Undoing Conditioning

Learning Not to Care

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 3 Comments

(aka Cultivating the Fine Art of Detachment)

Life is a funny thing. First, we are taught that it is our job to care about EVERYTHING. Caring about EVERYTHING implies that it is our job to do something about it. Heaped on top of this caring is the whispered weight of responsibility. Not only is it our job to do something, it is also likely that the things that appear wrong are also somehow our fault. Blame adds to the pressure to do something about the wrong.

At nearly sixty, however, I’ve learned something new. It is more than likely that NOTHING is our fault. Therefore, it’s not our job to fix it. Furthermore, it’s not even our responsibility to care.

Wait! What? It’s not our job to care?

Yes, we have a human responsibility to care about ourselves, our loved ones, humanity, and the world. If we have a loving heart, we want the best for everyone. We want people to be happy, healthy, fed, clothed, safely sheltered, educated, and their medical needs provided for. We want people to have liberty, dignity, respect, and peace.

The sad reality, however, is that more often than not, there is not a damn thing we can do to guarantee any of this for anyone. Neither can we necessarily fix the wrong that prevents people from having all that is stated above. This is especially true when the individual is capable but unwilling to care for themselves. Furthermore, 99% of what we care about is completely out of our sphere of influence, and even if it is, it still may be out of our control.

As a Type 1 (Perfectionist/Reformer) on the Enneagram, this has been a truth that has been very difficult for me to come to. Not only have I had conditioning working against me, but I have also had the gift/curse of my unique temperament which gave me the lens through which I am hard-wired to ask “How could this be better.” Indeed, this gift makes me a fantastic trouble-shooter, source of counsel and guidance. This lens also left me with a seething resentment over all the things in the world that I can’t fix and all those who could utilize my gifts, but have refused my counsel.

Compounding the frustrated fulfillment of my gift and its resulting resentment, is the reality of emotional addiction. As it turns out, we can become addicted to negative emotional states in the same way that we can be addicted to alcohol or drugs. Spending time in, or even cultivating these negative emotional states have a similar impact on our brain chemistry as other addictions. Resentment, frustration, impatience, even rage were negative states to which I had become addicted, and I would even seek out situations to get upset about so that I could experience the “power” of these emotions.

Feeling these emotions, however, never fixed the frustration. Getting twisted up about someone else’s behavior, an injustice in the world, or the ignorance of humanity never gave me peace – only more resentment. Eventually I had to make a choice – remain in the ever-twisted world of seething resentment or find some way to experience peace. I chose peace.

The first step in choosing peace was to acknowledge I had an addiction. The second step was to recognize what all those inner feelings were actually saying to me.  They weren’t saying, “Go fix this thing.  It’s your job to fix it.  You know better than anyone else.”  Instead, they were showing me one of two things: a) a need of my own that wasn’t being met that I then had the responsibility to get met (if it was within my realm of control). b) all the things in the world over which I have ZERO control. Admittedly, a) was easier to accept than b).

When we feel powerless over something we cannot control, we will find anyway to find that power, until we can accept that it is really not within our control. One of the tactics I have found helpful (or mantras I’ve embraced) is to force myself NOT TO CARE.

I know this sounds harsh, but I am naturally a loving and caring person – especially as it relates to those I love and have care for. I want the best for them. I want them to be safe, cared for, healthy, happy, etc. But the reality is that no matter my efforts to share my gifts in a way that might be supportive, some/many are unable to receive these gifts. I can beg and plead all I want but until an individual (or a group, or a Church, or a political party, or a nation) wants to make a change, my words are dust in the wind.

