Undoing Conditioning

Being Gentle with Ourselves

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

It is near impossible to ignore the death throes of the dying empire. We are bombarded with the symptoms every day – often every minute of every day. It is constant and relentless.

What we may forget to heed, however, is the credit we are due for enduring the constant assault on our being – our bodies, minds, and spirits are all suffering from the assault of a world gone mad. Admittedly, “enduring” might be overreach when on most days simply surviving feels like an enormous effort. The fact that you’re reading this, however, tells me that at the very least, you are surviving. Perhaps just by the skin of your teeth – but you’re still here.  That’s the point.

The dying world is not meant to destroy us (though there will be those destroyed by the collapse). It will test and challenge us. In direct opposition to our conditioning, the purpose of the test is not so that we might exert our strength or bolster our will. Instead, the invitation in the face of the dying system is to learn how to be soft. Instead of toughening us, the empire’s collapse is meant to make us more gentle. Gentle with ourselves – and others.

Learning to be gentle starts with ourselves. It begins with a thorough examination of our conditioning and all the ways we were ridiculed, condemned, criticized or rejected for being sensitive, kind, quiet, compassionate, caring, sharing, and gentle. The examination continues by exploring how our conditioning told us how we should be instead: strong, brave, courageous, competitive, tough, bullet-proof, etc. In the world that is dying, we have not been rewarded for being gentle – only for being tough. The new world that we are moving into will reward us for being gentle.

Choosing that new world starts today. Give yourself credit for the suffering you have endured in your life thus far. Acknowledge the losses, betrayals, deceptions, and heartbreaks you have suffered. If you have suffered trauma, offer yourself grace when your past traumas are triggered. Give yourself permission to do nothing, to wallow, to “rot” (as Gen Z’s say). If your panic or fear are triggered and your brain goes numb, allow yourself to check out. Be quiet. Be still.  BE NON-Productive (our value is NOT determined by our productivity – as much as we’ve been told otherwise)!  Defy the capitalistic, patriarchal expectations around striving after achievement, seeking to be known or seen. Popularity does not determine our value!  When you’re feeling sad – be sad. Weep, cry, wail, flail. Do whatever you need to do to be present with your feelings and then take a rest. Nap. Sleep. Read. Listen to music. Take a day or three to do absolutely nothing. Hide under the covers. Retreat into your cave. Walk slowly and gently. Be conscious of your breathing and slow it down. Close your eyes and just listen to the quiet of the universe. Meditate. Pray. Be simple with your meals. No one expects you to be Martha Stewart. Say no to invitations. Don’t buy into the shoulds of holidays. Skip the decorations and the pressure.

And more than any of this – be gentle with yourself. Cease from judging your feelings and just accept them as they are. Don’t condemn yourself for your sensitivity – celebrate it. Hold yourself in gently fierce loving care when you feel like you are falling apart. Be compassionate with yourself when you break down or shut down or dissociate. Don’t measure your day by how you are feeling. If it takes you 3 days or a week to get through a trigger response, then that’s exactly what you needed. Celebrate your willingness to give yourself exactly what you need.

Journeying through the collapse of an empire is an experience like no other. As it’s been several hundred years since the most recent collapse of western civilization, we’re entitled to feel burdened and overwhelmed. We also know from the past that it is not the loud or the brave who survived, but those who knew how to move quietly, slowly, even invisibly, and who more than anything, knew how to be loving toward themselves, gentle and caring toward others. Let this be our invitation as we navigate the death throes – that our gentleness be our salvation.

Navigating Loneliness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

Loneliness is a natural consequence of spiritual awakening. As we grow spiritually, turning inward to come to know and more fully embrace our true selves, we find the world and the life we were living less satisfying. We find ourselves seeing the illusion and falsehoods of the traditional systems of the world and find these increasingly uncomfortable. We find that we no longer fit in with the jobs, people, and experiences to which we had been giving time and attention. As we grow spiritually, we find that we never really did fit into these roles, but that these were just masks we wore to be accepted and acceptable to the system.

The more we tend to our inner journey, the less interest we have in spending time or energy with anyone or on anything that isn’t supportive of our truth. We cut away the relationships that are harmful or draining while cultivating a more peaceful and gentle life. Eventually, we discover that our “friend” circle has become very small – made up mostly of other people who have done similar spiritual work on themselves – and our relationships with these people are less about a need for belonging or gaining acceptance, and more about mutual sharing, support, and respect.

