mental-health

Starting a Spiritual Practice – Getting Started

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Part II of a series

Defining a Spiritual Practice

A spiritual practice is ultimately anything that helps you to connect with your higher self, God/dess, highest truth; and that which leads us to an experience of peace, contentment, focused attention, fulfillment, completion and love.  You are probably already engaging in some sort of activity in your daily life that brings you to these kinds of experiences—cooking, gardening, exercising, painting, drawing, house cleaning, parenting, making love, etc. etc. etc.  When you realize what it is you are already doing that brings you to these experiences and then bring the intention of it as being your spiritual practice, you deepen the experience. 

The content that will follow is intended to introduce a variety of traditional spiritual practices so that in addition to what you are already doing, you might carve out 15-30 minutes a day specifically devoted to your spiritual practice.  Diligent attention to our spiritual practice provides a myriad of benefits including decreased stress,  increased peace and relaxation, increased productivity and creativity.  It just makes us happier and scientific research is beginning to prove that a regular mindfulness practice helps to support our physical health and wellbeing. 

Getting Started

As mentioned on the previous newsletter there is no right or wrong way to meditate or to enter into spiritual practice. I have learned, however, that there are certain things we can do to be successful in our goal. SHOWING UP for our spiritual practice. Remember…the only goal is to SHOW UP. The following steps may help you to do this.

  • Set aside a regular time each day for your spiritual practice where you can be
    uninterrupted for 15-30 minutes. For many people, this is first thing in the morning,
    but choose a time that works for your own personal bio-rhythms.
  • Choose a special place in your home or office that is designated as your place for your
    spiritual practice. It might be a certain chair in your living room, your drawing easel,
    maybe you have the luxury of setting up a meditation corner or room.
  • Have the tools that you need for your practice near your chosen place – your journal, a
    bible, writing utensils, maybe a candle or incense burner, a blanket.
  • Turn off any potential distractions – phones, computers, pagers, etc.
  • Create a ritual that helps you to enter into your practice. Light a candle. Burn
    incense. Say a prayer. Bow to your sacred space.

The 21-day Miracle

It is said that it takes 21 days to start a new habit. A daily spiritual practice of meditation, contemplation, mindfulness or prayer is simply a habit that you are entering into on purpose. It has been my experience, and one that I share with my students and clients, that if you dedicate the next 21 days to your spiritual practice, SOMETHING will happen within those 21 days that will make you NEVER want to miss your practice. This something will be so amazing that you will want to make your practice a priority and do it every day. I know it happened for me and I am now on over 30 years of a daily practice!

Let me know the miracle that you experience within those 21 days!

Starting a Spiritual Practice – Laying the Foundation

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

Part I of a series

Meditation has proved to be the single-most valuable tool through which I have birth to my Soul and a tool I recommend to clients and students. The purpose of this series is to offer helpful support for those who may be new to meditation as a spiritual practice and to provide additional resources for experienced meditators.

Starting and maintaining a spiritual practice is dependent on finding a style and format that works for you and practicing it.  Here I offer guidance on a wide variety of spiritual practices with the hopes that you will find one or two that work for you. 

It is said that it takes twenty-one days to start a new habit.  I promise that if you practice meditation daily for twenty-one days that something will happen in those twenty-one days that convinces you to NEVER miss your meditation practice.  You will find it to be as necessary as food, water and shelter and you will choose to do it because you find it so life-giving.

Defining Spiritual Practice

A spiritual practice is ultimately anything that helps you to connect with your higher self, God/dess, highest truth; and that which leads us to an experience of peace, contentment, focused attention, fulfillment, completion and love.  You are probably already engaging in some sort of activity in your daily life that brings you to these kinds of experiences—cooking, gardening, exercising, painting, drawing, house cleaning, parenting, making love, etc. etc. etc.  When you realize what it is you are already doing that brings you to these experiences and then bring the intention of it as being your spiritual practice, you deepen the experience. 

