Personal Mastery

Unraveling the Wound of ME

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but this past week has been quite a doozy!  I wouldn’t even bother to write about it except that nearly everyone I know has shared the common experience of a “what the heck was that?” kind of week.

Some of the things I’ve heard, witnessed, and been a party to:

  • DEEP Depression the likes of which we haven’t seen in months/years.
  • Strangely triggering experiences with disproportionate reactions.
  • Not just rugs, entire carpets being pulled out from beneath us.
  • A feeling (literal and figurative) of losing the ground beneath our feet.
  • Old, ancient wounds – ones we thought we were done with – paying us a visit.
  • Sudden losses including the ending of relationships.
  • Final straws on camel’s backs calling for immediate response.
  • Complete immobility, lack of motivation and/or interest…in anything.
  • Unexplained sorrow and intermittent tears.

I can’t even begin to offer an explanation of why any of this is happening, or the causes behind it.  I just know it is and has been. For me it’s been a week of writhing and groaning with a whole lot of nothing.  Nothing to do.  Nothing to be. Just nothing. And the realization that there are just not enough shows on Netflix to soothe a week such as the one we just had.

Yes, the world itself is insane. But, for me anyway, the past week felt much more personal – but even that said, I can’t put a finger on what the personal is. My normal inquiry, “What is the wound that is asking to be healed?” just isn’t working here. Either I’m fresh out of wounds, or I, myself, am the wound.

Now there’s a thought!  What if the wound is ME?

I don’t mean this in any sense of self-loathing or self-rejection (or do I?). But…. accompanying the writhing this past week was a whole lot of life-reviews. Visions and memories of really old stuff – experiences that caused me shame or regret, decisions I made that went wrongly, past relationships, old jobs that didn’t fit, every single experience/relationship that felt abusive in some way.

I’m not one to spend time entertaining regret. Shame, however, is another story. Shame, that in hindsight, I had no reason to feel. You see, it wasn’t my shame. It was someone else’s rejection, critique, or condemnation of me for any number of reasons. I wasn’t thin enough. I ate too much. I was too smart. I saw through their lies and bullshit. I couldn’t perform a certain task (through no fault of my own). My lifestyle choices and desire for ease didn’t fit theirs. I exercised the wrong way. I could see the truth they didn’t want me to see. My goals, desires, wants, weren’t the same as theirs. I didn’t obey the rules they wanted to impose upon me. I questioned authority. I challenged hypocrisy.   

There was no reason for me to feel shame for any of this – but, as it turns out, I did/do. Why? Because the rejection, condemnation, etc. was PERSONAL. It wasn’t the actions or behaviors they were rejecting.  It was ME they were rejecting. It was ME because the things these individuals and institutions chose to reject were all based on WHO I TRULY AM. All those years in the past I spent trying to just be myself and being told WHO I AM is not ok.

  • My body is what it is and can’t be forced into a certain shape or size (no matter how hard I tried).
  • My metabolism is what it is and before menopause I had to eat large portions just to survive.
  • I’m smart. I can’t help it. I just am.  I know things. I remember things. I like to learn.
  • I prefer ease to chaos, gentle to harsh, peace to conflict.
  • I’m an introvert. I like people, but I thrive in solitude.
  • I’m outgoing but shy.
  • I don’t like to toot my own horn, or wave a banner to my success.
  • I’m humble.
  • I can read people and I know immediately when someone is lying, a liar, or taking advantage of my generosity and I have a visceral response to these awarenesses. I can’t help it.  I just know and the knowing is somatic.
  • I live by my own truth barometer and profess no outside perceived authority except MYSELF.

All of these things are true about me and part of who I am. I can’t help it. It’s just ME.

All this to come to the realization that indeed, the wound that is asking to be healed in me and which arose through all the weirdness this past week (for me anyway) is the wound of ME. Every single thing, experience, interaction, etc. that causes me to feel as if there is something wrong with ME. That something about ME is wrong. That I have to apologize for who I am or beg for what I need to be ME.

The wound that is asking to be healed is ME.

