Learning Not to Care

July 31, 2024 / Lauri Ann Lumby / 3 Comments

(aka Cultivating the Fine Art of Detachment)

Life is a funny thing. First, we are taught that it is our job to care about EVERYTHING. Caring about EVERYTHING implies that it is our job to do something about it. Heaped on top of this caring is the whispered weight of responsibility. Not only is it our job to do something, it is also likely that the things that appear wrong are also somehow our fault. Blame adds to the pressure to do something about the wrong.

At nearly sixty, however, I’ve learned something new. It is more than likely that NOTHING is our fault. Therefore, it’s not our job to fix it. Furthermore, it’s not even our responsibility to care.

Wait! What? It’s not our job to care?

Yes, we have a human responsibility to care about ourselves, our loved ones, humanity, and the world. If we have a loving heart, we want the best for everyone. We want people to be happy, healthy, fed, clothed, safely sheltered, educated, and their medical needs provided for. We want people to have liberty, dignity, respect, and peace.

The sad reality, however, is that more often than not, there is not a damn thing we can do to guarantee any of this for anyone. Neither can we necessarily fix the wrong that prevents people from having all that is stated above. This is especially true when the individual is capable but unwilling to care for themselves. Furthermore, 99% of what we care about is completely out of our sphere of influence, and even if it is, it still may be out of our control.

As a Type 1 (Perfectionist/Reformer) on the Enneagram, this has been a truth that has been very difficult for me to come to. Not only have I had conditioning working against me, but I have also had the gift/curse of my unique temperament which gave me the lens through which I am hard-wired to ask “How could this be better.” Indeed, this gift makes me a fantastic trouble-shooter, source of counsel and guidance. This lens also left me with a seething resentment over all the things in the world that I can’t fix and all those who could utilize my gifts, but have refused my counsel.

Compounding the frustrated fulfillment of my gift and its resulting resentment, is the reality of emotional addiction. As it turns out, we can become addicted to negative emotional states in the same way that we can be addicted to alcohol or drugs. Spending time in, or even cultivating these negative emotional states have a similar impact on our brain chemistry as other addictions. Resentment, frustration, impatience, even rage were negative states to which I had become addicted, and I would even seek out situations to get upset about so that I could experience the “power” of these emotions.

Feeling these emotions, however, never fixed the frustration. Getting twisted up about someone else’s behavior, an injustice in the world, or the ignorance of humanity never gave me peace – only more resentment. Eventually I had to make a choice – remain in the ever-twisted world of seething resentment or find some way to experience peace. I chose peace.

The first step in choosing peace was to acknowledge I had an addiction. The second step was to recognize what all those inner feelings were actually saying to me. They weren’t saying, “Go fix this thing. It’s your job to fix it. You know better than anyone else.” Instead, they were showing me one of two things: a) a need of my own that wasn’t being met that I then had the responsibility to get met (if it was within my realm of control). b) all the things in the world over which I have ZERO control. Admittedly, a) was easier to accept than b).

When we feel powerless over something we cannot control, we will find anyway to find that power, until we can accept that it is really not within our control. One of the tactics I have found helpful (or mantras I’ve embraced) is to force myself NOT TO CARE.

I know this sounds harsh, but I am naturally a loving and caring person – especially as it relates to those I love and have care for. I want the best for them. I want them to be safe, cared for, healthy, happy, etc. But the reality is that no matter my efforts to share my gifts in a way that might be supportive, some/many are unable to receive these gifts. I can beg and plead all I want but until an individual (or a group, or a Church, or a political party, or a nation) wants to make a change, my words are dust in the wind.

To survive the frustration and angst over a) my gifts not being received and b) my complete lack of control over a situation, I have had to learn not to care. In the recovery world, this is called detachment. Detachment allows me to be an objective witness of what is unfolding around me without the compulsion to step in and offer my wisdom, expertise, advice, suggestions, etc. Detachment allows me to move beyond the frustration, irritation, or anger I might feel in the face of what I perceive as wrong and accept things the way they are. And OH MY GOD, my inner perfectionist/reformer HATES THIS! But, it’s the only way I can experience peace. At this point in my life, I’m far more concerned about peace than thinking I have any influence over the state of our world, and I’ve discovered that this peace is a choice.

I can continue to allow myself to care so much about the world that I suffer the consequences of ongoing seething resentment and frustration, or I can learn not to care (cultivate the fine art of detachment) and live my life in peace. I choose peace.

Loved a Narcissist?

April 14, 2024April 13, 2024 / Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

If you have loved a narcissist, absolutely NOTHING was your fault. NOTHING was your responsibility. There were no lessons to learn.

Instead, EVERYTHING is the responsibility and fault of the narcissist. Narcissists prey on our tender, generous, and vulnerable hearts. They deceive us for their gain. They keep secrets to guarantee our curiosity and hope. They know their actions are manipulative and evil, but they also know the capacity of our forgiveness and our willingness to see them through the lens of compassion and understanding. They thrive on us feeling sorry for them because of the wounds that make them do the hateful things they do. They know that instead of holding them accountable, we will take responsibility for their actions, or at the very least, view every single conflict as a vehicle for learning and growth.