The content that will follow is intended to introduce a variety of traditional spiritual practices so that in addition to what you are already doing, you might carve out 15-30 minutes a day specifically devoted to your spiritual practice.  Diligent attention to our spiritual practice provides a myriad of benefits including decreased stress,  increased peace and relaxation, increased productivity and creativity.  It just makes us happier and scientific research is beginning to prove that a regular mindfulness practice helps to support our physical health and wellbeing. 

Dispelling Myths

The following myths have been propagated in regards to meditation as a spiritual practice.  None of these myths (from my perspective as an experienced meditator and Spiritual Director) are true.

• Meditation has a goal.

• The goal of meditation is silencing of the mind.

• There is a right and a wrong way to”do” meditation.

• If you reach the state of peace, you did it right….if not, you did it wrong.

• An empty mind is the devil’s playground.

• Meditating makes you a “better” person.

• Only enlightened/holy people meditate.

• Meditation is the path to enlightenment.

• Sitting in silence is the only valid form of meditation….or it is the preferred method.

• Meditation is an Eastern practice and cannot be practiced by Christians.

• Eastern meditation practices are dangerous.

• Lay people cannot meditate.

Secrets to Your Success

The goal of spiritual practice is “NO GOAL.” Your job is to simply show up. Striving after
a goal (other than showing up) will prove to be an obstacle to your practice.

There is no right or wrong way to meditate.

If you find that state of inner calm and peace…..it is PURE GRACE…..not something you
received because you finally meditated the right way or enough times.

There is a rich tradition of meditation and contemplation in the Hebrew and Christian
traditions.

It is in the emptiness that we find God/Goddess/Love/Truth. We are also invited to
find God/dess in the midst of the chaos.

Meditation can be receptive (listening, sitting, being) or active (expressing, moving,
giving, processing).

Meditation encompasses many formats and practices including but not limited
to: meditative reading of sacred texts, journaling, sitting in silence, movement (yoga,
tai chi, dance, etc.), chant, listening to music, daydreaming, paying attention to our
dreams, mindfulness practices, acts of service, making love, being present to our family and friends, being out in nature, creative expression, painting, drawing, cooking, cleaning, etc. etc. etc.

A spiritual practice is anything that helps us connect with God/dess, peace, love, joy,
flow, compassion, harmony, forgiveness, mercy, ecstasy.

In the Western tradition, Meditation refers to the reflective thoughts in the mind. In the
Eastern Tradition, meditation is understood to mean sitting in silence. Contemplation is the term used in the Western tradition to refer to sitting or being in silence with God/dess

The only danger in meditation or contemplation is connecting with your truth.
Warning: Truth can be a dangerous thing if we are not prepared or if we do not have the
support for accepting and processing it. As Gloria Steinem said, “The truth will set you
free, but first it will kick your butt.”

Meditation may lead you to enlightenment, if that is your path in this life;, it will help
you to be a happier, more peaceful and more loving human being.

From the Hebrew and Christian perspectives, meditation and contemplation will
empower you to experience the Kingdom of God/dess right here, right now, in this
life. You will discover that you don’t have to die to know the peace and love of God/dess.

Meditation can be practiced by ANYONE……regardless of your race, color, creed,
education, status, position of power, ordained or not, etc. etc. etc.

Stay tuned for the next topic in this series: Starting a Spiritual Practice! Copyright Lauri Ann Lumby

Juggling Timelines

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

Just when I think I know and understand where things are going and what path I am following in my life, the Universe tosses in a banana peel. I see the peel as it tumbles to the ground before me, step aside to avoid it, just as the Universe reveals an unexpected turn in the path, a change in direction, or even, a complete and total dead end. 