The need to belong is one of the greatest hurdles to becoming whole. The need to belong arises out of a codependent need for acceptance, and the price of that belonging is often no less than our souls. We lose ourselves in our compulsive need to be loved and accepted when the only love we truly need is the love we have for ourselves. Many become stunted in their spiritual growth because they are afraid of losing that (false) sense of belonging and because they are afraid of being alone.

Being alone is in fact one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves. It is in solitude that we are quiet and still enough for our deepest wounds, unhealed traumas, unnamed and unmanaged fears have the room to surface. It is because of this predictable dynamic that many avoid the solitude that their soul desperately needs. Loneliness is one of the aspects of our conditioning that surfaces in that space of being alone.

Loneliness is at once natural, and a conditioned response based on fear. As a species, it has been demonstrated that we need community to survive. Being wholly alone is not healthy for anyone. We need human interaction. As a species, we are interdependent. We could not survive without the collaborative work of the pack – each individual sharing their own unique gifts for the sake of their own fulfillment, and in service to the all. Loneliness, in this case, is a gentle reminder that we need human connection.

Loneliness as a response to fear, however, is less about our natural inclination toward tribal interaction, and more about the shield that flies up in protection of the ego (false self) when we are getting closest to our deepest wounds. The ego could be said to have its own life based on conditioning and on the fears that keep us imprisoned in the system. The ego defends itself when it feels threatened. It does not want us to heal or grow because with every step toward healing, a piece of the ego dies. Loneliness is one of the shields the ego throws up in defense of itself.

When loneliness arises in our consciousness, our first inclination is to find a solution to loneliness – to make it go away. We desperately seek after anything that will fill that emptiness that accompanies loneliness. Some turn to food, drugs, or alcohol. Others turn to compulsive activity. Others seek for someone (anyone) to make them feel less alone. Sometimes, the someone arrives disguised as love, but most often proves itself to be just another face of dysfunction.

These efforts to fill the hole left behind by loneliness will always fail, as the result of these attempts are fleeting and impermanent at best. Eventually, we end up right back in a pit of loneliness, except this time, the pit has grown deeper.

The actual remedy to loneliness exists, not in resisting it or trying to make it go away, but in being with the loneliness to find out what it has to say to us. What is the fear that loneliness has hiding behind or beneath it? Is it the fear that we are not loved? Is it the fear that we are alone? Is it the fear that we are insignificant and have nothing to share in the world? Once we can identify the fear, then we can do the work of healing it, and in that healing, becoming free of that fear.

One of the greatest gifts I have given to myself, was a 30 day loneliness practice. I was somewhat newly divorced and thinking I needed to find a new person who would love me. It turned out the person I was really looking for to love me was myself. The loneliness practice supported me in arriving at that knowledge and in doing the healing work that allowed me to be mostly free of loneliness.

For the loneliness practice, I turned to Tonglen. Tonglen is a mindfulness practice from the Tibetan Buddhist practice that supports us in being with our pain, our loneliness, and our fears.  Being with these wounded aspects of ourselves allows us to be healed of them. Here are my instructions for Tonglen taken from my online course “Starting a Spiritual Practice:”

Tonglen—a Tibetan Buddhist Healing Practice

Tonglen is a simple breathing and visualization practice that helps us to release powerful,

negative feelings and emotions.  Instinctively, when we experience a negative feeling or  

emotion, we are compelled to push the feeling away.  Tonglen invites us to do the opposite – to bring the feeling in so that it can be healed, transformed and released.

1) First, we FEEL the feeling. We allow ourselves to welcome it instead of pushing it away.

2) As we feel the feeling, we identify where in our body we are feeling it. 

3) If possible, we name the feeling (is it shame, hatred, anger, resentment, sorry, guilt, betrayal, etc.)

4) After we have identified where in our body we are feeling and feeling and if possible,

identified what the feeling is, then we breathe into the feeling.  More specifically, we breathe into the place in our body where we are feeling the feeling….while allowing ourselves to feel it. 

5) After breathing into the feeling, we breathe out love. While breathing our love, we might

also visualize what love looks like—maybe it is light and it has a color, perhaps it is the shape of a heart or the wind.  

6) As we breathe out love, we imagine it going out into the world, maybe even to any person

or persons who may be somehow connected to the negative emotion we are feeling. 

7) We continue this process of feeling the feeling, breathing it into our bodies and breathing

out love until we either feel a shift, or simply run out of time.  If during the practice we find

ourselves brought to tears, this layer of pain or woundedness has been freed and released.