 Image credit: Facebook AI portrait generator. Turns out this one actually looks like me!  😊

Calling All Warriors

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

As the RNC pulls out of Milwaukee, and the DNC moves toward penetrating Chicago, (puns intended), we find ourselves at a dangerous crossroads – all roads leading toward disaster.  At this crossroads we have an opportunity to make a deal with the devil, or find ourselves another way through this mess.

Indeed, we are staring the death of the republic in the face. Horrible to look at and yet we cannot look away!  This is an ending we have sadly brought upon ourselves.

As with the fall of Rome, we are facing an inevitable death – and die it will.  But unlike the Romans, we are being given a choice in the empire’s end.  We can allow ourselves to be destroyed by it – or rise above (or as I prefer – to burrow beneath).

Whether you are a “rise above” or a “burrow beneath” person, the formula is the same:

Be witness.

Hold center.

Be a tower/beacon of light (or darkness whatever the case may be).

Anchor love.

As a shadow worker, my job is to go to ground – to enter fully into the darkness that it may be transformed – darkness made of humanity’s fears and unhealed wounds.  Like a cicada, I dive deep into the detritus of humanity’s pain, wriggling and writhing until the pain has been released.  This I do safely in the shelter of my sanctuary that I call home.

Equally called to be a light bringer, I go about my day to day endeavors simply being me.  I have experienced that in my presence, either shadows are revealed, or others become more aware of their light.  Whatever the effects – the recoiling rejection brought forth by shadow’s emergence, or the welcome of light’s/love’s reflection – I’ve learned to hold it all.

Nothing is personal.

If any of this rambling speaks to you – you are one of the warriors to whom I’ve addressed this message. We’ve been given a difficult call – to witness to the end of the world (as we’ve known it), BUT we’ve also been given the wisdom, knowledge, and tools to endure.  Our task is this:

Endure and Survive.

Love-speed sisters and brothers, we are in this together.  Even if solitary – we are never alone!

Be witness.

Hold center.

Be a tower/beacon of light.

Anchor love.

It is all we came here to do.

With deep gratitude and love,

Lauri

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Enough

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I’ve given enough to this life

with its contests and challenges.

In these almost sixty years

I’ve given it all for humanity’s sake.

Now I want to give to myself.

Giving to myself all that life took from me.

First, I give myself peace –

the peace I never knew living in the midst of

other people’s wars.

Second, I give myself solitude –

free from the grasping and clawing grip

of other people’s need.

Third, I give myself ease –

Victorian parlor woman ease

where life never asks more of me

than to read and write and dream.

Fourth, I give myself love –

the kind of love that says,

“To simply be is enough.”

copyright Lauri Ann Lumby

Impeccability

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

In a world filled with false prophets, impostors, self-appointed gurus, charlatans, snake-oil salespeople, and millionaire pastors, it is imperative that we become ever-more vigilant with our own impeccability. Millions of people are starving for guidance and direction, answers to life’s unanswerable questions, and comfort from the terrors of this world. There are equally many who are happy to provide people with what they want. Many of these are of integrity, educated and trained in what they provide, responsible and careful in that provision, and accountable to the established ethics of their field. Some are not.

Impeccability is about more than just our word. It is about what we say, how we say it, what we mean by it, the authority behind it, our education and training, to whom we are accountable, and on what we base our word. Let me provide an example from the world of the Magdalene.

Since the early 90’s, literally hundreds of so-called authorities on The Magdalene have made themselves known. Some are academic scholars providing the findings of research that has been examined under the rigors of peer-review. Some are historians who have embarked on a treasure hunt seeking out clues to the Magdalene legends as they were handed down through folklore, art, cultural traditions, and monuments created in her name. Some are the holders of oral traditions that have been handed down for thousands of years. Some receive their knowledge through dreams, visions, intuitive guidance, and their creative imaginations. Others are just making shit up.