The same can be said of meaning. For years, I was driven to find meaning in anything and everything – dreams, animal appearances, the shape of clouds, a pain in my knee, a tarot card. I have since learned that we are the meaning makers – meaning we determine what meaning to give to what we see and experience.  Sometimes the meaning we assign proves correct (or is it only correct because we have programmed ourselves to interpret the outcome based on the meaning we gave it), but more often than not, life has a good laugh at us as the meaning changes over time or ends up being altogether wrong.

Whereas we may be tempted to assign meaning and define our paths, life doesn’t really work that way. Instead, we are invited to acknowledge that life simply is, and to be present to what is allowing it to unfold in the way it needs to without our intrusion or interference.

One way to think of this is that the Universe has an intention and a destination, we are a part of that unfolding, and what is unfolding is in our highest good – even/especially when it doesn’t look or feel like it is. Assigning meaning or thinking we understand the path, provides us with a moment of satisfaction, but ultimately does us harm.  The better, more beneficial response is to do nothing – cease from assigning meaning, stop getting attached to hoped-for outcomes, and just ride the wave of the unfolding.

Recently, the invitation to ride the wave of unfolding came up and hit me right between the eyes. As I said to a friend just the other day:

It’s super weird working two jobs while
simultaneously holding space for 87 potential timelines.

As I’m navigating two part-time jobs, I am watching timelines rise and fall, meaning show itself then disappear, outcomes emerge and just as quickly collapse. All of this is happening at the very same time humanity is navigating a similar journey- a possibility shows itself then disintegrates, hope emerges and is just as quickly dashed, at the moment we think we know what is happening, the Universe pulls away another veil and we are left confounded, confused, and disoriented once again. It feels like the Universe is trying to figure out its own shit while leaving us to be the victims of its indecision.

Or maybe the Universe knows exactly what its doing and all of this is for our highest good – whether we want to believe that or not. Regardless, the lesson is the same:

Be present to what is.

Allow things to unfold on their own.

Refrain from assigning meaning or defining outcomes.

Trust that all of this is in our highest good – whether we believe that or not.

Remembering Who We Are

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

It seems I have forgotten who I am, and in the forgetting, I have become ill.

Beyond my work as an author, writer, spiritual director, and educator, I have another job. For forty-nine weeks of the year, the job is fine – good even. Three weeks of the year, not so much – not because of the job itself, but because of the price to my nervous system. Being a highly sensitive empathic introvert who struggles with the symptoms of C-PTSD, Epstein Barr, kidney disease, and hypothyroid, I’m vulnerable on a normal day. During these three weeks, ones that require much more from me than usual, I find I struggle. To survive these three weeks, I find I only have the bandwidth to show up where I need to be, when I need to be there, and complete the tasks required. After the work is complete all I have left is to go home and “rot” (ie: disassociate, recover).

During those three weeks, I find it impossible to be my normal self. Instead, I find myself being short-tempered, impatient, grumpy, and extra sensitive. Whereas I have done a pretty good job of cultivating detachment and a sense of peaceful ease during normal weeks, for these three weeks – all bets are off.

I don’t like who I become when everything around me ends up being a trigger.

Following those three weeks, I spend as much time as possible doing nothing, hermiting in my cave, resting, sleeping, and trying to return to my so-called normal. A big part of this return to “normal” is trying to remember who I am when my nervous system isn’t being overstimulated by too much sound, vibration, movement, light, and other people’s energies.

Now that those three weeks are over, little by little, I’m starting to remember.

When a task takes so much of our physical, emotional, and mental effort, it is easy to forget who we are REALLY. Getting lost in to-do lists, unexpected emergencies, other people’s emotions, and all the details that go into a monumental creation, it is easy to forget that we are not those tasks. We are not the emergencies. Neither are we other people’s emotions. Even with time to regroup and recover, remembering who we really are beyond these responsibilities is difficult at best.