To survive the frustration and angst over a) my gifts not being received and b) my complete lack of control over a situation, I have had to learn not to care. In the recovery world, this is called detachment. Detachment allows me to be an objective witness of what is unfolding around me without the compulsion to step in and offer my wisdom, expertise, advice, suggestions, etc. Detachment allows me to move beyond the frustration, irritation, or anger I might feel in the face of what I perceive as wrong and accept things the way they are. And OH MY GOD, my inner perfectionist/reformer HATES THIS!  But, it’s the only way I can experience peace. At this point in my life, I’m far more concerned about peace than thinking I have any influence over the state of our world, and I’ve discovered that this peace is a choice.

I can continue to allow myself to care so much about the world that I suffer the consequences of ongoing seething resentment and frustration, or I can learn not to care (cultivate the fine art of detachment) and live my life in peace. I choose peace.

Unraveling the Wound of ME

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but this past week has been quite a doozy!  I wouldn’t even bother to write about it except that nearly everyone I know has shared the common experience of a “what the heck was that?” kind of week.

Some of the things I’ve heard, witnessed, and been a party to:

  • DEEP Depression the likes of which we haven’t seen in months/years.
  • Strangely triggering experiences with disproportionate reactions.
  • Not just rugs, entire carpets being pulled out from beneath us.
  • A feeling (literal and figurative) of losing the ground beneath our feet.
  • Old, ancient wounds – ones we thought we were done with – paying us a visit.
  • Sudden losses including the ending of relationships.
  • Final straws on camel’s backs calling for immediate response.
  • Complete immobility, lack of motivation and/or interest…in anything.
  • Unexplained sorrow and intermittent tears.

I can’t even begin to offer an explanation of why any of this is happening, or the causes behind it.  I just know it is and has been. For me it’s been a week of writhing and groaning with a whole lot of nothing.  Nothing to do.  Nothing to be. Just nothing. And the realization that there are just not enough shows on Netflix to soothe a week such as the one we just had.

Yes, the world itself is insane. But, for me anyway, the past week felt much more personal – but even that said, I can’t put a finger on what the personal is. My normal inquiry, “What is the wound that is asking to be healed?” just isn’t working here. Either I’m fresh out of wounds, or I, myself, am the wound.

Now there’s a thought!  What if the wound is ME?

I don’t mean this in any sense of self-loathing or self-rejection (or do I?). But…. accompanying the writhing this past week was a whole lot of life-reviews. Visions and memories of really old stuff – experiences that caused me shame or regret, decisions I made that went wrongly, past relationships, old jobs that didn’t fit, every single experience/relationship that felt abusive in some way.

I’m not one to spend time entertaining regret. Shame, however, is another story. Shame, that in hindsight, I had no reason to feel. You see, it wasn’t my shame. It was someone else’s rejection, critique, or condemnation of me for any number of reasons. I wasn’t thin enough. I ate too much. I was too smart. I saw through their lies and bullshit. I couldn’t perform a certain task (through no fault of my own). My lifestyle choices and desire for ease didn’t fit theirs. I exercised the wrong way. I could see the truth they didn’t want me to see. My goals, desires, wants, weren’t the same as theirs. I didn’t obey the rules they wanted to impose upon me. I questioned authority. I challenged hypocrisy.   

There was no reason for me to feel shame for any of this – but, as it turns out, I did/do. Why? Because the rejection, condemnation, etc. was PERSONAL. It wasn’t the actions or behaviors they were rejecting.  It was ME they were rejecting. It was ME because the things these individuals and institutions chose to reject were all based on WHO I TRULY AM. All those years in the past I spent trying to just be myself and being told WHO I AM is not ok.

  • My body is what it is and can’t be forced into a certain shape or size (no matter how hard I tried).
  • My metabolism is what it is and before menopause I had to eat large portions just to survive.
  • I’m smart. I can’t help it. I just am.  I know things. I remember things. I like to learn.
  • I prefer ease to chaos, gentle to harsh, peace to conflict.
  • I’m an introvert. I like people, but I thrive in solitude.
  • I’m outgoing but shy.
  • I don’t like to toot my own horn, or wave a banner to my success.
  • I’m humble.
  • I can read people and I know immediately when someone is lying, a liar, or taking advantage of my generosity and I have a visceral response to these awarenesses. I can’t help it.  I just know and the knowing is somatic.
  • I live by my own truth barometer and profess no outside perceived authority except MYSELF.

