Relationships

The High Cost of Othering

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 6 Comments

This post is not about Charlie Kirk – but if the shoe fits (shrug emoji)

I don’t understand why this is the case, but human beings seem to be pre-programmed to create division. I admit that I too am sometimes guilty of creating division in my mind even as my highest intention is toward unity and oneness. To some degree, I’m not sure we can help wanting to put each other into categories that define human beings by self-created divisions like religion, race, nationality, gender, etc. As much as we maybe can’t help separating ourselves, there is a cost to this dividing – as world events continue to show us.

It seems that the highest cost of this division arises out of, “othering.”  Characterized by polarizing terms like “us” and “them,” othering happens when an individual who identifies themselves as part of a particular human-made category (ie: Christian) then places this membership as higher than or better than the seemingly opposing category (ie: not Christian). Othering creates the false belief that the category/group to which one “belongs” is more right than other human categories. This othering pits those in the “favored” group against those who are not of this group. In the world as we know it today, this othering is easily recognized in such divisions as:

  • White/people of color
  • Republican/Democrat
  • Christian/everyone else (and then every us vs them division within Christianity and even within an individual Christian community)
  • Rich/poor
  • Educated/uneducated
  • Those who know/those who don’t
  • Straight/Queer
  • Male/Female

Othering arises out of ignorance (as in lack of information). Othering surfaces when one’s response to what one doesn’t understand is judgment. Judgment is one way in which humans have learned to temporarily ease the natural anxiety that arises in the face of what we do not know. Unless that judgment is corrected through curiosity and wonder, human beings will turn that judgment into a weapon. Weaponizing othering is the ultimate price of this division – the consequences of which we are seeing increasingly every day.

Us vs. them does not work. Instead, it pits humanity against humanity. Dividing human against each other results in misunderstandings at best, genocide at worst. “Us vs. Them” is what created Nazi Germany and what has led to the wholesale destruction of Palestine and its people. “Us vs. them” is what compels humans to create laws that punish anyone they perceive to be different than them. “Us vs. them” causes an individual to pick up a gun and assassinate an individual or shoot up a whole school. “Us vs them” is what causes one to celebrate a person sowing division as a martyr.

Othering, at the end of the day, is an uninformed choice. It is judgment in the face of what we do not know or understand. Judgment is a defensive reaction to anxiety, one that many have not learned to move beyond. Fear in the face of the unknown is natural, but when we allow ourselves to acknowledge the anxiety and move past it to curiosity, then we are able to seek after the knowledge we need to make the unknown known. When the unknown is known, it no longer presents a perceived threat. Coming to know the unknown helps to build a foundation of understanding that then allows us to sow harmony instead of conflict, unity instead of division, and collaboration over competition. If humanity seeks to survive it will only do so when we stop creating “the other” and seek, instead, to learn and understand our unique gifts and how that diversity is what, ultimately, makes us one.

When Reaching Across the Divide Fails

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Regardless of the chasm that seems to separate human beings from each other, I continue to believe that we have more in common with each other than not. I have been shown this time and time again when I have reached out to those who appear to believe differently than I – whether that belief be about religion, politics, or any other things to which humans cling tightly. Granted, my reaching out is mostly toward those I already know and trust and who I believe can enter into civil discourse. (In building a bridge, I reserve the right to also keep myself safe from those who have no desire to be civil.) In the past I have shared my experiences of reaching across the divide and the positive results of doing so.  I learned new things, as did those toward whom I reached. We discovered common ground and learned that we could honor and respect each other’s differences. Friendship and love prevailed.

Sadly, yesterday I experienced something not so positive. A comment was made on one of my FB threads by someone I thought I knew well and with whom I share common blood. I was not surprised by their comment that demonstrated a dramatically different perception than my own. Because of my love and respect for this person, I did not challenge them on FB. Instead, I reached out privately in the spirit of inquiry and discovery. I simply wanted to learn. I explained I had no interest in changing their mind or confronting their views.  I simply wanted to understand why they believed that way. I used every skill I know to assure them my intentions were not violent, but were open and welcoming. Sadly, their response was no response. Crickets.