  • Remembering requires separation. Separation and distance from what made us forget.
  • Remembering demands quiet, stillness, and silence – asking us to enter into that place of calm where our true self resides.
  • Remembering invites a return to routine – the routine out of which our body and soul feel nourished, safe, and supported.
  • Remembering asks us to listen – to listen to the “still-small voice,” that knows our truth and what is important for our Soul’s fulfillment.
  • Remembering is accomplished through practice – practicing the distance, the quiet, the routine, and the listening that support us in calling back all the strands of ourselves we have given away and then replanting them deep into the ground where they can begin (again) to thrive.

This year’s remembering has just begun, but already I’ve been reminded of why I’m really here. Not because of the tasks. Not because of the roles, certificates, or titles. Not because of what I do or how I make a living. I’m here to BE who I am and who I am meant to be and that has a specific symbol that has meaning only to me. If I share it, perhaps you’ll get a glimpse of the calling that will spark your own journey of remembering.

For nearly fifty years, (and many lifetimes), Lauri Ann Lumby has been a student and devote’ of Mary, called Magdalene. From original source material, Lauri has discovered remembered the secret teachings of Jesus, as they were revealed to the Magdalene. Lauri has applied these teachings in her own life and from this has developed a curriculum of practical study for those interested in remembering and embodying the truth of their original nature as Love.

Learn more here.

Being Gentle with Ourselves

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

It is near impossible to ignore the death throes of the dying empire. We are bombarded with the symptoms every day – often every minute of every day. It is constant and relentless.

What we may forget to heed, however, is the credit we are due for enduring the constant assault on our being – our bodies, minds, and spirits are all suffering from the assault of a world gone mad. Admittedly, “enduring” might be overreach when on most days simply surviving feels like an enormous effort. The fact that you’re reading this, however, tells me that at the very least, you are surviving. Perhaps just by the skin of your teeth – but you’re still here.  That’s the point.

The dying world is not meant to destroy us (though there will be those destroyed by the collapse). It will test and challenge us. In direct opposition to our conditioning, the purpose of the test is not so that we might exert our strength or bolster our will. Instead, the invitation in the face of the dying system is to learn how to be soft. Instead of toughening us, the empire’s collapse is meant to make us more gentle. Gentle with ourselves – and others.

Learning to be gentle starts with ourselves. It begins with a thorough examination of our conditioning and all the ways we were ridiculed, condemned, criticized or rejected for being sensitive, kind, quiet, compassionate, caring, sharing, and gentle. The examination continues by exploring how our conditioning told us how we should be instead: strong, brave, courageous, competitive, tough, bullet-proof, etc. In the world that is dying, we have not been rewarded for being gentle – only for being tough. The new world that we are moving into will reward us for being gentle.

Choosing that new world starts today. Give yourself credit for the suffering you have endured in your life thus far. Acknowledge the losses, betrayals, deceptions, and heartbreaks you have suffered. If you have suffered trauma, offer yourself grace when your past traumas are triggered. Give yourself permission to do nothing, to wallow, to “rot” (as Gen Z’s say). If your panic or fear are triggered and your brain goes numb, allow yourself to check out. Be quiet. Be still.  BE NON-Productive (our value is NOT determined by our productivity – as much as we’ve been told otherwise)!  Defy the capitalistic, patriarchal expectations around striving after achievement, seeking to be known or seen. Popularity does not determine our value!  When you’re feeling sad – be sad. Weep, cry, wail, flail. Do whatever you need to do to be present with your feelings and then take a rest. Nap. Sleep. Read. Listen to music. Take a day or three to do absolutely nothing. Hide under the covers. Retreat into your cave. Walk slowly and gently. Be conscious of your breathing and slow it down. Close your eyes and just listen to the quiet of the universe. Meditate. Pray. Be simple with your meals. No one expects you to be Martha Stewart. Say no to invitations. Don’t buy into the shoulds of holidays. Skip the decorations and the pressure.