All of these things are true about me and part of who I am. I can’t help it. It’s just ME.

All this to come to the realization that indeed, the wound that is asking to be healed in me and which arose through all the weirdness this past week (for me anyway) is the wound of ME. Every single thing, experience, interaction, etc. that causes me to feel as if there is something wrong with ME. That something about ME is wrong. That I have to apologize for who I am or beg for what I need to be ME.

The wound that is asking to be healed is ME.

 Image credit: Facebook AI portrait generator. Turns out this one actually looks like me!  😊

A Day in the Life

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Yesterday, while working with a client, the topic of monastic living came up. One question that emerged in the conversation was “What does living monastically look like?”  It’s a practical question – and the answer is “it depends.” I can only speak for myself, but in conversations with other friends who have embraced a similar calling/lifestyle, I imagine the answers are somewhat similar. But first, we have to define the question.

The question “what does monastic living look like,” is really a question that means “what do you do all day?”  As we live in an action-oriented world where our perceived value is defined by what we do, this is the most frequent inquiry about monastic living. Again, the answer is “it depends.” On some days there is a lot of doing. On other days, there is little to no doing. Let me give you an example from this very week.

Monday of this week was a day defined by doing. My day looked somewhat like this:

6am wake up.

6-7 am meditation practice

7-8 am check emails, finish some work tasks.

8- 8:20am get ready for yoga class

8:20 leave for yoga.

8:45 – 9:45 yoga class

10 am – shower, etc.

11am lunch

1130 am – 7pm work. Strapped to my computer doing office manager tasks for the ballet studio I work for with a dinner break squeezed in.

7-9 pm – enjoyment.  Reading. Sitting in quiet. Watching TV.

9pm. Bed

Monday was a day of a lot of doing. Tuesday, in contrast, what an entire day of NOTHING. I did my normal morning routine (minus the yoga). I put in a couple hours of admin work. I had brunch with my son. I took a nap. I read a little.  I sat in silence. I may have watched a bit of TV.  But, essentially nothing. After all the energy output on Monday, I didn’t have anything to put into Tuesday, so I didn’t.

Then Wednesday came and it was a busy day with clients, admin work, and then more nothing.

In my experience, monastic living is less about what we do and how we be. For me, the center of it all is my daily practice, and the rest unfolds from there. On some days I have things planned/scheduled, but beyond that, I take each day as it shows up with the energy that I have available to me in that moment. As a recovering compulsive planner and over-doer, my life is now more about allowing what needs to present itself to present, and then stepping into what is asked of me. When nothing is presenting, I remain with the no-thing, not pushing or forcing some sort of doing (aka productivity) out of the no-thing. Much of monastic living is about learning to live in this now moment and allowing ease. The rest seems to take care of itself.

Toxic Over Responsibility

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Somewhere during the time of Eckart Tolle, a movement began of toxic over-responsibility. Due to the Western tendency to twist the sayings of wisdom teachers to conform to our achievement-oriented, overworking paradigm, we have come away with self-help practices that leave us responsible not only for our own actions, but for the actions of others. Platitudes that say things like:

  • The wound you see in another is simply a reflection of your own wound.
  • The bad behavior of another is simply a reflection of your own bad behavior.
  • If you see a fault in your brother, that fault is actually yours.
  • If you are triggered by another’s behavior or actions, it is reflecting back to you a wound in yourself in need of healing.

Where there may be some truth in these or similar statements, they are not wholly true and have cast us into the role of over-responsibility to ourselves and under-responsibility as it relates to the behavior of others. While we are busy exploring and taking responsibility for our own wounds, we are letting far too many people off the hook. 