I cannot guess at their reason for not responding. All I can be is sad that they were not willing to meet with me across the perceived divide. A profound opportunity was lost in their refusal to engage. I suspect that if they had been willing to enter into a civil conversation, we would have learned that we are more alike in our beliefs than different and that we could honor and respect each other for where we differ.

There is nothing more I can do to invite conversation with this individual, but this illustrates to me the perfect example of where we find ourselves as human beings. No matter where humans reside geographically, it seems they have dug their heels in and crossed their arms over their individual beliefs and against those of others. We need look no further than the debacle of American politics or the wars over Gaza and Ukraine to see examples of human beings refusing to reach across the divide. Attached to being right, maintaining control, and acquiring perceived power and wealth, humanity stands with arms crossed and hearts closed.

Again, I find this incredibly sad. Division will never be healed or common ground established as long as our hearts are closed. While others may not be willing or able to uncross their arms for the purpose of entering into deep listening to another, I am, and I will continue to reach out when and where it’s appropriate because I am willing to learn, I know I don’t know everything, I can accept being wrong. I’m not attached to any specific belief except that defined and lived by Love and I’d rather reach across the divide than turn my back on friends and loved ones who might believe differently than I.

Guarding Our Power

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I’m inviting you to join me in a purposeful, reflective pause. STOP and closely examine all the places in your life where your energy and power are being drawn from you:

  • Places where you say yes when you want to say no.
  • Situations where you do things out of a sense of duty or obligation.
  • Relationships in which you feel called to help or fix another.
  • Experiences where you can see what would be best and want to offer your expertise.
  • Friends and family, clients and strangers who seek guidance but who habitually disregard that guidance.
  • Situations in which you assume your guidance is wanted but in fact was never requested.
  • Those to whom you run at their first call of distress, hoping to help or take away that distress.
  • Experiences where you continually hope and wish for things to change, but they never do.
  • Those who want more from you than you can actually give.
  • Those who seek your listening ear but do nothing to heal or transform the situation about which they complain.

I’m inviting you into this reflection because you are not alone in this. I am woefully guilty of falling into the trap of co-dependency where I believe not only is it my job to help others, but believing I actually can.

We cannot help others who are unwilling or incapable of helping themselves.  We cannot help those who don’t believe they need help. Every time we try, a hole is drilled into our soul and a piece of our power is drawn out. That power, then is no longer available for us to access, as it is held in the others hand. I call this entanglement. There are certain relationships and experiences in which we become so entangled we may not even see how much of our power we’ve given away.

Contrary to the way in which we have been conditioned (women especially), our power is not meant for others. Instead, our power is meant to serve the purpose of our soul – to know and be Love in the world. This Love is not co-dependent, seeking to help or heal others. Instead, Love is meant to provide an example that others might follow. In witnessing the Love that we are, they may ask us how we came to know that Love. We may share with them the tools that helped us get there, but we cannot do the work for them. The danger with this Love is that it is magnetic and many are drawn to that Love – not to understand how to achieve that themselves, but to draw a bit of it from us. Do not let them.

The power of Love that we are is a precious thing. It is what feeds and sustains us. It is what allows others to be awakened and to seek out that Love for themselves. This is the Love that Jesus spoke of and the Love that changes the world. This Love is not for us to give, but for others to find within themselves. We may provide inspiration, but we are not the source.

For those who have uncovered this Love within themselves, we know how hard the journey is to know that Love more fully. The power of this Love is ours to protect. Protecting that Love requires a reprogramming from what we have been taught about what it means to Love. Love isn’t doing harm to ourselves to care for another. Love is not doing for another what they should be doing for themselves. Love does not intrude on the journey of another, but allows people the freedom to live their lives, learning their own lessons and making their own mistakes.

For me, protecting the power of Love begins with identifying those places in my life where that power is being drawn from me through co-dependent entanglements. Next, it is my job to STOP participating in that entanglement. This is no easy task due to the trigger response that is engrained in so many of us to want to help another’s distress. In order to stop this response, I have had to learn the signals in my body that let me know my co-dependency has been triggered. For me, it is a feeling in my solar plexus (gut) or on my left shoulder of energy being drawn from me. I literally feel as if I have to run to the individual expressing distress. Instead of running, I STOP. I repeat a silent mantra (“it’s their shit not mine”) and then I STAY PUT. I cannot express the strength it takes in me to stay put and not run after the distress.  And I am not perfect in this practice. I repeatedly fail and continually find myself in entanglements. But I’m learning and I’m improving. Every day, I’m a little better at guarding my power and taking back that which I have given away.

