Church

The Effects of Trauma

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Trauma is weird. Trauma is weird because we don’t always know we’re experiencing trauma until its effects accumulate and begin to come out sideways. Trauma is also weird because every person experiences trauma differently.  Some traumas are obvious and expected, others are not. If you are in a war zone and having to deal with constant life-threatening situations, you would expect that you might experience some adverse effects from that trauma. Some people, however, seemingly don’t. If you are in a physically abusive marriage or suffered sexual assault, you would expect to suffer the effects of these traumas. One does not necessarily expect disappointment, heartbreak, loss, or betrayal to be experienced as trauma – but for some they are.

Trauma is weird. My trauma is not from war or physical abuse. What I can now identify as the traumas that eventually led to a diagnosis of CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), I did not necessarily think of them as traumatic at the time. I’m a strong, independent woman and that’s how I got through those traumas – truly by sheer force of will and stubbornness – mixed in with a good dose of resentment. I made myself survive.  I forced myself to weather the storm. I pushed myself through it all – never attending to the deep heartbreak I was feeling because at the time I was just trying not to collapse under the weight of it all.

Well….eventually that all caught up to me. All that forcing did was push the trauma deeper and deeper into my psyche where it built up and accumulated until it started coming out in symptoms of depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, and eventually full-blown and traumatic panic attacks. I’m also convinced that all of this pent up trauma is what made me vulnerable to the bizarre ear infection that permanently damaged my vestibular nerve – causing my now ongoing issues with vertigo, etc. which now prevents me from driving any distance without great effort and no longer allows me to drive on the freeway – dramatically hindering my previously taken for granted freedom of mobility.

Trauma is weird. I have tried to explain my trauma in the past and to those listening, it just doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t really make sense to me either. I can point to the situations, experiences, individuals and say – “it’s their fault.” But really, my trauma is less about fault and more about cause. The cause, if I’m truly honest with myself, was LOVE, and the trauma that one experiences when that love is betrayed.

That’s it in a nutshell. Every trauma I’ve experienced has ultimately been about the betrayal of love.

The easiest for me to speak about is my ecclesial trauma because in this case, there are no innocent bystanders who might be hurt by my words. I feel perhaps I’ve written of this ad nauseum, but in a nutshell – I once passionately and deeply loved the Church and the mission of Love I embraced on their behalf. I found my calling in the Church. I was enthusiastically supported in that calling, both financially and otherwise by the Church. I had planned to continue my formation and advancement in Church ministry as far as would be allowed for a woman. Then I wasn’t. All because I took Jesus’ call to Love seriously and accepted that call to heal and teach. It’s a long stupid story and on the outside to call this trauma might seem trite, but I can honestly attest that leaving the Church was harder for me than divorce and the trauma I suffered that ultimately led to my leaving is the greatest heartbreak I have ever experienced. My Church turned its back on me. If you understand the nature of spiritual abuse, you get it.

The other traumas I will continue to hold close to my heart. Suffice it to say, all were deep and indelible betrayals of love. When trauma is a result of betrayal, it becomes personal – and that’s a whole different kind of trauma – which is why it’s so difficult to describe and even more challenging to explain. It’s not as a result of a hit, a punch, or war, it because of a broken heart.  

No matter the cause of the trauma, the effects are mostly the same: anxiety, depression, panic attacks, chronic illness, hypervigilance, memory issues, situational avoidance, disassociation, feelings of overwhelm and cognitive impairment, auditory and visual processing disorders, chronic pain, and so much more. There are medications and therapies that help mitigate the effects of trauma, but in my experience, the effects never fully go away and are always lying in wait to rear their ugly head again – like recently. For whatever reason, my trauma decided to rear its ugly head causing ongoing increased anxiety and breakthrough panic. Whatever I had been doing proved to be no longer enough so now I’m (by doctor’s orders) taking a break from external stimuli, adjusting to an increase in medication, and looking at what other lifestyle changes or adaptations I need to take to continue to care for my trauma-affected mind, spirit, and body.

