Trigger Warning!  Trigger Warning!  Trigger Warning!

I was a victim of sexual assault. The assault happened in 1983 in my freshman year in college. I was out with a pack of girlfriends for a night of cocktails and dancing at the Fieldhouse bar in Iowa City, Iowa. I woke up the next morning in a stranger’s apartment. I didn’t know how I’d gotten there. In my right mind I would never have gone.  I understand now that I was likely drugged – and I’ll leave it to you to fill in the blanks.

The thing that still gets me is that in the fragments of memory I do have of that night: I don’t remember the guy, but I remember him parading me past my girlfriends, past the bouncers, and past a group of my male friends who had congregated outside the bar. Not one single person thought to ask if I was leaving of my own volition or questioned this stranger escorting me away – most especially my male friends. They knew me. They knew who I hung with. They were friends with my boyfriend at the time. They would have known that I did not know this man and that I shouldn’t be leaving with him. Yet nobody did a thing. I’m not blaming my male friends – I’m just making note of their inaction in what turned out to be a dangerous situation.

This was not the last time I experienced inappropriate sexual behavior on the part of a male. It’s not the last time I witnessed other men looking the other way. In my 59 years I have witnessed time and time again 1) a sense of entitlement some men have as it relates to sex  2) the coercion, guilt, shame, and other tools used by unhealthy men to “get” women to have sex with them, 3) the tools some men use to inflict power over a woman, intentionally putting her into a vulnerable state of unease (ie: unsolicited dick pics) and 4) the stories they tell each other about their conquests, their sexual prowess, and the power they feel over women.

In my lifetime we have become more aware of the power dynamics used against women for sexual purposes, but still NO ONE DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT!  Case in point: The New York appeals court just overturned the sexual assault charges against Harvey Weinstein.  So much for #metoo. 

All of this, and for so many more reasons I shouldn’t have to bring forward here, I choose the bear!  Why? Because life has shown me that not only strange men, but so-called friends, and partners can be dangerous. But even more than the direct, personal experiences of assault, manipulation, objectification, or abuse of power, I still see that NO ONE DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

When a man commits an offense against a woman, men look the other way. No, not all men (why do we have to keep saying this?), but enough of them that it feels like the norm. THIS is what needs to change. We already know that abuse against women IS the norm (83% of women have experienced some form of sexual harassment or assault in their lifetime!). It is not the women who need to change (their behavior, dress, makeup, way they walk, where they spend time), it is the men.

If men want women to choose them over the bear, then men need to step up. Hold their brothers accountable. Call out those they see acting inappropriately toward women. And when they see a woman who is being harmed or at risk of being harmed, GET HELP. Don’t stand there looking the other way because you are afraid by making waves you might lose your man card. If men want women to choose them over the bear, then they need to do something about men seeming like more of a threat to woman than a huge-ass bear.

*If you have suffered sexual violence and need help, please reach out! The Sexual Abuse Hotline is available 24/7. Learn more here: https://www.rainn.org/