Love is a journey and a process, and the work is never done but in the heart of this work is a great treasure.  As we free ourselves from co-dependent behaviors, we have access to more of our own inner power and the Love that dwells within us. We have no idea the miracles that can come about when fully embodying that Love!

No. I Can’t Help You

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Confession:  I’m a fixer. Part of being a fixer is a gift. The other part is a defense mechanism and a curse.

The gift part of being a fixer is the ability to see what could be improved in an environment so that it might more successfully thrive. It is also the ability to see what could cause a situation, environment, relationship, etc. to fail and to offer course-corrections that would help to prevent that failure. This improvement-oriented gift has been further developed in me through years of education and experience in a wide range of professional fields. Those who have sought me out for these gifts and applied my guidance have benefitted greatly. I have benefitted by applying these gifts to myself.

The fixer defense mechanism, on the other hand, rises up in me when I feel unsafe in an environment thereby triggering my own survival instinct to seek out ways to restore my feelings of safety. With the energy of hyper-vigilance, I seek out the “wrong” in the environment and then I attempt to fix that wrong. These efforts almost always blow up in my face.

The challenge of being a fixer is that there is no clear line between gift and defense mechanism. Often, these bleed into each other, usually resulting in catastrophe – if not for “the other” then most definitely for me. As a fixer, it is sheer torture watching institutions, individuals, humanity, making the same mistakes over and over and over while refusing to apply the actions that could help them.  Many don’t really want to be helped. Even when they ask for help, they may not really want that help. Most often, they are unwilling to take the necessary actions that would help them.

In the past several years, my “fixer” tendencies have come up for review. Where and how are they helpful? When are they problematic? The answer is complicated, but to put it simply:

  1. When someone invites my professional support and guidance, offer it, but with no attachment to outcome. They may apply it.  They might not.
  2. Identify those who continually ask for support but who really don’t apply it and learn how to disengage. It’s ok to say, “No, I cannot help you.”
  3. If they haven’t asked for my professional support, KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

The reality is that there are three kinds of people:

  1. those who want help and will do the work to help themselves,
  2. those who say they want help but really don’t,
  3. and those who definitely do not want help.

For my own mental and emotional wellbeing, I have had to learn (and relearn, and learn again) how to tell the difference while also caring for myself when overcome by the frustration and grief that surfaces when witnessing humans walk the path of their own destruction.

(PS: Being a fixer is also a form of co-dependency. Alanon, ACA, and AA principles have proven helpful in healing myself of this pattern. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change….”)

Helping You Help Yourself!

Soul School with Lauri Ann Lumby provides the basics of self-discovery and personal development. Rooted in embodied educational practices, mindfulness, and creativity, you will be supported in discovering your unique giftedness, healing the obstacles to living out those gifts for the sake of your own fulfillment, and empowered to enjoy a life of authentic freedom.

Learn More HERE

When We Fail

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 4 Comments

I live in two different worlds: the world of Lauri Ann Lumby – author, spiritual counselor, educator, ordained minister; and the world of Lauri Lumby – office manager for a local arts/dance academy.

Living in the world of Lauri Ann Lumby is easy. Sharing my gifts flows without effort. I am filled and fulfilled when sharing my gifts. The people that receive my gifts come to me because they see value in what I offer and because my sharing helps them in some subjective way. In this world I’m in charge of my time, the environment in which I work, and I get to decide how and with whom I will work.

The world of Lauri Lumby is a challenge. There, my administrative abilities are the focus – not my soul gifts. Here I’m not in charge of the environment or the people. I do not get to chose with whom or how I will work. There it’s noisy, chaotic, and I’m forced to work outside of my comfort zone. My soul thrives in a structured, ordered, planned environment. The world of Lauri Lumby is everything but this.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the gifts I experience living in both worlds. The former feeds my soul.  The latter prevents me from disappearing into my hermitage and in that world, I have gotten to know some truly amazing children and their families. I also find myself nourished by being in proximity to the arts. Finally, the latter pays my rent – something critical for the other world to survive.