As an aside, I’m profoundly grateful to my employer who allows for accommodations so that I can continue to work and make a living. AND there are not enough supports in our system for people who have suffered the effects of trauma. For many, work is literally impossible and for the majority, there are not enough accommodations available to help them be part of providing for their basic needs without doing further damage to themselves. If my nervous system had its way, I’d be living in a cabin deep in the woods and all my needs would be provided for so I could just take care of myself, living as gently and quietly and softly as I need. Just sayin!

Exactly Where I Wanted to Be

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

This morning I find myself feeling a little bit like the fairytale heroine who went out looking for her soul’s longing only to wake up one day to realize she already had it and has had it for quite some time.

This is exactly where I find myself with the realization that has been a long-time coming in the midst of me already living it. Who knew?

My soul knew!  The longing has been there for as long as I can remember – even without my young self being able to give it words. Based on the models in which I was raised, the words I can now give to what my soul has longed for (and as it turns out has already been living) is: MONASTIC LIVING – in the modern world.

As it turns out, my home is my “monastery.” My practice is my “church.” My showing up in the world is my way of being of service to humanity. 

These things I have always known, but not in a way that allowed me to fully embrace it. Instead, I’ve been wiggling and writhing through the conditioned ego-attachments of our culture which dictate our understandings of success as defined by material wealth, notoriety, and power.

Additionally, I’ve had to wage an inner battle with pop culture spirituality that tells us the only work that matters is that which bears a certain appearance and comes in a particular package. Nowhere in this model are we told that EVERYTHING we do has the potential to be a kind of service to humanity – everything from my office manager work at the ballet studio to my frequent visits to my favorite coffee shop, to showing up to yoga class, posting on social media, or grocery shopping. True service is not about what we do, but how we are showing up as Love (compassion, joy, peace, gentleness, insight, counsel, companionship, care, etc.) in the world.

Monastic living in the modern world is exactly what I’ve been doing and increasingly so since being given an opportunity to fully immerse myself during the Covid-19 shutdown in 2020. The Covid-19 shutdown fulfilled my longing and I was one of those screaming “NOOOOOOOO” when the shutdown was brought to an end and I had to return to the “real world.” As it turns out, the real world is just as monastic as being locked in my home for three months – I just needed to find my way through the tangled forest of ego attachments and cultural conditioning to realize it.

As it turns out I’ve not only been creating, but actually living my monastic life all along!  I’m already exactly where I’ve long said I wanted to be.

The Silencing of Freedom-Speaking Women

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

Have you noticed how a priest has an automatic platform for his voice? Through no gift of his own or his own message to give, he goes to school for a few years and viola, he gets to stand before tens, if not thousands, and they listen to him. His message might be shit, or his words the same old sermon they’ve heard a million times, but still they listen. The priest did nothing to deserve this, and nothing to earn it.  He simply gets a platform from which to speak simply by virtue of his collar, and the penis that got him there.

Not so for women. Not so. Instead, there is no place for our voice or our own message except that which we’ve wrestled for ourselves – in back alleys, in dark corners of coffee shops or bars, between bookstore and library shelves where the women’s literature hides. A hasty, hushed whisper is all we’re allowed while priests gather flocks through no merit of their own.

Were it not for the vagina, I might have been a priest. Thank Goddess The Mother knew better. My skin crawls over the harm priests have caused – those who are men, and more recently those with breasts who also strive to wear the collar. Only slaves wear collars. In the case of the Church, slaves that seek to enslave.  No Thank You!

How can one preach freedom within an institution that enslaves? You can’t! This is why freedom-speaking women are rarely given a stage – especially those who point out the hypocrisy of those who tell freedom lies. The Institution’s response instead, is to silence these women.

The Church doesn’t want us to be free.