8) Tonglen can be turned to again and again and again for the release of negative emotional

states.  We can us it both symptomatically (as a negative feelings arises) or therapeutically

(for example, daily if working on deep seated negative emotions or old and lingering emo

tional wounds).  

To free ourselves from the imprisonment of loneliness and its resulting fear, apply Tonglen to loneliness. With this I recommend a two-pronged approach. The first is a foundational approach.  In this, set aside 10-20 minutes each day to be with loneliness, applying the practice of Tonglen. The second is the symptomatic approach. WHEN you find yourself feeling lonely, apply Tonglen to that loneliness. Tonglen can be done at any time, anywhere, no matter what activity you are engaged in. It is a powerful tool for freeing ourselves from the loneliness that might otherwise drive us to act in non-loving or unhealthy ways toward ourselves. Tonglen also allows us to be freedom of the ego’s shield of loneliness so that we might increasingly escape the system that keeps us imprisoned in the false self, thereby freeing us to live more and more as our truest self.

Lauri Ann Lumby, MATP, provides one-on-one mentoring and support for those who are in the process of their spiritual journey and who are awakening to their highest selves and their most authentic truth. Lauri helps you to shed the layers of the ego made up of conditioning, past wounds and trauma, and fear so that your Soul might be free to live as its truest self.

Learn more here.

From the Eagle’s Perch

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

There is no doubt that we are living through troubling times. Between the chaos in the world and uncertainty around humanity’s survival, it is easy to lose hope. So much of what we have come to rely on is proving to be on shaky ground. What we once clung to for security has shown itself to be nothing more than an illusion at best, a bold-faced lie at worst. All that which has been rooted in fear is rising to be seen as the manipulation that it is.

Humanity is waking up. But in this waking up, all our dreams of security, surety, and safety are being shattered. With the death of every dream, we grieve. Grieving includes shock, trauma, terror, denial, bargaining, rage, depression/immobility/dissociation, and deep sorrow. In tending to our grief and the expected unknowns that follow death we may fall into negativity and despair, believing all is lost.

When we examine this awakening from the center of our grief, fear is a natural response. As a species, we like to believe we are in control of our fate and the unfolding of the plans we have made. When new worlds are being born, it is often difficult, if not impossible, to see glimpses of these new worlds as everything around us seems to be collapsing. Remaining too close to the symptoms of collapse can keep us from seeing the opportunities that are being born in the midst of it, and what these opportunities might bring on the other side. This is where seeing from the eagle’s perch becomes a helpful practice.

In the past, some have accused me of being a prophet. If prophet means one who knows how to read the sign of the times, then I accept that accusation as true. Life has shown me that I do see and that what I see almost always happens to be true. Some don’t like me because of this gift because they cannot stand in my presence and not be seen for who they truly are. Those with nothing to hide stand securely under my gaze. Liars, on the other hand, tend to run.

As it relates to world events, I see in a similar way. I see patterns with predictable outcomes based on similar patterns from the past. History, if not healed, DOES repeat itself (all we have to do is look to the war in Gaza to see this truth realized). Through this sight, I am able to predict an outcome of an event or experience if it follows a certain trajectory. The good news is that trajectories can change, therefore changing the outcome. Knowing this, I have often used my voice to warn of the likely outcome of a certain trajectory, hoping that humans might listen and change their own path (we have the power to do this!).

Further, I am able to see far beyond the current timeline and trajectory to the ultimate outcome. As it relates to human beings, I see two possible destinations: self-created extinction or the creation of a better world. It is entirely possible that humanity will choose extinction by refusing to rid itself of that which is rooted in fear, which then results in the human compulsions of greed, gluttony, lust for power, wrath, envy, sloth and pride.  These, if not healed will be the end of us all.

More likely, I see humanity making a different choice. I see humanity growing weary of a world created in gluttony, greed, etc. and in that weariness, seeking another way. Already, I have seen evidence of this movement from weariness to not only seeking but creating change. As much as I am often frustrated by humanity’s stubbornness and ill-will, I not only believe, but SEE that far more humans are generous, loving, peaceful, and kind. These are the humans who I see as coming together to change the tide. In fact, they already are – we just have to bring ourselves to a higher view in order to see them.  To bring ourselves to that higher view, we must transcend our own fears of the dying world, heal our conditioned fears and rise above that which would otherwise bring us down. Only in doing our own inner work are we able to clearly see the purpose of this collapse and the promise of a new world trying to be born.

