of failure and shame – in how it has been coming out sideways, then as it is anchored in my conditioning.
  2. Then, through inner pondering, I had to identify the nature and source of that shame. Where did I learn this? How is it part of my conditioning? How is it proving harmful.
  3. Then, I chose a self-forgiveness practice to support the healing and release of that shame.
  4. This practice is an ongoing work in progress, but I know that and know to have patience with myself as I heal.
  5. I’m also seeing all the ways in which I try to barrel through the pain of this shame and am TRYING to choose self-care and rest over forcing myself to abide by the “rules of survival.”
  6. Then comes the hard part – trusting that as I care for myself my material needs will be taken care of.

This capitalistic world is not made for us. Yet we have spent our entire lives being conditioned by its rules and measures of success. Undoing toxic capitalistic conditioning isn’t easy. But if we feel called to be Love, we have no choice but to transcend the capitalistic conditioning that has kept the entire world imprisoned. In undoing this conditioning, we are freed from this imprisonment, while providing an example that others may one day choose to follow.

Oh….and here’s a great anthem for undoing toxic capitalistic conditioning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwhBRJStz7w

Deepening Your Practic

The Authentic Freedom protocol, created by Lauri Ann Lumby, provides a solid and reliable framework for undoing toxic conditioning and healing our inner spiritual wounds. Into the Wilderness guides you through the in-depth process of learning and applying this process for the sake of your own liberation and freedom.

Learn more HERE

The Burden of Other People’s Shame

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

We live in a world that is psychologically and emotionally underdeveloped. As a result, we are continually living under the burden of other people’s unhealed wounds, unacknowledged fears, anxiety, or shame.

We are globally conditioned to accept the projections of other people’s wounds as our own, often resulting in feelings of guilt or shame for things that are not even ours to carry.

We are so conditioned by these patterns of projected blame that as I write these words, the majority of those reading might have no idea about what I’m speaking. Let me put it plainly:

When we suppress, repress, or ignore our own unacknowledged fears, anxiety, or shame, and when we deny our past wounds and trauma without doing the work of healing them, they are bound to come out sideways in actions and behaviors that are harmful to ourselves, and others, and sometimes both.

Let me provide an example of this pattern of projected blame of which I have been guilty in the past:

As a divorced mother of two, finances have often been tight. As a result, I have suffered anxiety around money. Afraid there wouldn’t be enough to pay our bills, and anxious about unexpected expenses or (not unreasonable) requests from my kids. In the early years after divorce, I often found myself snapping at my kids when they would ask for money for essential and non-essential needs, or complaining about back to school shopping and all the added expenses that came up that time of year. It wasn’t my kids’ fault that money was tight or that I was anxious about money, but I’m certain that it is possible that my reactions to expenses a) caused them to feel guilty b) may have instilled anxiety about money in them. ☹ Eventually, I caught my actions, but the damages had already been done. (Sorry M and W!) I continue to have anxiety around money and guilt when I spend money, but at least I can acknowledge it and no longer project blame over my own fear onto other innocent parties.

This is just one simple example of how we, as humans, project blame, guilt, shame, anxiety, on to other innocent parties, instead of taking the time to identify our own wounds, acknowledge them, cease from making them someone else’s fault, and do the deep inner work of healing them so that we are a) no longer doing harm to ourselves and b) no longer doing harm to others.

I’m convinced that these unacknowledged fears, shame, guilt, past traumas, etc. are the cause of every single conflict in our world, from the simplest misunderstanding between friends to the global catastrophes of war.

As it relates to war, here’s another easy example. The holocaust of World War II was wholly a result of Hitler’s Germany needing a scapegoat from the traumas of WWI. The easy scapegoat was a race of people that unwittingly became the projection of these unhealed wounds. 6 million people were violently imprisoned and killed because of these projected wounds. One race of people made to carry the blame for another group of people’s shame, grief, fear, etc. Fast forward to today, and the recipients of that projection (Benjamin Netanyahu and his followers) are now projecting their own unhealed wounds by enacting their own holocaust against the Palestinians.