And more than any of this – be gentle with yourself. Cease from judging your feelings and just accept them as they are. Don’t condemn yourself for your sensitivity – celebrate it. Hold yourself in gently fierce loving care when you feel like you are falling apart. Be compassionate with yourself when you break down or shut down or dissociate. Don’t measure your day by how you are feeling. If it takes you 3 days or a week to get through a trigger response, then that’s exactly what you needed. Celebrate your willingness to give yourself exactly what you need.

Journeying through the collapse of an empire is an experience like no other. As it’s been several hundred years since the most recent collapse of western civilization, we’re entitled to feel burdened and overwhelmed. We also know from the past that it is not the loud or the brave who survived, but those who knew how to move quietly, slowly, even invisibly, and who more than anything, knew how to be loving toward themselves, gentle and caring toward others. Let this be our invitation as we navigate the death throes – that our gentleness be our salvation.

Everything is a Practice

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Finding our way along the journey of self-actualization and personal mastery, we eventually come to the realization that everything is a practice. Whereas the early stages of our journey may have put us on the path to setting time aside each day for a dedicated mindfulness, contemplation, or meditation practice, we soon come to find out that our dedicated practice begins to spill out into the everyday experiences of our lives. Soon, everything becomes grist for the mill as we work to heal all within us that separates us from our original nature as love, while continuing to love the pieces that are not yet healed.

For me, this “everything practice” showed up in one extremely subtle and another powerfully obvious way.

I’ll begin with the extremely subtle:  I’ve been noticing in my daily practice an almost undetectable sorrow. It showed itself as a sorrow I could not initially name, but felt very deep and infinitely small. When I reached toward this sorrow, I perceived it as a tiny dot, no bigger than the end of a pencil. As it my practice, I’ve spent this week “working” on that dot of sorrow. Going toward it (instead of away). Pointing to it and “sending” healing. Holding the sorrow and asking what it had to say to me or teach me. The goal of this practice is to simply show up to that sorrow. In my experience, the fruits of this kind of practice eventually lead to healing and release, or alternatively, the revelation of something hiding behind the sorrow that seeks to be known. I’m still working on this piece, but I have gotten a glimpse of the original wound of separation that is just beyond this sorrow. That glimpse nearly gave me a panic attack, but I know that the only way to continue healing that wound is to stay with it.

The powerfully obvious way that everything presented itself as practice arose in a fit of rage. Without boring you with the gory details, suffice it to say that the rage was in the form of ranting resentment over a need for which I had requested support. The support was denied. To be honest, as I write this, I’m still pissed. First – because I rarely ask for help. Second because I should have known better.

What I do know, however, is that beyond the ranting and raving (which are appropriate inner responses to our needs not being met) is an old wound showing itself for another layer of healing – the wound of unmet needs. This is a pretty universal wound in that most people can share stories, experiences, conditioning, etc. in which their needs have gone unmet, or been flat-out rejected. Every time we have the courage to ask for help, and it is denied, a part of us feels like it has died. Heap up a lifetime of rejected and unmet needs, and the wound becomes a gaping hole. For myself personally, this is a wound I’ve given much time and attention to in the form of transformational practices. And, just like most everyone else, it’s a wound that still needs love. First, we have to work on healing the wound of rejection. Next, we tackle the wound of unmet needs. Finally, we do the work of meeting our own needs while setting appropriate boundaries around those who, due due to their own unhealed wounds (likely), are unable to be a reciprocal source of support for others.

From the very subtle to the greatest of charged emotions, everything is our self asking to be seen, known, and loved. This love, ultimately, is what our practice is all about.

Ugh!

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

For the thirty-or-so of you who continue to read my articles, thank you for your patience these past few weeks. In short – this care-giver is all cared out! I know in this I’m not alone.

The past several weeks have been heavy with intensity, anxiety, and dare I say, INSANITY. When I think things just can’t get worse in our world another shoe drops.  Just when I pray, “surely this is the tipping point that will bring the whole house of cards down upon itself,” it is not. It seems instead of wholesale collapse, the empire is dying one mortar chip at a time.