An important note: Seeing from a higher perch doesn’t happen because we engaged in “positive thinking.”  Neither is it because we have become masters of spiritual bypass or disassociation. Instead, it is the result of deep, inner healing and practice where we are actively pursing the transformation and release of everything that has been made out of fear. In doing this work, WE are the ones who are coming together to choose a new world – one made out of kindness, generosity, and love; and not the one made out of fear.

How are you transforming your fears and unhealed wounds so that you can not only see, but participate in bringing forth this new world?

Undoing Toxic Capitalistic Conditioning

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

I am not afraid to publicly admit my vulnerability or share my woundedness. I have observed that in being open and transparent, others are often able to find healing themselves, or at the very least validation for their own feelings and experiences.

Most recently, the thing with which I am most struggling is my sense of failure and shame over where I find myself in my life. Nowhere in my life have I succeeded in the ways in which we are measured or judged in a capitalistic society. I’ve never been given opportunities for wealth. I’ve never had enough discretionary income to save or invest. I don’t have a wall full of awards. I’m not popular in the capitalistic sense of popularity. I’ve never even been “Almost Famous.”

Instead, the opportunities I’ve been given led me to a kind of calling that cannot be measured through externals but only by what is within. At one time, I received validation, affirmation, support, praise and even a sort of notoriety through said-calling, but even that was taken from me (rather, I chose obedience to a calling over obedience to an institution).

Since leaving the institution of the Catholic Church, I’ve been out in the world doing what I have felt called to do. But as of this moment, even this seems to be falling away. Instead of having something somewhat tangible to hold, I find myself doing work to pay my bills that in some ways has its own kind of reward, but which strongly suppresses what I consider to be my truest gifts. There is a sense of emptiness and loss as my gifts lay dying on the ground while I’m just trying to survive in a world that was not made for me.

I’m tired. I feel empty. I’m quite close to abandoning any and all hope of fulfillment in the sense that we’ve been conditioned to believe we are deserving of.

One thing I’ve learned in this life is that we don’t deserve shit. Hard work does not equal success. Neither does a so-called Divine calling. But how, really, is Divine Calling measured?

  • Jesus was crucified.
  • Joan of Arc was burned at the stake.
  • Edith Stein was sent to the gas chamber.
  • Maximilian Kolbe died by lethal injection.
  • Gandhi was assassinated.
  • Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated.
  • Nelson Mandella was imprisoned and tortured.

A Divine Calling provides no guarantees. And yet, for some of us, it seems we have no choice but to follow this so-called Divine path, sacrificing capitalistic rewards for something else.

Today I’m not sure what that “something else” might be. Instead, I feel like I’m drowning in a sense of failure and its accompanying shame. The voice of this shame is continually trying to convince me I did something wrong, I chose the wrong path, and my true gifts don’t really matter. Everyday I feel like I’m bumping up against an impenetrable wall keeping me from my gifts and those who find them to be of value. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking.

And I know I’m not alone. This is why I’m baring my soul. I see you. In know who you are. You are my closest friends and companions who have equally “failed” in the capitalistic sense. You are the intuitives, neurodiverse, visionaries, prophets, and sensitive souls who have found this world simply too much to bear. Many of you struggle with “chronic illness,” in a world for which you were not made. I see you.  I know you.  I’ve heard your stories. Our stories are very much the same.

This too was Jesus’ story and the story of many who followed him:

“I have given them your Word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.”  John 17: 14-16

Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world.” John 18:36

As those who are called to be and do the work of Love in a world that wants to divide through hatred, we, like Jesus, are not of this world. Instead, we are working on a different plane (so to speak). The work we do is vibrational. It is spiritual. It is energetic. It is intangible and subjective. It cannot be measured by either mathematics, physics, or capitalism. While we may know and believe this in the depths of our soul, this does not free us from the conflict between what our hearts know and what the world wants us to believe. This is where our spiritual practice becomes ever-more important. For me it is this:

  1. I first had to recognize the sense of failure and shame – in how it has been coming out sideways, then as it is anchored in my conditioning.
  2. Then, through inner pondering, I had to identify the nature and source of that shame. Where did I learn this? How is it part of my conditioning? How is it proving harmful.
  3. Then, I chose a self-forgiveness practice to support the healing and release of that shame.
  4. This practice is an ongoing work in progress, but I know that and know to have patience with myself as I heal.
  5. I’m also seeing all the ways in which I try to barrel through the pain of this shame and am TRYING to choose self-care and rest over forcing myself to abide by the “rules of survival.”
  6. Then comes the hard part – trusting that as I care for myself my material needs will be taken care of.