The Magdalene field has become as vast as it is deep. There is something in this field for everyone. Something for those simply seeking entertainment. Something for the scholars and academics. Something for the new age community. Something for the witches and goddess worshippers. Something for those looking for an outside perceived authority to tell them what is true and what to believe. Something for those who simply want someone to blow smoke up their ass, telling them what they want to hear. There is now a Magdalene for everyone. This does NOT mean that every Magdalene is authentic or true. As I posted on Facebook the other day:

Someone, apparently didn’t like what I posted, thinking I was throwing shade. Well….maybe I was throwing a little shade….but here’s my come-from as it relates to the Magdalene and by association, impeccability:

You do you – but be clear about your come from.

In my Magdalene work, for example, I do my best to be clear. “This is based on scholarship….this is a work of fiction…this came through my intuition/creative imagination…I completely made this up but I would love for it to be true.” I’m also careful to identify my resources, remaining as close to authentic scholarship where possible and explaining where these resources reside in the spectrum of verifiable fact, theory, or simply oral tradition or legend. I’m admittedly a stickler for scholarship that is soundly rooted in the scientific method.

When we are clear about our come-from, then people know how to take the resources, guidance, and support we provide for them and apply them (or not) in their lives. This is true whether it be about the Magdalene, spiritual direction, counseling, healing, or just giving advice as it relates to our mutual fields of expertise. I believe this is especially important, critical even, when we present ourselves as teachers, guides, or healers for others.

We must be impeccable about what we are offering and how it is to be used and received. If we aren’t doing this, people could actually be harmed. As I said before, there are millions of vulnerable people looking for comfort and guidance and our job is not to enable them or take advantage of their vulnerability.  Our job is to empower them.  We can’t do this if we aren’t impeccable with our words, our motivations, our source of knowledge, and our actions.

In other words: Be honest. Be clear. And Check Yourself!

Believe in the Darkness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 1 Comment

Believe in the darkness

and the spaces in between

for these are your teachers –

where you are forced to face your demons

and stare down the face of emptiness.

It is here, in the void, where all wisdom lies.

Where your sharpened edges are made smooth

by sitting with your discomfort

and sense of unease.

As life grows darker you must become small.

Contracting all you are –

your hopes

and dreams

and childhood wishes –

until you disappear into the no-thing,

until you become one with the no-thing.

until you become the no-thing itself.

It is here in the greatest stage of contraction

when all becomes invisible –

indistinguishable from the darkness

and emptiness of the void

where you shall glimpse the infinite potential

that resides at the center of nothing

and feel the rising pressure of a new world waiting to be born.

Believe in the darkness.

copyright Lauri Ann Lumby

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A**HOLE

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Contrary to what some (perhaps many) might say, I’m NOT an asshole. Contrary to what I jokingly say about myself, I’m NOT an asshole. I only jokingly say that I’m an asshole as a way to protect myself from those who honestly believe I am (an asshole).

People say I’m an asshole when they don’t like certain things about me. When my actions or words make them uncomfortable or hold them accountable to their own behaviors. Here’s a list of what some (many?) don’t like about me:

  1. I know who I am. I know my gifts, and my challenges and I’m confident standing in either.
  2. I have a clearly defined sense of right and wrong. I uphold these values within myself and hold others to these same values. (A dear friend once said that I have more integrity than anyone he has ever known.)
  3. I am growing more comfortable in the fullness of my emotions. I can feel sorrow, anxiety, depression, despair, joy, excitement, and anger and am somewhat comfortable expressing these.
  4. I’m VERY passionate about certain things and I’m not afraid to express this passion.
  5. I have a deep desire for justice in our world and will freely speak out against injustices.
  6. I feel anger DEEPLY (or I might be confusing passion for anger). When I witness an injustice, when my needs are not being met, when someone deeply hurts me, I feel anger. I’m not very good at expressing anger (because “you’re a bad person if you are angry), so it usually gets turned inward into seething resentment. Then I become SILENT and withdrawn until I’ve had time to process that anger.
  7. I have exceptional boundaries. As an introverted empath who is highly sensitive to the energy of others, my boundaries have become even more iron clad.
  8. I hear and can see people’s thoughts. I can read their personal energy. I KNOW when someone is lying to me, trying to keep secrets, or trying to manipulate me. I want to ask of certain people I know who repeatedly try to hide things from me, “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE FOOLING?”
  9. I’m not afraid to cut people off who have been intentionally cruel to me, betrayed me, lied to me or tried to cheat me. This is equally true of those who purposefully and thoughtfully infringe on my boundaries. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than put up with other people’s morally questionable or needy behaviors.
  10. I don’t do needy. I will slam the door at the first sign of dependency’s tentacles. Bye!
  11. Perhaps related, I am independent, self-sufficient, and for most of my life, I have been the source of my own need-fulfillment. I fill my own cup. It’s not my job to fill yours. I might be able to support you in learning to fill your own cup, but I won’t fill it for you.
  12. I do not and will not enable others. My mission is to empower, not to feed our dying system of co-dependency.

