surrender

Does the Universe Have a Plan?

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I’m starting right off with all the caveats to what I’m about to write.  Yes, my observations could be 100% white, ableist privilege. They may also be (a term I recently learned) confirmation bias. Or I’m naïve, thrive on wishful thinking, or believe in magic. Any and all of this and more are possibly true.

HOWEVER

Every ancient spiritual text, including the Tao te Ching, the Torah, and Christian scripture seem to agree on one thing: the Universe (aka God) has a plan, and that our lives flow more peacefully and with more ease when we align ourselves with that plan and surrender to it.

BUT HOW DO WE DO THIS?

The Tao says (in so many words) that whatever is happening RIGHT NOW is the plan. Zen teachings say something similar. The present moment just is, and it is a part of the constant unfolding of the Universes’ becoming. We are part of that becoming.

To put it in theistic terms, God/Goddess/Source is experiencing itself in every possible way through every expression of creation – from the smallest atom to entire universes. We are God expressing God’s Self in the unique creation we were made to be. Cells being cells, trees being trees, humans being humans – all are part of the unfolding/becoming of Source with a destination that is infinite and timeless, perhaps even unlimited. (we are NOT getting into the topic of entropy here!).

This brings us to the unanswerable question. Is this unfolding of Source random (chaos theory) or is there an intelligence that drives that unfolding.

I tend to lean in the direction of the latter – that there is an unknowable intelligence driving this unfolding, and that this intelligence knows exactly what it is doing in its becoming/expressing. I have also come to believe (or chosen to believe) that this intelligence is benevolent and desires the highest good for its expressions of self.

But what does highest good mean? In the psychology of Sri Aurobindo, (and similarly in the Kabbalah) each of us are here for the purpose of learning and growth. Each life we live serves the learning and growth of the Soul which in turn influences our subsequent lives. The human journey is like being cast out to sea so that we can find our own way home. We experience ourselves as separate from Source so that we might have a unique human journey, all the while trying to find our way back to Source. As if journeying down a funnel, each life brings us closer and closer to complete reunion with Source.

We are not, however, cast out to sea without guidance or equipment. Instead, there is a plan for the journey along with a plan for our return. Accounting for freewill, the plan is loose. We can go along with the plan, or we can stray from it. We can surrender to the plan, or we can resist. Surrendering to the plan may include loss, sorrow, betrayal, and pain; but in finding acceptance we experience comfort. Resistance causes suffering. The human journey is not meant to be easy as growth requires struggle. We can, however, choose to make the journey a bit easier on ourselves by trusting in and surrendering to the plan.

BUT WHAT IS THE DAMN PLAN? This is the burning question to which we will never likely receive an answer. Instead, we are left only with what ancient wisdom seems to agree upon:

There is a plan. The plan is in this moment. Trust in and surrender to the plan.

This is where I find myself today. (let’s ground this thing…shall we!?).  For the past thirty-one years, I thought I understood the plan. I received a calling that I followed. I pursued education and training in that field. I’ve been doing the work in any and all ways I could figure out. I’ve made changes where needed. I’ve adapted to different audiences. I’ve networked myself to death. Now it seems I’ve reached the end of the trail with nothing in front of me except for the VOID. Every effort comes up flat and lifeless and I’m all out of ideas. I could continue to beat this (seemingly) dead horse, or I can just sit my ass down at the end of the trail until something shows itself. I know, from previous experience that attempting anything else will only leave me beaten and bloody. So instead:

I anchor myself in this present moment and trust that the Universe is taking me somewhere, it’s just not yet ready to show me. Or maybe, I just go to sleep knowing the Universe is carrying me to wherever I’m next meant to be.

And just to prove my point: this was my first week off since January. I had great plans on what to do with this time – including searching job postings to help fill some financial needs. Instead, the Universe intervened. Instead of allowing me to get in my own way by not trusting the plan and surrendering to Tao, the Universe gave me a case of the feverish creeping crud. I could do nothing that I had planned for the week except writhe in misery while trying to find something entertaining to watch on TV. Ugh.

Another thing I’ve learned, when we turn away from surrender and attempt to control the plan, we get our ass handed to us. May as well let go and surrender even (especially) when we have no idea of the plan.  It’s just easier that way!  

Finally: a little inspiration from my favorite band, The Osmonds, from their album THE PLAN!