And we are all exhausted from the waiting and weighting. It is heavy work to be a visionary, prophet, lightworker, healer, starborne, starseed, and carer when the only paradigm we have ever known is coming to it’s self-created violent ending. Moreso even than the system itself, we have been bearing, upholding, and supporting those who are finding themselves anxious, frantic, nervous, and worried in the face of a collapse about which they may not even be aware. We have been a source of support for others while desperately trying to be support for ourselves.

For the past several weeks, I have found myself in complete survival mode. Between a world in collapse and some new (not really) health issues that have surfaced, it’s all I can do to get out of bed in the morning – not because I’m depressed – because I am bone weary and soul tired. On my good days, I’m honored when people seek me out for support. On my bad days, I’m sick to death of other people’s shit. (Not everyone’s shit….just those unwilling to tend to their own work.)

Does this make me a bad person? No, it just means I’m tired and as usual, excruciatingly human.

Humans exhaust me. When I’m tired, unwell, impatient, frustrated, and fumbling, I exhaust myself. Again, I know I’m not alone in this. I likely exhaust others. (ha ha).  But seriously, so many who reach out to me speak of their own disgust with themselves.

When the world is turning itself inside out, we can no longer survive as the person we once thought of ourselves as being. As the masks behind which the human-made world are falling away and the evil behind it all is being revealed, our masks also must fall. The masks I have worn are those of perfectionist, good-girl, straight A student, achiever, hard worker, honest, strong, brave, courageous, fiercely independent, and generously loving. Behind these masks, I am these things, but not always. I too am vulnerable, anxious, terrified, jealous, petty, unforgiving, harsh, and the deceit I indulge is that of people pleaser.  “I’m fine,” is a bold-faced lie and while I have love of all humanity, I sometimes wish a violent death upon those I call my enemies – or at the very least – a heaping portion of karmic retribution.

As the world has been collapsing and masks have been torn away, so too have we been forced to admit the full truth of who we are. We can no longer hide behind the expectations of a capitalistic patriarchal society.  Neither can we live under the burden of the driving, striving, and blind ambition favored by our world.

We must live our truth – or die. “Just hanging on” is no longer enough. Instead, we are invited to LET IT ALL GO. Quit trying to fit in. Quit lying to ourselves. Quit trying to be strong. Quit trying to help or care for those unwilling to help themselves. Quit forcing ourselves to take action where no action is needed and where our gifts have been denied. Quit denying the reality of aging and the physical consequences of illness.  Instead, we’re invited to embrace them. (Hollywood, Instagram, etc. beauty standards are simply another part of a world that is dying. Have you seen what is happening to Hollywood actresses? So many of them now look like corpses.  Gross!) Quit pretending we are well when we are not. Quit “faking it to make it.”

And more than anything else:  DARE to love yourself enough to choose what is life-giving for you, even/especially when what is best is to sleep.

And finally, DO NOT forget that if you are one who sees and believes in the hope of a new world, this new world is being born through you. As such, your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies are hard at work growing and getting ready to birth that new world. Be gentle and loving toward yourself as you would be with a brand new babe. In this birthing, we are fragile and vulnerable. Treat yourself as such!

With love,

Lauri

She Said the Thing

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The truth of chronic illness

This past week, I had what I thought was going to be a routine session with my acupuncturist and Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner. It ended up everything but routine as that morning ended up being “one of my bad days” with unexpected and anxiety provoking symptoms. The acupuncture treatment helped ease the symptoms and Megan gave me instructions to follow up with my primary care doctor “just in case” there is more that needs to be explored. (My primary care and I are currently exploring a possible thyroid issue.)

It wasn’t this that made this week’s session remarkable, however, it was the thing Megan said. I’m not going to be able to repeat it verbatim but it was the exact acknowledgement that I needed to hear. In her compassionate seeing, Megan recognized the very real fact that most of the time, I feel like shit. Following that up with the masking that I do to make it through each day despite feeling like shit. I took Megan’s hand in mine and through tears, thanked her for SEEING ME.