Unhealed wounds of shame, guilt, anxiety, trauma, etc. projected outward simply create more of the same. Wound begets wound. Shame begets shame. Hatred fosters hatred. Unhealed trauma is likely to cause trauma to another.

Let me make this really personal by asking a few questions:

  • When have other people blamed you for their anger, impatience, frustration, etc., saying that it is somehow YOUR fault that they are feeling that way?
  • How often have you been blamed for other people’s failures?
  • When have you been made to feel ashamed for who you are and/or who you want to be?
  • When has another tried to make you the cause of their unhappiness, sense of lack, inability to be successful or to perform?
  • When did you then find yourself reacting by trying to make the other party happy, take over a task for them, rush over to ease their anger, etc.?

The truth is none of this was ever your fault. Instead, it was the other party’s inability to acknowledge and take responsibility for their own SHIT.

The conflicts between human beings will never be resolved until we begin to take responsibility for our own shame, unhealed wounds, etc. and stop making it everyone else’s problem. While we cannot control what other people (or nations) might do, we can begin this healing by taking responsibility for ourselves and we can start that work today.

We can also stop taking responsibility for other people’s blame.

You Did Nothing Wrong! It’s Not Your Fault!

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I have grown increasingly weary of the new thought, new age, la la positivity movements and their “can-do” attitude subtly laced with shame and guilt. You know the routine:

  • “Think the right thoughts and you’ll get what you want.”
  • “If you don’t have what you want it’s because you aren’t thinking the right thoughts.”
  • “Don’t like your current life state?  Change your thoughts!”
  • “The state of your life is what you agreed to before you came here.”
  • “Suffering is an example of past life karma.”
  • “You must have done something wrong in a past life for this to happen….”
  • “You created this.”
  • “You create your reality.”
  • “If you want more you have to work hard.”

Yadda Yadda Yadda

On all of this I call BULL SHIT!

Seriously, the very last thing we need in our lives is a reinforcement of the messages many of us grew up with:  “You did something wrong. There’s something wrong with you.  It’s your fault. God is punishing you. God will punish you.”

Guilt. Shame. Blame. Over-responsibility.

Again, I call bullshit on this all.

Life is life. Period.

Sometimes in life we experience joy and ease. Sometimes life sucks and we die. Sometimes good things come from hard work. Sometimes only pain comes from hard work. Somedays we feel happy and joyful. Other days we feel depressed. Sometimes it seems we have the power to create our reality……..OR……..was the creation a function of privilege?

At 59 years old, I’ve learned there is really no rhyme or reason to life. Sometimes really bad people do nothing and seem to get everything they want. Often, really good people work really hard and get nothing. Perfectly healthy, really good young people get sick and die by no fault of their own, and absolutely terrible human beings get sick with a terminal illness and live for fucking ever!  No amount of thinking the right thoughts, praying the right prayers, or so-called life contracts or past life experiences change the circumstances of the human condition.

The human condition JUST IS. We have joy. We experience suffering. We find ease. We struggle. And none of this is our fault!!!!!  Our thoughts don’t dictate our life. Prayers and spells don’t change the course of fate. Life just is. And the last thing we need in the already difficult experience of being human is someone gloating about their good fortune and then telling us we don’t have what they do because we signed a life contract or thought the wrong thoughts. F*CK that SH*T!

But here is what we can do with life: Find resources and tools that help us to survive it!