For this and (perhaps many) other reasons, there are some in the world who think I’m an asshole. I’ve even said the same of myself, but I know that’s not really true.  If it is, it’s only because we live in culture that is profoundly arrested in its development that has no idea what to do with self-actualized humans except to condemn them. I’ve been condemned and I’ve survived this too. (another reason for people to hate me. 😊

Toxic Over Responsibility

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Somewhere during the time of Eckart Tolle, a movement began of toxic over-responsibility. Due to the Western tendency to twist the sayings of wisdom teachers to conform to our achievement-oriented, overworking paradigm, we have come away with self-help practices that leave us responsible not only for our own actions, but for the actions of others. Platitudes that say things like:

  • The wound you see in another is simply a reflection of your own wound.
  • The bad behavior of another is simply a reflection of your own bad behavior.
  • If you see a fault in your brother, that fault is actually yours.
  • If you are triggered by another’s behavior or actions, it is reflecting back to you a wound in yourself in need of healing.

Where there may be some truth in these or similar statements, they are not wholly true and have cast us into the role of over-responsibility to ourselves and under-responsibility as it relates to the behavior of others. While we are busy exploring and taking responsibility for our own wounds, we are letting far too many people off the hook. 

Being accountable to our own wounds and the things that trigger them is never a bad thing. Entering fully into the practice of forgiveness (healing ourselves of the wounds caused by another’s bad behavior) is a worthwhile and liberating endeavor. But, if our journey of self-care and personal responsibility is letting the other off the hook then that is leaving us vulnerable to further harm.  Further, by focusing only on ourselves, we are allowing the other to remain in their state of arrested development.

I agree, it is not our responsibility to heal or fix others. Neither do we have control over the actions of others. We only have control over how we react to our own triggers and setting appropriate boundaries around our personal safety needs. We ARE NOT, however, responsible for the actions of others.  In other words, it is not only our unhealed wounds that cause us to be triggered by other people’s bad or irresponsible or disrespectful behavior.

What we are calling triggers, might not be triggers at all.  They might simply be our own inner compass reacting to the asshole in the room. As human beings, we are hard-wired to detect bad behavior in another. We know what is right and what is wrong. (Ok, some of us do). There is a visceral sensation that arises in our bodies when another is acting in an irresponsible, dangerous, threatening, or morally questionable way. We have the ability to detect deception, betrayal, a lack of integrity, shady or questionable behaviors. Yet, between our cultural conditioning that says to “give people the benefit of the doubt,” or “be nice,” we either disregard those feelings, or turn them inward, somehow making them our own responsibility.

The questionable, unprofessional, deceptive, behaviors of another ARE NOT OUR FAULT, neither are they our responsibility. Contrary to the toxic over-responsibility movement, the bad behaviors of another HAVE NOTHING to do with our unhealed wounds. Instead, the feelings that arise in us when faced with another’s unsavory behavior is simply our TRUTH BAROMETER calling BULLSHIT. Isn’t it long past time we start listening to that voice and stop taking responsibility for other people’s shitty behavior?

Happy Star Wars Day!

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

A Message from the Force


How could I not acknowledge the popular Star Wars meme on this auspicious, tongue-in-cheek day?  Especially since Star Wars (the original one) is my all-time favorite movie (Mary Poppins being a very close second). 

