One of the deepest griefs is when we realize that no matter our efforts or good intentions, we cannot help those who don’t want to be helped or who have no desire to change.

No matter the gifts we have or how another’s life might benefit from those gifts, even when they ask to partake of our gifts, if they’re unwilling to apply these gifts, they will remain in whatever state of misery they’ve gathering around themselves.

I remember someone once asking for my guidance and support on a particular matter. Knowing my guidance wouldn’t sway them, I said no. They begged and pleaded, and I kept saying no, duly warning them, “You’re not going to like what I have to say.” They insisted, while promising they trusted me and took great stock in my wisdom. Finally I gave them what they asked for. They haven’t spoken to me since.

Another time, I knew a certain relationship would fail. This time I held my tongue. What business was it of mine who someone decides to marry? Instead, I waited and watched – all the time recognizing the confirmation of what I already knew. When the end I always knew was coming finally arrived, in a moment of what I thought might be support, I shared what I had always known – that the relationship would fail. They also haven’t spoken to me since.

Even when people insist they want our gifts, they do not. Not unless they are the kind of person who truly wants to grow and who is able and willing to be radically accountable to their wounds while acknowledging the reason why they have clung to them so strongly. Only then might our gifts be of help. Otherwise, we cannot help them.