At sixty-one years old, I find myself contemplating the spirituality of aging and how, perhaps, our calling and mission might change as we move beyond the enthusiasm and excitement of our twenties and thirties and into an entirely different experience that we are just beginning to realize. Contemplating the changing nature of my own call, it hit me, Jesus died at thirty-three!  What would his life have looked like if he had lived past that excitable age? For those of us who have lived through those fruitful years, we remember the passion and excitement that fueled our discovery, our hunger for learning, and the feeling of being compelled to share what we knew, along with the transformative power of what we had only begun to explore.

To put it bluntly, in our thirties, we believed we knew everything that it was our job to inform everyone else. Ah….the innocence of youth.

At sixty-one, we know better (at least I hope we do). The truth we begin to realize as life whittles away at our “confidence” (ie: pride) is that we truly know nothing. Whereas formerly we were certain we knew the nature of God, we understood God’s Truth, we believed in “His” loving care and protection. As life has its way with us, we come to realize we know nothing about God, his plan (if there is one), or his truth. We also learn first-hand that maybe God doesn’t really have our back, and we cannot trust in his protection.

Have I grown cynical in my old age? Perhaps, but let’s look at Jesus for a minute. If we have called Jesus our teacher, read the story of his life, and attempted to understand and apply his teachings, we see that in the life of “God’s own son” there was no protection. God couldn’t even get his own son off the cross, so what possibly could “He” do to save us from the struggles of our own lives? Instead, God’s most beloved (as we were taught) was ridiculed, condemned, and murdered. Jesus failed in his mission and God did nothing to save him or ensure his success. (The “salvation” brought about by the resurrection notwithstanding.)

Jesus was plucked from his life right in the middle of the age of enthusiasm. Of course he was eager and excited to share what he had come to know (thought he had come to know) about God. He then went forth with the sense of mission and purpose consistent with his chronological age.

What would have happened if instead of being killed in the crucifixion, Jesus had somehow lived? Would he be doing in his sixties what he had been doing at thirty-three? I kinda doubt it. The enthusiasm and passion of youth are simply not sustainable into old age. Would Jesus (as God’s son) been granted some sort of dispensation from the natural quieting of age? Perhaps – but just for a minute, let’s pretend that Jesus was 100% human (along with being 100% Divine). Human nature is human nature and if Jesus was meant to live humanness in its entirety, and lived into old age, I truly believe his mission would have changed. It had to have.

For the sake of pondering, let’s just pretend Jesus survived being betrayed by his closest friends and companions and then condemned by his community as a heretic. Would he have stuck around, continuing his efforts of “sharing the good news” publicly? I think perhaps not. There would have been a natural attrition due to the scandal that accompanied him. The hundreds that once followed him would have returned to their regular lives and their devout membership that guaranteed their acceptance in the institution. The disciples, after betraying and abandoning Jesus would have retreated into their shame and returned to their former lives. Those who remained would have been the ones who truly believed and who had remained with Jesus up until the “end.” Even if after being banished by the Church Jesus continued to preach, and teach, and heal, it would have likely been on a much smaller scale.  “Not shouting or crying out or raising his voice in the street. (Isaiah 42).”  Eventually, he would have realized that his awakening (the discovery of that which brought him into the experience of Union with God in peace) was for him alone and that each and every human would eventually discover this on their own and in their own way. Further, he may have come to see that no one needed saving and that God was and would always be in charge. As an aged man, Jesus may have set aside the effort of attempting to save people that don’t need saving and the natural exhaustion that comes from that effort, and retreated into a quiet contemplative life where he could simply be – while perhaps taking up, again, the practice of carpentry that first showed him the peace present in mindful activities.

Of course we will never know what would have happened if Jesus had lived into old age, but this is one of the ideas I ponder as facing the reality of my own so-called calling.  I’ve lived the enthusiastic part. I’ve spent time teaching, guiding, and supporting people’s healing. I’ve been awakened out of my own innocence to the realities of life and its suffering and have learned first-hand that God’s provision and protection are not what I once thought or had been taught.

This doesn’t mean I don’t still look to “God” for help (Psalm 54). Instead of looking outside of myself, I look within. As life and its hardships are swirling around me, God is there in the silence.  God is there in the peace that arises when we move past the chaos, tragedies, and distractions of life. God is where God has always been – in stillness. “Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46).”

And today, I am the words of Rhea Rainwater that sustain me:

“A tired heart leaning into silence.”