And yet, we persist. Speaking of love and the promise of freedom til the very day we die, even if all who ever hear us are the desert’s grains of sand.

A Change in Direction

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

In the summer of 1994, I had an experience that forever changed the course of my life. I had been languishing, feeling frustrated, unfulfilled, and out of place in my fifth corporate job in almost as many years. I knew that I was not in the right career path and that corporate work just wasn’t for me. I had been begging and pleading the universe for support in finding my true path – the path of my soul, and that which would lead to a sense of meaning and fulfillment and which might help to serve the betterment of our world.

The answer came in a startling and unexpected way. While attending mass one Sunday, the pastor, in his homily said, “If there’s something you want to do and you haven’t done it yet, get off your ass and do it now.” I felt his words like a lightening bolt through my entire body as I saw a red brick fly through the air and hit me in the head. Perhaps this was the answer – or at least the invitation. I scheduled an appointment with my pastor and thus began the beginning of the path that would lead me to where I am today.

What began as ministry formation through the Catholic Church led to training as a spiritual director, which then led me on the path of Reiki healing. I secured a paid position with the Church, eventually leaving the corporate world behind.

This, however, was just the beginning. I worked in the Church for ten years, and during that time, applied ancient knowledge and practice into what became a nine-month curriculum in human psycho-spiritual development. Through this training, participants began to discover their unique gifts and how they were being called to use these gifts in the world for the sake of their own fulfillment and in service to the betterment of the world. I saw the results of this training first in myself, and then in those I guided. This was meaningful and fulfilling work and I knew I was on to something.

Then Reiki happened. Suffice it to say that hierarchy and the movement of the Holy Spirit collided. Eventually I had to make a choice between my Church and the calling that God had given me.  I chose God.

This choosing took place over many years with lots of bargaining and excruciating grief, but since 2008 I have been free of institutional constraints and have been leading individuals and groups on the journey of their own psycho-spiritual development using the curriculum that has its roots in my time in Church ministry, but which has unfolded in a way to speak to and meet the needs of a universal audience. Since then, I have published ten books, created over thirty courses geared toward supporting participants in their own journey of self-actualization, and led hundreds on that journey.

I do this work because I have seen the benefits in my own life and in the life of my clients and students. When we take the time to uncover our unique giftedness, discern how we are called to share the gifts in the world, and then move through the inner obstacles to living out of those gifts, we experience a sense of meaning and fulfillment in our lives which leads us to a deep state of inner contentment and joy. While attending graduate school, I learned that the word for this acquired knowledge and experience is self-actualization.  I also learned, and have seen for myself, that self-actualized humans naturally and effortlessly work from their own unique gifts in support of their own fulfillment and for the betterment of the world. Self-actualization in one benefits our world in exponential ways.  It has therefore become my mission to support the betterment of our world by supporting self-actualization one person at a time.

A Life of Meaning and Fulfillment

Soul School with Lauri Ann Lumby is a one-of-a-kind education platform that provides the resources and tools to support you in becoming self-actualized so that you might enjoy the meaningful and fulfilling life of your dreams.

  • Embodied learning
  • Where knowledge meets practice
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Done with Church? #Metoo

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Once upon a time, Lauri Ann Lumby was an enamored, mostly devout Catholic girl.  I attended Catholic school for most of my 12 years of schooling, proudly wore my plaid uniform skirt with starched white blouse and embraced all that post-Vatican II Catholicism had to offer (it really was an exciting time in the Church!).  I continued attending weekly mass during college and into adulthood.  I heard my calling to active ministry somewhere around the age of 27, completed 7 years of training as a pastoral minister and spiritual director and worked in the Church for 10 full years. 

Then it all went bad. The short version is that I dared to take Jesus’ teachings and commands seriously and stepped more and more fully into “doing what Jesus did.” The Church didn’t like that, and neither did the self-appointed inquisition who made it their job to make sure I was obedient to “only that which was handed down by the magisterium,” which I found hilarious because the history of the Catholic Church has always been practice before legislation.

