I’ve just returned from a very short visit with the Minnesota Lumbys for our annual ThanksChristmas. As an introvert who suffers with a vestibular disorder that is triggered by movement, noise, lights, smells, barometric pressure and more, today is a rest and recovery day. I’m resting at home, in my self-created sanctuary, simply being and reflecting on the state of things.

Things are weird. My whole life I’ve had some sort of sense of purpose.  I had goals, lists of things I wanted to accomplish, studies to complete, grades (or as a grown up – money) to achieve. Now I find myself with none of these. Truth be told, I feel a little lost and at almost sixty, I sometimes wonder if I wasted my whole life by not becoming a high school English teacher – a path I never even considered but would have been really good at.

But alas, God (or whatever you call that) had other plans. Plans that included a lot of stumbling in and out of different careers, finally landing on what felt like my true soul’s calling. I still consider ministry of a certain kind to be my calling. I just never know what form it is going to take.  Certainly not one that bears any resemblance to how we typically think of ministry.

I don’t have a church. I sort of have a community. I don’t preside over liturgy. Over my dead body would I wear a collar or any of the priestly accoutrements. Like Jesus, I wear what regular people wear – in this day and age, usually jeans, a scooped neck top and boots.

Over the years my ministry has taken many forms – all centered around human development and counseling in some way. This continues to be true, but other forms have shown themselves, including serving as office manager (unofficial counselor) for a local ballet studio.

Most often my ministry, has really no form at all. It’s just showing up in a space and being myself.

And yet…..and yet……there continues to be something tickling the edges of my consciousness. Something beckoning. Something whispering. Something that is preparing to come into my life…….but its time is not yet here. And I have NO IDEA what it is.

Isn’t a deeply, long held longing that has not yet been fulfilled? It is more of God’s plan? Is it a yet undiscovered way to serve? Is it a miracle that will swoop in and ease the burden that the post 16 years has been? Will it be something that lightens the load and makes life just a little bit easier? Is it the second coming of Christ (insert hysterical laughter and a gigantic eyeball roll)?

I don’t know what it is and I am certain I am not alone in the deep seated feeling of “something coming but I know not what.” I am willing to bet that every single lightworker, healer, shadow worker, etc. is feeling something similar. For me, there is a distinct feeling of “something is finished” and “something new is soon to come in.” BUT I have NO IDEA what this new might be.

I would find myself impatient and sometimes frustrated in this unknowing, except that the VOID has been my constant companion for the last several years. So I wait. I sit. I do nothing. I accomplish nothing. I listen. I watch. I observe. I cease from interfering. I allow life/humanity to unfold its journey. I’ve stopped trying to convince anyone of anything or from trying to change their mind. I’m just letting things be. And this is difficult for two reasons – 1) I tend to be a person of action and change. 2) Many people around me are anxious about the state of our world and desperately want things to change.

I do too (want things to change), but I’m learned that my interference does nothing but cause distress. So I wait. And I remember that I, Lauri Ann Lumby, am not in charge (as much as I want to be – because darn tootin’ I could do it better). The Universe/God has a plan and there is absolutely nothing I can do until that something falls into my lap.

So in this Limbo time, I’m sitting with my heart and hands open for whatever the Universe has planned for me, knowing that I will say yes to whatever that is once I know what it is. I know better than to try to say “no” to “God.”

PS If I had said no to God about Reiki I’d still be working in the Church for a regular wage, doing what I’m told instead of wandering around on my own hoping and praying for enough clients and students to make my rent. Being obedient to our higher power, I have found, is not a path to riches. (hah!)