The real challenge, however, comes when the gifts of Lauri Ann Lumby try to bleed into the world of the other Lauri. Lauri Ann Lumby sees and knows things. She can’t help but identify growth areas in an individual and in environments. She knows when things aren’t working out and how that might be repaired. Lauri Ann Lumby is improvement oriented. When Lauri Ann Lumby’s improvement orientation is triggered in the world of the other Lauri, things get really uncomfortable – not necessarily for anyone else but for me.

Unless….until….the soul-need to share my gifts goes unmet for so long that it starts to come out sideways. Which it did last night. In a moment of frustration over a pile-up of frustrations, I spoke harshly to a group of students who were not following instructions that I thought everyone understood. I made one of those students cry. ☹

I felt so bad.  I never want to make a student cry.   I immediately apologized and later, I went back and explained to the student that I had taken my frustration out on her over something completely unrelated to her. I’m not sure if she understood, and the damage was probably already done. I hope over time she will forgive me. I hope over time I’ll be able to forgive myself.

Being human is hard. We try our best. We attempt to manage our stress and anxiety. We try to find balance in environments whose dynamics are outside our preference. We try to be honest about our feelings and ask for our needs to be met. Sometimes our needs are met. Often they are not. We then work through the grief, frustration, even anger over needs going unmet. We apply self-care and engage in our mindfulness/stress-relief practices.

But sometimes…..sometimes…..it’s just too much and we lose our shit. Sometimes innocent people are the recipients of the shit we lose.

Being human is hard – especially when you’re already a perfectionist and recovering people-pleaser.

We do our best. We are sometimes successful. More often, we fail. The best we can do when we fail is to seek inside of ourselves, ask ourselves why, and do something to manage that why. Then we apologize and take responsibility for our failure, hoping that in time, the wounds resulting from the failure might heal – our own, and those we may have hurt simply because we are human.

email lauri@lauriannlumby.com to schedule a session.

Lauri Ann Lumby has over twenty-five years of experience as an educator, facilitator, spiritual counselor and soul-guide. She has supported hundreds through her one-on-one guidance, books, workshops, retreats, over thirty online courses, and online community.

Lauri is and author and a poet and has published eleven books including Authentic Freedom – Claiming a Life of Contentment and Joy, and her popular novel Song of the Beloved, the Gospel According to Mary Magdalene.

Lauri earned her master’s degree in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia/ITP University, is a trained Spiritual Director in the Ignatian tradition and has certificates in Adult Education and Psycho-Spiritual Development. Lauri is a Reiki Master Practitioner in both the Usui and Karuna traditions and is an ordained interfaith minister. 

Learning Not to Care

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 3 Comments

(aka Cultivating the Fine Art of Detachment)

Life is a funny thing. First, we are taught that it is our job to care about EVERYTHING. Caring about EVERYTHING implies that it is our job to do something about it. Heaped on top of this caring is the whispered weight of responsibility. Not only is it our job to do something, it is also likely that the things that appear wrong are also somehow our fault. Blame adds to the pressure to do something about the wrong.

At nearly sixty, however, I’ve learned something new. It is more than likely that NOTHING is our fault. Therefore, it’s not our job to fix it. Furthermore, it’s not even our responsibility to care.

Wait! What? It’s not our job to care?

Yes, we have a human responsibility to care about ourselves, our loved ones, humanity, and the world. If we have a loving heart, we want the best for everyone. We want people to be happy, healthy, fed, clothed, safely sheltered, educated, and their medical needs provided for. We want people to have liberty, dignity, respect, and peace.

The sad reality, however, is that more often than not, there is not a damn thing we can do to guarantee any of this for anyone. Neither can we necessarily fix the wrong that prevents people from having all that is stated above. This is especially true when the individual is capable but unwilling to care for themselves. Furthermore, 99% of what we care about is completely out of our sphere of influence, and even if it is, it still may be out of our control.

