The struggle of feeling unseen and unheard

Two nights ago, I suffered one of my repeating nightmares. In this dream, not unlike many others like it, I was invited to speak to a group of people on a topic about which I was considered an expert. I spoke and no matter what I said, how I said it, or what I did to get the audience’s attention, I was completely ignored. Instead of listening to what I was saying, or paying attention to my presentation, the audience was talking and laughing amongst themselves. Finally, I put down my microphone and simply walked away. The audience didn’t even notice that I had left the podium, or the room.  They just continued with whatever they were doing, completely oblivious to my presence, or lack thereof.

The theme of this dream is one I have often. Speaking, teaching, announcing, begging, pleading with an individual or an audience while being completely ignored – unseen and unheard. At the end of these dreams, I wake up feeling frustrated and even a bit angry.

Why can’t or won’t they hear me?????

I wish I could say these dreams are simply a reflection of my own insecurity or lack of confidence. Instead, these dreams are a direct reflection of real-life experiences I have had. There have been countless occasions where I’ve been invited “as an expert” to speak to an audience or deliver a presentation and quite literally been ignored. I’m standing, or sitting, delivering whatever talk I’ve been invited to present, and I’m met with a room of blank stares. Or worse, as was the case in one corporate presentation, the audience actually made fun of me!  Or in another, where I was hosting a class and an organized group of people showed up to my class simply to harass and abuse me.

It’s not only in delivering presentations where I have felt unseen or unheard. While in graduate school, the university I was attending was going through a massive shake-up which resulted in a change in ownership and leadership. As students we were invited into a “townhall” meeting to discuss these changes and our feelings about it. In my time to share, I offered some suggestions based on my own previous experience with another institution going through something similar. I watched my words go up into the air and fall flat onto the ground while those who were meant to receive these words stared back at me blankly.

These experiences of feeling unseen and unheard have been a plague throughout my life. Whether it be in a teaching situation, when asked to present on a topic of expertise, writing my blog, trying to explain what I do, or offering deep knowledge about impending doom, I am met with blank stares. Sometimes those blank stares turn into any number of incredulous responses: “How can you know that?”  “You’re just being judgmental.” “That can’t be true.”

But the fact remains, I DO KNOW. Whether one calls it prophecy or simply the ability to read the room, I KNOW. And, I’m always right. Every. Single. Time. But no matter how often I’m proven true, or my work is shown to be of value, or others testify on my behalf, I cannot escape the very real experience of most often feeling unseen and unheard. No, it’s more than a feeling, many, arguably most, simply CANNOT hear me. Or if they can hear me, they choose not to listen.

When I shared about the dream on social media, my dear sister-in-law responded “Cassandra.” Admittedly, I had to look this up.  I had heard the terms “Cassandra Complex,” or “Cassandra Syndrome” before, but I didn’t really understand what it meant. As it turns out, neither do the so-called experts!

Every single post on this topic made it sound like “Cassandra Complex” was some sort of psychological disease – one experienced by women who think they are psychic and who go raving mad (“hysterical”) over not being heard. In these articles, the Cassandra is portrayed as sick and at-fault. Nowhere could I find validation for those who possess authentic intuitive gifts (or are just plain paying attention) and the very real frustration that arises when trying to share one’s gifts and being met with only a brick wall.

Cassandra was not the sick or insane person in the myth. The villain in the story is Apollo. Metaphorically, Apollo represents the ruling system and those invested in that system. Apollos are those who benefit from the ruling system, who prefer status quo, and who do not want to be disturbed by ideas that would question, challenge, or confront that system. Cassandra is the confronter. Cassandra brings visions of a new world, presents methods for escaping the status quo, and provides comfort and support for the natural grief that arises when one system is failing and a new one is trying to find its way in.

Cassandras are the truth bringers and light bearers. As light bearers, they often shine a light on that which has been hiding in the shadows and which needs to be confronted and healed to make room for more light. Apollos, as they cling to what they know, feel threatened by that which might point out that what they know might be a lie, or that they may have to let something go to experience something new. Apollos don’t want new. They’re happy with how things are. In response to a threat to their closely-held status-quo, Apollos will either go into a defensive mode, attempting to discredit the Cassandra, or they will simply turn a deaf ear. To the Cassandra, both are equally hurtful.

I have been on the receiving end of the Apollo response too many times to count. I can attest to the pain of being ignored and the deep frustration of being unheard. When met with this kind of refusal (which has often been accompanied by condemnation), I either become angry or feel profoundly defeated. It’s really difficult not being heard.

Yesterday, while struggling with the emotional hangover of the dream, I brought this Cassandra quandary into my prayers. Resigning myself to the reality of being a Cassandra in a world of Apollos just didn’t feel like enough of a response. (I sometimes think there is a fine line between resignation and suppression. Clearly, if I’m still having the dream, my feelings of frustration over not being heard have not truly been healed.) As I sat in wait for God’s answer to my prayer, I heard the simple words:

TURN AROUND

Then I saw, in my mind’s eye, an image of myself turning away from the Apollo world and toward the Cassandras of this world – those who also carry visions of the new, who call out the evils of this world, who seek healing of hearts and unity of spirits. It is not to the Apollos of this world that I am speaking – it is to those who have ears to hear and eyes to see – those who have grown tired of the status quo and who seek after something new that is more loving, gentle and kind than what humanity has heretofore created for itself.

Being a Cassandra in a world of Apollos is never easy, but maybe in turning around I will finally feel heard and seen and that will bring an end to these dreams.