I’m not sure if this, or any of my other trainings will be part of “the plan.” My Magdalene training is available now as are any of my other Magdalene-themed courses. Click on the button below to learn more:

Magdalene Courses

Endings

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 2 Comments

I’m writing this for the sake of transparency and to be open and honest about the vulnerability that comes with endings.

Endings: It seems that the work I have passionately nurtured over the past thirty years is coming to an end. I’m not going into the details of this because the details are boring and unimportant. What matters is that many people have been served and found benefit in my in-person and online courses and training programs. I am grateful to have been able to serve in this way and for the creative inspiration that brought these courses and services into being.

Endings: are weird. I should be sad, but I’m not. I have been sad and the grief has gone from despair to terror to writhing, to surrender. Today, I find myself resigned. As St. Paul said, “I’ve fought the good fight. (2 Timothy 4:7)” I’ve been obedient to the inner guidance that compelled me to create these courses and share them. I’ve done what I know how to do to extend invitations for people to participate. I’ve shown up as a facilitator and guide. For a time, people showed up to enthusiastically participate. Over time, that has dwindled. Now there is nothing.

Endings: It’s ok. “To everything there is a season….turn, turn, turn…” But I have to ask, what comes after reaping?

Endings: Nothing. Nothing comes after reaping.  After reaping is fallow time. It’s a time to rest and to wait. It’s a time to simply be. For now, this is what I’m doing. I know better than to beat bushes and chase after potential new opportunities. I know better than to try to hold up something that is already dead. I know better than to force something that is not yet ready to come into being.

Endings: Waiting in the no-thing is hard. Unfinished sorrows come up to be revisited. “Shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” whisper in our ears. With nothing to do we grow restless and impatient. We are tempted to try to “make things happen” when we are really only supposed to be anchored firmly in the void. Fears around survival make their appearance. “How will you pay your bills?  How will you cover rent? What will you do about money?” We are conditioned to act, but during these fallow times, our conditioning no longer serves.

Endings: Wait. Watch. Listen. Be present to whatever faces of grief and temptation show themselves. Refrain from doing or taking action until whatever is coming to take the place of what is ending shows itself. And know that the new, when it comes, will be obvious and exactly what I need at this place in my journey for whatever time I have left on this planet.

Endings: are a blessing for they clear the way for something new and better to take its place – often something we might never expect for ourselves and potentially something beyond our wildest dreams. I am willing to surrender to this ending so that new life might come in – whatever that new life might be.

Endings: another thing I’ve learned is that I am not in charge. Source/God alone knows what it has planned for me. “Let it be done to me according to your word.”

PS: for those who will want to worry, I’m really ok. Sad, yes. Unsure about what is to come, yes. And while I don’t exactly know what this ending will fully look like, it’s been a long-time coming. I’ve experienced endings before and know that here too, something is coming to take its place. It just hasn’t yet shown itself. Without my interference, it will and I will know it when it arrives. Thank you for your kind thoughts and support through this time of unknowing. Love, Lauri.

Why Bother?

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

examining the blurred line between surrender and depression

This title, Why Bother, even describes how I’m feeling in this moment as I attempt to put these thoughts in writing. On one hand I’m sick to death of my own inner voice. On the other hand, I know I have friends, colleagues, clients and students who might share these sentiments. Is this just what happens as we approach our sixties or is there something more afoot?

In short (who am I kidding, I’m never short with my words), I have arrived at a place in my life where daily I’m faced with the question, “Why Bother?” while also acknowledging a deep sense of letting go combined with an even deeper sense of surrendering to what is (or what seems to be). Some might call it acceptance. Others might accuse me of being depressed. Yes? No? Maybe so? Does it even matter what we call it when it just simply is?

For the vast majority of my almost sixty years, I have worked my butt off!  As a child, I pursued academics with two specific goals in mind: to become class valedictorian and to get into the college of my choice where I would pursue Engineering just like my dad. In the end, I achieved neither, but I worked hard in pursuit of those goals. In college I did the same. I worked hard, studied, hard, all with an end-goal in mind – get a good job that makes lots of money. Again, none of these goals panned out, but not for lack of trying.

Somewhere around 1994, I experienced a profound change of direction and found myself called into what I believed to be my life purpose and mission. I pushed myself in my studies. I developed opportunities to put my learning into actions. I gained respect in my field and eventually landed a job that I planned to pursue to the highest rank possible for a woman working in the Church – Parish Director. As these goals began to bear fruit, the rug was violently pulled out from under me and I found myself again, on another path.

We plan and God laughs!