As a Type 1 (Perfectionist/Reformer) on the Enneagram, this has been a truth that has been very difficult for me to come to. Not only have I had conditioning working against me, but I have also had the gift/curse of my unique temperament which gave me the lens through which I am hard-wired to ask “How could this be better.” Indeed, this gift makes me a fantastic trouble-shooter, source of counsel and guidance. This lens also left me with a seething resentment over all the things in the world that I can’t fix and all those who could utilize my gifts, but have refused my counsel.

Compounding the frustrated fulfillment of my gift and its resulting resentment, is the reality of emotional addiction. As it turns out, we can become addicted to negative emotional states in the same way that we can be addicted to alcohol or drugs. Spending time in, or even cultivating these negative emotional states have a similar impact on our brain chemistry as other addictions. Resentment, frustration, impatience, even rage were negative states to which I had become addicted, and I would even seek out situations to get upset about so that I could experience the “power” of these emotions.

Feeling these emotions, however, never fixed the frustration. Getting twisted up about someone else’s behavior, an injustice in the world, or the ignorance of humanity never gave me peace – only more resentment. Eventually I had to make a choice – remain in the ever-twisted world of seething resentment or find some way to experience peace. I chose peace.

The first step in choosing peace was to acknowledge I had an addiction. The second step was to recognize what all those inner feelings were actually saying to me.  They weren’t saying, “Go fix this thing.  It’s your job to fix it.  You know better than anyone else.”  Instead, they were showing me one of two things: a) a need of my own that wasn’t being met that I then had the responsibility to get met (if it was within my realm of control). b) all the things in the world over which I have ZERO control. Admittedly, a) was easier to accept than b).

When we feel powerless over something we cannot control, we will find anyway to find that power, until we can accept that it is really not within our control. One of the tactics I have found helpful (or mantras I’ve embraced) is to force myself NOT TO CARE.

I know this sounds harsh, but I am naturally a loving and caring person – especially as it relates to those I love and have care for. I want the best for them. I want them to be safe, cared for, healthy, happy, etc. But the reality is that no matter my efforts to share my gifts in a way that might be supportive, some/many are unable to receive these gifts. I can beg and plead all I want but until an individual (or a group, or a Church, or a political party, or a nation) wants to make a change, my words are dust in the wind.

To survive the frustration and angst over a) my gifts not being received and b) my complete lack of control over a situation, I have had to learn not to care. In the recovery world, this is called detachment. Detachment allows me to be an objective witness of what is unfolding around me without the compulsion to step in and offer my wisdom, expertise, advice, suggestions, etc. Detachment allows me to move beyond the frustration, irritation, or anger I might feel in the face of what I perceive as wrong and accept things the way they are. And OH MY GOD, my inner perfectionist/reformer HATES THIS!  But, it’s the only way I can experience peace. At this point in my life, I’m far more concerned about peace than thinking I have any influence over the state of our world, and I’ve discovered that this peace is a choice.

I can continue to allow myself to care so much about the world that I suffer the consequences of ongoing seething resentment and frustration, or I can learn not to care (cultivate the fine art of detachment) and live my life in peace. I choose peace.

Toxic Over Responsibility

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Somewhere during the time of Eckart Tolle, a movement began of toxic over-responsibility. Due to the Western tendency to twist the sayings of wisdom teachers to conform to our achievement-oriented, overworking paradigm, we have come away with self-help practices that leave us responsible not only for our own actions, but for the actions of others. Platitudes that say things like:

  • The wound you see in another is simply a reflection of your own wound.
  • The bad behavior of another is simply a reflection of your own bad behavior.
  • If you see a fault in your brother, that fault is actually yours.
  • If you are triggered by another’s behavior or actions, it is reflecting back to you a wound in yourself in need of healing.

Where there may be some truth in these or similar statements, they are not wholly true and have cast us into the role of over-responsibility to ourselves and under-responsibility as it relates to the behavior of others. While we are busy exploring and taking responsibility for our own wounds, we are letting far too many people off the hook. 

Being accountable to our own wounds and the things that trigger them is never a bad thing. Entering fully into the practice of forgiveness (healing ourselves of the wounds caused by another’s bad behavior) is a worthwhile and liberating endeavor. But, if our journey of self-care and personal responsibility is letting the other off the hook then that is leaving us vulnerable to further harm.  Further, by focusing only on ourselves, we are allowing the other to remain in their state of arrested development.