This capitalistic world is not made for us. Yet we have spent our entire lives being conditioned by its rules and measures of success. Undoing toxic capitalistic conditioning isn’t easy. But if we feel called to be Love, we have no choice but to transcend the capitalistic conditioning that has kept the entire world imprisoned. In undoing this conditioning, we are freed from this imprisonment, while providing an example that others may one day choose to follow.

Oh….and here’s a great anthem for undoing toxic capitalistic conditioning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwhBRJStz7w

Deepening Your Practic

The Authentic Freedom protocol, created by Lauri Ann Lumby, provides a solid and reliable framework for undoing toxic conditioning and healing our inner spiritual wounds. Into the Wilderness guides you through the in-depth process of learning and applying this process for the sake of your own liberation and freedom.

Learn more HERE

Hope in the Perceived Darkness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

Donald J. Trump has officially been sworn in as the 47th president of the United States. Across social media platforms, the reactions have been either silence or sentiments of despair and hopelessness. I haven’t yet seen celebration, but I’ve definitely seen grief.

As for myself, I have spent too many years and too much time in deep prayer over the role Donald Trump is playing in the unfolding human drama to get upset. Once I got over the initial shock in 2016 of his victory over Hillary Clinton (let’s be honest, Hillary was less than a perfect candidate), I prayed, “Please help me understand the larger purpose at work here.” I’ve shared before what I was given to understand, but I’ll share it again in case you missed it:

Donald Trump is playing the role of the Angel of Death.

Biblically, the Angel of Death arrived at crossroads times to bring liberation to the enslaved by destroying the power of the ruling class. The Angel of Death is perceived as benevolent from the perspective of those being liberated, and malevolent by those who are losing their power.

In the short term, it may appear as if a Trump presidency will deprive some of freedoms they once had while elevating the status of the ruling class, but there is so much more at play here than what is in our immediate sight.

Stepping back……way back…..away from the media propaganda, political rhetoric, and those who benefit from creating (perceived) division….is a 10,000 year old human experiment coming to an end. This experiment began with fear and ended with patriarchal power. This experiment has reached its limits and will result in the extinction of humankind if equilibrium is not restored.

Donald Trump is being called to play a role in the restoration of that equilibrium.  In the short term, and through eyes conditioned by division, we may not like what we see. To see evidence of this restoration we will have to look at things through a new set of eyes.  Some of this evidence we may already see. For some, we will have to look beyond what is right in front of us to a time that we do not yet know.

Hope and Trust are two words that may prove helpful as we navigate this transitory time.

Hope – not in that which is outside of us, in some person of perceived authority and power – but hope in ourselves. A big part of the dying system is the savior complex – the idea or illusion that there is someone outside of us who is going to save us. Instead, we are here to save ourselves. We are the hope we’ve been looking for.

Trust – in a bigger story at play. In the natural unfolding of the universe story. In a higher plan. In God (if that is your thing). But most importantly – Trust in yourself. Trust in the Love that you are. Trust that this Love has the power to not only transform yourself, but also has the power to transform the world.

As the Angel of Death, Donald Trump is helping to facilitate the destruction of all the institutions and systems that have benefitted from the conditioning that has left us feeling powerless. On the other side of this destruction, should we accept the invitation, is a world in which all of humanity is empowered to come forward with our own unique giftedness for the sake of our own fulfillment, and in service to the good of the all. This can only happen, however, if we have hope and trust in ourselves and believe in the power of Love.

By dividing we have been conquered.

By uniting we will be set free.

Being Love in a Divided World

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

We live in a divided world. Divided by gender, sexual orientation, race, nationality, religion, and politics – to name a few. When viewed as sacred differences that make each of us uniquely special, these differences serve us. When treated as something to be judged or feared, these divisions cause us harm, leading to prejudice, hatred, violence, and war.

Our differences are meant to be our gifts, instead humanity has turned them into the cause of hate. Hatred, however, is a choice. We can continue to choose hate, which leads to the devolution of humanity, and our eventual extinction; or we can choose Love and be witness to and participants in the grand evolution of human consciousness which would lead to all kinds of miracles – the likes of which we can hardly begin to imagine.

I choose Love.