Most likely the real issue was not the work I was doing, but the fact I am a woman and I dared to do what Jesus did – namely, be a source of healing for those who sought it. 

That’s the short of my boring story….but what’s yours?  I bet I can guess some of the primary reasons why you no longer go to Church and maybe have no interest in returning:

  1. The Church’s hypocrisy – teaching one thing but living another. (#priestsexabusescandal)
  2. You’ve been divorced, use birth control, or found yourself having to make the choice to terminate an unplanned pregnancy.
  3. You’re LGTBQ.
  4. You no longer, or never, resonated with the idea of a hellfire and brimstone God or the idea of hell in the first place.
  5. Many of the Church teachings don’t make sense to you.
  6. You have a sense that Jesus may have been a cool dude, but don’t resonate with the Church’s portrayal of him, or don’t believe Jesus is the ONLY WAY to “salvation.”
  7. You’re not sure “salvation” is even anything to strive after.
  8. You are a woman and wonder if you even have a place in a patriarchal/hierarchical/clerical institution.
  9. You take issue with clericalism.

Ringing any bells? This is just a handful of the infinite number reasons I have heard from others for why they left the Church and have no plan of returning. Good for them. I agree with them. It is for this very reason that Authentic Freedom Academy and the Temple of the Magdalene came about in the first place. And here’s why:

  1. I personally have no problem with Jesus. When we look beyond Church dogma and man’s interpretation of Jesus’ message, we only find a message of compassion and love. I think this is a good and timely message – one the world really needs!
  2. I also accept the truth present within every other world spiritual tradition.  I have found in my own exploration that every tradition holds a piece of the truth – why not embrace them all?
  3. I have to say the same about scripture. Scripture and sacred writings of all sorts hold kernels of the truth – we just have to find them.  Dogma and doctrine get in the way. Let’s study the texts with naked eyes and an open heart.
  4. In my experience working in the Church, the greatest thing I found missing were tools for authentic psycho-spiritual development. These tools are readily available in the Church, but the Church refuses to share them.  I have studied, applied, practiced, and now share these tools with those who attend my classes and partake in the services I provide.
  5. I also found the Church lacking in authentic empowerment. The Church begs for people to serve the betterment of the world but provides no formation that would support people in doing this. I provide that formation.
  6. There is a place for women!  Not only is there a place, Jesus’ closest disciple, the one to whom he revealed the resurrection and who he ordained to continue his mission was a woman herself – Mary, called Magdalene.
  7. All are welcome!!!!!!!!!   Authentic Freedom Academy and the Temple of the Magdalene welcome all people from all walks of life, orientation, beliefs, etc.  The space we have created is big enough for all of it. 
  8. Salvation?  Jesus never spoke of salvation being in a heaven light years away.  Instead, he showed his disciples how to find peace, contentment, and joy in the midst of the human experience. This is what I teach, along with the tools for experiencing this.
  9. Love.  Only Love.  Compassion and Love. That is all.

Authentic Freedom™ is Lauri Ann Lumby’s trademarked protocol for transforming the fears that keep you from knowing your true self and living that out freely.  Authentic Freedom™ integrates specific tools and practices of Western Psychology with those of Western Spirituality, resulting in a powerful process through which YOU are supported in becoming self-actualized.

Self-actualized individuals know:

  • Who they are.
  • What their unique gifts are.
  • How they are called to use those gifts for the sake of their own fulfillment and in service to the betterment of the world.

Learn more HERE.

Our online community is made up exclusively of women and men who have completed the Magdalene and/or Melchizedek Trainings, patrons of Authentic Freedom Academy and those who have joined through personal invite. Learn more and become a member HERE.

The Temple of the Magdalene reclaims the ancient order of priestess through:

Temple Membership is made up of fully ordained members, associates and patrons. Learn more HERE.