I agree, it is not our responsibility to heal or fix others. Neither do we have control over the actions of others. We only have control over how we react to our own triggers and setting appropriate boundaries around our personal safety needs. We ARE NOT, however, responsible for the actions of others.  In other words, it is not only our unhealed wounds that cause us to be triggered by other people’s bad or irresponsible or disrespectful behavior.

What we are calling triggers, might not be triggers at all.  They might simply be our own inner compass reacting to the asshole in the room. As human beings, we are hard-wired to detect bad behavior in another. We know what is right and what is wrong. (Ok, some of us do). There is a visceral sensation that arises in our bodies when another is acting in an irresponsible, dangerous, threatening, or morally questionable way. We have the ability to detect deception, betrayal, a lack of integrity, shady or questionable behaviors. Yet, between our cultural conditioning that says to “give people the benefit of the doubt,” or “be nice,” we either disregard those feelings, or turn them inward, somehow making them our own responsibility.

The questionable, unprofessional, deceptive, behaviors of another ARE NOT OUR FAULT, neither are they our responsibility. Contrary to the toxic over-responsibility movement, the bad behaviors of another HAVE NOTHING to do with our unhealed wounds. Instead, the feelings that arise in us when faced with another’s unsavory behavior is simply our TRUTH BAROMETER calling BULLSHIT. Isn’t it long past time we start listening to that voice and stop taking responsibility for other people’s shitty behavior?

Loved a Narcissist?

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

If you have loved a narcissist, absolutely NOTHING was your fault. NOTHING was your responsibility. There were no lessons to learn.

Instead, EVERYTHING is the responsibility and fault of the narcissist. Narcissists prey on our tender, generous, and vulnerable hearts. They deceive us for their gain. They keep secrets to guarantee our curiosity and hope. They know their actions are manipulative and evil, but they also know the capacity of our forgiveness and our willingness to see them through the lens of compassion and understanding. They thrive on us feeling sorry for them because of the wounds that make them do the hateful things they do. They know that instead of holding them accountable, we will take responsibility for their actions, or at the very least, view every single conflict as a vehicle for learning and growth.

They also know all the ways in which we’ve been punished in the past for asking for our needs to be met or inviting another’s accountability, and they will punish us in the same way. They know we are used to being the grown up in a relationship and that we were forced to grow up early and to bear the burden of over responsibility very early in our lives.

They know of our shame and our guilt and they use these against us, for they have neither.

A narcissist has no shame. They will never apologize or take responsibility for their actions. They will never work to make things right.

With a narcissist, there is only one thing we can do: 

WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK

You did nothing wrong. Nothing was your fault. There were no lessons to learn, except perhaps, to get the f*ck out. And I guarantee, the narcissist won’t bat and eye and will likely never think of you again – for they’re already on to the next person to harm.

Acceptance is an Aspect of Forgiveness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Forgive, but never forget!  And….let go of any idea that what you’re trying to “forgive” will ever completely go away.

Sometimes, we can’t just “let it go.” We can move through the pain and heal it….bit by bit by bit.  With some wounds (betrayals, deceptions, etc.) we can heal from most of the pain. With others, especially those of the deepest and most indelible nature, some of the wound may always remain.

It was once suggested to me by a trusted advisor, that with one wound in particular (that related to me being essentially excommunicated by the Catholic Church) I should just let it go. I’ve given a lot of prayerful consideration to her suggestion. It’s not that I disagree with her. Instead, I recognize that I, alone, do not have the power to be completely free of this wound. How can one be free of a wound where there has never been and will likely never be an apology or closure? I’m not closed to the fact that Grace might step in and I will suddenly find myself free of the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the betrayal, and the heartache. Grace, however, is not something I can do for myself. I have learned that true Grace only comes from God (our own understanding of that which some might call “God.”)

Instead of placing pressure on myself or entertaining the finger of shame for not being able to “let it go,” I have chosen acceptance.  I accept the invitation to continue the work of healing. I accept responsibility for my part in the healing. I accept the possibility of some miraculous intervention that might fully free me of the wound. I accept the very real possibility that I may never be fully free of this wound and that there will likely be situations, experiences, conversations, TV shows, news articles, social media posts, etc. that might trigger that wound, inviting me into another layer of healing.