Choosing Love, however, is no simple task. In fact, it has taken me a lifetime to even come close to being the Love that I truly want to be in the world. My version of Being Love is by no means perfect. There are people I continue to despise. There are experiences and situations that hurl me into a rage. There are times I want to say or do the unkind thing. I’m still human after all.  I don’t, however, act on the surface feelings of my unhealed wounds, neither do I purposefully cause harm. Choosing Love is a moment by moment task.

Choosing Love is also a lifetime process. This process begins by learning to identify every obstacle in front of, and within us, to love. Then we are invited to enter into the arduous task of clearing those obstacles. Sometimes these obstacles are the result of human conditioning – the ways in which we were taught to be and act in our family systems, our communities, our culture, our society, our world. Sometimes identifying our conditioning is simple and the choice to move past that conditioning is easy. Other times, it can be quite complicated as our conditioning is often subtle, even unconscious.

Beyond conditioning, the obstacles to love are all the places within us where we have been wounded. These wounds include times were felt betrayed, where our needs were ignored or denied, where we were criticized or condemned for who we are, where we felt unloved or were treated in non-loving ways. These wounds include past abuse, rejection, and times our love was met with hate. These unhealed wounds are, in turn, the cause of our own non-loving behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs.

Division is a choice.  So too is Love. Choosing Love begins by choosing Love for ourselves, and doing to the deep and challenging work of healing the inner obstacles to knowing and being that Love. As we transform ourselves, we are more free to be Love and being that Love plants the seeds of inspiration for others to do the same. When we are faced with Division, Choose Love. When challenged by hate, choose Love. When our unhealed wounds are triggered by the unhealed wounds of another, choose the loving thing and heal our wounds.

As our world appears to be increasingly divided, we can choose to participate in that division, or we can choose to Be Love.

I choose Love.

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Moving Gently

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Often, when I reflect on what I want out of my life, the phrase moving gently surfaces. The idea of moving gently is so contrary to the way I have formerly moved and to the way in which we are often conditioned in this society that it has taken me time and much practice to realize this gentle movement in my life. Now, when I am able to sink into this gentle movement it feels natural, nourishing, and life-giving. In the times when life throws me back into situations where gentle is either not possible or difficult to attain, I feel violated and as if my life force is being sucked out of my being. This contrast encourages me to choose gentle movement wherever I am able and to free myself of those things that don’t allow for gentle.

Moving gently brings up images for me of the Bronte sisters and Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women – Victorian women (albeit privileged) who lived in a time when quiet reading, long walks in the moors, the needle arts, and writing were honored as time well-spent. Moving gently also brings up thoughts of medieval nuns like Hildegard of Bingen whose lives were defined by prayer, tending their gardens, providing counsel, caring for the sick, and completing the daily tasks of running a monastery.

These images provide but a glimpse of all the aforementioned lives required, but it is the energy-sense of these images, much more than the literal truth of them that provides food for thought and seeds for discernment.

Moving gently is about having a felt-sense of gentle and choosing this wherever possible in ones life. It is about measuring each experience and encounter and comparing it to what gentle feels like. Then it is about choosing what measures up and discarding the rest. As it turns out, choosing to move gently has application in all areas of my life. Here are some real-life examples:

Exercise: I used to be a gym rat, spending hours a week forcing my body into a size six form through vigorous exercise and weight lifting. Now, I relish in the gentle movements of yoga and Chi Qong. I’m no longer a size six (thank you menopause), but I feel good in my body.

The Drive to Succeed: I spent the vast majority of my life driving, striving, and forcing myself into the western world’s definition of success. I drove myself to be number one in my class. I sought positions that dangled the money carrot. I followed all the rules of SEO marketing and professional networking to try to be a success in my own business. Now, I do none of these. Instead, I listen deeply to my soul and when I feel called to work, I do.  When things come to me that feel life-giving, I receive them. I create what I want to create and leave the rest to God. Somehow it always works out – often by the skin of my teeth, but it works out.

Popularity and People-Pleasing: (puke emoji). I used to believe it was my job to make other people happy. Formerly, I worked hard at being friendly, outgoing, welcoming, and approachable. I wanted people to like me, and I would change and adapt in the hopes of getting other people’s approval. No more. Now, I am me. If people don’t like me, that’s more a reflection of them than it is of me. Instead of wanting to be popular, I now prefer to be unknown and unseen. In my mind, I like to think of my invisibility as the Diana Prince to the Wonder Woman hidden underneath. I no longer need to wave the banner of my magic to get people’s attention. If my gifts are meant for them, they will find me.

