I Care Too Much

/ Lauri Ann Lumby

I have a confession to make.  I talk big about cultivating the fine art of detachment and learning not to care, but in reality, I care too much. It’s a problem:

  • I care about the state of our world.
  • I care about humanity’s wellbeing.
  • I care about the lack of peace and the pervasive nature of conflict.
  • I care that some humans are truly evil and intentionally cruel.
  • I care about the health of our environment and the safety of our water and food.
  • I care about injustice.
  • I care that people are starving, homeless, without adequate medical care, living in war-torn countries where their safety is continually threatened.
  • I care that people die in unnecessary wars.
  • I care that the best humanity can come up with for resolving conflict is war.
  • I care about ignorance and the bad decisions human beings make because of a lack of verifiable information.
  • I care that there are people in the world who thrive on manipulating and abusing others.
  • I care…I care…I care…

More than all of this, I care about the people I love. I want the best for them.  I want them to be happy, healthy, well cared for, and safe. I want them to succeed in whatever they set out to do. I want them to have peace, to know contentment and to experience joy. I want them to feel loved.

The problem with caring, is that I am not in control over any of the things I care about. That drives me insane. It is excruciating to observe humanity and to see all the unnecessary violence, conflict, and hatred. It is even more difficult to watch those you love make decisions that will cause themselves or someone else harm. It is especially challenging when you have some experience in a certain area and can predict the harm that will come when one takes a certain path. This is hundred-fold true when you have a tiny bit of pre-sentience and a thousand-fold true when you are an empath, or when someone you love asks for guidance, and you give it, and they choose the exact opposite.

It actually hurts me to see some choosing certain paths. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about any of it. So I writhe in agony. I become frustrated, angry, and impatient. I get balled up in self-righteousness. My anxiety escalates and my depression deepens. Sometimes it’s so bad my PTSD is triggered. It sucks.

Then I apply every single spiritual practice I know for detaching and letting go. Sometimes it helps. More often not. Or if it does, the effects are only temporary, and I find myself right back in the place of caring.

UGH!

There are days I want to shake my fist at God: “Why did you make me care???”  There are other days I try to bargain, “Can’t you make me NOT CARE like so many people seem to do?”  Then there are the days where I make myself not care – I have to get angry to not care, and then I feel guilty and like I’m being a complete asshole.

UGH!

Caring is a curse, but I’m not sure I would want to be any other way. Someone has to give a shit!  Right!?  If I don’t care, who will? If someone doesn’t care what will come of this world?

But then I look at what we call “God.”  Does “He” even care? I sometimes think not. Instead, it seems that God leaves us to our own devices and lets the chips fall where they may – consequences, natural law, karma, and all that jazz.

If God doesn’t care, then why do I?  It’s a serious question.

Some might call caring “codependency.” Yeah, I can own that. I do care – often too much. The too much is an ebb and a flow. Better on some days than others. When I’m feeling vulnerable, or anxious, or unwell, it might be worse. When my PTSD is triggered it’s definitely worse. Unraveling from being a first-born and certain cultural conditioning is hard. Healing from childhood wounds and forced extroverted niceness (brought about by multiple moves) takes time. People pleasing and over-responsibility have to be unlearned.

It’s a journey. But as hard as I am on others, I’m a million times harder on myself. I should have this thing down by now. Right!?

WRONG!  Not even close.  Turns out I’m human, fragile, vulnerable, and imperfect and broken just like everyone else. And more than anything else, I am not in control over the fact that I am excruciatingly human – and that just kills me.

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6 thoughts on “I Care Too Much”

  1. Well. I reply without knowing what I am going to say. Your comment about God not caring is a starting point. It is a nagging question. It all comes home to me when I see children on the verge of starvation because of wars that cut off supplies. i.e. Gaza and Sudan. It is an existential question for me as to why God doesn’t intervene with a strong arm and mighty hand to put a stop to all that is preventing the distribution of aid. I listen to Doctors without Borders telling about the need for supplies  and about their frustration.     I come away without answers.  I too practice detachment as a means of survival for myself.  I am driven to my knees and say “Oh, God, in your mercy”. The only realization that I come away with is that I must spend more time, and employ greater faith that  prayer changes things “on the ground”  I need to go inside, close the “little postern gate” behind me, and enter into deep solitude, the Holy of Holies, the sanctity  of my own soul (self) and to raise up those images of children and to see them as illuminated by the emanating Presence.- that in some mysterious way the Light of that Presence will embrace them, inside and out.     I light candles, both real and battery operated to remind myself of that same light which the darkness is trying its best to put out but has not succeeded.

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    • I wonder if God doesn’t intervene because human beings are supposed to. Human beings don’t because we’re wounded. To me it boils down to human beings finding healing but so few actually seek it out and fewer still do the work. Perhaps this is just the truth of the human condition. And like the prodigal father, God lets us be to find our own way in our own time. I sometimes think our Zen sisters and brothers have it right – “we are all here in our own sit.” Meaning, the only person’s healing that is our business is our own.

      That being said, I do believe that sending love/prayer out into the world HAS to make a difference of some sort. I’m not sure what kind, but it can’t be for naught.

      I have joined you in that inner room!

      With love,
      Lauri

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      • Hi,  — Another Dimension to Prayer–     Our Zhineng Qigong practice comes into play whereby we send Qi to another by simply enlarging the space of Shen in their body.  Shen is a space just below the heart that contains a person’s Spirit or true self. We increase that space in all directions and  the physical body is merged with the formless spiritual body until the resulting union fills every nook and cranny of the body with abundant healing Qi and information.    How do we do so?  It’s easy, no excruciating precise practice of techniques.  ( like I used to do.) We just “see” a person’s Shen-space and envision it expanding, merging with the physical body to manifest a new entity that automatically, if you would, is whole and healthy.  WE TRUST THAT our transmission of working Qi ((healing energy) will TRANSFORM any disharmonies or irregularities.      This activity for me is  prayer. We have experienced the presence of a Roman Catholiic priest who attends our Qigong retreats. This priest is responsible for training other priests.He is an educator.  He asked me, “Do you know  why I come to your retreats?”   I said, “Tell me”. He replied, “BECAUSE I BELIEVE THIS (your practice of Qigong) IS THE WAY THAT JESUS HEALED”.

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      • Dennis, thank you for sharing this! Your Zhineng Quigong practice sounds very much like what we do with Reiki. I too believe this to be a form of prayer. We are acting as God’s vessel through which space may be created in which healing can take place. The how and the what are up to God. (PS I wish the hierarchy would see as your priest friend does!!!!!!! Reiki is NOT “the work of the devil” as some not-so-well-meaning Catholics have accused, and the hierarchy readily bought into.)

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      • Just a little chit-chat, dear Lauri. Years ago I was a member of a team who practiced Reiki for cancer patients. The facility was owned by a Catholic hospital. I recall when the Council of Bishops came out with the prohibition about Reiki. We were ordered to cease and desist. We were devastated. It was like a slap in the face. So- we practiced in secret!! It came to light that several of our Reikl practitioners had been taught their Reiki by Roman Catholic nuns.  We knew in pur hearts that they would have no intentions of stopping.  No edict could stop the practice of truth, wellness and healing. !

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      • Indeed! I was also taught Reiki by Catholic nuns!!!!! As I was reminded in the Cabrini movie: women trying to do the work of compassion blocked by the patriarchy for 2000 years! I simply left the institution and took my Reiki elsewhere. As St, Peter said, “”We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29)

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