Whether you are a fan or not, Star Wars is the quintessential tale of good vs. evil through the lens of the heroes journey – specifically capitalizing on the orphan trope with obvious overtones/undertones of George Lucas’ Catholic upbringing including narratives about “God,” temptation, death and resurrection. Throw in the spaghetti western action sequences and innovative special effects (that still hold their own today) and Star Wars has it all. 

Critics will say there is nothing original in the Star Wars universe. Book nerds will suggest Lucas stole all his ideas from Dune. Neither of these criticisms are incorrect. Regardless of these critiques, Star Wars (the original) holds a unique place in the cinematic universe as a profound teacher of wisdom – subliminal wisdom at that!

Beyond the special effects, the action, the glitz, and the glamour, Star Wars is the story of our young orphan hero (Luke Skywalker) being supported in coming into his own power. By way of Obi-Wan Kenobi (and later Yoda) Luke learns that the power he seeks is within and around him in what is called The Force.  The Force, he learns, is the power that created and guides the whole universe and is accessible to those who seek it out. He discovers that The Force can be used for good, but that it can be equally harnessed for the sake of evil. Along the journey he is confronted with all the ways in which he could use this power and is challenged to make the right choice. Does he use The Force to commit acts of revenge, or does he use it as a force for good? 

The journey that Luke embarks upon and the choices he must face, represent the universal human journey. As it specifically relates to us in this time in history, during this critical stage of human evolution, Star Wars invites us to explore:

1) Our own relationship to The Force (God, Source, Love, etc.)
2) The conditioning that tells us The Force is outside of us and it’s approval must be earned and might be taken away.
4) The temptation to look outside of ourselves for a teacher or a guide/ truth, knowledge and wisdom.
5) The temptation to give our power away to outside perceived authorities. 
6) The temptation to use our gifts (The Force) to manipulate others or to have power over them.
7) The temptation to act out of anger or revenge. 

As I reflect on this today, the most obvious lesson from Star Wars that presents itself is related to the “outside perceived authority” – especially those who use their positions of perceived power to harm others. In this I think of:

The media.
Government officials.
Religions “leaders.”
Self-proclaimed and false gurus. 

Our world is overrun by those who seek to manipulate others through false information, fear-based communication, and shame. Those who capitalize on human insecurity and the conditioning that tells us to believe those outside of us over our own inner wisdom and knowledge. As it relates to the work I do in the world, I am currently most aware of (and annoyed by) the false gurus and charlatans in the fields of healing and spirituality. Individuals who are taking advantage of human vulnerability, placing themselves in the position of authority/guru/source of healing, and convincing their followers to give them loads of money along with devotion to their guidance – even (especially) when the “guru’s” guidance is in direct conflict with what the “client/follower” might feel/know within themselves. I can’t tell you how many people I have seen harmed (financially, emotionally, mentally, even physically) by these false gurus. And yet, these gurus continue to attract followers like flies are attracted to rotting flesh.

In this journey of human evolution, like Luke when he was given the opportunity to choose the Dark Side through revenge, we stand at a crossroads. To whom are we giving our allegiance? Are we giving it away to outside perceived authorities?  Are we believing the lies we are often fed by the media, corporations, our church, our government? Or, are we giving our allegiance TO OURSELVES – to The Force that dwells within us, that guides us, leads us, compels us toward our own inner knowledge, wisdom and inner power?  Not unlike “Young Luke,” the fate of the universe (humanity) depends on our choice.

My hope and prayer for all of us is the acknowledgement that THE FORCE IS WITH YOU and is ALWAYS WITH YOU.   Now the invitation is to harness that Force and direct it toward good. 

Yours in the Force,
Lauri

Returning to Mundane

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…..there was an author who dared to suggest that at the end of our spiritual journey, is a return to the mundane. This author is Richard Bach and the books is Illusions – the Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah. In this story, Donald, a messiah, quits his messiah business and becomes a pilot. He then travels the wilds, giving people rides in his three-passenger plane. As the story demonstrates, being a messiah is a tricky, stressful business that has even been shown to get people killed. This, among other reasons, is why Donald quits his spiritual business and returns to the everyday, mundane world.