The Use of My Time: Formerly, my time was put toward efforts that I hoped would produce popularity, money, fame, even power. Now, my time is spent gently. If I have nothing “to do,” I spend my time in prayer and contemplation. I seek out opportunities for learning. I read and study. I read for enjoyment. I move my body gently. I feed my body simply. I enjoy quietude. I listen to music. I spend time with friends. I work with clients when the opportunities present themselves. I moderate student discussion in my online classes. I facilitate a weekly meditation circle. I tend to the responsibilities of my “chop wood and carry water” job. I pay my bills. I carry my love out into the world. I no longer engage in debate. I have freed myself from trying to convince anyone of anything. I have released resentment. I have let go of my need to fix, change, or save the world and the people within it.

I’m not saying it’s perfect. But identifying my soul’s need to move gently and going about the process of making this choice, I feel more peaceful and content than I have ever felt in my life. Oh yes, I sometimes stray from this and my battle armor is always close at hand, but at least I know what my soul prefers and that the freedom to choose gentle is almost always there.

What Privilege Taught Me to Believe

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

and how those beliefs were undone

I didn’t grow up wealthy, but I did grow up privileged. I was born white to middle class parents, raised in a predominantly white third-generation neighborhood of white-collar professionals and tradesmen. In most of the homes around us, the men worked, and the mothers stayed home. The children were feral and unsupervised, only because everyone believed we were safe. We had a roof over our head, three square homecooked meals a day, new clothing (unless you were a younger sibling), and a basement full of toys. We enjoyed piano and dance lessons. Our parents sent us to private school.

Life was good and in that state of perceived safety and abundance, we believed in the promise of “The American Dream” – a good education and hard work was the path to success and the harder you worked, the more successful you would become. We were also taught that welfare was for lazy people and we should judge them and treat them accordingly. There was a clear dividing line between us (hard workers) and them.  And a not-so-subtle dividing line between us (white people) and them (people of color).

All of this happened along side a devout Catholic upbringing. God was the old man in the sky. We were undeserving of God’s love. God’s love had to be earned and could be taken away. And abortion was a mortal sin. We were even invited to join the school’s “Pro-Life” club from whom we would get a bright shiny silver bracelet marking us as “soldiers of Christ” in the war against abortion (this was all on the heels of Roe vs. Wade). As a young adult, I volunteered at a pro-life “clinic” for women facing unexpected pregnancies.

In addition to all of this: we were raised Republican. We were told Republicans were good and were looking out for the good of the people and that Democrats were communists – and that was bad! I remember knock down drag ‘em out fights between certain family members who (gasp) belonged on different ends of the political spectrum. The Democrats were good people, but clearly delusional – at least that’s what we were led to believe.

In college (YES!  I attended university, which was mostly paid for by my parents – another privilege), I joined a sorority (more privilege), continued attending mass and attended adult faith formation classes. I voted for Ronald Reagan, and later, for George H. W. Bush.

Other than being a brunette, I was the stereotypical white girl of privilege.

But then, life happened.

My previous stance on abortion was the first thing to go. In the volunteer position, I witnessed first-hand the violent tactics often used by the Pro-life movement in dissuading women from seeking an abortion. There was no compassion shown, only judgment, accompanied by violent and graphic images of late-term abortions. There was a reason I wasn’t allowed into the “counseling” room at the clinic. Additionally, with over 40% of pregnancies being unplanned, I was bound to eventually meet a young woman, likely a friend, who would have to face a sometimes-difficult choice. As statistics would have it – I did – come to know of several friends who at one time had to face an unplanned pregnancy. Further, I knew of several who had no choice but to seek the termination of the pregnancy for medical issues related to either the baby, or their own survival. Abortion, it turned out, wasn’t so black and white.  How could I judge a woman (or a couple) who was having to face the most difficult decision of their life – one that would stay with them their whole life. The decision to terminate a pregnancy (no matter what the circumstances) is a wound that does not heal.  It changes, but the pain will always be there on some level. Compassion told me to put myself in the others’ shoes and support them through a very difficult decision. And to understand that at any point, I could find myself in a similar position forced to make a similar difficult choice.

