Excruciatingly Human – UGH!

Can I just start out by saying how much I don’t like Mondays!?  I find Mondays in general difficult (not sure why – I don’t follow a traditional work week), but I’m finding this Monday especially challenging.  After my empathic body spent the past four days writhing in pain over whatever (everything) is happening in our world, I’m exhausted. I’m all out of f*cks to give and when my daily doubt demons showed up this morning, I didn’t even have the energy to care. 

“Hello demons. Make yourself at home.

I’ll just be over here in the corner trying not to die!”

Yep. Pretty much. Too exhausted care and all out of f*cks to give. Turns out I’m still human – excruciatingly so.

You’d think that after all I’ve “accomplished” in my life I’d have this doubt thing figured out. Right!?  I’ve written and published ten books (two more in the works). I’ve created and published nearly forty online courses. I’ve managed to support hundreds of women and men through my local and online courses and through one-on-one mentoring and spiritual counseling. I’ve officiated weddings and funerals. I’ve been present with friends through some of the most horrific experiences imaginable. Somehow in my work of service to the world – one that is rather difficult to describe or explain – I have eked out a living for myself and my children.  

And yet, on the daily, I am certain that I have failed and that my work doesn’t matter. And I wonder if it’s time to cash it all in and get a “real job.” UGH

I would be tempted to admit to suffering imposter syndrome, but I (intellectually) know I’m good I am at what I do – not because I’m vain – but because of the feedback I receive from clients, students, and members of my local and online communities.  I, on the other hand, know that it is not me who is doing the work – it is the Divine working through me. Despite my human frailties I hear words come out of my mouth that I know are not mine but are exactly what the client/student needs to hear in order to heal and transform their lives.  I can’t take any credit for this.  I can only give the credit to God.

But still I doubt. I compare. I look at what other writers, spiritual teachers, healers, etc. are accomplishing and the notoriety they have achieved in their work and I’m certain I must be doing something wrong. The thought-police chip in with their doctrine that “if you just think the right thoughts you’ll have everything you want and wish for.” (Don’t get me started). Marketing experts and other successful business owners (by the standards of Capitalism) offer me their formulas for success – all of which I have attempted only to find myself “failing” even worse!  (is that possible?)  I’ve been told to work harder, dumb down my writing, get a makeover (seriously!!!??), change my dress, etc. etc. etc.  I tried the “work harder” piece and nearly killed myself from the effort (few consider chronic illness when handing out “work harder” advice). Dumbing down my writing isn’t an option and……I can’t even respond to makeovers and clothing.  Good God!  Is this really how people decide if you are good enough to support them in their journey?! 

UGH!  Just UGH!

In reading this, one might say, “maybe you just need to be happy with the people who love you and say good things about you.”  Hmmmmm.  Like my amazing and thoughtful youngest sister who continues to rave about the gifts she envies in me – my ability to get things done, to remain disciplined, persistent and tenacious in the work I do.  I agree with her, but I also feel uncomfortable with her words. In a way, I guess I take the gifts that I have for granted because they don’t really feel like mine.  The things I do well don’t come from me – they come from a source deep inside me that every once in awhile decides to make itself known and accomplishes things of which I know I am not humanly capable.  Like raising my amazing children?  How did that happen?!

Ok.  That’s one thing I can take credit for. God gave me the stuff to work with and the self-awareness tools and wisdom to know how to apply them in my parenting. But I applied them.  And my kids are pretty darn awesome if I dare say so myself.

I have no answer for the demons of doubt that show up nearly every day, but I am reminded of Jesus.  In the Garden and at the moment of his death, doubt was there.

Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.” Matthew 26: 38-39 

About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).   Matthew 27: 46

If the demons of doubt were good enough for Jesus, I guess they’re good enough for me. So I’ll just go on being excruciatingly human.

Authentic Freedom, by Lauri Ann Lumby, transcends centuries of dogma to reveal the powerful and life-changing message at the heart of Jesus’ teachings and the universal truths at the core of every religion. The book’s unique approach offers an opportunity for the reader to heal the separation they feel within themselves, with God and with each other, ultimately revealing the truth of Oneness. Built upon the compelling integration of Eastern Energy Medicine and the 2000-year-old tradition of Christian, contemplative spiritual practices, Authentic Freedom revels a Dynamic and unifying path of spiritual transformation that speaks to people of all traditions and beliefs.

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