Being accountable to our own wounds and the things that trigger them is never a bad thing. Entering fully into the practice of forgiveness (healing ourselves of the wounds caused by another’s bad behavior) is a worthwhile and liberating endeavor. But, if our journey of self-care and personal responsibility is letting the other off the hook then that is leaving us vulnerable to further harm.  Further, by focusing only on ourselves, we are allowing the other to remain in their state of arrested development.

I agree, it is not our responsibility to heal or fix others. Neither do we have control over the actions of others. We only have control over how we react to our own triggers and setting appropriate boundaries around our personal safety needs. We ARE NOT, however, responsible for the actions of others.  In other words, it is not only our unhealed wounds that cause us to be triggered by other people’s bad or irresponsible or disrespectful behavior.

What we are calling triggers, might not be triggers at all.  They might simply be our own inner compass reacting to the asshole in the room. As human beings, we are hard-wired to detect bad behavior in another. We know what is right and what is wrong. (Ok, some of us do). There is a visceral sensation that arises in our bodies when another is acting in an irresponsible, dangerous, threatening, or morally questionable way. We have the ability to detect deception, betrayal, a lack of integrity, shady or questionable behaviors. Yet, between our cultural conditioning that says to “give people the benefit of the doubt,” or “be nice,” we either disregard those feelings, or turn them inward, somehow making them our own responsibility.

The questionable, unprofessional, deceptive, behaviors of another ARE NOT OUR FAULT, neither are they our responsibility. Contrary to the toxic over-responsibility movement, the bad behaviors of another HAVE NOTHING to do with our unhealed wounds. Instead, the feelings that arise in us when faced with another’s unsavory behavior is simply our TRUTH BAROMETER calling BULLSHIT. Isn’t it long past time we start listening to that voice and stop taking responsibility for other people’s shitty behavior?

Happy Star Wars Day!

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

A Message from the Force


How could I not acknowledge the popular Star Wars meme on this auspicious, tongue-in-cheek day?  Especially since Star Wars (the original one) is my all-time favorite movie (Mary Poppins being a very close second). 

Whether you are a fan or not, Star Wars is the quintessential tale of good vs. evil through the lens of the heroes journey – specifically capitalizing on the orphan trope with obvious overtones/undertones of George Lucas’ Catholic upbringing including narratives about “God,” temptation, death and resurrection. Throw in the spaghetti western action sequences and innovative special effects (that still hold their own today) and Star Wars has it all. 

Critics will say there is nothing original in the Star Wars universe. Book nerds will suggest Lucas stole all his ideas from Dune. Neither of these criticisms are incorrect. Regardless of these critiques, Star Wars (the original) holds a unique place in the cinematic universe as a profound teacher of wisdom – subliminal wisdom at that!

Beyond the special effects, the action, the glitz, and the glamour, Star Wars is the story of our young orphan hero (Luke Skywalker) being supported in coming into his own power. By way of Obi-Wan Kenobi (and later Yoda) Luke learns that the power he seeks is within and around him in what is called The Force.  The Force, he learns, is the power that created and guides the whole universe and is accessible to those who seek it out. He discovers that The Force can be used for good, but that it can be equally harnessed for the sake of evil. Along the journey he is confronted with all the ways in which he could use this power and is challenged to make the right choice. Does he use The Force to commit acts of revenge, or does he use it as a force for good? 

The journey that Luke embarks upon and the choices he must face, represent the universal human journey. As it specifically relates to us in this time in history, during this critical stage of human evolution, Star Wars invites us to explore:

1) Our own relationship to The Force (God, Source, Love, etc.)
2) The conditioning that tells us The Force is outside of us and it’s approval must be earned and might be taken away.
4) The temptation to look outside of ourselves for a teacher or a guide/ truth, knowledge and wisdom.
5) The temptation to give our power away to outside perceived authorities. 
6) The temptation to use our gifts (The Force) to manipulate others or to have power over them.
7) The temptation to act out of anger or revenge. 