  • Find a therapist.
  • Secure a spiritual director.
  • Ask your doctor for medicinal support (Zoloft is my friend).
  • Phone a friend.
  • Cultivate a daily practice that creates the space in which you can return to a place of inner peace.
  • Exercise.
  • Do what you love when you are able.
  • Drink coffee.  Eat chocolate. Love what you love in healthy amounts.
  • Find meaningful work if you are able, and if not, find something that doesn’t kill your soul.
  • Enjoy nature.
  • Create space to be fully present to your feelings: ALL OF THEM!
  • Honor your sorrow, depression, loneliness, and sense of abandonment. They all have something to teach you.
  • Find practices to free you from any and all guilt and shame based conditioning.
  • FREE YOURSELF from any and all person/teachers/tools that try to heap shame or guilt upon you.
  • And remember this:  YOU ARE A PRECIOUS AND GLORIOUS CHILD OF LOVE/God.  And if you have forgotten this, find tools to help you remember!
  • And if all else fails, exercise my favorite mantra:  F*CK This SH*T!

Tearing Down the Walls of Blame and Shame

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Prayers for a Humanity That Cannot See

I pray for a humanity that cannot see.

Lifetimes pursuing a pointless dream.

If I shout it from the rooftops or scream into the void

they’ll finally seek no more to destroy.

Lay down their arms, their fingers of blame,

tear down the walls of ignorance and shame.

Cross the divide and take down the towers

of those to whom they’ve given their power.

But alas I find they don’t want to fix.

Choosing life over death – the puppetmaster’s trick.

Heartbreaking and tragic the decision they’ve made

I watch as together they dig their own grave.

Like the death-watch beetle I speak forth their doom –

No longer later, it’s coming quite soon.

Shifting my gaze from repair to surrender

visions of new I now can remember.

The seeds have been planted, builders coming through

it’s the new world that beckons to those who see true.

Poetry Collections by Lauri Ann Lumby

Visit Lauri’s Amazon Store

Unconditioning

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Below is an excerpt from a recent post in my Whispers from the Cave interactive web series. Learn more about Whispers from the Cave below.

I woke up to twelve inches of snow this morning with likely another twelve coming. None of the roads have been plowed.  Why should they bother when the snow keeps on coming?

I don’t need a reason or an excuse to stay home in the comfort of my cave, but this weather eases the conditioned and not-yet healed guilt that sometimes surfaces in the face of just staying home.

We’re conditioned to believe we have to leave the comfort of our home to be a contributing member of society.  Work.  Family.  Friends. Social activities. All stand out as pressure to comply.  We’re accused of being lazy or anti-social for simply wanting to be home.

Being called to contemplative/monastic living presents another option – a counter-cultural option. A big part of embracing this calling is all the work we must do around unconditioning. Coming to understand it’s ok to simply be.  There’s nothing we have to do (except that which springs forth from our hearts) and there’s nowhere we have to be.

We find support for this unconditioning through community – through others embracing a similar calling.  Without the benefit of community, we must find this conditioning on our own.  Part of this unconditioning comes in simply choosing what’s right for ourselves. When the voices of guilt, shame, or self-doubt com in, however, that is when we must return AGAIN to our practice.  Through our practice, we turn inward toward ourselves where we can heal and transform those conditioned voices. 

How and where have you found support in unconditioning?

What spiritual practices have you found helpful in your journey of unconditioning?

Whispers from the Cave

Whispers from the Cave features limited edition, exclusive content examining the daily life and reflections of a modern monk living in a “cave” surrounded by ghosts.

 • 4+ episodes per month (written and recorded)

• Exclusive content (not available anywhere else)

• Interactive discussion (bring your burning questions)

• Educational and Informative

• Inspiring and Supportive

• Special pricing for the first 100 subscribers

Grab your morning cup, your favorite blanket, and snuggle in as you prepare to meet:

The Monk.

The Cave.

The Ghosts.

and their stories.

Click on the image above to learn more and join!
Learn more and join HERE

Guilt and Shame in Christianity

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Exploring the role of guilt and shame in the formation of the Christian religion

Since the time of its inception, Christianity has been a religion rife with conflict.  One such conflict is the 2000 year old battle between the two sides of the Christian message – that which is based in fear and the other which is rooted in love.  Understanding the experiences out of which Christianity emerged, one has to wonder, is the religion of Christianity merely an expression of the unresolved guilt and shame experienced by the disciples who denied and abandoned Jesus at his greatest hour of need? When we look at the long dalliance between Christianity and guilt, one has to wonder.

