defense mechanism

The Practice of Bearing Witness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Today has been a weird day – a study of contrasts of sorts. For me, the day began as it normally does – in prayer. Then a friend and I set out on an art adventure. On both of our minds were the ongoing protests in Los Angeles, along with the “No Kings” protests scheduled all around the country for today – purposefully to coincide with the “Big Beautiful Birthday Parade.” Our shared hope was that the protests be peaceful and the protestors safe. Equally, we voiced our concerns over the state of our nation – the threats to our freedoms, along with the failing system of checks and balances that we were taught were supposed to protect these freedoms.

We are living in uncertain times – times that trigger our fears and appropriately incite our righteous anger. The temptation to react to these triggers through violence is strong. A fire burns within us in the face of injustices being done to our fellow human beings, especially the most vulnerable among us. And yet, violence only begets more violence and burning with hatred solves nothing. Instead, we are invited to seek a different path.

For me, the path has always been quiet, solitary, and non-violent. As an introvert, you will never find me at a protest. Neither will you find me inciting violence against the perceived “other.” Even today, in light of the political assassinations in my own hometown of Minneapolis, I cannot feel hatred toward the assassin. I can only feel deep sorrow for one who is so broken to believe this was the right and appropriate thing to do. Further, my prayers go out to the deceased, their families, and friends.

Our nation is profoundly broken. The easy thing is to choose sides, hating on one while celebrating the other. Out of our instinctual need to feel safe, we might spiral into anticipatory planning – imagining every possible scenario while planning our response. In our need to control, we may believe that taking action is the best response including reacting to every trigger thrown our way.

The reality is this mess is not going to resolve itself overnight. We cannot anticipate the direction this current unfolding of the American experiment will take. We cannot predict what the horse loose in the hospital will do or attempt to do. Really, all we can do is be present to this moment, wait, breathe, and watch. If we are called to respond, take action, speak out, etc., it is only in the present moment that the proper response will be revealed.

For me, this ongoing unfolding/unraveling of the “American Dream” has provided an opportunity for me to hone my practice of non-action as demonstrated in my call to simply be witness. Further, it has shown me over and over my tendency to want to control, change, or fix what I perceive to be disordered or wrong. This practice has carried over not only in relation to American politics, but also into my everyday life.

You see, I’m a recovering perfectionist. For sixty years, I believed it was my job to fix and change everything that (to me) appears to be wrong. With great moral certitude and an eye for judgment, I have spent my life with a gavel in one hand and my pen of righteousness in the other. With troubleshooting as a highly cultivated defense mechanism, resentment and self-righteousness have fueled my journey as I try to share my “gifts” and get met with a brick wall.

Oh yes, I could most definitely be right about what is wrong and I may even know how to fix it……but, is that really my job? Is that why I was put here, to “heal and save the world?” With the amount of resistance I’ve faced because of my “gifts,” I would say “probably not.”

It’s not my job to save the world. It’s not my job to save our nation. It’s not my job to fix what is broken or repair what has gone wrong. Instead, it is my job to cultivate my own peace while bearing witness to all that is happening before me, and to be here for those who might need support in cultivating their own peace in a world gone mad, or to provide comfort to those who find themselves in their own personal battles trying to get through this thing called life.

Life is hard enough without making every conflict our own. As much as it grieves me to admit this, I have found that when we allow things to unfold on their own, they tend to find their own resolution – the horse will one day either find its way out of the hospital or it will die trying.

No. I Can’t Help You

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Confession:  I’m a fixer. Part of being a fixer is a gift. The other part is a defense mechanism and a curse.

The gift part of being a fixer is the ability to see what could be improved in an environment so that it might more successfully thrive. It is also the ability to see what could cause a situation, environment, relationship, etc. to fail and to offer course-corrections that would help to prevent that failure. This improvement-oriented gift has been further developed in me through years of education and experience in a wide range of professional fields. Those who have sought me out for these gifts and applied my guidance have benefitted greatly. I have benefitted by applying these gifts to myself.