As I reflect on this today, the most obvious lesson from Star Wars that presents itself is related to the “outside perceived authority” – especially those who use their positions of perceived power to harm others. In this I think of:

The media.
Government officials.
Religions “leaders.”
Self-proclaimed and false gurus. 

Our world is overrun by those who seek to manipulate others through false information, fear-based communication, and shame. Those who capitalize on human insecurity and the conditioning that tells us to believe those outside of us over our own inner wisdom and knowledge. As it relates to the work I do in the world, I am currently most aware of (and annoyed by) the false gurus and charlatans in the fields of healing and spirituality. Individuals who are taking advantage of human vulnerability, placing themselves in the position of authority/guru/source of healing, and convincing their followers to give them loads of money along with devotion to their guidance – even (especially) when the “guru’s” guidance is in direct conflict with what the “client/follower” might feel/know within themselves. I can’t tell you how many people I have seen harmed (financially, emotionally, mentally, even physically) by these false gurus. And yet, these gurus continue to attract followers like flies are attracted to rotting flesh.

In this journey of human evolution, like Luke when he was given the opportunity to choose the Dark Side through revenge, we stand at a crossroads. To whom are we giving our allegiance? Are we giving it away to outside perceived authorities?  Are we believing the lies we are often fed by the media, corporations, our church, our government? Or, are we giving our allegiance TO OURSELVES – to The Force that dwells within us, that guides us, leads us, compels us toward our own inner knowledge, wisdom and inner power?  Not unlike “Young Luke,” the fate of the universe (humanity) depends on our choice.

My hope and prayer for all of us is the acknowledgement that THE FORCE IS WITH YOU and is ALWAYS WITH YOU.   Now the invitation is to harness that Force and direct it toward good. 

Yours in the Force,
Lauri

Loved a Narcissist?

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

If you have loved a narcissist, absolutely NOTHING was your fault. NOTHING was your responsibility. There were no lessons to learn.

Instead, EVERYTHING is the responsibility and fault of the narcissist. Narcissists prey on our tender, generous, and vulnerable hearts. They deceive us for their gain. They keep secrets to guarantee our curiosity and hope. They know their actions are manipulative and evil, but they also know the capacity of our forgiveness and our willingness to see them through the lens of compassion and understanding. They thrive on us feeling sorry for them because of the wounds that make them do the hateful things they do. They know that instead of holding them accountable, we will take responsibility for their actions, or at the very least, view every single conflict as a vehicle for learning and growth.

They also know all the ways in which we’ve been punished in the past for asking for our needs to be met or inviting another’s accountability, and they will punish us in the same way. They know we are used to being the grown up in a relationship and that we were forced to grow up early and to bear the burden of over responsibility very early in our lives.

They know of our shame and our guilt and they use these against us, for they have neither.

A narcissist has no shame. They will never apologize or take responsibility for their actions. They will never work to make things right.

With a narcissist, there is only one thing we can do: 

WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK

You did nothing wrong. Nothing was your fault. There were no lessons to learn, except perhaps, to get the f*ck out. And I guarantee, the narcissist won’t bat and eye and will likely never think of you again – for they’re already on to the next person to harm.

The Evolution of God

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Straight Talk About God Part II

Since the beginning of time, human beings have been creating God in their own image, not the other way around. In the earliest times, when humans lived close to the earth and whose survival depended on the whims of nature, it made sense that the first gods represented the movements of nature: storm gods, fire gods, water gods, all whose approval needed to be earned in order that humankind might survive. From this the evolution from nature gods to anthropomorphic deities resembling human beings in form and behavior was a natural progression.