What follows is a “fictional” account of what may have happened:

Once upon a time, there was a bunch of fishermen who met this dude named Jesus.  They thought this Jesus was pretty cool.  First he taught them a better way to fish, and then he showed them how to walk on water.  After the theatrics he taught them how to love. These fishermen thought Jesus was the next best thing after leavened bread – something that was a luxury for fishermen – because which one among them had time to wait for bread to rise?

Things were really cool with this Jesus guy.  They got to travel.  Meet new people.  Hear amazing stories.  They got invited into the homes of those they never thought they’d be able to dine with.  They saw amazing things happen and miracles performed.  The sick were healed.  The blind were able to see.  And Jesus spoke in a way that made their heart feel warm and their soul feel at peace.

But then one day, people started to become angry over Jesus’ words.  Angry words were exchanged and the next thing the fishermen knew, their buddy Jesus was hauled off to prison and brought before the Roman governor where he was tried for treason.  Treason?  (They also heard words like blasphemy….and other scary words).  Jesus was just trying to teach people how to love.  The fishermen were surprised, but mostly they were afraid.  If people came to know that Jesus was their friend, would they be imprisoned and tried too?  So they hid.

And they kept hiding.  They heard that Jesus’ trial didn’t go well and that he had been sentenced to death.  Now they were really afraid.  So they kept hiding.  They hid all the while the women knocked on their door saying, “Come out.  Come with us.  We need to support our friend.  We need to be with him.  We need to offer our love and support.”  But the women’s pleas could not break through the fishermen’s fears.  So they continued to hide. 

They hid after the women came and told them Jesus had been crucified and that he had died.  They hid after the women came to tell them Jesus had been buried.  And they continued to hide until three days later, on the morning after the Sabbath when Mary Magdalene (Jesus’ favorite) knocked on the door and proclaimed that Jesus lived.  But even then, they only opened the door a crack, and then swiftly slammed it in Mary’s face.  “She must have lost her mind.  Jesus cannot have survived a crucifixion.  And ‘he has risen?’  What does that even mean?”

But then, Jesus himself showed up.  He walked right through the closed and bolted door and showed them.  “See.  I have not died so as never to be seen or known again.  I am now with you, always, along with the Spirit who is with and in me.” Only then did the fishermen open the door to Mary Magdalene who stood there tapping her feet with her arms across her chest…saying with her eyes, “I told you so!” For a brief moment, the disciples hung their head in shame – first because they had not listened to the Magdalene, the one Jesus favored above them all; and secondly, because they had abandoned their friend at the time of his greatest need.  But just as quickly as the guilt and shame surfaced, they began to make their excuses.

Jesus listened to their bargaining and then began to remind them of all he had taught them about peace and love and how they could experience the kingdom of God right here in the midst of the human experience.  Jesus continued to teach them, empowering them with the light of his Spirit so they might go forth and share the good news he had proclaimed:  “Turn your gaze only toward the Divine within, for here is where you will find the kingdom of God.”  (While the disciples were being tutored for the umpteenth time, Mary Magdalene and the other women were already about their mission of teaching people how to love.) Then Jesus told the disciples, “I must ascend,” and took off for good.  Now the disciples were on their own, so they did what Jesus told them to do, “go out and preach the good news.” 