They also know all the ways in which we’ve been punished in the past for asking for our needs to be met or inviting another’s accountability, and they will punish us in the same way. They know we are used to being the grown up in a relationship and that we were forced to grow up early and to bear the burden of over responsibility very early in our lives.

They know of our shame and our guilt and they use these against us, for they have neither.

A narcissist has no shame. They will never apologize or take responsibility for their actions. They will never work to make things right.

With a narcissist, there is only one thing we can do:

WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK

You did nothing wrong. Nothing was your fault. There were no lessons to learn, except perhaps, to get the f*ck out. And I guarantee, the narcissist won’t bat and eye and will likely never think of you again – for they’re already on to the next person to harm.

Conditioned by Shame

January 4, 2023January 3, 2023 / Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Shame is one of the forces of manipulation that we are currently unraveling from at this stage in our cultural/spiritual evolution. Specifically – the shame we have been conditioned to feel by the patriarchal/hierarchical power structures who for the past 5000 years have ruled our world. These power structures, which are rooted in fear, power and control, have fashioned “rules” from which they benefit while the rest of us suffer. Shame is the tool they use to get us to comply with their rules. Let me offer a few examples:

If you anger, disappoint or turn away from “god” you will go to hell and here are the ways you will anger and disappoint “god.”
If you don’t dress a certain way, carry a certain purse, if your body isn’t a certain size, people won’t love you.
If you don’t succeed in school, you are a failure.
If you didn’t learn the lesson, or if you did learn it but can’t communicate it in the way we expect you to, you will get a bad grade.
If you don’t pay your bills on time, you will be punished.
If you don’t make a certain amount of money, you are a failure.
If you are sick and need medical care, but don’t have money to pay for it, you are lazy.
If you are a working mother and can’t get to work on time because you have to take your child to work, you will be fired.
If you got pregnant out of wedlock, you are a whore.
If you are having sex outside of marriage you are also a whore.
If you are raped, it’s your fault.

The list goes on and on and on.

These are the threats that have been doled out to us by the existing power structures to imprison us with fear and manipulate us with shame.

NO MORE!

It is time for us to unravel from this shame by:

Refusing its power over us.
Taking back our own power.
Healing the wounds that have been implanted within us by this shame so that we are less likely to be vulnerable to shame’s manipulations.

Join us for our first Master class of 2023:

Freedom from Shame

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

6:30 – 8:30 pm central time

LIVE via ZOOM

Learn more and enroll HERE

Enrollment limited to 25. Register now and reserve your seat.

Living Outside the Matrix

December 13, 2021 / Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

In anticipation for the latest installment of the Matrix movie series, I have re-watched the first three films. If you haven’t yet watched the original Matrix movie, WATCH IT NOW. It has much to say about where we are as a species and the opportunity we have to choose life OUTSIDE THE MATRIX.

To understand life outside the Matrix, we must first define life within the Matrix. As Morpheus so clearly stated: The Matrix was created for the purpose of control.

Identifying life inside the Matrix is simple:

The Matrix is everything we have been told to believe and everyway we have been conditioned to act or respond by an outside perceived authority.

Let me offer a few simple examples of life inside the Matrix from our Western patriarchal hierarchical capitalistic culture:

Measuring success by money, power, status, fame, possessions, accomplishments.
Being told our value is defined by how hard and how many hours we work.
The idea that hard work leads to “success” (as it is defined above).
Being conditioned to believe it’s our job to make other people happy.
Expected compliance.
Obedience (to the outside perceived authority).
Competition. Period.
The idea that rest/restoration/self-care = laziness.
Being “lazy” is bad.

The Matrix does not want what is best for us. It wants what benefits them.

Exiting the Matrix begins with listening to our own inner guidance (the voice of self-love) instead of the outside perceived authority (which is entirely rooted in fear, power, oppression, and control). We must turn away from all those outside voices that want to dictate who we are and how we should live. Should is the easiest way to identify if the voice we are listening to is of the Matrix. Our highest/true self NEVER uses the word should! Instead, our true self guides us on the path of our truth – the path that is in our highest good and in alignment with LOVE. Love of self. Love of others. Love of all creation.

Living outside the Matrix looks a little bit like this:

Taking time each day to tune into our highest self (what some might call “God”). It is here we find clear direction, guidance, and knowledge of the path of our highest good.
Cultivating, practicing, and honing discernment – the process through which we can clearly distinguish the voice of our truth vs. the voice of the Matrix.
Saying yes to the guidance of our Soul. Saying NO to the shoulds of the Matrix.
Uncompromisingly adhering to the voice of our own inner guidance.
Refusing to be swayed by the outside voices of control (shoulds).
Turning off outside influences created by the Matrix (advertising, marketing, social media, “news” sources, etc.).
Become aware that all is not as it may seem. Even your “enlightened” teacher and favorite conspiracy theorist could be constructions of the Matrix. (anything to which you give authority over your own inner truth).

Living outside the Matrix is as simple as choice. In the movies, the choice is represented by the red and blue pill. The blue pill keeps you enslaved to the Matrix. The red pill frees you. As Morpheus said: “I have shown you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”