Because this is the reality, I do feel like shit pretty much every day. Between Epstein-Barr, permanent vestibular neuritis, panic attack disorder, being a highly sensitive person, neurodivergent, and having polycystic kidney disease, my baseline is somewhere around 50-60%.  I’m tired and cold all the time. I’m always suffering some version of mild vertigo (giddiness). My chronic headaches have been better, but as I write I’m on day 6 of a constant dull ache. I’m on all the medications to manage my kidney disease, and every one comes with their own set of side effects. Ugh.

I don’t write this in search of pity. I share this to reveal the whole truth about chronic illness and to point out that we live in a world that has no real support for the chronically ill. Instead, we’re forced to put on a happy face, go out into the world, work to earn money to pay our bills, grocery shop, exercise, stay fit, eat right, and not complain about the fact that while we are doing all these things to make it in this world, we often feel like complete shit. Pushing through the pain, fatigue, etc. then just makes us feel worse.

The chronically ill are invisible in our world; and yet we make up 60-90% of the American population. This means that every day, 60-90% of the people we encounter are feeling like complete shit while trying to complete the tasks required of them in a capitalistic culture. Other than disability income (which very few qualify for), there are no safety nets. Zero. Zilch. Nadda.

I can’t speak for others who suffer with chronic illness, but for me, I’ve carved out a way to make a living that (somewhat) accommodates for my vulnerabilities. At the same time, it is a constant effort to show up for work. I’m fortunate to have clients who understand if I have to miss a day or reschedule.  Making this choice, however, costs me in real US dollars so I reserve that right only on my worst days. Often I show up even when feeling like I really just need to stay home and do nothing or sleep. I’m also grateful for the unexpected and often miraculous ways that financial support shows up, allowing me to be more gentle, compassionate, and caring toward my fragile body.

And today, I’m especially grateful to Megan Bartelt, L.Ac. Dipl. Ac. for through her words, I am finally feeling seen. 

When Your Demons Come Home to Roost

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Letters from Hell #6

Today is a bad day. This has been a difficult weekend. For no (every) reason whatsoever, I have been feeling profoundly sad bordering on depressed. This is a stuck kind of sorrow compounded by a prescription antidepressant that makes it really difficult for me to cry. I feel like I’ve got a 20 ton boulder sitting on my chest, just behind my sternum.

Usually, I know what to do with this kind of sorrow.  I sit with it. I allow myself to feel it. I apply Tonglen or Ho’oponopono to it. This time, neither seem to be budging the load.

I allowed myself a weekend of self-care. I planned for nothing and allowed myself to simply rest. I didn’t much have a choice as I’ve also been feeling the consequences of autumn allergies. To put it bluntly I feel like SH*T. I don’t do well when I’m sick. I tend to fall into judgment, self-loathing, and self-flagellation at the hands of my inner critic who looks an awful lot like the “Shame nun” from Game of Thrones. “Shame.  Shame.  Shame.”

I’m not good at being vulnerable. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t want to invite anyone into my vulnerability. There is really nothing anyone can say that will make it better when I’m feeling this way. I know I just need to wait it out.

This morning I wrote in my journal.  These are the words that surfaced:

Taking this moment to pause. Suffering fall allergies and the pure exhaustion of a forced life. How much have I forced my self to be and do ____________ instead of just being myself. I’m tired. I feel stuck, but I’m not sure I really care. I’ve worn out my dreams.

I’ve worn out my dreams.

My dreams of a forever love.

Dreams of becoming a successful writer.

Fantasies of becoming a sought-after teacher.

Herein lies at least one face of this deep sorrow. I’m grieving. I’m grieving the failure of the goals, wishes, and dreams I had for my life and which I pursued with a vengeance. No one can say that I didn’t try (though I know some who will tell me I didn’t try hard enough or in the right way – to them I say, whatever).