This would have been all fine and good except that the male disciples could not let go of that sense of guilt and shame over having abandoned their friend.  The wound of shame festered and soon, they could only remember Jesus’ message through the lens of their unhealed shame.  As a result, they went forth preaching “the good news,” but soon it took on a new flavor.  This message was not the pure message of love Jesus had proclaimed and which Mary and the other women continued to share in the world.  Instead, the message became tainted by shame.  Instead of the overwhelmingly uplifting message of unconditional love, the love of God became conditional and wrapped in fear.  God was no longer the prodigal father of which Jesus spoke; instead he became a wrathful God making impossible demands on his children with the overarching and overwhelming threat of eternal punishment in a place called hell.  The cause of Jesus’ death became the sin of humanity.  Judas was Jesus’ betrayer and it was the Jews who killed him.  Women and sexual intercourse became the cause of original sin.  As the wound of shame continued to fester, the message of love became eclipsed to the point where it no longer remained. 

But, while the disciples who retained the wound of shame preached a message tainted with fear, those who had no shame, because they had stood by the side of their beloved teacher and friend – Mary Magdalene, Mother Mary, Lazarus, Joseph of Arimathea, Martha, the other Marys, the youngest disciple (and Jesus’ own brother) John, and a few others taught a message of love.  They went out into the world doing what Jesus taught them to do.  They began with showing people how to connect with the Divine within.  Then they supported them in coming to know that this connection – which felt like peace, love, contentment and joy – was their original nature and what Jesus called “the kingdom of God.”  Then they taught them how to connect with their own unique gifts and to hear the voice of the Divine which led them to their truth and to the purpose of their life path.  They gathered in community for meditation, contemplation and prayer.  They broke bread together and shared all things in common for the sake of the common good.  They went out into the world teaching, healing, supporting and empowering people – showing them how to be free by teaching them how to love.  In this expression, God was not to be feared but was instead, the source of unconditional and unmerited love. In this they came to know that there was indeed no separation – only love – and they lived in peace and walked softly upon the earth while diligently praying that their brothers and sisters might find healing and self-forgiveness for the guilt and shame they have been harboring for the past 2000 years.

What role have guilt or shame played in your own religious upbringing?

How do you find yourself STILL plagued by this shame-based conditioning?

LIVE ONLINE COURSE:

Freedom from Shame

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

6:30 – 8:30 pm central time

Learn more and enroll HERE

Enrollment limited to 25. Register now to reserve your seat.

Conditioned by Shame

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Shame is one of the forces of manipulation that we are currently unraveling from at this stage in our cultural/spiritual evolution.  Specifically – the shame we have been conditioned to feel by the patriarchal/hierarchical power structures who for the past 5000 years have ruled our world.  These power structures, which are rooted in fear, power and control, have fashioned “rules” from which they benefit while the rest of us suffer.  Shame is the tool they use to get us to comply with their rules. Let me offer a few examples:

  • If you anger, disappoint or turn away from “god” you will go to hell and here are the ways you will anger and disappoint “god.”
  • If you don’t dress a certain way, carry a certain purse, if your body isn’t a certain size, people won’t love you.
  • If you don’t succeed in school, you are a failure.
  • If you didn’t learn the lesson, or if you did learn it but can’t communicate it in the way we expect you to, you will get a bad grade.
  • If you don’t pay your bills on time, you will be punished.
  • If you don’t make a certain amount of money, you are a failure.
  • If you are sick and need medical care, but don’t have money to pay for it, you are lazy.
  • If you are a working mother and can’t get to work on time because you have to take your child to work, you will be fired.
  • If you got pregnant out of wedlock, you are a whore.
  • If you are having sex outside of marriage you are also a whore.
  • If you are raped, it’s your fault.

The list goes on and on and on.

These are the threats that have been doled out to us by the existing power structures to imprison us with fear and manipulate us with shame. 

NO MORE! 

It is time for us to unravel from this shame by:

  1. Refusing its power over us.
  2. Taking back our own power.
  3. Healing the wounds that have been implanted within us by this shame so that we are less likely to be vulnerable to shame’s manipulations.

Join us for our first Master class of 2023:

Freedom from Shame

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

6:30 – 8:30 pm central time

LIVE via ZOOM

Learn more and enroll HERE

Enrollment limited to 25. Register now and reserve your seat.