The fixer defense mechanism, on the other hand, rises up in me when I feel unsafe in an environment thereby triggering my own survival instinct to seek out ways to restore my feelings of safety. With the energy of hyper-vigilance, I seek out the “wrong” in the environment and then I attempt to fix that wrong. These efforts almost always blow up in my face.

The challenge of being a fixer is that there is no clear line between gift and defense mechanism. Often, these bleed into each other, usually resulting in catastrophe – if not for “the other” then most definitely for me. As a fixer, it is sheer torture watching institutions, individuals, humanity, making the same mistakes over and over and over while refusing to apply the actions that could help them.  Many don’t really want to be helped. Even when they ask for help, they may not really want that help. Most often, they are unwilling to take the necessary actions that would help them.

In the past several years, my “fixer” tendencies have come up for review. Where and how are they helpful? When are they problematic? The answer is complicated, but to put it simply:

  1. When someone invites my professional support and guidance, offer it, but with no attachment to outcome. They may apply it.  They might not.
  2. Identify those who continually ask for support but who really don’t apply it and learn how to disengage. It’s ok to say, “No, I cannot help you.”
  3. If they haven’t asked for my professional support, KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

The reality is that there are three kinds of people:

  1. those who want help and will do the work to help themselves,
  2. those who say they want help but really don’t,
  3. and those who definitely do not want help.

For my own mental and emotional wellbeing, I have had to learn (and relearn, and learn again) how to tell the difference while also caring for myself when overcome by the frustration and grief that surfaces when witnessing humans walk the path of their own destruction.

(PS: Being a fixer is also a form of co-dependency. Alanon, ACA, and AA principles have proven helpful in healing myself of this pattern. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change….”)

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It’s Not My Job to Save the World

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Before I dive into this reflection, I want to state that in no way, shape, or form, is this reflection definitive. Instead, it is part of an ongoing exploration of perceived mission, purpose, and calling. In this reflection, the central focus of the quandary is around what it means to be an empath and how we are, or are not, called to use this gift.

In the world of pop culture spirituality, the word empath has been increasingly tossed around. Some, including me, have jumped on the bandwagon, taking empath as a title, as well as a superpower, and in doing so, waving the banner of the special nature of this gift.

Is being an empath a superpower? Is it a gift Divinely imparted to those special few who are called to “hear the cries of the world,” who then employ their equally special gifts of healing to save the broken world?

Or is being an empath a defense mechanism that we developed so that we might carve out a safe place for ourselves in an otherwise violent world?

Ultimately, I believe the ability to feel the emotional state of those around us, along with the expanded sense of empathy that allows us to feel global phenomenon (like collective fear, approaching storms, pending earthquakes, solar flares, etc.) is a function of both nature and nurture. It seems to be true that some people are born with heightened sensitivities. There is also a strong argument for empathy as a developed skill born out of our own need to be safe.

Regarding the latter, further developing the empathic abilities that may have already been within me, has proved immeasurably helpful. It has given me the ability to sense danger, to read people’s emotions and intentions, to know when someone is a safe person to be around, and when one is pure evil. Being an empath has also helped me in interpersonal relationships – especially with those for whom I care, because it allows me to sense when they are upset, disturbed, angry, etc. which then allows for a healthy and helpful conversation. It allows me to intuitively know when someone might need support, but maybe doesn’t know how to ask.

There is a place for being an empath in my life that has shown itself to be healthy and helpful.

There is also a place where being an empath has gotten me in trouble.

We live in a culture (and I am of a gender) in which we are conditioned to be co-dependent. We are told it’s our job to make other people happy, to be a champion for the voiceless, to fight against injustice, and ultimately….to save the world. Being an empath without proper boundaries can feed this co-dependency, making us believe we are some sort of champion for the downtrodden, and savior of the world. The gift of empathy can further give us the feeling of being special or set apart from others, thereby feeding our ego and our pride.