Acceptance, I believe, is its own kind of forgiveness. It allows us to hold ourselves in compassion and loving care as we continue to allow the healing, without heaping pressure on ourselves to have to be perfectly healed. Acceptance means tending to the parts over which I have some measure of control, surrendering to that over which I have no control, and being at peace with my current state of being – whatever that may be.

It’s ok to be human and hurting. It is often through our own vulnerability and pain that we are able to be a source of compassionate care toward ourselves and then toward others.

The above is an entry from Lauri’s upcoming book, Unseen – the Memoir of an Invisible Woman. Find Lauri’s other books on Amazon.com HERE.

Breaking Up with the Jesus/Mary Magdalene “Love” Story

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Before my Magdalene sisters get their undies twisted….hear me out!

Since gnostic scripture revealed that Jesus may have kissed Mary Magdalene on the mouth, and Andrew Lloyd Webber had Mary singing love songs to Jesus, thousands, if not millions, (me included) have pined after the Jesus/Mary Magdalene story as an example and model of the ideal relationship, what in my own writings I have called Beloved Partnership. While it’s appropriate to desire and stand up for a healthy, loving, mutually respectful and supportive relationship, I’m not sure (our current understanding of) Jesus and Mary Magdalene provide the best example. Here’s why:

Lack of Historical Evidence

First, we must acknowledge that we know ABSOLUTELY nothing about what did and did not truly happen between Jesus and Mary Magdalene. All we have are fragments of third century (CE) papyrus with words like koinonos (companion), and nashak (to share in the same spirit – often translated as kiss), showing Mary Magdalene in a pre-eminent role, and participating in the knowledge and wisdom that Jesus shared. Beyond this, we have nothing to definitively prove a romantic relationship or marriage between them.  

The idea of Jesus and Mary Magdalene as intimate, loving, sexual, married partners (who may or may not have bore a child together) is strictly the creation of human imagination. Regardless of those who might argue otherwise, including the French legends, alleged oral and written traditions, so-called channeled histories, and my own writings, there is absolutely ZERO academic proof to support the theory of romantic love between Jesus and Mary Magdalene.  Lack of scholarly evidence does not mean they weren’t married; it just means we must be careful to what ideas we become attached. The idea of Jesus and Mary Magdalene as beloved partners is not a mountain I’m willing to die on.

Secondly, we need to take a good hard look at Jesus, himself.

Co-Dependency

Unavailable Man

Scriptural accounts of Jesus portray him in a way that screams UNAVAILABLE MAN!  First off, he’s off gadding about between Jerusalem, Bethany, the wilderness, Samaria, Capernaum, and everywhere in between. He’s not in one place long enough to call any place home. The only home that is mentioned is Nazareth, or alternatively Capernaum. Scripture clearly places Mary in Bethany, which is only a brief and occasional stop over for Jesus. Where, when, and how is this marriage supposed to have taken place and with all his traipsing around, what kind of partner could Jesus have been to poor Mary? Not only is he portrayed as unavailable to Mary, but Jesus is also unavailable to his so-called apostles. If Jesus had been truly present to them, they wouldn’t have had to argue about which one Jesus loved more or who would sit beside him in his “kingdom.”

Unrequited Love

Not only is Jesus depicted in scripture as unavailable, any love Mary or the disciples would have had for him went unrequited. They appeared to love him – but did he love them in return? The terms Rabbi and Rabbouni that the disciples (including Mary) used in addressing Jesus do not imply intimacy. Instead, these terms depict the healthy detachment that must exist between teacher and student/counselor and client. Jesus did not go off into the wilderness or up the mountains to pray in the company of his disciples.  He went alone. Further, as an embodiment and source of unconditional love, I’m not sure Jesus had time to love another in the romantic way that our 21st century minds would like to imagine. I am aware that there is the argument that if Jesus were indeed a Jewish Rabbi, he would have HAD to have been married. Perhaps so but would the marriage have been fulfilling for his wife based on what scripture tells us about his travels.  Oh yeah…..and then he went and died on everyone, leaving everyone to pine away for the loss of their teacher, friend, and supposed beloved partner. As I said – UNREQUITED!