Before going on about career stuff, I must also acknowledge my marriage. I had a vision. I had goals. I worked my ever-loving ass off to make the impossible succeed. I did not fail -but the marriage did. Again, not for lack of trying!

Then there’s my kids – yeah – I won at that. No, it’s not a contest, but I can confidently acknowledge the role I played in supporting my children in being the absolute best versions of themselves as they could possibly be. No, I wasn’t perfect. I sometimes lost my temper. I occasionally yelled at my kids. My anxiety often got the best of me. I’m sure they are carrying around conditioned thoughts or behaviors influenced by my own unhealed wounds. BUT, I look at them today and I could not be more proud – of them, and myself for my attempts at loving them into being who they are today. In this I can say I succeeded.

Back to the career stuff – without boring you with the details about which I’m sick of speaking – I worked hard, really hard, at what I understood to be my mission and purpose, and worked even more vigorously at it after the Church rug got pulled out from beneath me. I pursued further education. I voraciously consumed books on personal development, grief, and shadow work, etc. all while building, promoting, and managing my own business offering resources and support for individual self-actualization.

  • I wrote and published books. Eleven to be exact.
  • I created and facilitated over 30 courses in personal development – both in-person and eventually online.
  • I worked with countless students and clients who felt called to pursue their own inner work.
  • I networked with and collaborated with other people in the field in support of our shared mutual growth.
  • I penned thousands of blog posts to support the visibility of my work and to educate and inspire readers.
  • I wrote for myself and was guest writer for many online and hard-copy publications.
  • I put SEO practice into my work.
  • I did what I was told to do by various so-called experts.
  • I gathered a strategic team to help support a necessary rebranding.
  • Speaking of rebranding – I’ve done that too many times to mention.
  • I believed in the promises offered to me by influential people in the field to “help make my business successful.”

Since 2003, I have done all this. I’m grateful for all those who received from the gifts I shared in the world. I acknowledge the benefit my sharing has been for many. I’m humbled by the relationships that have blossomed out of the simple act of me sharing myself in the world.

Yes, great good has come from thirty years of pursuit. And yet, I have nothing of a material nature to show for all my hard work. I have zero savings. No investments. I own nothing but my car and the contents of my apartment. To heap on additional frustration, as of 2020, my work, my passion, my mission, my business has all but died. Yes, there have been a few new students and clients popping up from time to time along with the return of those with whom I hadn’t work in years. But for the most part – not much to nothing has been happening.

At some point in the last several years, I have been forced to increasingly acknowledge that what I thought was my mission and purpose is over. It’s complete. Perhaps all I pursued was simply for my own sake and those clients and students were only along for the ride (as one of my Zen friends reminds, “We’re all just here in our own sit.”) I sometimes wonder if the search for and pursuit of meaning and purpose is simply an illusion that feeds our big fat egos.

But I’m really good at what I do/did.  There was a passion that drove me. My gifts became enlivened and additional gifts were discovered, cultivated, and shared. St. Paul says this is what we should be doing – using our own unique gifts in support of the mission of love. I’ve done all that.

And yet…..and yet…..what do we do when there is nothing left? No one coming forth to receive our gifts. No inspiration to create anything new. No energy or excitement about diving back in to try reviving that which is already dead.

I got nothing. I’m spent. I have nothing more inside of me to promote, advertise, or feed my business – and at this point I wonder, “Why bother?” I’ve done all I can. Perhaps it’s lived out its life and that life has come to an end. Maybe it’s time to hand the baton to the young ones who still have the energy to start a new life.

I do not. I’m done pushing that boulder up the hill only to have it roll back down over my own dying body. I’m tired. I’m spent. One some days I feel defeated, but mostly I feel resigned. In spite of all my efforts, nothing can reverse the direction of a dying tide. It is what it is. I did what I felt called to do. I ministered to those who found their way to me. I gave my best effort and brought my best self forth. Some enjoyed the benefits of my sharing. Others found their way to another path. Some gave up the work for reasons I can only guess. Some turned away because it was easier to blame me than to face their own demons and do the deep inner work of personal healing and transformation. And I was there for it all.

