deception

Loved a Narcissist?

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

If you have loved a narcissist, absolutely NOTHING was your fault. NOTHING was your responsibility. There were no lessons to learn.

Instead, EVERYTHING is the responsibility and fault of the narcissist. Narcissists prey on our tender, generous, and vulnerable hearts. They deceive us for their gain. They keep secrets to guarantee our curiosity and hope. They know their actions are manipulative and evil, but they also know the capacity of our forgiveness and our willingness to see them through the lens of compassion and understanding. They thrive on us feeling sorry for them because of the wounds that make them do the hateful things they do. They know that instead of holding them accountable, we will take responsibility for their actions, or at the very least, view every single conflict as a vehicle for learning and growth.

They also know all the ways in which we’ve been punished in the past for asking for our needs to be met or inviting another’s accountability, and they will punish us in the same way. They know we are used to being the grown up in a relationship and that we were forced to grow up early and to bear the burden of over responsibility very early in our lives.

They know of our shame and our guilt and they use these against us, for they have neither.

A narcissist has no shame. They will never apologize or take responsibility for their actions. They will never work to make things right.

With a narcissist, there is only one thing we can do: 

WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK

You did nothing wrong. Nothing was your fault. There were no lessons to learn, except perhaps, to get the f*ck out. And I guarantee, the narcissist won’t bat and eye and will likely never think of you again – for they’re already on to the next person to harm.

Truth Stands on Its Own

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Truth always finds its way to the light where it can be readily seen by those who have the eyes to see, bringing justice to situations where untruths otherwise prevailed.

In one case I was aware of these truths.  Although the revelations of these truths would have provided me with much vindication, I had kept silent about these truths for the sake of others who might be hurt by them.  These truths had been the cause of much pain in my own life, truths that the human part of me wanted to shout to the world as a way of “getting back” at those who had hurt me.  Instead, I chose silence, knowing and trusting that these truths would eventually find their way to the light for those who needed to know in a time that was perfect for them. 

And this is exactly what happened.  The truth came to light bringing healing and closure where neither were previously thought possible.  In addition, the way in which these truths came to light brought empowerment for those, who through their own observations had intuited these truths.  The revelation of these truths brought great validation for me in having taken the “high road” in choosing silence and trust over revenge.

It also serves as a great reminder that no matter how hard one works at disguising, denying or avoiding their truth, truth cannot be hidden for long and the deceiver will always give themselves away, if not directly then by slips of the tongue or getting caught in an outright lie.

This is the advice I offer to students and clients who are faced with similar situations of untruths – where harm has been done to them, and they want to take revenge on the “other” by telling everyone the truth.  I say, “Wait.  The truth will win out in the end.  Those that need to know will find out if and when they need to.” 

Choosing silence, trust, and a patient heart allows us to turn away from the human desire for revenge and toward forgiveness practices – those practices that free us from the resentment, hurt, sense of betrayal, anger and hatred that we might otherwise harbor against the other.  Here we are able to free ourselves of the pain of the hurt while not causing harm to another.  Choosing this path gives us freedom.

As I also advise my students and clients, “Karma is a bitch.”  While I do not believe in a punitive God, I do believe in (and the human part of me takes great comfort in) the law of cause and effect.  What you put out to the world will come back to you 100-fold.  If you (intentionally) cause harm to another, that harm will come back to you.  If you betray another, you will be betrayed.  If you are a liar, you will be deceived.  If you cheat, you will be cheated, etc. etc. etc.  There is comfort in knowing that we reap what we have sown and for those who sow deceit this is what they shall reap.  Truth, on the other hand, always wins.  Choose truth.  

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Lauri Ann Lumby, MATP, has over twenty-five years of experience as a soul-tender, educator and guide. She has supported hundreds through her one-on-one guidance, books, workshops, retreats, over thirty online courses, and online community.

Learn more about Lauri’s education and qualifications HERE.

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Holding My Tongue

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I spend a fair portion of my professional life supporting clients and students in naming, claiming, and speaking their truth. However, I find myself spending a lot of my personal life NOT speaking.

Yes, I speak MY truth.

What I don’t always speak is the truth I see in others. Or rather, their manipulations, lies, and deceptions. For as clearly as I know my own truth, I see the truth (or lack thereof) in others.

I see and I know – especially when another is trying to pull the wool over my eyes or over the eyes of others. I can’t be fooled. (I have been fooled in the past, but I’ve since learned to TRUST MY FIRST INSTINCTS.  They are always correct!) 

I listen and watch closely. Liars will always reveal their true face – if not right away, over time. The truth cannot be hidden for long.  Eventually it will creep out from under the carpet where it’s been swept to be seen by those with eyes to see.

Deception has tells – a look in the eyes, evasive or ghosting behaviors, lame excuses, inconsistencies, words not matching behaviors, false promises, leaving out important details, etc. Sometimes it’s just a feeling. Something doesn’t feel right, or something feels off about a person, their business, their practices, their products, their credentials. The stories they tell or the way they present themselves don’t add up. 

Sometimes it’s what’s NOT being said that reveals the lie.

To me, there is nothing worse than a liar!  Especially those who take advantage of others with their deceptions.  Most especially, when the advantage benefits the liar through the typical capitalistic measurements of so-called success:  money, fame, power. Liars getting rich off the backs of the vulnerable humans they have lured into their trap. This (almost regular) phenomenon makes me both angry and sad. Angry at the liar. Sad for their victims.

When I’m really being compassionate, I even feel sad for the liar. Why? Because the only people who need to lie are those with something to hide – often something they are hiding from themselves. A deep well of insecurity, for example, is a typical characteristic of liars.

The recovering perfectionist and truth-telling prophet in me wants to call out these liars from the rooftops at the top of my lungs.  “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” I want to point out every infraction, discrepancy, deception, and point out every tell. I want to see the liars brought to justice and watch the kingdom they have built for themselves burn itself to the ground.

I won’t though. I’ve learned it doesn’t do any good. Those enamored of the liar won’t believe me anyway. People refuse to see the truth right in front of them, sometimes even after it has blown up in their face. People are on their own path and will either eventually figure out the deception or die trying.

I’m also not an asshole. I might think like an asshole on occasion, but I refuse to act like one. (I’m sure there are certain people who would disagree with this statement – LOL!)  What if I’m wrong?  (I’m not!) How would I feel if someone accused me of lying (they would be wrong)?  I adhere to the Golden Rule.

I also believe strongly in the restorative justice of Karma.  Karma is a MF Bitch!  I’ve seen her in action. Whether in this life of the next, liars will get their due. And the evil part of me relishes in the fantasy of that retribution.

So, I hold my tongue. I watch. I observe. I listen. I pay attention. I discern. I let Truth speak for itself and allow the space for liars to dig their own graves.

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