I first read this book in my twenties, and several times more in my thirties (it’s a short book and can be read in a day). I got the moral of the story then, but as I’m approaching sixty, I relate to this story even more. Not because I consider myself a messiah (one sometimes suffering with a messiah complex maybe), but because I now understand that after we have completed our spiritual journey (it’s never really complete – but we do eventually arrive at a place of “enough”), life takes on a whole different feeling and flavor.

In technical terms, the spiritual journey, as it has been articulated by the ancient mystics, is comprised of four stages – spirit entering form, awakening and ascension, the great descent, and then ending in spirit leaving form and returning to source – Death. Each tradition gives these stages their own names, but the general descriptions are much the same.

Western pop-culture spirituality gives a lot of attention to the awakening/ascension stage of the journey, so with this you may be familiar. The great descent, however, is most often ignored as it is rife with challenge, struggle, ego-death, and suffering. It is the stage of the journey where after finding union with Source/God, we are plunged into the depths of our own inner hell – made up of our unhealed wounds, past traumas, spiritual fears, cultural conditioning, ego-attachments and more.  This is a hell made up of all those things within us that have forgotten our original nature as Love resulting in non-loving beliefs or behaviors about ourselves or others. It is here where we must come face to face (for example) with all our desires to be famous, rich, powerful, desirable, admired, respected, special, and needed rear their ugly face. This is also where we must confront every single lie we’ve been told and illusion we’ve created about life needing to have meaning and purpose in a way that is tangible, visible, and seen. Finally, during this descent, every illusion and need for control will be pried from the grip of our cold, dead, fingers.

There’s a reason few speak of this stage of our spiritual journey. Having been thrown into this stage somewhere around the year 2000, I know it well and can say not one single person chooses descent to make up nearly thirty years of their life!  I am also here to attest that the descent does eventually come to an end of sorts. Perhaps there are still ego attachments to confront, and pain still to be endured, but with these we have become familiar and accustomed and now we have tools for moving through these subtle layers of deepening in the important journey of ego-death.

The great descent frees us from all which imprisons us in insecurity, fear, ego-attachment, etc. While being freed, our truest nature of Love in Union with Source is increasingly liberated. Each moment we give to this transformation, we come to more and more fully live as Love, embracing all we are as Love (including our humanness) while finding the simple joy of being in the human experience. Here we are no longer bothered by life’s pursuit of meaning or purpose. Neither are we plagued by our imperfections. We are now able to return to the innocence we knew as children when we could simply enjoy the wonder of discovery, curiosity, and unbothered play. (YES, I know not every child’s childhood was great, but there was an innocence there among the pain.)

It is at this stage of our spiritual journey where many-a-messiah leave behind their work of saving the world and get on with simply living, which for those like the character in Illusions means returning to the mundane.

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Loved a Narcissist?

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

If you have loved a narcissist, absolutely NOTHING was your fault. NOTHING was your responsibility. There were no lessons to learn.

Instead, EVERYTHING is the responsibility and fault of the narcissist. Narcissists prey on our tender, generous, and vulnerable hearts. They deceive us for their gain. They keep secrets to guarantee our curiosity and hope. They know their actions are manipulative and evil, but they also know the capacity of our forgiveness and our willingness to see them through the lens of compassion and understanding. They thrive on us feeling sorry for them because of the wounds that make them do the hateful things they do. They know that instead of holding them accountable, we will take responsibility for their actions, or at the very least, view every single conflict as a vehicle for learning and growth.

They also know all the ways in which we’ve been punished in the past for asking for our needs to be met or inviting another’s accountability, and they will punish us in the same way. They know we are used to being the grown up in a relationship and that we were forced to grow up early and to bear the burden of over responsibility very early in our lives.

They know of our shame and our guilt and they use these against us, for they have neither.

A narcissist has no shame. They will never apologize or take responsibility for their actions. They will never work to make things right.

With a narcissist, there is only one thing we can do: 

WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK

You did nothing wrong. Nothing was your fault. There were no lessons to learn, except perhaps, to get the f*ck out. And I guarantee, the narcissist won’t bat and eye and will likely never think of you again – for they’re already on to the next person to harm.