So what happens now? I have a part-time job that has its frustrations but at least it helps me to pay the bills. Beyond that, I’m not sure I care. Not because I’m depressed, but because if there is one thing I’ve learned in the 59+ year journey is that WE ARE NOT IN CHARGE! Some other force is driving the boat and we can either exhaust ourselves fighting against it or go along for the ride. At almost sixty, I’m choosing to go along for the ride because any other choice is futile. This is where the “Why bother” comes in. In going along for the ride (surrendering/accepting), there’s nothing left to do, only something to be. The something I choose to be is peaceful, living with ease, gently, lovingly, and with kindness toward myself and others – or as one friend recently shared: “There is nothing more to do other than to be that which cannot be seen,” which as it turns out might just be a fancy way of saying, “Why bother?”

Acceptance is an Aspect of Forgiveness

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

Forgive, but never forget!  And….let go of any idea that what you’re trying to “forgive” will ever completely go away.

Sometimes, we can’t just “let it go.” We can move through the pain and heal it….bit by bit by bit.  With some wounds (betrayals, deceptions, etc.) we can heal from most of the pain. With others, especially those of the deepest and most indelible nature, some of the wound may always remain.

It was once suggested to me by a trusted advisor, that with one wound in particular (that related to me being essentially excommunicated by the Catholic Church) I should just let it go. I’ve given a lot of prayerful consideration to her suggestion. It’s not that I disagree with her. Instead, I recognize that I, alone, do not have the power to be completely free of this wound. How can one be free of a wound where there has never been and will likely never be an apology or closure? I’m not closed to the fact that Grace might step in and I will suddenly find myself free of the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the betrayal, and the heartache. Grace, however, is not something I can do for myself. I have learned that true Grace only comes from God (our own understanding of that which some might call “God.”)

Instead of placing pressure on myself or entertaining the finger of shame for not being able to “let it go,” I have chosen acceptance.  I accept the invitation to continue the work of healing. I accept responsibility for my part in the healing. I accept the possibility of some miraculous intervention that might fully free me of the wound. I accept the very real possibility that I may never be fully free of this wound and that there will likely be situations, experiences, conversations, TV shows, news articles, social media posts, etc. that might trigger that wound, inviting me into another layer of healing.

Acceptance, I believe, is its own kind of forgiveness. It allows us to hold ourselves in compassion and loving care as we continue to allow the healing, without heaping pressure on ourselves to have to be perfectly healed. Acceptance means tending to the parts over which I have some measure of control, surrendering to that over which I have no control, and being at peace with my current state of being – whatever that may be.

It’s ok to be human and hurting. It is often through our own vulnerability and pain that we are able to be a source of compassionate care toward ourselves and then toward others.

The above is an entry from Lauri’s upcoming book, Unseen – the Memoir of an Invisible Woman. Find Lauri’s other books on Amazon.com HERE.

When the Rejected Becomes the Cornerstone

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / 3 Comments

This week I was given a lived experience of a lesson I had planned for my online community. Instead, of being able to present the lesson, however, I was writhing on my couch in the lived experience of it. Interestingly, it is not unusual that I am required to live out a lesson before I’m able to share it.

The lesson I had planned was based on the following psalm:

The stone which the builders rejected has become the cornerstone.

Psalm 118

The Stone

This is how I came to live out the planned lesson:

I have a medical condition called chronic vestibular neuritis. What this means is layperson’s terms is that a virus caused permanent damage to my vestibular nerve.

From Wikipedia: The vestibular nerve plays an implicit role in maintaining blood pressure, maintaining balance control, spatial memory and spatial navigation during movement. 

Damage to the vestibular nerve can lead to intermittent and ongoing issues of vertigo, giddiness, sensitivity to light and sound, and migraines. This is exactly how I have experienced this disorder. I’ve exhausted all efforts in seeking a cure or effective treatment and have found neither. Instead, I’m stuck with the reality of this disorder:

  1. Due to this disorder, I can no longer drive on highways or long distances.
  2. Due to this disorder, I am often stricken with giddiness (feeling unbalanced, dizzy, or light headed).
  3. Due to this disorder, I am sometimes stricken with an excruciatingly painful migraine that might be limited to my head and neck, or sometimes encompasses my whole body.

Changes in barometric pressure or dramatic weather changes can trigger my symptoms. Wine is sometimes a trigger. Poor seating ergonomics and too much time on my computer are also triggers. Sometimes I can’t point my finger at what the cause might be. The position of the stars? A comet flying past? Solar flares?  Who knows!?

The Rejection

This week I was struck by the symptoms of this disorder and was forced to spend two days on the couch.