Initially, these anthropomorphic beings were both male and female in form. At times they were primarily female as primitive human recognized that it was from woman that all humans come into being. Eventually, through events that can only be theorized, the feminine gods were supplanted by the male-only, all-powerful, warlike patriarchal god. This god, much like the nature gods, was one whose approval needed to be earned so that human beings might survive. For each human tribe, this man-god was given different names, but the qualities remained the same. Like human beings themselves, this god was jealous, vengeful, punitive, fickle, played favorites, and sometimes loved his creations. Mostly, however, this god needed to be worshiped, honored, and required sacrifice. Through “his” priests, this god delivered laws that required obedience. Straying from these laws elicited punishment, banishment from the tribe, and sometimes death.

These human-made gods have not evolved much in the last ten thousand years – at least not in the way these gods are articulated in the context of institutional religion. “The Old Man in the Sky” god still holds sway. AND YET – while this is the god created by man, this is NOT the god experienced by the mystics, and certainly not the God that Jesus came to know and tried to describe to his companions. The god of the institution is one born out of the mind. The God experienced by mystics is one born of the heart. This is the God that Jesus said “dwelled within us” and the one we can come to know by “going into our inner room.” And yet, this God was not of Jesus’ experience alone. Mystics, contemplative, and holy people since the beginning of time have described the experience of knowing versus knowing the Divine, the emphasis placed on the former.

Through the mystics, humanity has been introduced to a God beyond the anthropomorphic god of humankind’s creation. The God that the mystics experienced was one that transcended material form and human behavior. There are no real words to describe this experience of God, though attempts have been made through such words as: Presence, Being, Essence, Transcendence, Enlightenment, Nirvana, Bliss, Ecstasy, Spirit, The Void, The No-Thing.  The author of the epistles accredited to John, called this God Love.

In the Catholic church in which I was raised, the old man in the sky God was (and continues to be) the favored image of God, specifically, God the Father.  God the Father is the source of all creation, the architect of the universe, omnipotent, omniscient, loving like a father, but also one whose judgment we were taught to fear. For the majority of Catholics this father-god (specifically male) is their sole image of God, and one they will defend in spite of the fullness of Church teaching.

But the Church itself teaches that God is not exclusively male. In fact, the official teaching of the Catholic church is that God has no gender and in no way resembles humankind:

 “In no way is God in man’s image. He is neither man nor woman. God is pure spirit in which there is no place for the difference between sexes. (Paragraph 370 Catechism of the Catholic Church).”

I’m just going to leave that here for those raised Catholic to read again, and again, and again, as they/we attempt to reconcile this official teaching from what we were taught by our pastors, nuns, teachers, and parents.

God is pure spirit and in no way resembles humankind. BOOM!

The Rumbling

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Yesterday (3/7/24) somewhere around the time the (American) State of the Union Address was to be delivered by President Biden, I was hit with an enormously powerful wave of grief. As I sensed this was not my own grief, I posted a quandary on Facebook, “Anyone else just get hit with a wall of grief.” The overwhelming and universal response:  YES! I did what I normally do in the face of disembodied impersonal grief – I prayed.

This morning, the grief was replaced by what I can only call “The Rumbling” (reference Attack on Titan – IYKYK!).  I felt the rumbling like a disturbance – a collective energy of both anxiety, and anger. It felt/feels like the stirring of something very unpleasant, even catastrophic. If you are familiar with the manga or anime series Attack on Titan, you know of what I speak.

This rumbling seems to be made up of years/centuries of anger, frustration, resentment, of needs going unmet, feelings of being silenced and unseen. This does not feel like the same kind of frustration often experienced by women or people of color, instead, this feels like an underbelly kind of energy – human beings who have historically felt rejected, unseen, and unheard, but who have not had the support to find healthy ways of expressing these needs or of getting those needs met. These are the humans who have languished on the fringe of economic demographics, and who, it seems, have never been given the chance to get a leg up in this world. These are the humans that instead of finding a way through the perceived (or real) obstacles, are seeking someone to blame. They believe it is someone outside of them who is at fault for their plight, and they are seeking a way to get back at those they perceive as having it better than them.