Life doesn’t always give us what we want. And when we don’t get what we want, we can be like Sisyphus vainly attempting to roll the boulder up the mountain, killing ourselves in the process, or step aside, letting gravity take the boulder to where it naturally wants to go.

At some point in our lives, we are all faced with a crowd of our unrealized dreams. We can cling to or try to revive these dreams, or we can surrender to the fact that maybe these dreams were never meant to be fulfilled and/or that the journey was the point, and not the destination.

It still makes me mad. I know what my gifts are and on some days it just kills me to know that they are not being utilized.

I grieve this as well.

As the Rolling Stones once said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you’ll find, you get what you need.” (Hmmm….that might be bullshit too….unless they’re including getting what we need only by the skin of our teeth.)

Being human is hard. Today is one of those days where it feels especially hard. I don’t like feeling sad or vulnerable. I don’t appreciate the demons of self-doubt, personal loathing, or shame that dance around in my head when I’m feeling this way. I also know better than to try to “change my thoughts” (toxic positivity) in an attempt to make the demons go away.

Instead, I sit with the demons. I call each of them forward. And I do my best to LOVE them. Each of them arose out of some kind of need – whether it be the need to belong, the need to believe the lies of perceived authority, or to keep me in compliance with the system, they came as some kind of support. Additionally, they show up to remind me of the deep pain I’m still carrying from trauma I’ve experienced in my life, along with an invitation to tend to yet another deeper layer of that pain that is now ready to be seen, felt, processed and released.

As is always true of the spiritual journey – wash, rinse repeat. So back to the demons I go to hear what they have to offer me in the way of healing this time.

Thank you sirs, may I have another.

Hell Isn’t All Bad

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Letters from Hell #4

Living in hell isn’t all bad. Hell definitely has its perks:

  1. Living in hell allows us to clearly see the world humanity has created for itself – one that springs forth out of fear and which seeks after power and control in the hopes of mitigating that fear.
  2. Living in hell shows us daily the consequences of this quest for power – greed, gluttony, and the violence that humanity wields in their never-ending quest for MORE.
  3. Hell has been increasingly peeling back the layers of humanity’s corruption and all the lies that have been cultivated to justify injustice.
  4. Hell allows us to see who people truly are, including the lies they continue to tell themselves so they might benefit from the system hell created.
  5. Hell also shows us who we are not.
  6. Every second of every day, hell shows us the system that allows for its survival, along with how to escape that system – if only we would pay attention.

The doorway into hell is the same path by which we can escape. Humanity, as a collective, is not doomed to an eternity in hell. As individuals, we are not condemned to waiting for everyone else to wake up before we can make our own escape. The steps necessary for our escape are simple:

  1. We willing to see the hell-system for what it is – a system that is based on and manipulates us through fear.
  2. Harness the skills of observation required to identify all the seemingly infinite ways in which the system is attempting to manipulate you through fear (or shame).
  3. When you notice the system attempting to trigger your fear/shame – SAY NO!
  4. Instead of giving into the fear, STOP and turn your gaze inward – what is the fear that is being triggered? Where did you first experience this fear/shame?
  5. Engage in the mindfulness/meditation practices that you have for releasing/healing/transforming that fear.
  6. Wash, rinse, repeat.

As the journey into hell was created by a thousand steps, so too is the journey out. Escaping hell is all about identifying every wound, trauma, fear, and past conditioning that ties us to the system, and then unraveling ourselves from them. The journey out of hell is about healing through heightened awareness, and radical personal accountability. The more we see the ways in which the system controls us, the more power we have for making our escape.

Whereas the cacophony of the system wants us to believe otherwise, hell is not what the majority of humanity wants. At our core, most of us yearn for peace. We long for connection. We ache for compassion and kindness. And we’re driven toward justice. To escape hell, we cannot allow the system to convince us otherwise – for humanity is made of Love and it will ultimately be to Love that we will return.

For Support Along the Journey:

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