The second thing that went was my belief in the American Dream. The first of this leaving happened in my own professional journey. Sheepskin in hand, I went out looking for work. And this is a FACT – not once in my 40 years of being in the post-college workforce have I made more than $26,000 per year.  NEVER.  Not once.  This was not for lack of effort, work, skills, or abilities. Now at a ripe almost 60, it is not for lack of education, experience, or expertise. The universe has imposed some sort of invisible ceiling between myself and money – never even surpassing (which was also the big privileged promise) the salary of my father.

Hard work and a college education, as it turns out, is NOT a guaranteed path to wealth.

No matter how much someone else wants to tell you otherwise.

Then I experienced poverty. Thankfully not poverty of the sort that far too many suffer, but I have faced an enduring period of financial struggle – the likes of which has had me utilizing some of those so-called “communist” programs. I have received rental assistance and energy assistance. I qualified for Food Stamps and could have been using the Food Pantry (I chose to use neither, but at a grave consequence to me financially – eventually leading to bankruptcy). I have enjoyed the profound benefits of the Affordable Healthcare Act – in fact, my life depends on it. Finally, I am on an income-based repayment plan for my graduate school student loans (if anyone wants to argue with me about student loan forgiveness, DON’T!!!!!  I will direct you straight to Matt Taibbi and his expose’ on the criminal nature of the student loan industry!!!!!) 

Beyond my own personal experience, I have witnessed hundreds, if not thousands struggling with similar or much worse circumstances. I have seen, through clear eyes, that the so-called “American Dream” is a lie and that there are, indeed, systemic obstacles to Americans realizing that dream. This fact of reality breaks my heart and inspires me to share my own journey beyond the lies that come with privilege.

As it relates to Catholicism.  This may be the biggest irony of them all. I have always been a woman of faith (whatever that means). I was a devout Catholic until the local Church made it clear I was no longer welcome. Jesus is my teacher and Mary Magdalene has become a guide. I sometimes pray the rosary and turn to Michael the Archangel in times of anxiety. I cherish my Catholic upbringing – for good and bad – but mostly, for what I learned about social justice:

Jesus calls us to love.  Period. And he was quite clear about what love looked like:

  • Judge not lest ye be judged.
  • Love your neighbor as yourself.
  • Everyone is your neighbor.
  • Welcome immigrants and foreigners.
  • Feed the hungry.
  • Set prisoners and captives free.
  • Clothe the naked.
  • Heal the sick.
  • Give sight to the blind.
  • Welcome “the other” to your table.
  • If someone asks for your cloak, give them your shirt as well.
  • Love one another.  Period.

As it turns out, it is my faith that has called me to depart from the politics in which I was once immersed and toward a political stance that supports the needs of the all. As my own life has shown me, even privilege does not guarantee that life will provide us with what we need. It has also shown me that by our own efforts, our own needs may not necessarily be met. There’s a little story in scripture that seems to provide a solution to this quandary:

All who believed were together and had all things in common; they would sell their possessions and goods and distribute the proceeds to all, as any had need. (Acts 2: 44-45)

If a sharing among the common good was good enough for Jesus and his earliest disciples, then it’s good enough for me. This is what love has taught me.

Unconditioning

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Below is an excerpt from a recent post in my Whispers from the Cave interactive web series. Learn more about Whispers from the Cave below.

I woke up to twelve inches of snow this morning with likely another twelve coming. None of the roads have been plowed.  Why should they bother when the snow keeps on coming?

I don’t need a reason or an excuse to stay home in the comfort of my cave, but this weather eases the conditioned and not-yet healed guilt that sometimes surfaces in the face of just staying home.

We’re conditioned to believe we have to leave the comfort of our home to be a contributing member of society.  Work.  Family.  Friends. Social activities. All stand out as pressure to comply.  We’re accused of being lazy or anti-social for simply wanting to be home.

Being called to contemplative/monastic living presents another option – a counter-cultural option. A big part of embracing this calling is all the work we must do around unconditioning. Coming to understand it’s ok to simply be.  There’s nothing we have to do (except that which springs forth from our hearts) and there’s nowhere we have to be.

We find support for this unconditioning through community – through others embracing a similar calling.  Without the benefit of community, we must find this conditioning on our own.  Part of this unconditioning comes in simply choosing what’s right for ourselves. When the voices of guilt, shame, or self-doubt com in, however, that is when we must return AGAIN to our practice.  Through our practice, we turn inward toward ourselves where we can heal and transform those conditioned voices. 

How and where have you found support in unconditioning?

What spiritual practices have you found helpful in your journey of unconditioning?

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