These folks have been given a mouthpiece, and his name is Donald Trump. Throughout his presidency and in the years since, he has given voice to all the foul vitriol of the projections assumed by his followers. In their minds, it must be the fault of women, people of color, homosexuals, non-Christians, immigrants, etc. that they are not getting their needs met.  DT is providing an example that they can follow in speaking their vile hatred of anyone that might have it better than they.

At the same time, DT has demonstrated to the world that wealth makes one immune to the law and the consequences of despicable and illegal behavior. The very wealthy of the world, and the wealthy wannabes, see in DT permission to be as horrible as they can possibly be for the sake of their money, and that there is no consequence to their actions.

I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but Donald Trump has taken control of the Republican party, distorted their once noble beliefs, and turned it into a platform for hatred and greed. Another four years of Trump will be the end of the American empire as we have come to know it….but he isn’t the cause of the end.

Before we point all fingers of blame at Donald Trump, the democrats are not innocent. The current administration’s continued participation (by supplying money and arms) in the genocide in Gaza and in continuing to ally with Netanyahu’s Israel, they have proven that the war machine, and the money to be made through it, are more important than the loss of innocent lives. The youth of our nation are rightly disillusioned by the White House rhetoric as it relates to Gaza. These are the youth whose votes will be lost if Biden’s campaign doesn’t do something to right this wrong.

Where this leads us is to the fact that neither of the candidates for president are appealing – for a variety of reasons. What this further illuminates is the very real fact that the form of governance and the vehicles through which our governmental leadership is chosen is flawed – a flaw that was present from the very beginning.

The American government was NEVER formed to support the voice of the majority. Neither was it formed to provide a platform for the minority. Instead, the representative government was created solely to meet the needs of wealthy, white, landowners. Period. Those who benefit from our current form of governance will argue this point. But the face remains, the US government was never set up to meet the needs of an increasingly diverse population of people made up of every race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, and belief.

It might be time for a change.

Beyond the circus clowns, and those making a big noise, is the true source of The Rumbling. It’s not about DT or JB. It’s not about the people for whom they speak, or who they believe they represent. Instead, it is about a system that was flawed from the beginning.  The clown show that we are witnessing is not the cause, but is instead a symptom of a system that is collapsing under its own weight – a system that has proven itself unsustainable. As such, at the end of the day, I’m not sure if the winner of the 2024 presidential race matters. Whether it is Biden, Trump, or some other character, the empire is collapsing, and we are being given the opportunity to witness its collapse.

It is really surreal to be witness to the collapse of an empire.

(PS I wonder if the Roman’s knew what they were witnessing as it was happening or if it was only in hindsight that they understood?)

Melancholy

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

There is a kind of melancholy
that inhabits a woman of a certain age.
Like a cloak of kelp and arame draped across her shoulders –
Clinging and dripping,
Enfolding her in saline dampness.
Salty, cold, and wet from a lifetime of tears –
Some shed. Some withheld.
Sorrow-ridden tears of loss.
Bitter tears of betrayal.
Volcanic tears of rage.
All comingled with fleeting tears of joy.

A woman’s heart is tender –
despite the strength she must show to the world.

Melancholy creeps in like mist through a crack in the door
filling every space with a weightless veil
carrying all the pain of the world.
She barely sees its coming
until realizing it’s here.
Impenetrable.
Eternal.
It’s made a home in her.

Initially unwelcome –
something that must be expunged.
But the more it’s met with resistance
the louder its cries become.
Until the moment she accepts melancholy’s heavy wrap,
there she discovers not pain but comfort.

Melancholy is neither curse, nor depression to be shunned.
Instead, melancholy is the acknowledgment of all a woman has held on her own –
the cloak of comfort she could not give to herself and what she didn’t receive from the world.

Five Steps Toward Healing Co-Dependency

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Co-Dependency has been defined in many ways.  At the most basic level, co-dependency is based on the false premise that it is our job to make other people happy and that if we do not, they will no longer love us.  After our spiritual awakening and as we move toward self-actualization, we come to recognize the patterns of co-dependency that are prevalent in our lives and are invited to heal these patterns. 