To say I hate that I have this condition would be an understatement.  Since 2016, when I was first stricken with the virus that caused vestibular nerve damage, I have struggled with the ongoing and intermittent symptoms. Mostly I have struggled with the limitations caused by this disorder.  I hate that I am no longer free to just get in my car and drive where I want.  I hate that I have to ask my friends or my children to drive me. I hate that there are some days when even local driving is excruciating – like on those bad weather days where the wind is blowing, snow is pouring down, and my windshield wipers are going. Between the pressure and the movement, I feel like I’m going to die.

My overachieving workaholic “needs to be productive to feel valued” self, hates that there are many days where I am completely unable to work because the pain, the light, the sounds, the smells, and any kind of movement forces me to retreat into darkness.  I writhe in pain while wallowing in the inner voices of chastisement telling me I’m being weak and lazy for not pushing through the pain to get things done. UGH!  (Who said the “protestant work ethic” was a good thing?  I’m not even Protestant!)

In short, chronic vestibular neuritis and all its accompanying symptoms has been a stone that I have rejected. I have hated this about myself. I have been frustrated at the medical professional’s inability to offer me an effective treatment or cure. Even the diagnosis took years to confirm (I knew what it was through my own research YEARS before my doctor could tell me what it was!). I have grown tired of all those well-meaning folks who try to offer up their own cures and treatments for something about which they do not know.

The Cornerstone

During all these many years of rejecting the stone of vestibular neuritis, has also been the whispering invitation of surrender and acceptance. After exhausting all other efforts, what choice does one really have?  I can continue to be angry, frustrated, resentful, impatient, and condemning of my symptoms, but what good does that do me?  Instead, (along with the accompanying symptoms of grief) I have tried to look at what this disorder might be inviting me into.  The invitation is really quite obvious and is known in what the disorder has forced me to do:

  1. Be vulnerable and humble enough to ask for and accept help with those things I can no longer do for myself (like drive).
  2. Take advantage of my good days. Do what I can do, without pushing myself and let go of the rest.
  3. Surrender to the bad days. It’s ok to do nothing. It’s ok to cancel plans. It’s ok to forego commitments.

The more subtle invitation has been to reorder and restructure my life away from my workaholic tendencies, and toward a gentler, more ease-full flow. No longer do I feel the need to fit into the standard American model of work. I have more and more fully embraced the fact that I couldn’t work a “regular job” if I tried. Only in running my own business do I have the freedom to work in a way that is necessary to maintain my health (oh yeah…..there’s that degenerative kidney disease I have too) and respond to my unpredictably changing symptoms.

In doing this, the rejected stone of chronic illness has become the cornerstone upon which the current foundation of my life is established.

What have you rejected about your own life experience that might be seeking to become a cornerstone?

Learn more about Soul School

and all we have to offer in the way of online courses, one-on-one spiritual counseling, books, and more HERE.

Getting Out of the Way

/ Lauri Ann Lumby / Leave a comment

I have recently become aware of an interesting phenomenon.  Those with whom I am close and who I consider my spiritual family are finding themselves sequestering.  Either by choice, circumstance, or because it is being forced upon them by the universe,  they are finding themselves with a nearly or completely clear calendar from now through the end of the year.  I too am finding myself in this place.

For a long while, I’ve been hearing the universal call to let go, clear our plates, eliminate the unnecessary, discard that which is no longer life giving to clear the way for something new to take its place.  Recently I read another reminder to deepen/accelerate that clearing.  In my own life, I have literally nothing more to clear.  But then the Universe decided to explain to me the full extent of this clearing.  With nothing material remaining to clear, all that remained was TIME. 


Time….time…time….see what’s become of me……

Since I refused to hear this message on my own, the Universe did what the Universe does – it forced it upon me.  Struck down by the events of our world (read more about being an empath below), I found myself FLATTENED.  First I writhed in frustration.  Then I convulsed in pain. Finally I surrendered.  I cancelled my appointments. I took time to rest (I’m still resting).  And then when I looked at my calendar…..I GOT IT.  It is time to:

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Sometimes after we have done everything we can do to be a source of Love and Support in our world through our own unique gifts, and the world continues to writhe in pain, we need to simply get out of the way and let the Universe take over.  Remember – WE ARE NOT IN CHARGE. As we allow ourselves to step aside, the Universe steps in and does what it needs to do – in this case, to (hopefully) hasten the dying while creating a place for our gifts to once again be of use.  In the meantime, we wait, we care for ourselves and our loved ones, we rest, we breathe, we pray.  And maybe, just maybe, we find that we finally have time and space to dance! 

Have a Blessed Holiday Weekend!