Disparity of Power

Scripture places Jesus in the role of the teacher of his disciples.  He taught. They listened. He later sent them out to “proclaim the good news and heal the sick,” but he remained in the leadership position. It is implied that Jesus healed Mary Magdalene of “seven demons.” He raised Lazarus from the dead. He healed the sick. Every example places Jesus in the position of power, thereby creating a disparity of power between himself and his disciples, namely Mary Magdalene. Perhaps Mary achieved a power like Jesus’ that placed her on equal footing with him. Our 21st century imaginations would like to hope for that. The likelihood of a woman in first century Palestine achieving power equal to a man, however, is slim to none, as such, IF a romantic relationship did occur between Jesus and Mary, it would have been rooted in a disparity of power, ensuring co-dependency. Not exactly a model for Beloved Partnership.

Beloved Partnership

Beloved Partnership, as I define it, is not based on co-dependency rooted in either unavailable or unrequited love created within a dynamic of power disparity. Instead, Beloved Partnership is only possible between two individuals of equal power who have achieved self-actualization in their own right, and through their own means. Abraham Maslow (Motivation and Personality, 1970, pp. 181- 202) speaks of this in describing what he calls the self-actualized couple:

  • A partnership where there is a mutual giving and receiving of love, both parties are equally able and willing to engage in both giving and receiving.
  • A healthy sexuality rooted in and reflective of love – more creative, ecstatic, orgasmic and fulfilling, yet also less about attachment.  It is not a needy kind of intimacy, but instead is mutually fulfilling.
  • Pooling of needs – your needs, wants, desires, become mine and visa versa – such that there becomes one hierarchy of needs with two people seeking after their fulfillment. 
  • Fun, merriment, joy, spontaneity, elation, feelings of well-being.
  • Mutual honor and respect of the other’s individual gifts, talents, drive, passions, interests, temperament, etc.
  • Mutual, authentic admiration, wonder and awe.
  • Detachment and Individuality – able to be in relationship without compromising one’s own individuality.

Barbara Marx Hubbard sees the Beloved Partnership as what we are growing into as we evolve toward the next stage of human development as a co-creative society.  In keeping with this vision, she calls the Beloved Partners the Co-Creative Couple (Conscious Evolution, 2015, pp. 238 – 239):

…the co-creative couple begins when both partners achieve within themselves at least the beginning of a balance between the masculine and feminine, the animus and the anima.  It begins when the woman’s initiative and vocational need is received in love by the feminine receptivity of her partner.  When she is loved for her more masculine side, she falls in love with the man’s feminine aspect, for what she needs is the nurturance of her own strength and creativity.  She loves him for his receptivity. He no longer has to prove himself by control and domination.  He can bring forth his own creativity without aggression.  And she can express her strength without fear of losing him.  Whole being joins with whole being…

As we move forward in our cultural redefining of relationship and intimate partnership, Beloved Partnership is what I envision as the goal toward which we could be striving. The other is not meant to complete us for in Beloved Partnership we are already complete within ourselves, as is the other. No more are we chasing after unavailable women or men or pining after unrequited love. Neither are we after the seat of power, or willing to give our power away for the sake of a love that is less than we deserve. Instead, we come together as co-equal partners, content in who we are, complete in our gifts and ready and willing to share that wholeness with another who is equally whole.

Based on historical evidence, Jesus and Mary Magdalene did not live out this model of relationship. To continue to uphold Jesus and Mary Magdalene as examples of this ideal does us a great disservice while keeping us stranded in the codependent models of love we’ve been conditioned to pursue and from which we are trying to unravel.  It is for this reason that I am breaking up with the Jesus/Mary Magdalene “love” story. (There is nothing wrong with imagining Jesus and Mary as Beloved Partners, let’s just be sure what models of partnership we are using in constructing that dream.  Also, I say this to myself as much as I’m saying to anyone else!)

Lauri Ann Lumby, MATP

is the author of Happily Ever After – the Transformational Journey from “You Complete Me” to “Beloved Partnership.” Available on Amazon HERE.

She has also counseled individuals who are searching for Beloved Partnership and couples who are moving from the Dark Night of the Relationship toward Beloved Partnership.

Learn more about working with Lauri