Empathy is a gift, but it can also be a curse. For one thing, I’m not sure it’s safe or good for us to feeeeeeeel everything!  I know it’s not good for me. Feeling everyone’s feelings, every emotion, every intention, then heap on the collective fear and violence of our world, and I am bound to short circuit – which is exactly what I did last week. It became too much. My anxiety was off the charts. I felt like a cat full of static from having been brushed the wrong way. This short-circuiting caused me reach out to my doctor who authorized an increased dosage of my sertraline which has slowly eased my sense of being flayed.  I then took some time off to rest and reflect.

In the midst of this reflection, I was reminded that it is not my job to save anyone, let alone the world. Despite all I’d been taught and conditioned to believe, the only person I have the power of saving (and even this is debatable) is myself. I can’t change other people’s behaviors. I can’t change their beliefs. There is literally nothing I can do to rescue them from the trap they have created for themselves. My experience of being an empath does nothing to help those around me (except as I mention above), and my so-called healing powers will do nothing to solve the crisis in the Middle East, or to absolve the fear and unhealed wounds that would cause someone to inflict violence on another.

The only thing I can do with the sensitivities I have, the knowledge I’ve gathered, and the wisdom I’ve gained, is to:

  1. Care for myself.
  2. Be a source of support for others seeking to care for themselves.

Period. Other people’s crises are none of my business. Another’s pain is not mine to heal. I can do nothing to force evil to become good. I can’t change the direction of the tide. Humanity is on a course of its own making and there is not a single thing I can do to fix or change it.

So for today, I’m setting aside my superhero cape, laying down my bullhorn, and stepping away from humanity’s pain so that I can place my focus where it needs to be – on myself. Only in saving myself (with God’s help) can I ever hope to be a guide and support for others who also want to save themselves.  

Lamenting a Cruel World

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 6 Comments

A dearly beloved friend recently observed of me:

“You are a formidable and vulnerable teacher.”

I could not disagree with him and I am deeply grateful for his ability to see and articulate my truth. There is something uniquely profound about truly being seen.

Whereas I may present to many/most as a strong, independent, formidable force, my truest self is deeply vulnerable and fragile. I, like most who are truly honest with themselves, have been wounded by this world. It may appear to many, in fact many have said this of me, “You got this.” As a responsible firstborn Capricorn with a conditioned defense mechanism of independence and dogged self-sufficiency, this may be a safe assumption. Except, on many days, I DO NOT GOT THIS, neither do I want to.

At nearly 58 years old, I’m tired of having to gather up my strength, and don my cloak of resilience in order to survive this world and to find my way through the broken glass and twisted brambles of humanity’s folly.

I wasn’t made for this level of violence. Neither was I made to withstand this much light or noise.

None of us were made for this. Yet few are willing to admit it.  Instead, we make excuses (or are conditioned to) for all of humanity’s bad behaviors.

There are no excuses for humanity’s cruelty, deception, lack of integrity, greed, abusive behavior, or betrayal. As a student and teacher of human development, I can assuredly say that every single human being (excepting perhaps sociopaths and psychopaths – but even they can pretend) has both the potential and the power to be loving, compassionate, generous, gentle, and kind. In other words, cruelty is a choice. Admittedly, a choice coming forth out of what are likely deeply unhealed wounds, but a choice, nonetheless. When I know (and provide) resources to support humanity in healing their wounds, this choice becomes even more apparent.

So yes, when I see humans being cruel to each other, taking advantage of others for the sake of their own pride or greed, making excuses for or justifying their bad behaviors, stabbing others in the back, robbing or stealing from each other, I am deeply saddened. I also find myself angered because I know that cruelty is a choice and cannot comprehend why anyone would choose it.

Like I have often said, I wasn’t made for this world. The good news is I know I’m not the only one not made for this world. If you are one who regularly chooses kindness, I hope that in sharing my own vulnerability this gives you permission to do the same, and if nothing else, helps you to know you are not alone.

Copyright Lauri Ann Lumby