Identifying Co-Dependency

There are a wide range of behaviors that fit within the cycle of co-dependency and we are all affected in different ways proportionate to our conditioning.  Below are a few examples of co-dependent behaviors and attitudes.  Healing begins by identifying what of these behaviors are present within us:

  • An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the happiness of others.
  • Taking care of the needs of others before taking care of ourselves.
  • A tendency to do more than our share, all of the time.
  • A sense of guilt when asserting ourselves.
  • Difficulty in setting boundaries.
  • A disproportionate need for approval and recognition.

Recognizing the Causes of Co-Dependency

After identifying patterns of co-dependency, it is often helpful to understand what causes these behaviors.  First and foremost is the understanding that co-dependency is learned.  We are not born co-dependent, it is a pattern of behavior that is taught to us by our culture first, then our parents, teachers, ministers and peers.  We are trained to be co-dependent by the societal expectations that it is our job to make other people happy, that somehow their unhappiness is our fault, and that another person’s needs are of more value than our own.  From the perspective of spiritual healing, the root cause of co-dependency is the false believe that love exists outside of us and that we have to earn this love and that if we do not make others (mom, dad, God, our teachers, etc.) happy that they will withdraw their love from us. 

Co-Dependency Takes Two

Co-dependency always happens between two (or more) people.  There is the “triggerer” and the “triggered.”  The triggerer acts in a way that tugs at another, prompting them to react to the other person’s actions.  An example might be a partner who reacts in violent ways to not getting their way – perhaps a project they are working on isn’t going their way and they start screaming and yelling out of frustration.  The triggered then reacts – running to the “rescue” of the triggerer, in attempt to “fix it” so their partner can be happy.  Another example might be a peer who remarks negatively about the way you dress which prompts you to change your whole style in an attempt to gain that peer’s approval. 

Acknowledge When We Are Triggered

The triggering that drives us toward co-dependent behaviors is subtle. In the early stages of healing from co-dependency, this triggering is often unrecognizable.  We don’t see it because it is so familiar.  The cycle of co-dependency has become a part of how we function.  Healing co-dependency requires that we recognize when we are triggered to reach out to another in an effort to make them happy or to gain approval.  For many, this “reaching out” is experienced in a very physical way, such as in a sensation in the center of one’s gut that feels like energy pulling at and away from them.  Others might feel it as a constriction in the neck or shoulder muscles.  The way the trigger is experienced is unique from individual to individual and the path to healing co-dependency begins by identifying how these sensations are felt in our own bodies and then acknowledging when these sensations are being triggered.

Standing in Our Own Power

When we feel the physical sensation of being triggered, the next step is to STOP that energy from leaving our body and pulling us toward the person we are tempted to “make happy.”  This step is the sheer force of will that allows us to STAY PUT instead of running to another’s rescue or after another person’s approval.  Standing in our own power also helps us to recognize that we are not the cause of another person’s unhappiness.  One practice that has proven helpful is the mantra, “It’s their stuff, not mine.”  When we feel triggered by another’s behavior, instead of following the thread of co-dependency, we stand still, holding our energy into ourselves while chanting this mantra.  This helps us to put a halt to this pattern of co-dependency, leaving the other party responsible for their own happiness – where this responsibility lies in the first place.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

The above are five steps toward healing co-dependency.  To truly be free of this conditioned behavior, we have to follow the above steps over and over and over again.  As in all things, practice makes perfect and the more we tend to our own journey of healing co-dependency, the more we are truly free of these debilitating practices.

For further support in healing from co-dependency, consider a private session with Lauri Ann Lumby.  Email lauri@lauriannlumby.com to schedule your session.  Also check out Lauri’s book Happily Ever After – The Transformational Journey from “you complete me” to Beloved Partnership.  Available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon.